It's been quite a while since I last wrote. I'm still with "larry" and something happened last week that is just killin me. Nothin to make me wanna leave, or him wanna leave, it's just hard. He got a concussion during his football game while I was in Cedar City for the annual Shakespearean festival. I was in my hotel room with my roommates when I got the text from his sister. The front of my phone showed the beginning the message and what it showed said "Hey, ____ got hit..." soooo......i pretty much went catatonic, thinking she meant that he'd been hit by a CAR. I freaked out and i couldn't get enough breath in my lungs and I was pretty much glued to my phone, waiting to hear what was going on since i had NO communication with them otherwise, being three freaking hours away. From what I heard, they had rushed him to the ER and had a CAT scan done to see if there was any lasting damage done. At about 12:30, I dozed off and had to endure a full day of him being completely out of his mind, with nothing that I could do about it, which drove me completely insane. if I could've had my way, I'd've been up at his house, taking care of him all day. The entire day, I could tell I was becoming physically, emotionally, and mentally sick. I felt queasy, no matter what I put in my stomach, I couldn't balance (I have no idea why that happens, but when I get very stressed out, my equilibrium gets whacked) and I felt faint. When we finally got home at about 1 in the morning on Sunday, I went straight to bed, falling asleep immediately, and when I woke up, I texted him, asking if he knew where I was the day before, and he couldn't remember, so I told him I'd been in Cedar, then I asked him if he remembered when I left, and he couldn't remember that either... I freaked again. I wanted to go and see him but I had church, and it was Sunday...I didn't know if my mom would even let me go. I decided to ask anyway. To my surprise, she let me go, and I went over as soon as dinner was over. I had been having spells of crying all afternoon, to my great embarrassment, but my mom was very calm and told me something of great value. at least to me anyway. she said that she actually believes that I love him, and don't just like him. Took her long enough haha. I've been telling him that I love him for a year..
Anyways, I went over to his house and the sight that met my eyes will be a scar for life. He was lying on his bed, under the quilt his grandma had made him for Christmas the year before, and his expression was completely blank. Something I had never seen before. It was as though he was in there, the real him, but it was lost somewhere in the deep caverns of his mind and didn't know how to find it's way back to the surface. He blinked when I came into the room but never said a word. His earbuds were in his ears and I heard the low hum of the jazzy tunes he was listening to. I sat on the edge of his bed and took his hand in mine. Still, he didn't say anything, but just sat there and stared at me for a while. I couldn't stand to look at his face, and turned away for a moment, tears seeping from my eyes again. I started to wipe them away when he noticed and asked me why I was crying. I told him that I was just scared. Scared of losing the connection to the one I loved so dearly to the injury caused by a cheap shot by an offensive center during a football game... I didn't tell him THAT part though... He said simply that nobody else had cried so he didn't understand why I was. Of course, I took slight offense and embarrassment to the comment, but nodded and said nothing. He was pretty off his rocker, so I pardoned the insensitivity. But it sparked a new fear in me. He had always been so sensitive and helpful about my emotional insecurity, I was now afraid of losing that side of him and having to fight out my battles completely by myself without having a best friend who didn't care if I smudged black all over the shoulder seam of his shirt.
For the next couple hours, I read to him from "Tennis Shoes Among The Nephites", a book I'd been bugging him to read for a really long time, but he'd never gotten around to it. It was my favorite series, so I wanted him to know why it was my favorite. Seeing this as a grand opportunity, I read the first 3 chapters to him. The first two chapters, when I had asked if he would like me to go on, received a simple shrug, and a "i dunno" but when I asked if he'd like me to read the 3rd chapter, he actually said "yeah." which was progress. After reading, I talked to him for a while, and asked if he remembered certain things from the day, like, if he remembered me telling him I loved him a couple hours before. He said that he did. Again, progress, but I still felt like he was lost somewhere in his head. I came home around 10, and went to bed a little while later, waking up late for school (today) and lazily dragging myself out of bed. I still couldn't balance, and I felt faint and light-headed. Throughout the schoolday, friends asked me over and over again why I looked so pale and stoic, but I never really answered. However, at lunch, one of my graduate friends came to visit and I had already been talking over my problem with a couple very persuasive friends in the student center. She came and asked me to tell her what was going on, and when I got to the middle of my explanation, of when I went to his house, tears erupted out my eyes and I curled my knees to my chest for a minute and bawled. I usually try to not make noise when I cry, but this time, I didn't give a rat's rump about it. Ending the school day was a relief, and I went home, feeling drained and fatigued of sleep and energy. I was determined to not go to sleep though. I wanted to go and see him again, and read some more. To my gladness, he remembered that I had been there the day before, AND that i had read to him, and he even remembered what I had read.
When I went over today, he was actually up and moving around, and using more words and phrases other than "no" "i dunno" and "my head hurts" which relieved me greatly. I read him another chapter from Tennis Shoes but I had to go home at 7 so it was cut short... I intend on going to see him every day until he's better. or at least, I'm hoping to. That's that story. I'm gonna try really hard to keep up to date with this thing. No promises though, cuz I really don't spend that much time on the computer.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wow...
I never realized that going without a phone for more than a couple weeks could be so "refreshing" and yet so tantalizing at the same time...I'm pretty much dying without getting to talk to "Larry." He and I have talked every day for at least an hour for more than a year. In short, this is very different, and it SUCKS very much... Doesn't help that my parents are getting paranoid about me and him so they're limiting how often I can see him, which also SUCKS...
In short...it just sucks.
In short...it just sucks.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Kodak Moment! Be Jealous!
I had the CUTEST moment with the guy of my dreams last week. I was having a really bad day cuz I had had a bad day the day before because I felt inadequate to a lot of other girls cuz my hair isn't as perfect, my face shape is kinda round, my hand-writing sucks (seriously) and yeah, I could go on. But anyway, later that night, he and I had had a fight over which school he was going to transfer to. It didn't end well. I was supposed to go over to his house the day after to have his mom show us how to make really good cinnamon rolls. (They were delicious, by the way.) We agreed that we wouldn't talk about him transferring at all that day and that we'd just forget about it and spend the day together. (Already pretty cute, huh?)
I went over to his house the next day, and that day was worse than the day before because I had gotten a job opportunity at the pool near my house and I didn't get the job and I DESPERATELY needed it. I was pretty much heartbroken. He was concerned about this, and wanted to make sure I was happy. When I first got to his house, his mom was working on some sewing project so we went downstairs and watched 50 First Dates, which I thought was funny, but it was also really nasty at some points. Not funny.
After his mom had showed us how to make cinnamon rolls, we went back downstairs and were watching this movie about the ocean. *interesting.....* His little sister came down and he told her to use his phone to text his OLDER sister and see when she'd be home. After she did, she wouldn't give his phone back, and I wanted to get it before he did so I told her to give it to me, but then he wouldn't let go of me, so we kind of wrestled, which was funny, cuz he was trying to keep me down the whole time so I couldn't get his phone and I was trying to get out of his grip (which is freakin HULKISH by the way).
I won.
After that, we went up to get food then came back down and were watchin some other movie when his older sister came down and was bein a jerk. She was like "come move my TV for me." without even asking, then when he wouldn't, she started to hit him, and she stole his phone and sent this stupid message saying "i'm a retard never talk to me again" to all of his contacts in his phone. She's 18 years old. Immature much? Sheesh. So then, she brought up the dreaded subject: Him transferring. Instantly I started feeling like I was gonna cry. I wanted to get away from his sister.
"Can we go outside?" I asked, even though it was raining. He looked at me with alarm etched in his expression. He knew exactly what was gonna happen. He handed me his jacket, and we went out in the rain. His sister left to go to the store, so we just stood there for a minute.
"Are you ok?" He asked, approaching me. "You went from yea happy," *stretches out his arms* "to yea happy." *shrinks them to just a few inches apart*
"Your sister brought up the subject that we were trying to avoid today." I said quietly. I had no idea I could talk so quietly.
"Ah." He said, pulling me into an embrace. "Do you want to go sit in the car?"
"Yeah." I said, and we went to the SUV in the driveway. He opened the door for me and I got in, sliding to the middle. He followed, sitting on the edge seat. *Yes, we were sitting in the back seat. I wanted to cuddle up to him*
We continued talking, and I can't remember what was said except for that he said something like "I'll always be yours. You know that, right?" And I said "Well, yeah, I just -." Then my voice broke and the tears flowed.
THIS IS THE KODAK MOMENT
As soon as my voice broke, his arms wrapped tenderly around me and he pulled me into his chest, gently whispering "Shhh, it's alright, Sweetheart" in my ear.
My chest heaved as I tried to keep the unattractive sounds of crying to a minimum, therefore it just came out as choked, shuddered gasps. He stroked my hair and briskly rubbed my back as I sat there, curled up against him. I calmed down for a minute, then he said something else that got me started again just cuz I was feelin so sensitive at that moment, and again, he wrapped me in his arms, saying "It's ok, don't cry." Shortly afterward, his sister came home again, and he took me home.
Talk about a Kodak moment :)
I went over to his house the next day, and that day was worse than the day before because I had gotten a job opportunity at the pool near my house and I didn't get the job and I DESPERATELY needed it. I was pretty much heartbroken. He was concerned about this, and wanted to make sure I was happy. When I first got to his house, his mom was working on some sewing project so we went downstairs and watched 50 First Dates, which I thought was funny, but it was also really nasty at some points. Not funny.
After his mom had showed us how to make cinnamon rolls, we went back downstairs and were watching this movie about the ocean. *interesting.....* His little sister came down and he told her to use his phone to text his OLDER sister and see when she'd be home. After she did, she wouldn't give his phone back, and I wanted to get it before he did so I told her to give it to me, but then he wouldn't let go of me, so we kind of wrestled, which was funny, cuz he was trying to keep me down the whole time so I couldn't get his phone and I was trying to get out of his grip (which is freakin HULKISH by the way).
I won.
After that, we went up to get food then came back down and were watchin some other movie when his older sister came down and was bein a jerk. She was like "come move my TV for me." without even asking, then when he wouldn't, she started to hit him, and she stole his phone and sent this stupid message saying "i'm a retard never talk to me again" to all of his contacts in his phone. She's 18 years old. Immature much? Sheesh. So then, she brought up the dreaded subject: Him transferring. Instantly I started feeling like I was gonna cry. I wanted to get away from his sister.
"Can we go outside?" I asked, even though it was raining. He looked at me with alarm etched in his expression. He knew exactly what was gonna happen. He handed me his jacket, and we went out in the rain. His sister left to go to the store, so we just stood there for a minute.
"Are you ok?" He asked, approaching me. "You went from yea happy," *stretches out his arms* "to yea happy." *shrinks them to just a few inches apart*
"Your sister brought up the subject that we were trying to avoid today." I said quietly. I had no idea I could talk so quietly.
"Ah." He said, pulling me into an embrace. "Do you want to go sit in the car?"
"Yeah." I said, and we went to the SUV in the driveway. He opened the door for me and I got in, sliding to the middle. He followed, sitting on the edge seat. *Yes, we were sitting in the back seat. I wanted to cuddle up to him*
We continued talking, and I can't remember what was said except for that he said something like "I'll always be yours. You know that, right?" And I said "Well, yeah, I just -." Then my voice broke and the tears flowed.
THIS IS THE KODAK MOMENT
As soon as my voice broke, his arms wrapped tenderly around me and he pulled me into his chest, gently whispering "Shhh, it's alright, Sweetheart" in my ear.
My chest heaved as I tried to keep the unattractive sounds of crying to a minimum, therefore it just came out as choked, shuddered gasps. He stroked my hair and briskly rubbed my back as I sat there, curled up against him. I calmed down for a minute, then he said something else that got me started again just cuz I was feelin so sensitive at that moment, and again, he wrapped me in his arms, saying "It's ok, don't cry." Shortly afterward, his sister came home again, and he took me home.
Talk about a Kodak moment :)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Reconciliation
I don't think I spelled that right. But who cares..?
This is gonna be a short post because I have a life that is extremely busy at the moment, and my body is trying to die. Not really. Yes about the very busy part. But basically, the guy I was talkin about in my post earlier, the one that "Trishia" was dating that I fell madly in love with; he and I went out for four months, then, because we were getting too serious too fast, I broke it off, and boy, he was not happy about it at first, as all guys are. But I was determined not to lose him forever, so, even though it just about broke my heart to have him actually mad at me for the first time since I met him, I didn't break our communication and eventually we fixed things. We're not back together, but we still love each other just as much, and we hang out still, so yeah, I'll give a more detailed description of everything in a later post.
This is gonna be a short post because I have a life that is extremely busy at the moment, and my body is trying to die. Not really. Yes about the very busy part. But basically, the guy I was talkin about in my post earlier, the one that "Trishia" was dating that I fell madly in love with; he and I went out for four months, then, because we were getting too serious too fast, I broke it off, and boy, he was not happy about it at first, as all guys are. But I was determined not to lose him forever, so, even though it just about broke my heart to have him actually mad at me for the first time since I met him, I didn't break our communication and eventually we fixed things. We're not back together, but we still love each other just as much, and we hang out still, so yeah, I'll give a more detailed description of everything in a later post.
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