For time and for all Eternity

Today I marry my best friend, my dream man, and the love of my life. The day before today was absolutely insane, but we made it. We're here. At 10 o'clock this morning, we will be sealed for time and for all Eternity in the temple of our God, to be husband and wife from this life and into the next and forever more. I can barely explain what I'm feeling, my heart has never beat this fast, and I've never been happier in my Life. At one of my bridal showers, someone asked me if I had any advice or perspective on marriage. I couldn't think of anything at the time, but since then, I've come up with a very clear answer.
My advice to you is this: trust God and in His timing. It won't make sense all the time, or even any of the time, but everything will become clearer as you trust Him and keep moving forward and stay close to the Spirit. Trust in your Patriarchal Blessing. Zach is everything that was described in my Patriarchal Blessing and more, and I'm so blessed to be able to call him my husband today. It's strange, I still don't feel old enough to be getting married, but at the same time, I recognize that I'm older than a lot of my friends were when they got married. So, I'm not too worried.
Let me tell you a few things about Zach that have made me sure that I want to marry him.
First: the first time we met, officially, was on our first date. We had met briefly before then, but hadn't really gotten to know each other. But on our first date, there was something about him that took down every wall I'd ever had against relationships and men and everything. As soon as I'd gotten in his car for our date, I knew something about him was different. It was unlike any other date I'd ever been on, and still, every date and every time I'm with him, it just feels like home. Because he is home.
Second: Back in August, I'd had to check myself into a psych ward because I wasn't doing well emotionally at all, and had become extremely suicidal. I hadn't told him anything about this until we had officially started dating, but one night, we went out to dinner, and I told him the truth about why I'd been in the hospital, and he said two words: "I know." He didn't have an exact explanation for why he knew what he knew, but apparently he knew I'd bee suicidal and that was why I went to the hospital, but he's thought none the less of me even knowing perhaps my deepest insecurity.
Third: This past week was extremely rough, I'd been getting major cold feet, wondering if I really wanted to get married, or if I wanted that responsibility, and I actually ended up having a couple major panic attacks about it on Sunday. And his reaction to said panic attacks was another reason why I'm positive that yes, I do want to get married, and yes I do want the extra responsibility, especially if it's for him.

Last night was the last night I'll ever go to bed as a single woman, and I'm completely alright with that. I don't know everything about marriage, or what our marriage will be like, but I do know that I love him, whole heartedly and completely with ever fiber of my being. I thought I understood love, and what it meant to be in love, but it is nothing like I expected it to be. It is so much more. So I ask that you keep yourself worthy of this kind of special, unique love, and never settle for anything less. No matter how attractive or charming a man may seem on the outside, what's really important is how he makes you feel on the inside. I've found my forever Prince Charming, and my hope is that when you're looking for yours, you'll look for someone who treats you like your father treats me. Someone who makes you happy, and not only happy emotionally, but spiritually. Someone who understands you. Someone who is willing to sacrifice for you, but still maintains a healthy level of independence. Someone you love so much that the thought of being apart in the afterlife makes you sick. Maybe not literally, but I know that's how I've felt. I don't want to live without him, and in his profession, even if he falls in the line of duty, I will go about the remainder of my days eager to be back in his arms when I cross the veil.
My search for Prince Charming is over, but yours has just begun. May you trust God and be blessed with a man as amazing as your father, if not moreso.
All my love,
Mom

I love you too, but I don't like you all the time

Today was an interesting day. I don't want to say it was the first time Zach and I have ever fought, because we really didn't fight, but it was the only time so far where I've ever felt genuinely mad and offended at him. I hadn't been sleeping well all week, all the wedding stress finally caught up to me, so today I didn't want to do much of anything. We ended up not doing much, but he had a lot of energy so he wanted to go out and do something. After letting me have a few hours of nothing, we decided to go to Costco to get an idea of what we were looking at for the desserts or whatever we're doing at the reception. I showed him the idea that my mom and I had come up with, and when we had calculated the cost of the whole thing, which I had already done, by the way, during a conversation with my mom earlier this week, he gave me this look that said "Are you serious?" and it just drove a knife all the way in to my heart. So then of course, I went on the defensive, and when he was like "We could get it catered for less than that." I immediately retorted "Oh really? From where? Have you looked?" He didn't have exact numbers, but even if he'd had them, I probably wouldn't have listened. I was too upset to even want to look at him. We spent the next probably 30 minutes barely saying a word to each other, but we ended up picking up a movie from redbox and some food and ice cream on the way home, and when we got to his apartment, I put the ice cream away, got the Sprite out of the fridge and started eating my sandwich that we'd picked up. He was busy looking at some mail he'd got that day, and I had no idea what to do, because I'd already apologized a ton for getting upset, now I mostly just felt bad for getting mad at him because I knew he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I just didn't want my emotionalness to get on his nerves. But, he surprised me, again. I was looking down, trying to avoid his gaze, but he came over and gently tugged on my sleeve. I looked at him and he held his arms out, a warm smile on his face. I was feeling emotionally raw, but I put my arms around him in return, and he said "I will always love you, and I'm sorry I made you upset today." To nobody's surprise, my eyes got all watery again and I bawled again, amidst saying things like "I'm sorry I lost my temper." "I just feel really bad now." and then I explained that the day before, while I had been out picking out the flowers for my bouquet, my grandma's friend that was helping had said something that made me feel like an absolute idiot, and she had given me the same kind of look that he had just a little while ago. I guess that kind of explains a lot of my sleeping in this week, all the wedding stress came to a head and I was trying to not have a meltdown all week, but there you go. But, the main point I wanted to make in writing this whole thing was the fact that, despite the fact that I was mad at him, and he was probably also kind of mad at me, he still made it a priority to make sure I knew he loved me. He took the time to get my attention and give me a hug and let me bawl into his shoulder for the umpteenth time. That sort of thing is what really makes a difference in a couple, I think. Neither of us are perfect, but tonight made me realize even more that I want him by my side now and forever.

I love you anyway

Yesterday was a particularly rough day. I've had a new job for just over a month, and yeah, it's a good job, but I'm working evenings, and I hate evenings. Bleh. It makes it really hard for me to feel productive for the rest of the day. But, also, I'd been feeling kinda down,  and I started having major anxiety because I was feeling down. Back story, I was actually hospitalized back in August because I was so depressed that I'd become suicidal... so, that's why I was freaking out about feeling down. I've been on medication for months, but I was thinking "What if I can't handle my emotions even while I'm on Prozac? What if I have to be hospitalized again? It took me forever to figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling, but after work, I went over to Zach's apartment, and we talked for a while before we were going to go to the store. I started talking about how I didn't know how I was feeling and I was confused, and eventually I figured it out, because I asked him "Are you sure you want to marry me when I'm such a basket case?" And his response was "I'd marry you 5 times over, because I love you for you. All of you." And for some reason, that did it. I started crying, and he sat there and just held me for a while as I expressed my fears and insecurities about my depression, how badly I didn't want to go back to the hospital, and how afraid I was of post-pardom depression after we have children. He listened and held me, and reassured me that he'd be there to walk with me through thick and thin, for worse or for better. I can't even get over how amazing he is. I feel so safe around him, and almost unworthy of his undying love. One thing's for certain, I'll always do everything I can to live up to his love for me, and show him the same. I'm just constantly in awe of what an amazing man he is. I'm so proud to say that he's going to be the father of my children.

Let there be bells!

So, I definitely don't post on here enough, and I REALLY need to. Because who would have freaking thought?? Zach and I are getting married!!! It only took us about 2 weeks of dating to figure out we wanted to marry each other, so we're technically engaged already, but we haven't gotten my ring back from the jewelers yet. So, we'll be "officially" engaged after he gets it back and legitimately proposes. But, we've already set our wedding date - February 25th - and holy cow, the days cannot pass fast enough. Seriously, November needs to just hurry and get out of here. I'm excited for Thanksgiving though, we'll be spending it with both of our families.
But, to turn the conversation to more of a serious note, today we talked about something really important. I asked him what his experience with pornography has been, and our normal joking, playful banter and conversations took an extremely serious turn. Before he even started speaking, his eyes welled with tears. It broke my heart to hear of his struggle, and I sat close to him and held him as he told his story and cried. It broke my heart not because it was a dealbreaker and I'm going to call off our marriage - but because he is so GOOD, and has such a good heart, it makes me so sad that he's had to deal with that, because it's extremely real, and if you say otherwise, you're literally fooling yourself. In fact, let me tell you something about him. I actually met him several months ago, and back then, I knew almost nothing about him, but I could see he was such a genuinely good person, it almost shocked me that he kept paying attention to me. Remember Ricky? How he was a major "goody-two-shoes" and eventually left me, probably because he couldn't handle my imperfections? That's kinda what Zach seemed like, but not prideful about it, but he seemed so good, and innocent, I had no idea what he saw in me, because "good guys" never stuck around long with me. I'd tried, I'd really tried with a few of them, but it just never worked. So, I figured if anything were to ever happen with me and Zach, it would be exactly the same. Holy cow, was I wrong. We fit together so perfectly, we haven't had the same experiences, but we share the same values, in a lot of ways, like so many it's crazy. I feel so comfortable around him, more comfortable than I've ever felt around anyone in my life. I feel like I could tell him anything and everything, I don't feel the need to hide anything. And I feel that he feels the same way. He was driving me home tonight, after we'd spent pretty much the entire day together because he had a cold, and I had cramps, so we literally spent the entire day on the couch. We watched a couple movies, and then we just talked for hours and hours, and kissed a fair amount. We talked a lot about a lot of weird stuff today though haha. For instance, we began the necessary conversation for newly-weds of sex. Oh boy. But, we both feel that the more comfortable we are discussing somewhat "taboo" subjects, the better. But anyway, probably another really important thing to mention is that Zach has totally turned me into a sappy, hopeless romantic. I'm not a huge advocate of things like "You're the love of my life" or "I don't know what I would do without you" but I said both of those to Zach tonight, and I 100% meant it. Not just like a little bit, but down to every fiber of my being. My entire soul is filled with love for him, I can't even contain it. This may sound purely sexual, but I'm so excited to have sex with him, but like I said, it sounds extremely sexual, but it goes way beyond that. Like, worlds beyond that. Sex is such an intimate thing that our society has normalized, has made cheap. But the emotional bond that is created between a man and a woman during sex, the ultimate expression of love, trust, sacrifice, and openness, is unable to be counterfeit by any other fleeting emotion. Especially when such a couple has devoted their relationship to keeping each other pure and undefiled until their matrimony. He truly is my better half. I'm indescribeably grateful, excited, and humbled at the opportunity to become his wife.

Ok wow...

So, things have been taking an interesting turn. For the better though. Two Mondays ago, there was a guy I used to be in the same singles ward as, and he had asked me on a date. I said yes, but I did not expect it to go super well. I thought it'd be ok, but I wasn't expecting it to be amazing. But, holy cow, I was wrong. Like, so, SO wrong. It was probably one of the best dates I'd ever been on, mostly just because I felt so connected to him. Not like, physically, or sexually, but emotionally. I'd never really felt that before. With anyone. Instead of it seeming like it was a first date, it seemed like we'd been friends forever and just hadn't seen each other in a long time. So, that was a Monday, and the following Saturday, he asked me to go with him to a bonfire. But, Friday night, he surprised me, and asked if I'd like to get breakfast with him Saturday morning. The next morning, he came and got me and took me to the Black Bear Diner, which was super good. Oh my gosh, I forgot to give him a name. We'll call him Zach. Anyway, he came and got me that night, and we went up and had a bonfire with 2 other couples, and partway through the night, he held my hand, and put his arm around me, etc etc. And, that night he kissed me. We went on another couple dates, and we started talking about becoming an "official" couple. He asked me what I thought, and I didn't quite know how I felt. The next day, I was having a really important job interview, and Zach had a really important test that day as well. So, we decided to fast for each other, and we also decided to fast and see if we should pursue our relationship. Long story short, I got the job; unfortunately, he didn't pass his test; but we decided to go ahead and pursue the idea of "us". It's been the greatest thing. Last night, he took me to the temple, and it was a really, really good experience. Afterward, we were walking around the temple grounds, and he looked at me and said "are you hungry?" To which I emphatically answered "yes", and he said "well, we're all dressed up. How about we go somewhere nice?" So he took me Los Hermanos in Provo. It was super good. Anyway, yeah, that's the little details of our relationship. But I absolutely love spending time with him, I always have a good time, and we seem to be an almost perfect match... more to come later.

New Direction

So, for the next little while, I decided that this will be my recovery-venting-journal type thing. Over the past year, but this week especially, I've finally accepted that I'm a love addict and within the past week let myself go into withdrawal. It's literally Hell on earth. On Monday, I had a huge fight with my ninja dad over the fact that I'd still been looking up Samuel's pictures and such on Facebook, and every time I would look at them I'd think all about him and how great he was. Then, I saw a video of him dancing and I got super turned on by that... needless to say, ninja dad was pissed. He yelled at me, I yelled at him, whatever. We're still trying to even things out. Anyway, after that fight, I finally decided that I needed to unfriend him on Facebook so I could start to officially move on, so I did, and it opened the floodgates of withdrawal. And that's where the Hell on earth comes in. My emotions are so wacky and crazy, unpredictable and out of control, part of me really can't handle it and I feel so bad, I've had several serious suicide ideations, one of which was a crystal clear image of me taking my knife that Samuel helped me make, and dragging it up my wrist. Dramatic affect, obviously, with using the knife he helped me make. It's funny, I was watching an episode of The Vampire Diaries where Elena finally "turns her humanity back on" after having it turned "off", so she's finally feeling emotions, and I could relate very much to that.  I'm feeling things that I never thought I'd feel, and I don't know how to feel them, and be ok with feeling them. If there's one thing I know I want though, it's physical contact, with a man. And I'm having a really hard time keeping that one at bay.  In fact, there's a guy I work with at the pool who's 3 years younger than me but he always flirts with me, and I've seriously considered seeing if I can get him to make out with me, even though he's got a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a psycho, crazy, bi-atch at the moment.  I know I shouldn't do that, and I won't, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. He's got big shoulders, and I'm sure he could hold me really tight. Anyway, enough of that, that's just entertaining bad ideas. I'm really glad that my mom at least knows to keep a little distance with the whole recovery thing, since she has a lot of emotional investment in me, seeing as I'm her daughter, obviously.  My ninja dad is struggling with that and it's driving me crazy. He's been "trying to do what's best for me and keep his distance" but I can tell in the way he talks that he's not-so-silently hurting and so he wants me to be like "no, I need your help" so he can swoop in and save me but I'm tired of being saved. Or more, I'm tired of him expecting me to ask him to save me. It's not his job. Like, yesterday I was trying to tell him that maybe he's too invested in me to be able to take a step back from my recovery. He was saying "I'm never giving up on you." So I said "you can't make me get better" and he said "I'll repeat - I'm never giving up on you." So I just said it again. "You cannot make me get better." He didn't like that very much. Said he was worried that I was on a downward spiral. I was perfectly fine, I wasn't debating whether or not I was going to get better, it was just the "You can't make me" part that I was trying to emphasize. I don't think he picked up on it as well as I was hoping he would. I thought I was being pretty clear about it though. We'll see what else I'll have to do to get that across. Well, hopefully tonight I'll be able to get some sleep, seeing as I have to be at work way earlier than normal. Maybe I can start getting on a better schedule, finally. I need to figure out when I'm going to have my workout time. Hopefully talking to Weston about that tomorrow will help. I really hope I don't have another wet dream tonight. I had one last night, and as enjoyable as they are, it just makes it more and more obvious that I'm an odd-ball among women because in the research I did about them, it said that some women may be prone to have several a year. Several meaning what? I've had 2 in the past 2 weeks. I think I've already beat the statistics for "normal." Anyway, we'll find out come morning. However, if I were to have a dream about Damon Salvatore, I'd be pretty ok with that. Elena chose him, even after the Sire Bond was broken and she chose to not take the cure for vampirism. Yay!!! He's my favorite. Ok, I'm done.

Yeah, I'm crazy

So, I've finally kind of accepted that I'm a little crazy. It's taken me a little while to finally figure that out, but I can't pretend to hide it anymore. Especially for the past few days, I've been thinking about Samuel a ton, because he's coming back to Utah from Missouri in just a few weeks. Why do I care? Why in the heck do I care? He's probably not going to give a crap whether he sees me or not, so why am I thinking I want to try to see him again? It makes no sense. In fact, I've talked to my ninja dad about it and he kinda freaked out about it. It didn't help though. It just made me feel worse. We kinda fought about it for a while, and eventually we did come to terms, because I was finally able to explain what it was that I needed from him during that time of me being crazy and knowing I'm crazy. It's just hard, when I get all caught up thinking about him, and wanting things to go back to the way they were, it's like what they describe on The Vampire Diaries, when you're a vampire, everything is heightened, and you almost feel like you can't control yourself. That's how I feel. And trying to hold it inside myself almost makes it worse. It's like I just need someone to just make out with. Just once, or twice, idk, something. But no, I can't do that, because that's crazy. So, like I said, I'm kinda crazy..

Haunting Memories

This last week has been interesting. I think I start off most of my posts that way.. but, oh well. Here's my story for today: it was Friday night, I had had a super packed day working and I was really, really tired. I went over to my ninja family's house and crashed on their couch for a little while, and when I woke up I was talking to my ninja dad, and I had had a headache for a few hours so he was rubbing my temples to try to make my headache go away. In the middle of while he was rubbing my head, there was an instant where he way he touched me felt exactly like the way Samuel used to touch me. I started to get a little uneasy, having memories with Samuel start to flood through my head. And of course, none of the memories I had running through my head were good ones. If I'm being frank and honest, Samuel showed me a song by Queen once that had a line that said "I'm a sex machine" and I do think that was mostly true for him. He was a very sensual person. Like, it was a little scary now that I look back on it. So yeah, I tried keeping it to myself, but as I was on  my way home, I kept thinking about him a ton and when I got home I told my ninja dad about it. Of course he was concerned about it and wanted to more.
Let me give a little back story now. There were times when I'd be with Samuel and he'd act really seductively, but at the time I didn't just tolerate it, I actually really enjoyed it. For example, there was a time he was telling me that since he had taken a lot of anatomy classes, he knew how to get certain reactions out of me, like if he wanted to excite me, all he would really need to do is grab my hips and gently caress them. He tested it in practice on me as he was telling me the theory, and yes, it worked. My breath caught in my chest, and I kind of wanted to rip his shirt off. Or there was another time that I remember specifically where we were kissing, and he would use his almost abnormally large hands to grab onto my short ribs. It would illicit the same reaction from me, and I'd gasp a little bit, trying to breathe, and one time, he parted his lips barely far away enough from mine to whisper "I love the sound you make when I do that. It's exquisite." and his lips brushed mine as he spoke. It made me go crazy - totally crazy. Or the times when he would kiss my neck and it was literally like someone sent an electric shock through my whole body.
Anyway, I told my ninja dad a little bit about it, but then yesterday night we went bowling as a form of a "daddy-daughter" date, and there was a guy in the lane next to us that, when he bowled, he looked just like Samuel, and it was driving me nuts and throwing my groove off in a seriously crappy way. I don't think I've mentioned that, for me, when those memories would surface, it was almost like I was literally re-living every one of them. Even though it was just in my head, I'd feel his hand on my hips, or on my short ribs, or his lips brushing against mine. It makes no sense to me. In fact, it kinda freaks me out and I don't like it. So anyway, when we were done bowling, my ninja dad could tell I was off, so he asked me about it and I told him what was up. I told him about how it's such a struggle that it's been over 6 months since we broke up, we only dated for 3 weeks, and I'm still not over him because, somehow, he ignited a fire in me that for some reason only burns for him. And the memories that go through my head only fan the flame. So then that brought up the topic of how I tend to feel things deeper than most people in every way. My ninja dad mentioned that perhaps this is one reason why he had such an impact on me that I can't seem to get over. I was a little surprised that he had caught on to how I feel things deeper than most, because I was starting to think that it was just me that thought that. I didn't know that it was something that other people could see. It was a little relieving though, honestly, to have it reaffirmed that I'm not just nuts, but that maybe this is a real thing that I have that makes me different. I mean, yeah, it sucks right now, but it does bring me a little comfort in thinking that eventually I'll find a man who can handle that part of me and will actually love that about me. In fact, I think he'll be a very happy man thanks to the fact that I think differently than most women.. who knows? This little thing about me may end up being a very good thing.

22 years worth of pain

So, yesterday was a really interesting day.

First off, let me explain something.

Over the past 3 months, I've started doing a Jujitsu class,

I do it 3 times a week, and I already knew I loved doing

Jujitsu, but it makes it even better that my Sensei's 

family is super awesome and they've pretty much adopted me. 

I've even started calling him "Dad" outside of the dojo, but 

to everyone else I refer to him as my ninja dad.

So, now that you've got that little bit of backstory,

here's the main story.

On Monday, I was talking to my ninja dad, because

I had yet another awkward moment happen 

where I ended up being a third wheel for one of my ex's

and his date.

Talk about awkward.

So, anyway, I was kinda complaining about it, 

and he started saying something about how he thinks I'm

attracting awkward moments to myself,

and I was immediately pissed.

For some reason, it felt like he was saying what my 

parents always used to say to me, which was basically

that "I do ridiculous things to get attention".

So, I was thinking my ninja dad was saying the same thing,

so I was really pissed off, and my feelings were hurt,

and I definitely took it out on him.

It kinda surprised him though, and eventually he said

"I don't like this tension that's there between us.

I want to fix this."

But I told him I had to wait before I could talk about it

anymore, so we decided we'd talk about it the next day.

Also, this is important. During that conversation,

my real dad had commented on one of my posts on Facebook

where I'd been complaining about something else awkward,

and he had said "I'm glad to be part of your life, and I'm here

if you need to talk."

And it totally threw me for a loop.

My dad never says stuff like that.

For pretty much my whole life, my dad has been a stoic,

emotionally distant, ethereal figure that I've happened

to live under the same roof as.

So for him to suddenly be reaching out and wanting to connect

with me, I had no idea how to even process that.

So, now, moving on to yesterday.

We had our Jujitsu class, and during the class, the Sempai 

was driving me nuts and I almost punched him about 12 times,

but I didn't.

But then, after class, my ninja dad and I were going to 

talk over everything that had happened the day before.

I grabbed a fleece blanket from the back room and wrapped up in

it on the floor while we talked.

He gave his point of view, which all had to directly do with me

attracting awkward moments to myself, and I think I agree

with him, because they happen a lot. 

But, I had bigger problems on my mind.

After he'd shared his perspective, 

I started explaining possible reasons for why I got so 

defensive and pissed off, and it all had to do with my

previous experiences with my parents, 

because I just wanted to feel their love and approval,

and they were too busy dealing with their own problems to 

really be "parents", so I'd do pretty ridiculous things

to try to get their attention, but nothing ever worked,

and instead it just made them more mad at me because I was 

"acting out", so that just made everything worse.

I'd kinda fixed my problems with my mom, but concerning my dad,

I'd never made peace with any of it.

So, while I was sitting there talking, I started explaining

about how I had a long talk with him out in Tennessee when I

was about to move, and in the middle of my explanation,

I suddenly got a huge lump in my throat and I couldn't talk.

Just the same as with every other time I cry, I tried keeping 

my breathing even, but the more effort I put in,

the worse my body would shake and I felt I might suddenly

burst into tears.

My ninja dad went right into "dad" mode and sat

next to me, wrapping his arms around me while I sat

on the floor and cried.

In the midst of my sobbing, I explained the rest of the

conversation, how I'd told my dad that for pretty much

my whole life, I never felt like I really had a dad, and I was seeing

the same sort of thing happening to my siblings,

and that he couldn't do that to them.

I love my siblings, so of course I want them to have

a better life than me, which means feeling like both of 

their parents are actually there for them, instead of just one or 

neither.

During my little meltdown, I'd held his blanket clenched

close to my face, so I got mascara-blackened tears

all over it, and I said "I got your blanket all teary, I'm sorry..."

He pulled back to look at me with an eyebrow raised

and said "You really think I care about that? Idiot, I care a lot

more about you." and I laughed a little, realizing that was a little ridiculous.

After a choked gasp, I sat back and my breathing evened out

enough for me to gain my composure.

He let go of me and we sat against the wall talking for a minute, 

and then he started to doze off.

I wasn't paying too much attention, but I could tell he was going in and out,

and my mind was going elsewhere. 

I wasn't completely sure why, but I kept going between these two 

thoughts about my dad, one where when I think of it, I get 

really pissed, but the other, when think of it, it's the exact opposite, 

because it's one of the semi-rare times when I really felt like my dad loved me

and knew me enough to do something for me that he knew I'd love.

The negative one was a time when he took me to see a scary movie,

and I hate scary movies for one, so I was freaked out, but he never put 

his arm around me or anything, and I often wondered why the heck not.

I mean, I'm his daughter, I was scared, what father wouldn't 

want to put a comforting arm around his daughter

if she's freaked out?

So yeah, I was pissed about that.

But then the other one, here's a little backstory:

I love Lord of the Rings.

My whole family loves Lord of the Rings.

When I moved out here, I didn't have my own copies of the movies,

and I was really sad about that because I didn't know how long

it would take me to get my own.

Soon after I moved out here, I got a visit from my mom's parents,

because they went to see my family, 

and when they came to see me, my dad had sent them with his copies of

the extended versions of all 3 movies, because he knew how much

I love them.

So, that was one of those rare moments when I really felt like he even

knows who I am. 

But, anyway, so I was going back and forth between those two thoughts, 

and then thinking about how my dad had just reached out to me 

via Facebook, I didn't know how to feel about it.

I didn't know whether to just be sad and confused and not do anything

different, or if I should at least give him credit for trying to be

a good father.

All of those thoughts made me get really emotional again, but I was

trying to be quiet and hide it, but my ninja dad has a 6th sense,

so of course he woke right up and looked at me, and then it was all over

from there. 

He wrapped one of his arms around me going over my shoulder and 

under my arm, and I was holding onto his arm for dear life, pretty much.

I don't know how long I sat there crying in his arms, 

but at one point I remember trying to get a hold of myself, 

and it literally felt like my chest was going to burst open.

If there's ever been a time where I felt vulnerable and somewhat pathetic,

that was it, for sure.

But yeah, that was my interesting experience in realizing  that

I have much bigger "Daddy issues" than I originally

gave myself credit for.

Maybe that's half of my problem with dating, I haven't gotten over

my daddy issues, so I haven't been able to keep a stable 

relationship, because I never had the experience of a stable relationship

with my dad. 

I don't know. Food for thought. 

Just hate me or love me. Stop with the inbetween.

So, I've been continuing to try to be friends with Samuel, even though it's been pretty dang terrible. I have no idea what he's doing. It's like, when we're alone - just me and him - he acts completely normal. But at church, or at ward activities, suddenly there's a wall that goes up, and I have no idea what to do about it.
I'm admitting to myself though that I'm not over him. Like, at all. Or, well, I don't know. In some aspects, I'm way over him. Like how he didn't know how to communicate, or how he always put the blame for his bad relationships on the girls he dated and doesn't see that he might be doing something that's not good. He doesn't see that he could be doing anything wrong.  I'm way over that.  What I'm not over is how I felt while I was with him.  I've never been so infatuated with another human being, it was overwhelming.  There were so many things about his personality that I just loved.  I loved his outgoing, spunky way of goofing off anywhere he was, with whomever. It didn't matter to him.  I loved how geeky he was when it came to Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and metal working. I loved how close he is with his siblings, and how much he cares about them.  I loved how he was a daredevil.  I loved how confident he was.  I could go on and on... but it's too painful, so I'll spare myself.  Let it suffice to say that I still feel like my heart is ripping a hole in my chest, and despite my efforts to be cheery and happy-go-lucky without him, I'm hurting.  I'm hurting a lot.  But I think that's ok for right now.  Of course, I'll still put my best face forward, but I don't need to rush myself to just "be ok" when I'm still not ok. I just hope that by the end of the summer, I'm over it, so that when he comes back from summer sales, it doesn't hit me like a freight train.

Screw men. Period.

I hate men.
Let me tell you why.
Last night, I had a long conversation with Samuel, about my social anxiety. He doesn't understand it, nor do I believe he ever will. In short, he told me that whenever I lean on him as my "wing-man", it makes him uncomfortable.
Thanks a lot.
And then he's all worried that he's leading me on when he pretty much completely ignores me. Yeah, whatever.
I'm so done with this crap.
And then other people's remarks, which they think are so damn helpful, just make it that much worse.
"You'll find him eventually.."
"He's out there somewhere"
"You just have to stop looking and you'll find him."
Stop telling me that. I've been there, done that, I've stopped looking for a man and TWICE, one has fallen into my life only to leave me a bitter, broken-hearted wretch because I'm too much for them to handle.
I can't do this anymore. I'm done with men.
So, here you go, God:
I am henceforth swearing off dating for this entire freaking year! So, if your plan is for me to get married, you'd better send me a prince and a lightning bolt to go with it so I know it's him.
Or I'll grow up an old maid.
There. The end.

Well...

So... it's been about 6 months since the last time I wrote...

A freaking lot has happened in that 6 months.

Remember Fidget from like, 3 years ago?

I dated him before my mission.

To make a really long story short, we started dating again

in July, and we dated until the beginning of October, 

when I broke things off. Again.

Basically, he's just a narcissist, and so ever since then

we haven't spoken at all.

I know that sounds a lot like I'm just pointing fingers,

but I'm serious.

Narcissist.

It was bad.

Since October, there's only been one other guy in my life,

and he's still kind of in it. It's really complicated.

His name is Samuel, he's in my singles ward.

(That's a church congregation for young, single adults,

age 18-31.)

He put together this Jiu Jitsu class for our ward,

and I started going during the summer.  

It's an every week thing, and I would go every week,

faithfully.

I really liked learning how to defend myself,

plus a little of how to just plain beat the crap

out of someone.

It's fun, what can I say?

But, back to Samuel.

Whenever I'd go to Jiu Jitsu, we'd always flirt, a lot,

but then the rest of the week I'd pretty much never see him,

or talk to him.

That changed quite a bit in December.

We hung out after Jiu Jitsu, and were watching Nacho Libre,

and that was the first time he held my hand, 

and we cuddled. It was pretty fantastic.

I really, really like him.

It took about 2 weeks-ish from the time we started spending

a lot of time together until the first time he kissed me.

Or well, if I'm being technical,

I kissed him first.

But anyway, yeah, we dated for about a month,

and then he said he just wants to be friends.

I had a rough couple of days after that,

but, I decided that it's better for me to stay friends with him

and perhaps help him see that he can be himself around me,

than to just say "No, screw it." 

Besides, I think there's a lot more to it than him just saying

"I just want to be friends."

His parents were divorced 2 years ago, and his dad was

a pretty awful person, from the sound of things,

so I can see how he'd be pretty terrified of relationships and 

marriage, etc etc. 

And, really, I know that he at least thought about marriage

while he was dating me. He brought it up several times.

Therefore, my conclusion is that perhaps he REALLY 

felt something while he was dating me,

and it scared the crap out of him, and so he tried to push me out.

But he's still keeping me within arm's reach, because

he still wants to be friends. 

And, if my feelings don't deceive me, he's still into me,

he just won't admit it.

For instance, he still flirts with me a lot, especially when 

it's just us two together; he asks me semi-frequently if 

things he does impress me. Like, when we went to a 

power tumbling gym, he was doing "flips and shiz" 

as he calls it, and afterward he was like

"I bet you didn't know I could do that. Pretty impressive, huh?"

And when I responded with "I wasn't surprised."

he was like "oh..."

So then I told him later that I did think it was impressive, 

because honestly, it was. It was pretty dang impressive, 

actually.

And, going back to my list, he still opens all my doors for me,

when I let him, and when he gives me hugs when I first see him, 

or when I'm about to leave, he always holds on

really tight, and really long. 

So, yeah. 

Friends?

I think it may be just a temporary thing.

I can live with that.

One Month is Almost Up

On my end, nothing has changed.

I've decided that I don't want to be

with Cade.

Honestly, I don't really miss him.

What I do miss, though,

is the relationship itself.

This may sound twisted and maybe

a little obsessive,

but that's really what I've been missing.

Being single sucks.

And I really wish I had something to do

with myself.

I mean, maybe I'll be able to finish

my music album, because, my heck,

this has been really hard, and generally

hard things generate really good

music.

It's Over

Cade broke up with me tonight...

Come to find out 

he's been feeling a bit like it 

wouldn't work out for a while, but

he never wanted to tell me. 

I hardly even want to write about this 

because I think I shut off my emotions

as soon as we started talking tonight.

We went to the temple today,

and honestly, I'm so confused, 

because I felt like it went super 

well, but I guess

he didn't feel the same way.

In fact, he said that he really started

feeling like it wasn't going to work

after we had went.

In the car, on our way back to his house

from the temple,

I kept trying to get him to talk about it,

but he was of so little words,

it was really difficult.

But, I did get him to tell me about when

he felt like electrical engineering 

was what he was supposed to do,

career-wise.

He said that it just seemed to "click"

the right way, so he just knew.

That got me thinking.

If our relationship wasn't "clicking"

for him, something isn't right, 

so I was thinking about that a lot while I

was at work, and afterward, I went 

over to his house and we talked about it.

And he admitted everything that 

he hasn't been telling me for

the past 2 months. 

So, we agreed mutually that we're 

going to spend a month apart, and if,

by the beginning of next month,

we feel better about being apart

than we did about being together, then

we're going to just stay apart.

I know I need to sleep, but honestly, 

I don't feel like I can sleep.

It's like, I feel like I want to cry so hard

that I throw up, but I don't feel anything.

I think I literally shut my emotions off. 

Maybe that wasn't the best thing to do,

but as soon as I knew where it was going,

that he was going to break it off,

I felt the wall come up. 

Hardcore, too.

I keep trying to remind myself that this

isn't the end of the world,

and that I learned something from this,

but I have no idea what I learned

from it.

I mean, I guess I learned that I want

a man that can be honest with me.

I told my best friend as I was driving home

(Of course I told her what happened)

"I have better things to live for

than to die for some boy."

Which is true.

But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt,

to have that empty space there.

I hate to say that he wasn't 

taking up much room, but I don't

think the attachment was as strong as it

would have been had he actually been

putting a lot of effort into making me feel

like he wanted me to be

his girlfriend.

Oh well. 

Tomorrow's a new day.

Start fresh, I guess.

Catching Up Post #4

So, for the most part, over the past while,

most of my posts have been made while I've been 

on my phone, so I apologize for the 

inconsistency in the spacing and such.

I can't center the text on a cellphone.

But! Anyway!

This post is nothing but happy!

I already told the story of how I kissed Cade 

about a week ago, and how he'd taken it

remarkably well. 

So, long story short, two days later, we said
"Ok, yeah, let's make this official." 

So, he's my boyfriend now!!!

Fina-freakin-lly!!!

This is pretty much the last catch-up post

I need to do.  I think.

I know though, with all the other guys 

I've been dating recently, I really

got myself into some hot water here.

But, I'm not worrying about it for now.

We're young adults.

We date.

Sometimes we date a lot of people,

but when we decide on one, 

that's that.

I don't think I led any of them on, either.

I never was like "Oh yeah, I really like you."

I think I did a pretty good job at really 

keeping them all at arm's length

up until now, when I can just forget about 

all of them.

Because I'm very happy with my decision,

and I haven't done anything out-of-line,

so I feel like I can just move on with life.

With Cade.

:) 

I like this.

He does too, actually. A lot.

It's so weird to think about how far I've come

in the past 5 years.  5 1/2, technically.

And even if things don't work out with Cade, 

I think I have the skills I need to be able

to pick up and move on with life, 

instead of becoming a total train-wreck.

Yep. Life is good.

Catching Up Post #3

So, last post I had just revealed my Bishop's counsel to kiss Cade.
Here's how that went.
It was a Thursday. I had just finished a meeting at work, and Cade asked me to come up and hang out at his house. I knew that I was going to have to kiss him, so the whole time I was there, I was especially jittery, nervous, and giddy all at the same time. I was with him for 7 hours, the whole time wondering about how I was going to pull it off without it being totally awkward.
When it was time for me to go, Cade walked me out. Normally, he just walks me out to the porch, we talk for a little bit, and we part ways from there. This time, he walked me all the way out to my car. We stood by my car, talking, and I knew that the time was now or never. So, in the middle of our conversation, I said
"Cade, there's something I need to give you."
He was confused, thinking I had something else from Tennessee to give him. He said "ok, what is it?"
Scrambling, I said "you have to close your eyes."
He smirked, chuckled slightly, and closed his eyes. I said "are you ready for this?"
Again, confused, he said "I think so." He was smiling, but his teeth were showing. I was thinking 'there's no way I'm kissing him with his mouth open. Freak. How do I fix this?'
Then I got an idea.
I placed my hands on either side of his face, just below his jaw, subliminally letting him know that this was about to happen. Then I said, "are you sure you're ready for this?"
He said nothing. But, he closed his mouth! Mission accomplished! So, naturally, I leaned up on my toes and kissed him. It was short, but when we parted, he said "wow." I began to shake uncontrollably, as is the norm when I first kiss a guy. Cade laughed, but gave me a huge hug. He told me he hoped I wasn't feeling afraid of him, to which I said "nope, not at all. I was just really nervous."
So, as of then, Cade officially lost his virgin lips. He was pretty ok with that.

Catching Up Post #2

Back to the trip. When it was over, Cade volunteered to pick me up from the airport, and when I landed, he was making my phone ring off the hook because he was so excited to see me, he couldn't stand it.
When we got back to my house from the airport, we were just talking and he wouldn't let me get out of arm's reach, which I thought was rather adorable. If I walked too far for him to reach me, he'd follow me until he could put his arm around me again. Grandma thought that was hilariously cute. I did too. When he was leaving, I told him that I remembered he said something would be different, so I said "what's different?" And he basically said that he needed one more day to solidify, but he said he thought he was pretty much ready for a committed relationship. We said goodnight after that, and I went to bed. I should have been ecstatic, what with him suddenly feeling ready to commit! Right?
Nope. I panicked.
I completely panicked.
I woke up the next morning, and I could remember I was thinking about him, but my heart was pounding so fast, and it wasn't a good kind of pounding. I had a feeling of utter dread and terror.
I was confused about it because if that was a sign from God that the relationship wasn't right and I needed to get out of it, why had He been pushing me to stay in the relationship for so long? It didn't add up to me, so I was debating what to do. I was praying in my heart about it, and I had this feeling I should go see my bishop. So, I set up a meeting, and I was going to be visiting with him that night.
That whole day at work, I was jittery and irritable, so I was glad when I got to go home and go directly to my church building.
When I got there, the Bishop welcomed me in, and I told him my dilemma. He asked me some questions about the relationship, and about Cade, to which I answered honestly, and the answers were all in favor of Cade. Then he asked me a very important question.
"Have you kissed him?"
And I said "no.. not really. We had to kiss on the kiss-cam at BYU, but that's the only time." The bishop told me that didn't count, which I agreed with. Bishop asked me some more questions, and then he sat, pondering for a moment, and then he said,
"Ok, I think - and I can't believe I'm telling you this - that you need to, to put it frankly, plant one on him."
My brow furrowed.
"You mean KISS him??" I asked, dumbfounded.
"Yeah. That's what I mean."
We laughed for a solid 5 minutes about that, because honestly, what bishop ever tells two young adults that they need to be kissing? I'd never heard of that before. But, I agreed, and said I would do my part. I had a good feeling about it, and when I got home, I prayed for confirmation of the instruction I was given.
It was a "duh" answer.
So, there was my next quest: to kiss this boy I had sworn I wouldn't kiss until he put a ring on my finger. More of that next time.

Catching Up Post #1

So, going back like, 3 weeks ago, I was leaving to go to Tennessee to visit my parents.  Before I left, it was my last Sunday, and I was so ticked at Cade because he still was dragging his feet, and was pretty consistently flaking out on me. He showed up at my house unexpectedly, so we sat in the kitchen for a while and talked. During said talk, I opened up about my feelings of frustration concerning his lack of ability to commit. I felt bad even saying it, even though it had to be said, so I freaking started crying while I was talking. And then he started crying, so then it was just a big cry-fest.
He did say though, that he felt he didn't quite understand just how hard it was for me to be in the "limbo" phase - dating other guys, but having my heart completely set on Cade - so he said that after me saying it, and crying, that he understood it a lot more. And now that he knew what the problem was, he went into "fix-it" mode.
"Ok, when you get back, things are going to be different." So I was like "alright", and that was basically our good-bye.
It was incredible though, while I was on my trip, he was so attentive and would talk to me all the time, even though he was 5 hours behind me. (He and his family went to Hawaii while I was gone.) I was thoroughly impressed by his extra efforts to stay in touch.
I'll take a break here until the next post. I have a lot to catch up on.

Guess who?

So, this may come as an intense surprise. Guess who pretty much came back from the dead?
Ricky.
I don't think I posted about the time that he texted me about a month or so ago. I was a real witch when we talked then, like totally emotionless. My wall was up hardcore. So anyway, he just finished finals last week, so he's on summer break, and a couple days ago I got a text from someone in my old group of friends from High School who wanted to get together and have a party. Ricky was going to be there, so I was a little wary of going, but I was thinking "I'll show him. I'll go and be just fine." So then, the day of the party, I was on my Facebook, and he was online, so I was like "I'm gonna prove my point. He won't answer." So, I messaged him. I waited a few minutes, and nothing, so I exited the conversation window, rather pleased with myself, but suddenly it popped back up again.. he had responded! That was the first time in months! And in fact, he was the one doing most of the conversing and asking questions and such. I was honestly shocked. We got off the chat, because I had to go to work, and he was like "see you tonight!" So we got off, and I was going to work, and then he texted me! I was like "ok, what do you want??" because it was like "can you really not wait until tonight to talk to me?" so, we texted back and forth a little, then after work I went to Figit's house - remember him? I dated him before my mission. We're still good friends. Anyway, I was with Figit for a couple hours, then I went over to the party. When I walked in, Ricky was there, and we were all talking and reminiscing and whatnot, and I noticed that Ricky kept staring at me. A lot. And there was one moment when I was explaining to everyone why they never know what's going on in my life, and I just said "that's because I don't really tell anybody anything," and then Ricky chimed in with the things he and I had been talking about. I couldn't help but wonder if he was saying those things just to prove that he was paying attention to what I was saying. Later, we had all moved to the couches, and I ended up sitting next to Ricky, and at one point he turned to me and mentioned that he seemed to have a talent for disappearing off the face of the Earth. I turned to him, and quietly enough that no one else could hear, I said "yeah, I know." rather sharply, and his expression seemed to melt. He said "I'm so sorry that I disappeared back in October. I really feel bad about that." I didn't know what to say, so I just looked from him back to everyone else at least twice, smirking uncertainly, and then said "ok." It was the best I could come up with.
We went on throughout the evening cordially, but he kept smacking me with a pillow. I got him back a couple times. At the end of the party, we ended up leaving at the same time, and as we walked out, we were talking, and got rather carried away in our conversation until I had started to shiver. He offered for us to continue talking in his car, so we went and continued on talking sitting in his car, which is very nice, by the way.
Again, he started talking about how he felt really bad for disappearing, and started to give his explanation. He never mentioned our mutual friend that I knew he had had a crush on for a while, just school. So, I asked him directly if she had anything to do with it. He said she didnt, and continued to explain his behavior, because apparently he somewhat shut down because of the load of schoolwork that had been heaped on him. I understood the shutting down part completely.
So then he me how I was doing, and I could tell he didn't want a "yes" or "no", so I said "better." He wanted to know what I meant by that, so I said "better than I was out in Tennessee." So then he asked what happened. He wanted to know what had happened to me out there. I asked him twice if he was sure he wanted to hear the whole story, because it wasn't a good story, but he insisted. So, warily, I began telling him about how day by day out there doing nothing, I began to lose myself and get lost in a daze. The depression was so bad that sometimes I couldn't get out of bed until the middle of the afternoon. At one point, I had seriously been considering suicide, and had made a plan for how I was going to do it, and that's when I started therapy. I told him that my Branch President in Tennessee made me promise that I would continue out here, so I said I go to therapy every week, and I've been getting a lot better. It was a much different reaction than the one I got when I told Cade. It was the sort of reaction I've been hoping for. He didn't freak out, but he just gave his sympathy as best he could, which was all I needed. So then, here's the climax, he asked me on a date. Originally it was actually supposed to be tonight, but we ended up having to reschedule to Monday, which I'm ok with. I'm exhausted.
But yeah, so, Ricky is back in the picture. He has officially re-entered the "love angle".

Watch out, Cade..

So, no surprise here, Cade still won't commit.
NO SURPRISE there.
So, I've been dating around as much as I freakin want to the past while, just because I can for one, and also because I don't have my eyes half shut yet.  I'm still looking around.
Which brings me to the subject of my post.
Today, I went on a date with a guy who served in the same mission as me.  I always thought that would be weird dating guys from the mission, but it was actually really fun.
He freaking brought over his motorcycle!
It was seriously so fun!
We went over to Costa Vida and got lunch, and just talked about stuff, and then both of us had other stuff to do, so it was a really short date, but it was still a date.  And I really kinda like this guy.  His name is Adam.  (not really, you know the drill). But anyway, the point is that Adam left today to go up to Oregon to do summer sales, but he'll be back in the fall. So, he won't be here for the next approx. 4 months.  But, the point is that if Cade can't commit by the end of the summer, he may very well be freakin out of luck, because I like this guy a lot, and if he comes back here and says "yeah, lets date some more" I'm gonna be like "Heck yeah!"
AND, over the summer, the elder from my mission that I had the hugest crush on gets home. Although he lives in Arizona, but that doesn't mean that we can't talk! We totally will! All the time!
AND, also, around August, my really good friend from work gets home from his mission, and I kinda sorta like that kid too.  People always used to tease us and say that we were a "thing" while we worked together, even though we weren't.  Like, we totally weren't. He was 16. I was 18. Ew. Cougar status.
BUT! Now hes over 18. So, hes legal.
Freak! It's rainin' men! Somebody get me an umbrella!