I am so lonely...

Alright, so, the last couple days have been either traumatic, depressing, or rather sweet and bonding.

I'll elucidate, if that's even how you spell it.

Ok, so Monday, I saw my bestie that I've been friends with for forever and a half, and we went to see her li'l sister's play at their highschool, which was not the same as MY highschool, so she was the only person I knew there.  After the show was over, she went running about saying hi to all her old highschool buddies, basically leaving me behind to sit and wait till she decided to pay attention to me again.

It got me thinking though, about something I didn't really want to think about very much.

What if she didn't view our friendship as importantly as I do?

I didn't really think anything of it, and chose to put it out of my mind until I got home, but once I was home, I became unmotivated to even get off the couch, and I felt really heavy inside.  

The more I longed for her attention, the more I realized that not only that, but I longed to be loved and cared about much as in terms of romance.

I wanted somebody to hold me.  To tell me I mattered to them more than anything else.

This feeling festered in my gut so much that I felt sick, and even while my brother sat at the computer and my dad walked to and fro, I sat curled into the corner of the sofa, shedding a few tears.

I was talking to a friend of mine at the time, and he said "Why don't you go pray about it?"

He's not exactly the "praying" type, but I tell him that every time he's confused or upset about something. I don't know if he listens, but it's worth a shot.

So, I practiced what I preach and went to my room and knelt at my bedside, although, I didn't have the strength to hold myself up and I crumpled against the side of my bed, tears pouring down my face as I mentally cried out every agony I was feeling.  After only a moment, I had this thought cross through my head.

It's a little awkward, but who cares.

I had a feeling like I should go take a shower.  So, I listened, and brought my towels into the bathroom.

Once I'd turned the shower on, and the hot water was spraying all over me, my composure crumpled again, and I leaned against the wall, my drenched hair dripping water.  

Strategically, I aimed the showerhead right at the bottom of the bathtub, and sat with my knees curled to my chest under the downpour. I sat there for over half an hour.

One thing I've discovered that I rather dislike, is that when I happen to have a sob-fit this bad, I end up whimpering like a dog.  I'm a rather silent crier most of the time, but I actually listened to myself as I sat on the floor, and no joke, tiny little whimpers were coming out of my throat.

Anyway, that was Monday.  

Yesterday, I had to work for a really long time, and when I got home, my other friend, who has been previously mentioned, Nathan, asked if he could come see me, and I said "no, I'll come see you in a little bit" because I had to re-condition my hair, as it was filled with chlorine.  Once I'd straightened my hair, I told my parents I was leaving, although, honestly, I didn't exactly tell them where I was going...

They don't really like him that much...

So, anyway, I got to his house, and we talked for a while, and he showed me this amazing song he wrote on the piano, then we went downstairs and watched this movie called "Cutback". I won't bother going into detail about the plot, but partway through the movie, the main character's best friend is killed in a car accident, and the next little bit of the movie is showing how alone the main character is.

That made me fidget in my seat because that was exactly how I was feeling.  

After the movie was over, my friend turned to me and asked what was wrong, because I was being really quiet, and I lied and said I was fine.  That didn't work.  He persisted and persisted until I was sitting about a foot away from him, which was quite a difference, and my breathing was beginning to become shallow.

I wouldn't answer most of his questions, but little by little, he tore down the barricade that's been guarding my heart for the past 3 months.

One of the biggest things I'd been scared of was letting another guy touch me, or put his arms around me, even though I so desperately wanted somebody to hold me.  It hadn't mattered, because I wasn't going to give up and let down my defenses.  

But.

After one of his questions, it had aggravated my emotions to the point where I was gasping for air to keep from crying, and he put his arm around my shoulders.

It felt as though I'd just been struck by lightning, because it had been so long since anyone had touched me like that. Like, all of my nerves were physically shocked at his touch.

He tried to talk to me, but I sat stiff, unmoving, and unyielding to his provocations to let him into my heart.

But.

Again, he's talented with words.  He knew exactly what to say that would make me break, and he said it.  He tried to pull me closer to him, but I flinched away.  I talked to him a little bit about everything I'd been feeling the day before, and suddenly had an urge to have his arms around me.  Because he was a person, he was a guy (obviously), and he was my friend.

"Can I ask you something?"  I asked in a whisper through my tears.

"Anything. Go for it."  He said quietly, and we sat in silence as I tried to get up the guts to ask him if he would hold me.  It was probably close to five minutes that we sat there before I finally asked.

"Will you hold me...?"

Wordlessly, his arms enclosed around me and I melted into him.  I wasn't crying tears anymore, but I was still hyperventilating, but he held me tight against him.  

His heartbeat was right against my ear, and I could hear it literally pounding, but, clenching one of my fists, my own heartbeat was faster..

Not because of any romantic feelings between us, no way. But, I think we were both nervous because we didn't exactly trust each other. 

He held me for a loooong time, and when it was time for me to go, he walked me out to my car, giving me a long hug before letting me go, but then, for some reason, he asked me if I'd let him do something, and he kissed my forehead.

I asked him why he did that, and he said he'd wanted to all night.  

Let's hope the "no romance" thing remains a mutual agreement.