Baby Steps

So, yesterday was another interesting day. I had been getting so sick of waiting for Cade to make up his mind, that yesterday I was actually considering, very seriously, breaking up with him. But it would have been just "breaking up" because he hasn't even decided whether or not he wants to be with me. That was a large contributing factor in my frustration. I had started getting impatient with his slow decision-making, partially because I realized that there was an inconsistency in his behavior: when we first talked about being a couple, he was all for it. Now suddenly he's been much more wary and cautious. I was frustrated by that because I didn't understand why he was being so inconsistent. I talked with both my mom and my grandma about it, and both of them told me that I might just be being impatient and that it's ok that we've been taking this long. That didn't make me feel any better about it though, but I had a feeling that I needed to apologize to him about putting so much pressure on him, and I needed to just wait for the time to be right. Oddly enough, I had some of these impressions as I watched Cinderella with the girls in my family yesterday. I had been debating on whether or not I wanted to go dancing with Cade later that evening, but I decided to give it a go. So, we went swing dancing, which was actually really fun! He did really well, which I was impressed by. Earlier, he had said that after we were done dancing, he'd have to drop me off at home right away so he could get to a piano recital for someone in his ward. However, when he picked me up to go dancing, he asked me if I'd want to go to the recital with him. And he said very blatantly that he wanted me to go with him. So, I ended up going to the recital with him. It was sad though, at the end of the recital, my stomach was hurting so bad, I almost wanted to curl up and die. Getting back home was a struggle, but Cade was so kind and considerate, as I had to stop a few times because the pain got so bad. When we got to my house, he and I were talking about everything that had happened that night, and apparently, he had gotten a lot of positive comments from people about "how cute I was". One of which, I could see how it had happened, because the girl whom the compliment came from had made a bee-line straight toward him at a point when he had walked away from me temporarily. At first, when I had watched the spectacle, I had a spark of jealousy, but I realized I had no reason to feel threatened. Apparently, when she had made her bee-line, the first thing she had said was "ok. That girl is so CUTE!" or something to that extent. I'm prone to think that Cade was exaggerating. Towards the end of our conversation though, I spoke my mind about how I knew I had been putting a lot of pressure on him, and that I felt bad about it, because it was unnecessary. He responded by saying that more than being overwhelmed, he was simply amazed that I wanted it so badly because he didn't feel like I should want to be with him. I sometimes feel the same way about him, like I'm unworthy for him to have chosen to want to be with me.
The best part of the night though was when he surprised me. We were just about to part ways for the night, when his voice started to stutter a little, and he said "so..um...don't feel obligated to talk to any guys at church tomorrow. Like, don't feel like you have to.." which I knew was a tiny way of him saying "I want you to be mine." And even though he hasn't said it out loud yet, this gives me hope that that day isn't far off. I had an encompassing feeling of peace, and was glad that I had listened to the feeling I had that had told me to still be patient and wait for the time to be right.

Answers in disguise

Yesterday was an interesting day for me and Cade. He came over in the early afternoon while I was cleaning my car, and we hung out for a little while. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to Stake Conference, and he said he would like to, but at the same time, he said "I want to give those other guys a chance though." And when he said that, I'm pretty sure my eyes turned into daggers. I managed to maintain my composure, but once he left, I was fuming. I went to finish cleaning my car, and I was planning how I was going to break up with him. With his constant pushing for me to date other guys, I felt as if he was pushing me away. And I was sick and tired of it. Cade had said he would call me and tell me if he could come, but I didn't believe he was actually going to call me. I figured he would flake out and tell me he got busy. However, he called me at about quarter after 5, telling me he would be there. I was pleasantly surprised. During Conference, there were a lot of things that stood out to me, particularly about making decisions, counseling together, and that God loves me. All of those things were things that related to me and Cade. I knew that I needed to sit down and talk with him about everything, but I was scared and would have rather not.
After Conference though, we went back and watched a movie at his apartment, which was really fun. I was exhausted though. When he drove me home though, we were able to have a good, long discussion about what's been going on. He ended up telling me that when he would talk about giving the "other guys a chance", it was more of him saying "are you sure you want me?" And when he said that, my anger melted away, and I was filled with empathy. I understood why he said it so much. I was able to tell him that I was sure about my decision, and that he didn't need to second-guess that. It was a really important conversation that we had, and I know it was no coincidence that it happened the way it did.
After I was inside, I was thinking about all of it, and I had a thought that perhaps Cade was experiencing so much shyness and doubt so that I could learn to talk and bring up things that are concerning to me. I've never been good at that, so maybe this is Heavenly Father's plan - to help me learn how to communicate better, because I firmly believe that once Cade is married, he'll have no trouble talking about important things. I believe that very firmly. So, who knows? Only time will tell. He did promise me though that he would make an executive decision soon, which means he may decide that he does want to be exclusive. So, we'll find out soon enough!