Haunting Memories

This last week has been interesting. I think I start off most of my posts that way.. but, oh well. Here's my story for today: it was Friday night, I had had a super packed day working and I was really, really tired. I went over to my ninja family's house and crashed on their couch for a little while, and when I woke up I was talking to my ninja dad, and I had had a headache for a few hours so he was rubbing my temples to try to make my headache go away. In the middle of while he was rubbing my head, there was an instant where he way he touched me felt exactly like the way Samuel used to touch me. I started to get a little uneasy, having memories with Samuel start to flood through my head. And of course, none of the memories I had running through my head were good ones. If I'm being frank and honest, Samuel showed me a song by Queen once that had a line that said "I'm a sex machine" and I do think that was mostly true for him. He was a very sensual person. Like, it was a little scary now that I look back on it. So yeah, I tried keeping it to myself, but as I was on  my way home, I kept thinking about him a ton and when I got home I told my ninja dad about it. Of course he was concerned about it and wanted to more.
Let me give a little back story now. There were times when I'd be with Samuel and he'd act really seductively, but at the time I didn't just tolerate it, I actually really enjoyed it. For example, there was a time he was telling me that since he had taken a lot of anatomy classes, he knew how to get certain reactions out of me, like if he wanted to excite me, all he would really need to do is grab my hips and gently caress them. He tested it in practice on me as he was telling me the theory, and yes, it worked. My breath caught in my chest, and I kind of wanted to rip his shirt off. Or there was another time that I remember specifically where we were kissing, and he would use his almost abnormally large hands to grab onto my short ribs. It would illicit the same reaction from me, and I'd gasp a little bit, trying to breathe, and one time, he parted his lips barely far away enough from mine to whisper "I love the sound you make when I do that. It's exquisite." and his lips brushed mine as he spoke. It made me go crazy - totally crazy. Or the times when he would kiss my neck and it was literally like someone sent an electric shock through my whole body.
Anyway, I told my ninja dad a little bit about it, but then yesterday night we went bowling as a form of a "daddy-daughter" date, and there was a guy in the lane next to us that, when he bowled, he looked just like Samuel, and it was driving me nuts and throwing my groove off in a seriously crappy way. I don't think I've mentioned that, for me, when those memories would surface, it was almost like I was literally re-living every one of them. Even though it was just in my head, I'd feel his hand on my hips, or on my short ribs, or his lips brushing against mine. It makes no sense to me. In fact, it kinda freaks me out and I don't like it. So anyway, when we were done bowling, my ninja dad could tell I was off, so he asked me about it and I told him what was up. I told him about how it's such a struggle that it's been over 6 months since we broke up, we only dated for 3 weeks, and I'm still not over him because, somehow, he ignited a fire in me that for some reason only burns for him. And the memories that go through my head only fan the flame. So then that brought up the topic of how I tend to feel things deeper than most people in every way. My ninja dad mentioned that perhaps this is one reason why he had such an impact on me that I can't seem to get over. I was a little surprised that he had caught on to how I feel things deeper than most, because I was starting to think that it was just me that thought that. I didn't know that it was something that other people could see. It was a little relieving though, honestly, to have it reaffirmed that I'm not just nuts, but that maybe this is a real thing that I have that makes me different. I mean, yeah, it sucks right now, but it does bring me a little comfort in thinking that eventually I'll find a man who can handle that part of me and will actually love that about me. In fact, I think he'll be a very happy man thanks to the fact that I think differently than most women.. who knows? This little thing about me may end up being a very good thing.

22 years worth of pain

So, yesterday was a really interesting day.

First off, let me explain something.

Over the past 3 months, I've started doing a Jujitsu class,

I do it 3 times a week, and I already knew I loved doing

Jujitsu, but it makes it even better that my Sensei's 

family is super awesome and they've pretty much adopted me. 

I've even started calling him "Dad" outside of the dojo, but 

to everyone else I refer to him as my ninja dad.

So, now that you've got that little bit of backstory,

here's the main story.

On Monday, I was talking to my ninja dad, because

I had yet another awkward moment happen 

where I ended up being a third wheel for one of my ex's

and his date.

Talk about awkward.

So, anyway, I was kinda complaining about it, 

and he started saying something about how he thinks I'm

attracting awkward moments to myself,

and I was immediately pissed.

For some reason, it felt like he was saying what my 

parents always used to say to me, which was basically

that "I do ridiculous things to get attention".

So, I was thinking my ninja dad was saying the same thing,

so I was really pissed off, and my feelings were hurt,

and I definitely took it out on him.

It kinda surprised him though, and eventually he said

"I don't like this tension that's there between us.

I want to fix this."

But I told him I had to wait before I could talk about it

anymore, so we decided we'd talk about it the next day.

Also, this is important. During that conversation,

my real dad had commented on one of my posts on Facebook

where I'd been complaining about something else awkward,

and he had said "I'm glad to be part of your life, and I'm here

if you need to talk."

And it totally threw me for a loop.

My dad never says stuff like that.

For pretty much my whole life, my dad has been a stoic,

emotionally distant, ethereal figure that I've happened

to live under the same roof as.

So for him to suddenly be reaching out and wanting to connect

with me, I had no idea how to even process that.

So, now, moving on to yesterday.

We had our Jujitsu class, and during the class, the Sempai 

was driving me nuts and I almost punched him about 12 times,

but I didn't.

But then, after class, my ninja dad and I were going to 

talk over everything that had happened the day before.

I grabbed a fleece blanket from the back room and wrapped up in

it on the floor while we talked.

He gave his point of view, which all had to directly do with me

attracting awkward moments to myself, and I think I agree

with him, because they happen a lot. 

But, I had bigger problems on my mind.

After he'd shared his perspective, 

I started explaining possible reasons for why I got so 

defensive and pissed off, and it all had to do with my

previous experiences with my parents, 

because I just wanted to feel their love and approval,

and they were too busy dealing with their own problems to 

really be "parents", so I'd do pretty ridiculous things

to try to get their attention, but nothing ever worked,

and instead it just made them more mad at me because I was 

"acting out", so that just made everything worse.

I'd kinda fixed my problems with my mom, but concerning my dad,

I'd never made peace with any of it.

So, while I was sitting there talking, I started explaining

about how I had a long talk with him out in Tennessee when I

was about to move, and in the middle of my explanation,

I suddenly got a huge lump in my throat and I couldn't talk.

Just the same as with every other time I cry, I tried keeping 

my breathing even, but the more effort I put in,

the worse my body would shake and I felt I might suddenly

burst into tears.

My ninja dad went right into "dad" mode and sat

next to me, wrapping his arms around me while I sat

on the floor and cried.

In the midst of my sobbing, I explained the rest of the

conversation, how I'd told my dad that for pretty much

my whole life, I never felt like I really had a dad, and I was seeing

the same sort of thing happening to my siblings,

and that he couldn't do that to them.

I love my siblings, so of course I want them to have

a better life than me, which means feeling like both of 

their parents are actually there for them, instead of just one or 

neither.

During my little meltdown, I'd held his blanket clenched

close to my face, so I got mascara-blackened tears

all over it, and I said "I got your blanket all teary, I'm sorry..."

He pulled back to look at me with an eyebrow raised

and said "You really think I care about that? Idiot, I care a lot

more about you." and I laughed a little, realizing that was a little ridiculous.

After a choked gasp, I sat back and my breathing evened out

enough for me to gain my composure.

He let go of me and we sat against the wall talking for a minute, 

and then he started to doze off.

I wasn't paying too much attention, but I could tell he was going in and out,

and my mind was going elsewhere. 

I wasn't completely sure why, but I kept going between these two 

thoughts about my dad, one where when I think of it, I get 

really pissed, but the other, when think of it, it's the exact opposite, 

because it's one of the semi-rare times when I really felt like my dad loved me

and knew me enough to do something for me that he knew I'd love.

The negative one was a time when he took me to see a scary movie,

and I hate scary movies for one, so I was freaked out, but he never put 

his arm around me or anything, and I often wondered why the heck not.

I mean, I'm his daughter, I was scared, what father wouldn't 

want to put a comforting arm around his daughter

if she's freaked out?

So yeah, I was pissed about that.

But then the other one, here's a little backstory:

I love Lord of the Rings.

My whole family loves Lord of the Rings.

When I moved out here, I didn't have my own copies of the movies,

and I was really sad about that because I didn't know how long

it would take me to get my own.

Soon after I moved out here, I got a visit from my mom's parents,

because they went to see my family, 

and when they came to see me, my dad had sent them with his copies of

the extended versions of all 3 movies, because he knew how much

I love them.

So, that was one of those rare moments when I really felt like he even

knows who I am. 

But, anyway, so I was going back and forth between those two thoughts, 

and then thinking about how my dad had just reached out to me 

via Facebook, I didn't know how to feel about it.

I didn't know whether to just be sad and confused and not do anything

different, or if I should at least give him credit for trying to be

a good father.

All of those thoughts made me get really emotional again, but I was

trying to be quiet and hide it, but my ninja dad has a 6th sense,

so of course he woke right up and looked at me, and then it was all over

from there. 

He wrapped one of his arms around me going over my shoulder and 

under my arm, and I was holding onto his arm for dear life, pretty much.

I don't know how long I sat there crying in his arms, 

but at one point I remember trying to get a hold of myself, 

and it literally felt like my chest was going to burst open.

If there's ever been a time where I felt vulnerable and somewhat pathetic,

that was it, for sure.

But yeah, that was my interesting experience in realizing  that

I have much bigger "Daddy issues" than I originally

gave myself credit for.

Maybe that's half of my problem with dating, I haven't gotten over

my daddy issues, so I haven't been able to keep a stable 

relationship, because I never had the experience of a stable relationship

with my dad. 

I don't know. Food for thought. 

Just hate me or love me. Stop with the inbetween.

So, I've been continuing to try to be friends with Samuel, even though it's been pretty dang terrible. I have no idea what he's doing. It's like, when we're alone - just me and him - he acts completely normal. But at church, or at ward activities, suddenly there's a wall that goes up, and I have no idea what to do about it.
I'm admitting to myself though that I'm not over him. Like, at all. Or, well, I don't know. In some aspects, I'm way over him. Like how he didn't know how to communicate, or how he always put the blame for his bad relationships on the girls he dated and doesn't see that he might be doing something that's not good. He doesn't see that he could be doing anything wrong.  I'm way over that.  What I'm not over is how I felt while I was with him.  I've never been so infatuated with another human being, it was overwhelming.  There were so many things about his personality that I just loved.  I loved his outgoing, spunky way of goofing off anywhere he was, with whomever. It didn't matter to him.  I loved how geeky he was when it came to Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and metal working. I loved how close he is with his siblings, and how much he cares about them.  I loved how he was a daredevil.  I loved how confident he was.  I could go on and on... but it's too painful, so I'll spare myself.  Let it suffice to say that I still feel like my heart is ripping a hole in my chest, and despite my efforts to be cheery and happy-go-lucky without him, I'm hurting.  I'm hurting a lot.  But I think that's ok for right now.  Of course, I'll still put my best face forward, but I don't need to rush myself to just "be ok" when I'm still not ok. I just hope that by the end of the summer, I'm over it, so that when he comes back from summer sales, it doesn't hit me like a freight train.

Screw men. Period.

I hate men.
Let me tell you why.
Last night, I had a long conversation with Samuel, about my social anxiety. He doesn't understand it, nor do I believe he ever will. In short, he told me that whenever I lean on him as my "wing-man", it makes him uncomfortable.
Thanks a lot.
And then he's all worried that he's leading me on when he pretty much completely ignores me. Yeah, whatever.
I'm so done with this crap.
And then other people's remarks, which they think are so damn helpful, just make it that much worse.
"You'll find him eventually.."
"He's out there somewhere"
"You just have to stop looking and you'll find him."
Stop telling me that. I've been there, done that, I've stopped looking for a man and TWICE, one has fallen into my life only to leave me a bitter, broken-hearted wretch because I'm too much for them to handle.
I can't do this anymore. I'm done with men.
So, here you go, God:
I am henceforth swearing off dating for this entire freaking year! So, if your plan is for me to get married, you'd better send me a prince and a lightning bolt to go with it so I know it's him.
Or I'll grow up an old maid.
There. The end.