So, a couple days ago, Ty asked me if I would come talk to him sometime, so I said that I would talk to him today. Better to have it over with sooner, right?
So I met him at a park we always used to go to as a couple and we took a really long walk around the whole place. All the while, he was trying to get me to talk about why I've been feeling the way I have, but it wasn't really getting anywhere, partially because it was frigid, and I just didn't know what to tell him.
So then he asked if I wanted to sit in his car and talk there, which made me kinda nervous, but I said "ok". We drove over to this pond he goes to (quite often apparently) and we kept talking.
He asked what parts of his "new personality" I didn't like, and I said that he's been acting kinda like a player, because there was this new girl that he'd always talk about, but when he first met her, he said that he'd decided to "put himself back out there" and look for another girlfriend, but he said it "wasn't hard to find somebody", and something I'd said to him about that before was "You treat finding a girlfriend like shopping for a new pair of shoes."
There were several other points I had complaints about. The biggest one being that I felt he really didn't give a crap about how I felt.
He asked me to expound on that point and I talked about how he basically just dropped me like a rock, and he said he hadn't intended on doing that, but he got really mad and acted on it, and that's what happened.
So then he asked me how he could help me feel better, and I said "I don't know, because part of me doesn't want to feel better." and he actually looked legitimately concerned and asked why in the world I wouldn't want to feel happy, and I said that wasn't what I meant. I want to feel happy, but there were some things my subconscious was wanting that I wouldn't let it have because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I wouldn't tell him exactly what I meant, but he assumed I meant having another relationship. That wasn't it though, and as I thought about it, I got a little teary-eyed..
He knew I still had some pent up feelings of anger, and he said he wanted me to just let it all out.
"If I were to let out all my pent up feelings, I'd probably punch you." I'd responded.
"Go ahead." He challenged, and I declined, because I can't find it in myself to punch people.. but he asked me if I still felt hatred for him. I said no. Then he asked me if I felt malice, or a whole bunch of other 'M' words which expressed hatred or anger. I said I didn't feel any of them, but the word I was thinking did start with 'M', so then he wouldn't leave the subject alone, because he couldn't come up with any other 'M' words.
I couldn't make myself say it, and he asked why, and I said "Because I'd have to admit it to myself too." More tears started welling up in my eyes, and still, he waited to hear what it was.
"I miss you..." I said quietly.
He didn't respond for several seconds, but afterward, he replied just as quietly: "I understand." Then he kept talking about how that was why he was trying to fix things. All the while, I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face.
I'd only made eye contact with him maybe twice through this whole conversation, but suddenly I felt his hand on my shoulder and couldn't control the way my body reacted. I jumped and cringed away, leaning into the door, the once small tears turning into sobs, and he said "It's ok.." and moved his hand to just below my neck on my back. Eventually, I kind of melted away from the door and leaned down, but not completely in half. He kept his hand on my back, but nothing more than that, until I had completely regained my composure, then he took his hand away.
He drove me back to where we had parked, and he asked me where I thought we were in terms of "friends", and if he'd helped me feel any better, and I said I did feel a bit better, and in terms of being friends, I felt like we're "getting there."
He opened my door for me when I got out of his car, and before he got back in his own car, I asked him if I could have a hug, which he willingly gave me, then we both got in our cars and went our separate ways.
<3 you Grace
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