I have a confession to make...

For the last couple months of my relationship with "Larry", I started to develop a crush on this kid that I work with. I shouldn't say kid cuz he's almost a year older than I am. This GUY, more like. Anyway, I never did anything about it. In fact, I pushed it out of my mind for those last months. The thing that sucks is that it turns out the guy had a crush on me too..
The day after I broke up with "Larry", I was at work, and one of my other friends came up and was talking to me about random stuff and we got on the subject of my relationship and I told him it was over. This guy I was talking to is basically like my little brother. He's almost 2 years younger than me and we make fun of each other all the time. But he stood by my station and listened while I told him about everything, and told me he was really sorry I was going through it and all, which was nice, but he couldn't stay long cuz otherwise our supervisor would've gotten PO'd, so he told me not to leave directly after work so we could talk about it some more. Anyway, after the shift was over, as I was about to leave, I got a call from this other guy (the one I'd been kinda crushing on secretly)asking me if I was ok, and what happened and everything. I talked to him for a few minutes on the phone, then I had to go cuz my friend was waiting for me so we could talk. It was only a few minutes, then I had to go home and take "Larry" his stuff, which was really hard to do, so I called my friend back (the one who called me), and we talked some more about everything, then he had to go cuz he was looking at tracting shoes for his mission, but the following Monday, we had a cleaning shift together at work cuz they closed down the pool for a week for maintenance so we decided to go work and get paid. Once we were done with the shift, we all went to In n' Out and got food, then, we'll call him "Nick", drove me and this other guy that rode with us back to work so I could get my car and the other guy could get his bike. We dropped off the other guy at the front of the building, then "Nick" drove me to the back parking lot where my car was. He pulled up right by my car then parked and turned his car off and asked if I wanted to talk about anything. I told him I didn't know what else to say about anything, but then we just started talking, and eventually I said I needed to go cuz I needed to work with my understudy for the play i'm in. He asked me if I wanted a hug. I said yes. So we got out of his car, and went in the shade of a little tree by my car and he gave me a long hug. After that we sat on the curb for a while and he put his arm around my shoulder and we talked some more and I was sitting with my knees curled to my chest and he was like "it's gonna be ok. you'll find somebody." and for some reason, when he said that, I got all emotional and suddenly he had wrapped his arms around me again and was holding me close to him. Basically, the gist of it was we ended up holding hands, and he told me that he's liked me for a while. I told him the same thing. The day after though, he suddenly started acting all weird, and I couldn't figure out why, but just tonight, I finally just came straight out and said "do we need to start keeping our distance so you can prepare for your mission?" and he said "yeah, yeah i'm worried." so i said "alright, i understand. you really could've told me before though." and he said "yeah, i was scared." and now it's back to he'll hardly even talk to me..
I feel really stupid.
I probably shouldn't have even told him or anything cuz he's leaving in October and he's gonna be gone for 2 years. idk..

Pure Insanity

I thought it was bad enough that exactly a week from today, I broke up with my last boyfriend. No, it could get much worse than that.
After he had been the biggest coward and not dared show his face when I had to bring his stuff to him, or to even let me call him to break if off so I didn't feel like a weenie, he decided to text me last night and ask if we could "try and be friends" cuz he feels he's ready for that now, blah blah blah. As rude as it is, I'm just thinking, "and what about ME? Are you gonna bother asking whether I'M ready for that or not? Of course not."
I didn't actually say that, but I wanted to really bad. I said plenty of stuff that let him know how mad I am about it though. You know what, I'll just put the conversation on here. It kinda makes me seem like a jerk but I don't care.
Ex: Normal
Me: Green
Ex: did you wanna talk about everything? I don't want you to be unhappy with our past.

Me: I don't wanna talk about anything.

Ex: Hmmm.. it could really help... and maybe we can actually give being friends a try

Me: No offense, but I don't think you could handle it. You even said so yourself.

Ex: In all honesty, I feel now I can, I found a great place to be in, so I know I can. It'll be different, cuz my mannerisms will change and stuff. I can do it though.

Me: I don't know if I can.

Ex: It'll be different, but having you as a friend would be better than losing you completely.

Me: So you changed your mind since we talked a week ago, when you said that if we broke up, you didn't know if you could stand to be around me at all anymore?

Ex: Believe it or not, yes'm. 2 years is kinda hard to completely remove someone who was a huge part of it.

Me: I don't know...

Ex: It's up to you ma'am. My big problem is you thinking it was all for waste.

Me: I don't know what to think.

Ex: Not even a little?

Me: Not really.

Ex: That's ok i imagine.

Me: Ok? I've been going through hell for the last 6 days.

Ex: Hmm.. tell me about it.

Me: No

Ex: Very well, you don't gotta, but I sorta know how you feel.

Me: How?

Ex: :) you forget i'm pretty emotional. People keep asking me to do things that correlate to our past.

Me: Like what?

Ex: My friend made me watch phantom of the opera, and listen to guardian angel, and we had to go to pg today for him.

Me: Sad.

Ex: Haha just a little, my friends are making sure I'm never by myself so I don't get down, it's not terribly effective, you know?

Me: Not really, no. I'm not in school anymore and most of my friends have moved away.

Ex: Hmmm... I apologize, if you need to talk, you can talk to me, even if it's all about me, I don't want you all down.

Me: I've been doing fine.

Ex: I'm very glad ma'am!

Me: Thanks for the enthusiasm.

Ex: I'm trying to show you I can be a friend...

Me: Why?

Ex: Cuz I'm a good friend...

Me: K

Ex: Haha don't believe me?

Me: I have a hard time trusting you after last week.

Ex: You gotta try and see it from my perspective.

Me: What perspective? That you forced me to decide by myself and then didn't even have the guts to face me?

Ex: It wasn't my choice to choose, I didn't know what you wanted me to tell you. I also knew the whole time when you brought it up, you made your decision. Cuz it's what happened last time. Normally I would have saw you straight up, but I don't like going somewhere when I know it was gonna be a bad outcome on my part.

Me: Exactly, so who were you thinking more of?

Ex: Well my feelings.

Me: And I rest my case.

Ex: What was your case?

Me: That you were thinking of yourself.

Ex: Alright? I don't understand when you were trying to make that your case. In some instances, I was thinking about you as well, cuz my breakups can get nasty, and I can say some mean stuff if my buttons are pushed way to hard, and I didn't want that for you. Cuz no one deserves that.

Me: That's great. Thanks for being so considerate.

Ex: Keep venting, I'd like to know what else you think about it. I wasn't ready to hear anything then, but I'm ok to hear anything. I don't want you to think you wasted your time on me.

Me: I didn't say I wasted my time on you.

Ex: I know, I just don't want you thinking that.

Me: It's debatable.

Ex: About you wasting your time?
Me: About me thinking I wasted my time.
Ex: Harsh.
Me: I know, I've become somewhat of a b**** (except I actually spelled it out) to everybody the past few days.
Ex: It's reasonable. If I could, I'd go back and make it so you never knew me, if that'd make you feel better.

Me: That's quite an offer.

Ex: Well, I've never been a fan of you sad.

Me: I'm not sad.

Ex: Unhappy then.

Me: I'm fine.

Ex: Hmmm

Me: What?

Ex: I just kinda find that harder to believe, cuz you've never been like this in all the time I've known you.

Me: Shocked?

Ex: Haha just a tid bit.

Me: K

Ex: What else were you mad at?

Me: Were?

Ex: Still are mad at?

Me: A lot of things.

Ex: Like what?

Me: Don't worry about it.

Ex: No, let me have it. Tear me down.

Me: No thanks. You're asking for it.

Ex: Cuz it needs to be done.

Me: Well you don't get it.

Ex: I'm not doing it for my benefit whatsoever, it's for yours. I mean, how many ex's has told the other ex to tear them down? not very many.

Me: He wasn't exactly my ex, but Jeremy told me the same thing.

Ex: Well you're a lucky person :) so lets hear it.

Me: No.

Ex: You will want to in time I guess.

Me: I don't think so.

Ex: How would you resolve a situation like this if you were in my place?

Me: Idk, I'm not in your place. I'm in mine.

Ex: K, how do you wanna resolve it?

Me: I don't know.

Ex: Kinda a hard question.

Me: perhaps.

Ex: Hmmm... do you still not feel we could pull friends off?

Me: I don't know.

Ex: What's your biggest concern with it all?

Me: That I'm still pissed off at you.

Ex: Sad day, but it happens. I don't know how to make you feel better about it. Other than bugging you e're day of your life :) that was a joke.

Little bit of a back-story on that. "E're" was his way of saying "every" and he knew it annoyed me. That's why he did it, cuz he thought it was funny when i would correct him.

Me: If you bugged me EVERY day of my life, I would probably ignore you.

Ex: Haha and I wouldn't blame you, cuz I do that to people as well.

Me: I know.

Ex: :)

Me: What?

Ex: I was starting to think you had decided to put my past tendencies in the back of your mine.

Me: You've been on my mind every frickin day since I broke up with you.

Ex: Well, we got that in common at least.

Me: Yep.

Ex: I really do wanna help you though.

Me: How?

Ex: Any way within my power/reason.

Me: K

Ex: And how do I go about doing that?

Me: Idk

Ex: Toughy as well

Me: Yep. I'm not gonna give you any hints either, even if I did know how you could do it.

Ex: Then don't give me a hint. Just tell me :)

Me: No.

Ex: Awh... I need some form of hint though.

Me: No you don't. I gave you 2 years of hints.

Ex: But I don't what in what context to make this happen is.

Me: Well figure it out. You have a brain, I assume. Use it.

Ex: Yet again, harsh. It's very broad. Flowers don't seem like a smart idea, neither does ice cream, nor does coming up to talk to your while you're so mad... is it leaving you alone?

Me: Not quite.

Ex: But close.

Me: Not really.

Ex: Is it an apology?

Me: You're a genius.

Ex: Even though we're both at fault?

Me: Both at fault for what?

Ex: The bein rude to one another.

Me: Hm.

Ex: Yes'm?

Me: Nothing.

Ex: Very well, didn't I apologize once before though?

Me: Pfft, no.

Ex: I coulda sworn I apoligized for being an ass, and said you didn't deserve it.

Me: Oh yes.

Ex: :)

Me: What?

Ex: I'm glad you remembered, I thought you were going to say that didn't count.

Me: Well, I still don't think you realize the magnitude of what you did to me.

Ex: That's sorta how I feel about the situation as well

Me: What do you mean?

Ex: It's complicated, and it's not worth getting into, especially this late.

Me: You have my attention, you might as well tell me now.

Ex: I would, but I really really really am about to fall asleep, it's been a long long day.

Me: K

Ex: We'll pick this up at some point tomorrow, or not, depending on how you feel.

Me: K

Ex: Which isn't looking too great haha

Me: Your texts are awful long and your spelling quite accurate for you being as tired as you say.

Ex: Haha that's cuz the back of my brain feels awake, but the front and my eye balls are on the opposite side of the board, I also have spell check :)

Me: Hm. Well g'night.

Ex: Night.

I know I sound like the biggest jerk on the planet, but this is how he works every time. He never actually admits that it may be JUST HIM that's in the wrong for anything, which in this case i will admit he was right cuz I was being a wench, but this is always how it goes. When we were together, I would always be the first one to admit that I was wrong for anything, and anytime we fought, it would always be me who said sorry first, and my reasons for being upset would just be cast away as "I was just freaking out" "I didn't need to do that" I'm frickin sick of it. I'm sick of him seeming like such a charmer. I hate it! I'm losing my mind!

Life..

Sucks.
Sometimes anyway. For one, idk what the heck is up with this new layout but I want the old one back. This one is confusing. And two, I had to make the hardest decision of my life last Friday. I broke up with the guy i've been dating for two years... Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't have to make the decision by myself. Idk, but yeah, I'd been talking to a couple of my aunts about everything that's been going on with the guy, the one i've been consistently writing about, because all summer I've felt so lost.. I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life, and they told me I should go out and meet lots of people, date lots of guys, find myself again, get back on track. That sort of thing. So I got thinking about it, and basically decided that this guy wasn't the kind of guy that I wanna be with for the rest of my life.. I won't say the reasons why because it still kinda hurts to have to admit it to myself, because I still care for him a lot. He's a great guy. He's more respectful to women than a lot of other guys i know. But the areas in which he struggled are ones that really matter to me. So I talked to him about it a lot because we'd tried making our relationship more of an "open" type before, and that didn't work at all. I never got asked on dates by any other guys cuz i was "taken." and he never asked any other girls on dates cuz he didn't want to. We tried making it that way several times and every time it was just "ok, we're gonna do this" but we'd never actually do it. So I asked him if we should break up but still go on dates and stuff and he said "idk." and i asked him if we could eventually do that and he said "idk." so I said I would like it to be a joint decision. I didn't wanna have to make the choice all by myself. but he said "you decide what you wanna do, and let me know. It's up to you." and when he says that, there's no changing his mind... After that, he had to leave because it was his first football game so I was left to myself to decide. and I made the decision. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to go to the play that I'm in right now and perform, but I faked it all night, because I had been quite literally sobbing for a long time before I left. Nobody there knew that I was upset about anything. After the show I saw that he had texted me saying "k, what'd you decide?" and I said "i need to call you" because i didn't wanna break up with him over a frickin text. that's just low and lame and retarded. I knew he wouldn't let me do it in person though so I was trying what I thought I could. He wouldn't let me call him though. He said "I can't talk right now." and I said "that's right, you're doing p90x. What about after?" and he said "after that i'm gonna do some stuff, so I won't be able to talk." and i said "what stuff?" and he said "just some stuff."I never told him this, but i'm more than positive that it was just an excuse he used to not let me call him... So, I had no other choice but to break up with him over text... He said "if you're breaking up with me, just tell me" so I said "fine. yes, I am..." and he said "that's all I needed to know. bye."He didn't even fight for me at all... I think that's one of the things that hurt the most... Although it might have made me feel worse if he had, so maybe it was a good thing. The next day, I was gonna take him his jackets and shirts and stuff that he'd let me have while we were together back to him, and get my stuff back. I asked him when he was going to be home so I could give it to him, and he said he was gonna be gone all day and that I could give it to his mom. I think it was another excuse not to see me... And that made me kinda mad because even though I was hurting, I still had the decency to take his stuff over to him myself and face seeing him. Seeing his mom was hard enough though, because she looked at me, and one of the first things she said was "how are you holding up?" and I was like "eh, i'm alright..." and she said "i'm so sorry that things didn't work out." and she started to get teary eyed which made ME teary eyed, then we were both all teary.. I really really liked his mom. She's an amazing lady, and the thought that I probably wasn't going to see her ever again, unless our paths cross coincidentally sometime through life, made me really sad. She asked if the decision was for the best, and I said it was, and we talked a little more about what happened. She said she would try to talk to him about where he needs to improve, because neither she nor I want him to end up being passively like his father... and that's kinda what I realized. Even though he isn't like him for the most part, he still has enough of his dad in him that it bothered me a lot. Maybe he'll change.. I hope he does, because he's a good guy. A very good guy. Just, not what I'm looking for or what I need. As hard as that is to admit, it's true...