I love you anyway

Yesterday was a particularly rough day. I've had a new job for just over a month, and yeah, it's a good job, but I'm working evenings, and I hate evenings. Bleh. It makes it really hard for me to feel productive for the rest of the day. But, also, I'd been feeling kinda down,  and I started having major anxiety because I was feeling down. Back story, I was actually hospitalized back in August because I was so depressed that I'd become suicidal... so, that's why I was freaking out about feeling down. I've been on medication for months, but I was thinking "What if I can't handle my emotions even while I'm on Prozac? What if I have to be hospitalized again? It took me forever to figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling, but after work, I went over to Zach's apartment, and we talked for a while before we were going to go to the store. I started talking about how I didn't know how I was feeling and I was confused, and eventually I figured it out, because I asked him "Are you sure you want to marry me when I'm such a basket case?" And his response was "I'd marry you 5 times over, because I love you for you. All of you." And for some reason, that did it. I started crying, and he sat there and just held me for a while as I expressed my fears and insecurities about my depression, how badly I didn't want to go back to the hospital, and how afraid I was of post-pardom depression after we have children. He listened and held me, and reassured me that he'd be there to walk with me through thick and thin, for worse or for better. I can't even get over how amazing he is. I feel so safe around him, and almost unworthy of his undying love. One thing's for certain, I'll always do everything I can to live up to his love for me, and show him the same. I'm just constantly in awe of what an amazing man he is. I'm so proud to say that he's going to be the father of my children.

Let there be bells!

So, I definitely don't post on here enough, and I REALLY need to. Because who would have freaking thought?? Zach and I are getting married!!! It only took us about 2 weeks of dating to figure out we wanted to marry each other, so we're technically engaged already, but we haven't gotten my ring back from the jewelers yet. So, we'll be "officially" engaged after he gets it back and legitimately proposes. But, we've already set our wedding date - February 25th - and holy cow, the days cannot pass fast enough. Seriously, November needs to just hurry and get out of here. I'm excited for Thanksgiving though, we'll be spending it with both of our families.
But, to turn the conversation to more of a serious note, today we talked about something really important. I asked him what his experience with pornography has been, and our normal joking, playful banter and conversations took an extremely serious turn. Before he even started speaking, his eyes welled with tears. It broke my heart to hear of his struggle, and I sat close to him and held him as he told his story and cried. It broke my heart not because it was a dealbreaker and I'm going to call off our marriage - but because he is so GOOD, and has such a good heart, it makes me so sad that he's had to deal with that, because it's extremely real, and if you say otherwise, you're literally fooling yourself. In fact, let me tell you something about him. I actually met him several months ago, and back then, I knew almost nothing about him, but I could see he was such a genuinely good person, it almost shocked me that he kept paying attention to me. Remember Ricky? How he was a major "goody-two-shoes" and eventually left me, probably because he couldn't handle my imperfections? That's kinda what Zach seemed like, but not prideful about it, but he seemed so good, and innocent, I had no idea what he saw in me, because "good guys" never stuck around long with me. I'd tried, I'd really tried with a few of them, but it just never worked. So, I figured if anything were to ever happen with me and Zach, it would be exactly the same. Holy cow, was I wrong. We fit together so perfectly, we haven't had the same experiences, but we share the same values, in a lot of ways, like so many it's crazy. I feel so comfortable around him, more comfortable than I've ever felt around anyone in my life. I feel like I could tell him anything and everything, I don't feel the need to hide anything. And I feel that he feels the same way. He was driving me home tonight, after we'd spent pretty much the entire day together because he had a cold, and I had cramps, so we literally spent the entire day on the couch. We watched a couple movies, and then we just talked for hours and hours, and kissed a fair amount. We talked a lot about a lot of weird stuff today though haha. For instance, we began the necessary conversation for newly-weds of sex. Oh boy. But, we both feel that the more comfortable we are discussing somewhat "taboo" subjects, the better. But anyway, probably another really important thing to mention is that Zach has totally turned me into a sappy, hopeless romantic. I'm not a huge advocate of things like "You're the love of my life" or "I don't know what I would do without you" but I said both of those to Zach tonight, and I 100% meant it. Not just like a little bit, but down to every fiber of my being. My entire soul is filled with love for him, I can't even contain it. This may sound purely sexual, but I'm so excited to have sex with him, but like I said, it sounds extremely sexual, but it goes way beyond that. Like, worlds beyond that. Sex is such an intimate thing that our society has normalized, has made cheap. But the emotional bond that is created between a man and a woman during sex, the ultimate expression of love, trust, sacrifice, and openness, is unable to be counterfeit by any other fleeting emotion. Especially when such a couple has devoted their relationship to keeping each other pure and undefiled until their matrimony. He truly is my better half. I'm indescribeably grateful, excited, and humbled at the opportunity to become his wife.

Ok wow...

So, things have been taking an interesting turn. For the better though. Two Mondays ago, there was a guy I used to be in the same singles ward as, and he had asked me on a date. I said yes, but I did not expect it to go super well. I thought it'd be ok, but I wasn't expecting it to be amazing. But, holy cow, I was wrong. Like, so, SO wrong. It was probably one of the best dates I'd ever been on, mostly just because I felt so connected to him. Not like, physically, or sexually, but emotionally. I'd never really felt that before. With anyone. Instead of it seeming like it was a first date, it seemed like we'd been friends forever and just hadn't seen each other in a long time. So, that was a Monday, and the following Saturday, he asked me to go with him to a bonfire. But, Friday night, he surprised me, and asked if I'd like to get breakfast with him Saturday morning. The next morning, he came and got me and took me to the Black Bear Diner, which was super good. Oh my gosh, I forgot to give him a name. We'll call him Zach. Anyway, he came and got me that night, and we went up and had a bonfire with 2 other couples, and partway through the night, he held my hand, and put his arm around me, etc etc. And, that night he kissed me. We went on another couple dates, and we started talking about becoming an "official" couple. He asked me what I thought, and I didn't quite know how I felt. The next day, I was having a really important job interview, and Zach had a really important test that day as well. So, we decided to fast for each other, and we also decided to fast and see if we should pursue our relationship. Long story short, I got the job; unfortunately, he didn't pass his test; but we decided to go ahead and pursue the idea of "us". It's been the greatest thing. Last night, he took me to the temple, and it was a really, really good experience. Afterward, we were walking around the temple grounds, and he looked at me and said "are you hungry?" To which I emphatically answered "yes", and he said "well, we're all dressed up. How about we go somewhere nice?" So he took me Los Hermanos in Provo. It was super good. Anyway, yeah, that's the little details of our relationship. But I absolutely love spending time with him, I always have a good time, and we seem to be an almost perfect match... more to come later.

New Direction

So, for the next little while, I decided that this will be my recovery-venting-journal type thing. Over the past year, but this week especially, I've finally accepted that I'm a love addict and within the past week let myself go into withdrawal. It's literally Hell on earth. On Monday, I had a huge fight with my ninja dad over the fact that I'd still been looking up Samuel's pictures and such on Facebook, and every time I would look at them I'd think all about him and how great he was. Then, I saw a video of him dancing and I got super turned on by that... needless to say, ninja dad was pissed. He yelled at me, I yelled at him, whatever. We're still trying to even things out. Anyway, after that fight, I finally decided that I needed to unfriend him on Facebook so I could start to officially move on, so I did, and it opened the floodgates of withdrawal. And that's where the Hell on earth comes in. My emotions are so wacky and crazy, unpredictable and out of control, part of me really can't handle it and I feel so bad, I've had several serious suicide ideations, one of which was a crystal clear image of me taking my knife that Samuel helped me make, and dragging it up my wrist. Dramatic affect, obviously, with using the knife he helped me make. It's funny, I was watching an episode of The Vampire Diaries where Elena finally "turns her humanity back on" after having it turned "off", so she's finally feeling emotions, and I could relate very much to that.  I'm feeling things that I never thought I'd feel, and I don't know how to feel them, and be ok with feeling them. If there's one thing I know I want though, it's physical contact, with a man. And I'm having a really hard time keeping that one at bay.  In fact, there's a guy I work with at the pool who's 3 years younger than me but he always flirts with me, and I've seriously considered seeing if I can get him to make out with me, even though he's got a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a psycho, crazy, bi-atch at the moment.  I know I shouldn't do that, and I won't, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. He's got big shoulders, and I'm sure he could hold me really tight. Anyway, enough of that, that's just entertaining bad ideas. I'm really glad that my mom at least knows to keep a little distance with the whole recovery thing, since she has a lot of emotional investment in me, seeing as I'm her daughter, obviously.  My ninja dad is struggling with that and it's driving me crazy. He's been "trying to do what's best for me and keep his distance" but I can tell in the way he talks that he's not-so-silently hurting and so he wants me to be like "no, I need your help" so he can swoop in and save me but I'm tired of being saved. Or more, I'm tired of him expecting me to ask him to save me. It's not his job. Like, yesterday I was trying to tell him that maybe he's too invested in me to be able to take a step back from my recovery. He was saying "I'm never giving up on you." So I said "you can't make me get better" and he said "I'll repeat - I'm never giving up on you." So I just said it again. "You cannot make me get better." He didn't like that very much. Said he was worried that I was on a downward spiral. I was perfectly fine, I wasn't debating whether or not I was going to get better, it was just the "You can't make me" part that I was trying to emphasize. I don't think he picked up on it as well as I was hoping he would. I thought I was being pretty clear about it though. We'll see what else I'll have to do to get that across. Well, hopefully tonight I'll be able to get some sleep, seeing as I have to be at work way earlier than normal. Maybe I can start getting on a better schedule, finally. I need to figure out when I'm going to have my workout time. Hopefully talking to Weston about that tomorrow will help. I really hope I don't have another wet dream tonight. I had one last night, and as enjoyable as they are, it just makes it more and more obvious that I'm an odd-ball among women because in the research I did about them, it said that some women may be prone to have several a year. Several meaning what? I've had 2 in the past 2 weeks. I think I've already beat the statistics for "normal." Anyway, we'll find out come morning. However, if I were to have a dream about Damon Salvatore, I'd be pretty ok with that. Elena chose him, even after the Sire Bond was broken and she chose to not take the cure for vampirism. Yay!!! He's my favorite. Ok, I'm done.