So, yesterday was a really interesting day.
First off, let me explain something.
Over the past 3 months, I've started doing a Jujitsu class,
I do it 3 times a week, and I already knew I loved doing
Jujitsu, but it makes it even better that my Sensei's
family is super awesome and they've pretty much adopted me.
I've even started calling him "Dad" outside of the dojo, but
to everyone else I refer to him as my ninja dad.
So, now that you've got that little bit of backstory,
here's the main story.
On Monday, I was talking to my ninja dad, because
I had yet another awkward moment happen
where I ended up being a third wheel for one of my ex's
and his date.
Talk about awkward.
So, anyway, I was kinda complaining about it,
and he started saying something about how he thinks I'm
attracting awkward moments to myself,
and I was immediately pissed.
For some reason, it felt like he was saying what my
parents always used to say to me, which was basically
that "I do ridiculous things to get attention".
So, I was thinking my ninja dad was saying the same thing,
so I was really pissed off, and my feelings were hurt,
and I definitely took it out on him.
It kinda surprised him though, and eventually he said
"I don't like this tension that's there between us.
I want to fix this."
But I told him I had to wait before I could talk about it
anymore, so we decided we'd talk about it the next day.
Also, this is important. During that conversation,
my real dad had commented on one of my posts on Facebook
where I'd been complaining about something else awkward,
and he had said "I'm glad to be part of your life, and I'm here
if you need to talk."
And it totally threw me for a loop.
My dad never says stuff like that.
For pretty much my whole life, my dad has been a stoic,
emotionally distant, ethereal figure that I've happened
to live under the same roof as.
So for him to suddenly be reaching out and wanting to connect
with me, I had no idea how to even process that.
So, now, moving on to yesterday.
We had our Jujitsu class, and during the class, the Sempai
was driving me nuts and I almost punched him about 12 times,
but I didn't.
But then, after class, my ninja dad and I were going to
talk over everything that had happened the day before.
I grabbed a fleece blanket from the back room and wrapped up in
it on the floor while we talked.
He gave his point of view, which all had to directly do with me
attracting awkward moments to myself, and I think I agree
with him, because they happen a lot.
But, I had bigger problems on my mind.
After he'd shared his perspective,
I started explaining possible reasons for why I got so
defensive and pissed off, and it all had to do with my
previous experiences with my parents,
because I just wanted to feel their love and approval,
and they were too busy dealing with their own problems to
really be "parents", so I'd do pretty ridiculous things
to try to get their attention, but nothing ever worked,
and instead it just made them more mad at me because I was
"acting out", so that just made everything worse.
I'd kinda fixed my problems with my mom, but concerning my dad,
I'd never made peace with any of it.
So, while I was sitting there talking, I started explaining
about how I had a long talk with him out in Tennessee when I
was about to move, and in the middle of my explanation,
I suddenly got a huge lump in my throat and I couldn't talk.
Just the same as with every other time I cry, I tried keeping
my breathing even, but the more effort I put in,
the worse my body would shake and I felt I might suddenly
burst into tears.
My ninja dad went right into "dad" mode and sat
next to me, wrapping his arms around me while I sat
on the floor and cried.
In the midst of my sobbing, I explained the rest of the
conversation, how I'd told my dad that for pretty much
my whole life, I never felt like I really had a dad, and I was seeing
the same sort of thing happening to my siblings,
and that he couldn't do that to them.
I love my siblings, so of course I want them to have
a better life than me, which means feeling like both of
their parents are actually there for them, instead of just one or
neither.
During my little meltdown, I'd held his blanket clenched
close to my face, so I got mascara-blackened tears
all over it, and I said "I got your blanket all teary, I'm sorry..."
He pulled back to look at me with an eyebrow raised
and said "You really think I care about that? Idiot, I care a lot
more about you." and I laughed a little, realizing that was a little ridiculous.
After a choked gasp, I sat back and my breathing evened out
enough for me to gain my composure.
He let go of me and we sat against the wall talking for a minute,
and then he started to doze off.
I wasn't paying too much attention, but I could tell he was going in and out,
and my mind was going elsewhere.
I wasn't completely sure why, but I kept going between these two
thoughts about my dad, one where when I think of it, I get
really pissed, but the other, when think of it, it's the exact opposite,
because it's one of the semi-rare times when I really felt like my dad loved me
and knew me enough to do something for me that he knew I'd love.
The negative one was a time when he took me to see a scary movie,
and I hate scary movies for one, so I was freaked out, but he never put
his arm around me or anything, and I often wondered why the heck not.
I mean, I'm his daughter, I was scared, what father wouldn't
want to put a comforting arm around his daughter
if she's freaked out?
So yeah, I was pissed about that.
But then the other one, here's a little backstory:
I love Lord of the Rings.
My whole family loves Lord of the Rings.
When I moved out here, I didn't have my own copies of the movies,
and I was really sad about that because I didn't know how long
it would take me to get my own.
Soon after I moved out here, I got a visit from my mom's parents,
because they went to see my family,
and when they came to see me, my dad had sent them with his copies of
the extended versions of all 3 movies, because he knew how much
I love them.
So, that was one of those rare moments when I really felt like he even
knows who I am.
But, anyway, so I was going back and forth between those two thoughts,
and then thinking about how my dad had just reached out to me
via Facebook, I didn't know how to feel about it.
I didn't know whether to just be sad and confused and not do anything
different, or if I should at least give him credit for trying to be
a good father.
All of those thoughts made me get really emotional again, but I was
trying to be quiet and hide it, but my ninja dad has a 6th sense,
so of course he woke right up and looked at me, and then it was all over
from there.
He wrapped one of his arms around me going over my shoulder and
under my arm, and I was holding onto his arm for dear life, pretty much.
I don't know how long I sat there crying in his arms,
but at one point I remember trying to get a hold of myself,
and it literally felt like my chest was going to burst open.
If there's ever been a time where I felt vulnerable and somewhat pathetic,
that was it, for sure.
But yeah, that was my interesting experience in realizing that
I have much bigger "Daddy issues" than I originally
gave myself credit for.
Maybe that's half of my problem with dating, I haven't gotten over
my daddy issues, so I haven't been able to keep a stable
relationship, because I never had the experience of a stable relationship
with my dad.
I don't know. Food for thought.
