Well... I finally figured out what's wrong with me.. and it's not something I'm proud of. If anything, it's just made me hate myself.
I have this weird prejudice against girls who are total flirts all the time because they're just annoying and they lead people on "unintentionally" and when the person confronts them about it, they say "don't blame me, that's just the way I am." It bothers me reeeaaally bad.
Also, I have a really good friend at work. His name is "Harry". I've never even considered "liking" him, but when I see him, I'll give him a hug, cuz he's a really good friend. So... Couple weeks ago, "Harry" was gonna take one of my shifts at work, because I had a meeting with my boss and I didn't know if my shift was gonna conflict if I didn't have enough time on a break to go talk to her. When I got to work to sign the paper, he was gonna have someone else take the shift for him for me so he could go practice for his talent show audition at his school. As it turns out, he was already scheduled to work, for himself, but he and I were out talking about music in the parking lot, and EVERYBODY kept watching us. I had no idea why. So anyway, after we were told that he had to work, I stayed in the guard room until the head guard got somebody to come take his shift for him so he'd stop complaining about how the chlorine was damaging to his vocal chords, and I had my meeting with my boss, then we talked about maybe going and jamming at his house, but we decided against it because his mom was in a bad mood. so we talked for a little bit longer, then we both had to leave, and that was that.
Or so I thought...
The thing that was confusing was that just before I left, "Harry" said he misses getting wet hugs from me after I get done with swim lessons, and I asked why, because he'd always freak out, and he said "well yeah, because that's what's expected." so I was like "....whaaa?" Even moreso, before that, after an inservice one night, he asked me to come on a motorcycle ride with him around a few blocks, so I went, and after I got home that night, he texted me, saying he's always wanted to take a girl on a bike ride but I didn't really think anything of it. So, after I got home from the weird shift-taking incident and my meeting, around 8 or 9 I texted "Harry" to make sure his mom didn't kill him. (Prior to this, we had established that both of our schools have their senior lagoon day on the same day). He asked me if I considered going to Lagoon "with him" to be going on a date. I said "not really, no... do you?" and he said "well, I've always thought lagoon would be the funnest date and since both of our schools are going and we'll be going on rides together and all that..." and by now I was thinking "what the heck!?" cuz this was WEIRD for him. I had no idea why he was suddenly being all 'romantic and sweet' so I was talking to "Larry" about it, and I said "i have no idea why the heck this happens because it's sooo irritating! This always happens! Every time I get to be good friends with any guy, suddenly they start having a crush on me and I don't know why! Am I just a flirt and I don't realize it???"
His answer completely obliterated me...
"Don't be mad, but... um... yes."
Did you make the connection between my first paragraph and just now? I can't stand girls who are "flirts" and I was just told that I AM one.
That was bound to settle real well...
Since that day, I've been battling with myself and trying to not be so depressed that I wanna kill myself. It keeps getting harder and harder though... For instance, sometime last week, I was waiting for Larry to finish football, and when I was texting him, he seemed upset, so I was asking what was wrong, and he asked me how many times I had hugged "Harry".
I knew right from that question that this whole "flirt" thing wasn't over. I told him, and asked why he wanted to know, and it was because a couple of my CO-WORKERS, who happen to be on his football team were chatting it up with him about my "relationship" to "Harry" for all of practice that day.
Fantastic, huh?
What's more, his old best friend, who is a girl, who hates my guts for some reason, also has been chatting it up with him about everything I do at work. So yeah, I'm a flirt...
I had no idea...
So, now I've found the missing puzzle piece to why I keep having problems. It's all my own doing..
What do I do now? I feel awful about everything... I mean, what i do naturally is borderline CHEATING in most peoples books! Even my own! I'm crossing my own boundaries and stooping below my own standards on so many levels and I'm not even meaning to! So, for the past 2 weeks, I've been struggling to pretend like nothing is wrong, when honestly, what would be worse...? My whole world has basically been turned upside down. I mean, whose world WOULDN'T be if everything you thought you were was suddenly backfired and you realized you were just like everyone you despise??
I don't know what to do...
