Be Humble

Note to self: Guys aren't perfect, and NEITHER ARE YOU!!!
This is the painful, but needed lesson I learned today. I'm still "with" Larry, and yesterday I went over to his house, and we sorta watched "how to train your dragon" but for the most part we just cuddled on the couch, a little too extensively perhaps, and it kinda bugged me, because I don't really think that God approves of that kind of behavior in kids my age. And yeah, I believe in God, get over it if you object. It's awesome.
Anyways, here's the gist of what I had to learn today. That whole thing that most girls tend to think, and that we're told so often is that if a guy doesn't treat us perfectly the first time, he's not worth our time, at least this is my thinking: it's totally unrealistic! I mean for crying out loud, this is real life, not Twilight. He's gonna say stupid stuff that's gonna hurt your feelings, and if you hurt his feelings, he's probably not gonna just be like "it's fine, don't worry, you're perfect." No, he's gonna react like any other human being, and be offended for a little while. Anyways, that's a tiny bit beside the point. So, from hanging out yesterday, to this morning, I kinda laid it on hard that I didn't wanna do that kinda stuff anymore, and I expected him to just be like "ok, you're right," not considering that he's perhaps like any other GUY and asking things like that of guys is VERY hard for them because they already have pretty low control over their hormones. If you didn't know that already, you'd better figure it out fast. Anyways, as I should've expected, he was kinda shocked by it and I could tell he wasn't very happy and I felt kinda bad but I didn't think it was because I had done anything wrong. No, not ME. Never. So then began our LOOOOONG discussion. At first, before I went to my lovely, wonderful, LDS church, I was almost expecting him to say "I've had all I can take, we need to end this." so I felt awful and sick, and at the same time I felt awful for the day before because I felt I had disappointed God again, which I feel like constantly. When I got to church, I was surprised to find that, in testimony meeting, most of what people bore their testimonies about was that God loves us no matter what and that praying can help us in our trials and such. And also, the Sacrament hymn we sang today made me bawl because it had the same message, that even if you mess up, He forgives you no matter what if you'll just come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit. In this case, I definitely was. In a short while, I felt so much better, and I felt God's love for me so strongly that I started to cry. When I got out of church, 'Larry' and I continued our discussion and most of what we talked about was about how I felt terrible, then he asked me what feeling bad would get me, and I admitted that it wouldn't get me anywhere. Then, he said this, and I quote:
"So don't feel bad, I'm the only one who should feel bad. I've forced your hand and put you in this situation. All I seem to do is make you feel guilty about everything, and this happens all the time, so i am a negative influence on you. All I can do is submit in order to make you better, so that's all I will do. I'm terrified for you and I feel like I'm losing you, I don't know how to stop it, so I'll do what I can, regardless of how I may feel about it. I'm at my whits end and I feel lost, kinda just floating through life. So yeah, don't end up like me. Keep your head on straight, and it'll work for you."
That pretty much scared me to death, but I started to feel like if I just talked to him, that he'd come out of it and feel better, and I started to dig deeper inside myself. Later, I told him that maybe it'd be better if, instead of doing things how we normally do when we hang out, if we like, read scriptures or something "uplifting" and his response was
"_________, you're very beyond me... I read my scriptures 2x a day, both the BoM and the Old Testament, I pray before and after and I'm trying to do what I can, but you want more of yourself and me... and now I feel like I'm not even remotely what you need in a guy, it almost feels as if you need someone much better, with everything... Because I can only give so much before I lose everything I am and I'm reaching that point faster than I thought I ever could. Quite frankly, I'm just not good enough for you, and I'm being 110 percent serious on that."
My response to that was :
"No, I'm expecting too much of you, and not appreciating what you are. I'm sorry... That's my other big folly, I'm quite judgmental myself.. You're trying so hard to be what I want you to be but it's still never quite enough because there are things in my life that I really need to fix, but I've been so proud and selfish that it's been nothing but hindering to my progress and ability to see things clearly."
And that was completely true. I've been putting myself before others, which i KNOW i shouldn't, because I have a dear friend at school who I haven't been getting along with greatly, and I can tell it's really starting to effect me. Because I've been looking at her as a stuck-up, controlling person, i'm starting to see everyone ELSE that way too... not a good thing. But he was very sweet in his response. Just to catch you up on the latest little tidbits, he's given me a nickname, and it's Teddy.
"Teddy, I love you, and I want to be everything for you. You are my beautiful angel and have helped me through so much, but give me time to achieve what you want, and I mean real time, not hours or days or weeks, but quite possibly years. It's very very very hard for me..."
If that's not the deepest sentiment of dedication, then I dunno what is... What kind of normal guy ADMITS to having flaws, and then tries his hardest to do better? not a lot of them do that. I think I've got it pretty good. So then, we kept talking like that, and I admitted what exactly it was I felt I needed to work on to get myself on the right track in every aspect of my life, and he admitted some of his personal follies. Then he said he needed to go to bed because he'd already taken his sleeping pills and they were kicking in pretty good. so I said good night and gave a big long, gushy statement about how I was gonna try to do better at everything I said I would, then came HIS sentiment.
"Teddy, I feel better just to let you know, I feel I've kept that on me just for a bit longer than I should have and now it's out and I guess you can say I feel at peace, but I want you to know that no matter the struggles we have, you'll always always always be the number one person in my life on this earth, and I'm always willing to do what I can in order to make you better, I love you, Teddy, you truely are the girl that can hold my heart and know what to do with it, and you do have my trust just to let you know. I believe in you. Go to sleep soon and wake up rested. goodnight love, have the sweetest of dreams."

Let me just add that I think this is the most he's EVER spoken at one time. So I added in a last little comment about it before I officially said good night :)

Now let me add in a few last little details. What I really learned was that, yes, I am a VERY impatient person. I expect results NOW, and I know I need to quit that, because a lot of the time, that's not how it works. It's probably because III work that way, so I just kinda figure that everyone else does too. The more I think about it and really accept my own shortcomings, the more I realize I sound like the people that III get so frustrated at, and look at ME! I'm doing the same thing! just in a different way. So there's that. I need to really try to better myself before I go judging people, cuz that's not my place. and now I can think of a few people that I need to apologize to for being insensitive or a jerk to. But, I'm not gonna let it totally get me down. I'm gonna deal with it the way it is. I feel this will be sort of a turning point in my relationship with 'Larry' but in a good way, because we're both aiming on making ourselves much better people, and more valiant children of God. The end.