Cade broke up with me tonight...
Come to find out
he's been feeling a bit like it
wouldn't work out for a while, but
he never wanted to tell me.
I hardly even want to write about this
because I think I shut off my emotions
as soon as we started talking tonight.
We went to the temple today,
and honestly, I'm so confused,
because I felt like it went super
well, but I guess
he didn't feel the same way.
In fact, he said that he really started
feeling like it wasn't going to work
after we had went.
In the car, on our way back to his house
from the temple,
I kept trying to get him to talk about it,
but he was of so little words,
it was really difficult.
But, I did get him to tell me about when
he felt like electrical engineering
was what he was supposed to do,
career-wise.
He said that it just seemed to "click"
the right way, so he just knew.
That got me thinking.
If our relationship wasn't "clicking"
for him, something isn't right,
so I was thinking about that a lot while I
was at work, and afterward, I went
over to his house and we talked about it.
And he admitted everything that
he hasn't been telling me for
the past 2 months.
So, we agreed mutually that we're
going to spend a month apart, and if,
by the beginning of next month,
we feel better about being apart
than we did about being together, then
we're going to just stay apart.
I know I need to sleep, but honestly,
I don't feel like I can sleep.
It's like, I feel like I want to cry so hard
that I throw up, but I don't feel anything.
I think I literally shut my emotions off.
Maybe that wasn't the best thing to do,
but as soon as I knew where it was going,
that he was going to break it off,
I felt the wall come up.
Hardcore, too.
I keep trying to remind myself that this
isn't the end of the world,
and that I learned something from this,
but I have no idea what I learned
from it.
I mean, I guess I learned that I want
a man that can be honest with me.
I told my best friend as I was driving home
(Of course I told her what happened)
"I have better things to live for
than to die for some boy."
Which is true.
But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt,
to have that empty space there.
I hate to say that he wasn't
taking up much room, but I don't
think the attachment was as strong as it
would have been had he actually been
putting a lot of effort into making me feel
like he wanted me to be
his girlfriend.
Oh well.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Start fresh, I guess.
