Just hate me or love me. Stop with the inbetween.

So, I've been continuing to try to be friends with Samuel, even though it's been pretty dang terrible. I have no idea what he's doing. It's like, when we're alone - just me and him - he acts completely normal. But at church, or at ward activities, suddenly there's a wall that goes up, and I have no idea what to do about it.
I'm admitting to myself though that I'm not over him. Like, at all. Or, well, I don't know. In some aspects, I'm way over him. Like how he didn't know how to communicate, or how he always put the blame for his bad relationships on the girls he dated and doesn't see that he might be doing something that's not good. He doesn't see that he could be doing anything wrong.  I'm way over that.  What I'm not over is how I felt while I was with him.  I've never been so infatuated with another human being, it was overwhelming.  There were so many things about his personality that I just loved.  I loved his outgoing, spunky way of goofing off anywhere he was, with whomever. It didn't matter to him.  I loved how geeky he was when it came to Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and metal working. I loved how close he is with his siblings, and how much he cares about them.  I loved how he was a daredevil.  I loved how confident he was.  I could go on and on... but it's too painful, so I'll spare myself.  Let it suffice to say that I still feel like my heart is ripping a hole in my chest, and despite my efforts to be cheery and happy-go-lucky without him, I'm hurting.  I'm hurting a lot.  But I think that's ok for right now.  Of course, I'll still put my best face forward, but I don't need to rush myself to just "be ok" when I'm still not ok. I just hope that by the end of the summer, I'm over it, so that when he comes back from summer sales, it doesn't hit me like a freight train.

Screw men. Period.

I hate men.
Let me tell you why.
Last night, I had a long conversation with Samuel, about my social anxiety. He doesn't understand it, nor do I believe he ever will. In short, he told me that whenever I lean on him as my "wing-man", it makes him uncomfortable.
Thanks a lot.
And then he's all worried that he's leading me on when he pretty much completely ignores me. Yeah, whatever.
I'm so done with this crap.
And then other people's remarks, which they think are so damn helpful, just make it that much worse.
"You'll find him eventually.."
"He's out there somewhere"
"You just have to stop looking and you'll find him."
Stop telling me that. I've been there, done that, I've stopped looking for a man and TWICE, one has fallen into my life only to leave me a bitter, broken-hearted wretch because I'm too much for them to handle.
I can't do this anymore. I'm done with men.
So, here you go, God:
I am henceforth swearing off dating for this entire freaking year! So, if your plan is for me to get married, you'd better send me a prince and a lightning bolt to go with it so I know it's him.
Or I'll grow up an old maid.
There. The end.

Well...

So... it's been about 6 months since the last time I wrote...

A freaking lot has happened in that 6 months.

Remember Fidget from like, 3 years ago?

I dated him before my mission.

To make a really long story short, we started dating again

in July, and we dated until the beginning of October, 

when I broke things off. Again.

Basically, he's just a narcissist, and so ever since then

we haven't spoken at all.

I know that sounds a lot like I'm just pointing fingers,

but I'm serious.

Narcissist.

It was bad.

Since October, there's only been one other guy in my life,

and he's still kind of in it. It's really complicated.

His name is Samuel, he's in my singles ward.

(That's a church congregation for young, single adults,

age 18-31.)

He put together this Jiu Jitsu class for our ward,

and I started going during the summer.  

It's an every week thing, and I would go every week,

faithfully.

I really liked learning how to defend myself,

plus a little of how to just plain beat the crap

out of someone.

It's fun, what can I say?

But, back to Samuel.

Whenever I'd go to Jiu Jitsu, we'd always flirt, a lot,

but then the rest of the week I'd pretty much never see him,

or talk to him.

That changed quite a bit in December.

We hung out after Jiu Jitsu, and were watching Nacho Libre,

and that was the first time he held my hand, 

and we cuddled. It was pretty fantastic.

I really, really like him.

It took about 2 weeks-ish from the time we started spending

a lot of time together until the first time he kissed me.

Or well, if I'm being technical,

I kissed him first.

But anyway, yeah, we dated for about a month,

and then he said he just wants to be friends.

I had a rough couple of days after that,

but, I decided that it's better for me to stay friends with him

and perhaps help him see that he can be himself around me,

than to just say "No, screw it." 

Besides, I think there's a lot more to it than him just saying

"I just want to be friends."

His parents were divorced 2 years ago, and his dad was

a pretty awful person, from the sound of things,

so I can see how he'd be pretty terrified of relationships and 

marriage, etc etc. 

And, really, I know that he at least thought about marriage

while he was dating me. He brought it up several times.

Therefore, my conclusion is that perhaps he REALLY 

felt something while he was dating me,

and it scared the crap out of him, and so he tried to push me out.

But he's still keeping me within arm's reach, because

he still wants to be friends. 

And, if my feelings don't deceive me, he's still into me,

he just won't admit it.

For instance, he still flirts with me a lot, especially when 

it's just us two together; he asks me semi-frequently if 

things he does impress me. Like, when we went to a 

power tumbling gym, he was doing "flips and shiz" 

as he calls it, and afterward he was like

"I bet you didn't know I could do that. Pretty impressive, huh?"

And when I responded with "I wasn't surprised."

he was like "oh..."

So then I told him later that I did think it was impressive, 

because honestly, it was. It was pretty dang impressive, 

actually.

And, going back to my list, he still opens all my doors for me,

when I let him, and when he gives me hugs when I first see him, 

or when I'm about to leave, he always holds on

really tight, and really long. 

So, yeah. 

Friends?

I think it may be just a temporary thing.

I can live with that.

One Month is Almost Up

On my end, nothing has changed.

I've decided that I don't want to be

with Cade.

Honestly, I don't really miss him.

What I do miss, though,

is the relationship itself.

This may sound twisted and maybe

a little obsessive,

but that's really what I've been missing.

Being single sucks.

And I really wish I had something to do

with myself.

I mean, maybe I'll be able to finish

my music album, because, my heck,

this has been really hard, and generally

hard things generate really good

music.