My Dreams Like to Torture Me: Part 2

I'm getting to the point where I really hate dreaming lately. The reason for that is because, like I said, they aren't being very nice. The dream I had last night was really very simple. I was with Ricky, and he was showing me this amazing scientific phenomenon, which I was totally mesmerized by. And then, as I was standing there next to him, he put his arm around my waist. It was as simple as that. I was so happy, but then I realized I was dreaming...

Is something wrong with me?

Ok, so, I apologize in advance.

This is going to be a depressing post

because I'm feeling really crappy.

So, if you're in a good mood, I wouldn't

recommend reading this.

I'm so sick of dating, already.

I knew this was going to happen,

as I was getting into the closing months

of my mission, I was like 

"Crap, I'm going to have to start dating..."

And that's EXACTLY what it's been like!

I freakin hate dating!

I HATE it!

I HATE IT!!!!

Does that illustrate the point?

Ugh!

Of COURSE it would be during the holidays

when everyone's being all lovey

with their lovers, 

and then there's me, sittin over here

by myself like:

"I hate you."

It doesn't help that, really, I'm just

really mad at Ricky. Or about him.

Something.

He's the one who's always on my mind,

but I'm starting to think that everything

between me and him was just a fluke

and so like, not even worth my time.

But of COURSE it would happen with him,

right after I find out a bunch of crap

from Nick about what went down between

me and him earlier this year.

That was a really sucky conversation to have.

Ok, I'm totally getting off topic here, because

I can't even think straight, I'm so angry.

This is almost funny, except 

it's totally not.

Ok, let me give the run-down on the conv.

with Nick. That'll explain a lot.

So, while I was on my mission,

just after Nick got home, my parents went to

his homecoming, and got to get to know his

parents, and after that,

EVERYTHING went downhill. No joke.

I had no idea why, until finally I asked him straight up,

and he said that his mom thought

my family was weird.

So then I was like "Say what?"

Yeah, so I guess I've been harboring

that little fact and it's been festering inside

me for the past who knows how long,

because I'm so freaking angry about it

I don't even know what to do with myself.

So, what this has to do with Ricky is,

I guess from that little bit of info from Nick,

I have this little voice inside me that's like,

"No one who is 'temporally fortunate' will

ever want you, because you were raised in poverty."

Yes, this is true.

I was freaking raised in poverty.

It's not my fault that for most of my life, 

my parents could barely afford to keep a roof 

over our heads, let alone feed us or teach us

how to be proper, perfect little children, and 

make sure we looked absolutely fashionable.

I think they had bigger concerns on their plate.

Yes, Ricky's family is very well-off.

Like, extremely well-off.

He's very well-off, and he's only 21..

Whereas me, I'm 21 and only have like,

$50 to my name.

So, basically what this comes down to,

is I feel like no one who is decently well-off

will ever want me because I'm freaking poor 

and uneducated, and apparently my family

is weird because we're not the perfect

Mormon family where nobody fights or 

even disagrees.  Heaven forbid that ANY

family should ever act like that.

That just makes me so angry...

So flippin angry, I could scream.

I really ought to take up a martial art.

That way I won't kill someone someday

by accident.

Ok, I'm gonna backtrack for a second.

Why I'm so mad about what's going on

with Ricky is because it's been like, a month and

a half since I've actually heard from him, like

been able to have a good, long conversation

with him.

He never responds to anything I send him, so

I'm just kind of assuming that there's nothing there

anymore.

That's why I'm so upset.

I feel like he's gone, and I don't know what I did.

I wish I knew,

but it seems to be happening this way lately,

that I like a guy who's really great, but then

they disappear for some reason,

and I never find out why.

Oh well.

Our mutual friend is coming home soon.

He can freakin go marry her for all I care.

I'll find someone else.

Or I'll just grow up a bachelorette 

and never get married.

Yep. There's my rant. 

 

 

5 down, a Million to go

So, David asked me earlier this week 

if we could meet up and talk tonight, and 

kinda sort things out.

We did. He came over tonight, and we
talked for a little while, driving in his car,
but that didn't go anywhere. I was actually
really peeved about where it went,
or I should say where it DIDN'T go.
He basically didn't talk the whole time.
So, he dropped me off,
and I went inside, just thinking: "...huh?"
And then he texted me and was a LOT
more talkative, so I was like "Where was this
10 minutes ago?"
I guess he felt bad, or guilty, something, because
he asked if we could try again, talking, I mean.
I agreed, hesitantly, because if it turned out
anything like the last one, I was going to
let him have it, big time.
I was definitely surprised, because when I went
back out to talk to him, we just sat in his car
in front of my house, and he was
completely the opposite of what he was 10 minutes
previous. In fact, he was almost
interrogating me for answers of why this was this way
and why I acted this way, etc etc.
Now, before you go getting defensive and
labeling him as a jerk, let me just say, for myself,
that I did a freaking crap job of breaking up.
Like, no joke.
Crap job.
So, he kind of had a right to be asking
so many questions.
Anywho, so, I was really taken aback by
all the questions, and I kind of just wanted to
curl up into a ball and hide.
Especially because most of the questions he was
asking were based around the idea that he wanted
to know the exact reasons why I didn't
want to date him anymore.
That was a really hard conversation to have,
and I ended up crying because I felt so shallow
about the fact that I was having problems with
not being very physically attracted to him.
I still feel at least somewhat bad about it, frankly.
Either or, we ended up coming to a very
solid, good agreement, and I would still definitely
consider him to be a very good friend.
It was interesting though, some of the things
we addressed - which were the reason for my
sudden emotional breakdown - weren't about him
at all, and I kind felt the same way I did when
we hung out last Tuesday and I ended up
bawling into his chest for over an hour.
It was a really strange, almost "spiritually
cleansing" moment, I might call it.
Nothing like that has happened since way before I
left on my mission.
And since I've been back, it's happened twice.
The reason for the title this time, was after
I'd finally gotten a hold of myself,
I muttered "One more down."
Speaking figuratively of the bricks that I have
on my shoulders.
David disagreed, and said "I think that was two."
And I said "Probably more like five."
So, that's where that came from.

All the Single Ladies!

That includes me.

Yep.

I'm single again.

Amazingly enough though,

I actually feel really relieved.

And I'm starting to understand what

some people talk about when they say

that sometimes people really try

to get you to think that you're thinking

the same way as them when really 

you're not.

Like, I can see now, David was 

REEEAAAALLLY

trying to convince me to stay here in TN,

to give up my dreams in Utah,

so that we could stay together and 

get married.

It was hard for me to see it in the beginning, 

but as our relationship progressed,

he was asking way too much of me right

from the get-go. 

I think he was probably just really excited to 

have a Mormon girlfriend,

and so he wanted to head straight for the 

altar.

Not my cup of tea.

I sincerely hope that he's alright after this.

I feel like I was pretty gentle about it.

But, I can't bother myself about it too much,

because I'm not responsible for him.

I did learn a ton about myself in the past 2

weeks since we've been together.

Like, honestly, it doesn't feel like it's only 

been 1 1/2 weeks. It feels like it's been a month,

or more.

I am grateful that I was able to have this

experience, but I'm also really grateful

that it has come to an end, also.