So....last week was Sadies. In a way it could've been an absolute FAILURE, but i'm trying to see it in a positive way. Basically, this was the first time that "larry" was gonna meet my friends, and he was a little too quiet, even for him and his shyness. But anyways, the best part of the story was after the day date, and continuing on after that. I was so nervous about introducing him to my friends that I was totally out of it for most of the day, that when i was driving him home from the day date, I ran a stop sign...
After that, he kept accusing me of trying to kill him. TEASING, of course, but still, i was in no mood to put up with it. After the dance, he and I went back to his house to get him the pain meds he needed for his head because of his blasted concussion, and i was having a minor allergic reaction to my friend's dog and he decided it'd be a wise decision to give me some benedryl.
(Note: I've never had to take Benedryl before, so I have no idea what it does or anything. I don't take pills for pretty much anything.)
When he gave me the pills, he said "i don't wanna give you too many cuz I don't wanna totally drug you" and I didn't interpret it the way he meant it, which was "I don't wanna completely knock you out, but these will make you drowsy"
Anyways, so we drove back up to where we were supposed to meet my friends, but we didn't see any of them up there, so we went to my house for a minute, then i had to drive him home, and as we sat in my car, i was getting SUUUUPER tired and kept almost falling asleep.
"What's wrong with me?" I half asked myself, and half asked him.
"It's the Benedryl. It makes you drowsy."
Dramatic silence.
Me: "......what?"
"I told you that. I said I didn't wanna give you too many and totally drug you."
"Well I didn't know you meant it THAT way! You drugged me!"
"I did not!"
"did too!"
"Well you tried to kill me!"
(Note: we were completely joking and teasing this whole time, because I had run the stop sign, and he had given me unknown drugs(for me anyways))
"That was on total accident! You drugged me!"
"When you put it that way, it sounds so much worse..."
"Exactly, so stop saying I tried to kill you cuz i DIDN'T, or i'll tell everyone that you drugged me"
haha lets just say I won that arguement.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Be Humble
Note to self: Guys aren't perfect, and NEITHER ARE YOU!!!
This is the painful, but needed lesson I learned today. I'm still "with" Larry, and yesterday I went over to his house, and we sorta watched "how to train your dragon" but for the most part we just cuddled on the couch, a little too extensively perhaps, and it kinda bugged me, because I don't really think that God approves of that kind of behavior in kids my age. And yeah, I believe in God, get over it if you object. It's awesome.
Anyways, here's the gist of what I had to learn today. That whole thing that most girls tend to think, and that we're told so often is that if a guy doesn't treat us perfectly the first time, he's not worth our time, at least this is my thinking: it's totally unrealistic! I mean for crying out loud, this is real life, not Twilight. He's gonna say stupid stuff that's gonna hurt your feelings, and if you hurt his feelings, he's probably not gonna just be like "it's fine, don't worry, you're perfect." No, he's gonna react like any other human being, and be offended for a little while. Anyways, that's a tiny bit beside the point. So, from hanging out yesterday, to this morning, I kinda laid it on hard that I didn't wanna do that kinda stuff anymore, and I expected him to just be like "ok, you're right," not considering that he's perhaps like any other GUY and asking things like that of guys is VERY hard for them because they already have pretty low control over their hormones. If you didn't know that already, you'd better figure it out fast. Anyways, as I should've expected, he was kinda shocked by it and I could tell he wasn't very happy and I felt kinda bad but I didn't think it was because I had done anything wrong. No, not ME. Never. So then began our LOOOOONG discussion. At first, before I went to my lovely, wonderful, LDS church, I was almost expecting him to say "I've had all I can take, we need to end this." so I felt awful and sick, and at the same time I felt awful for the day before because I felt I had disappointed God again, which I feel like constantly. When I got to church, I was surprised to find that, in testimony meeting, most of what people bore their testimonies about was that God loves us no matter what and that praying can help us in our trials and such. And also, the Sacrament hymn we sang today made me bawl because it had the same message, that even if you mess up, He forgives you no matter what if you'll just come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit. In this case, I definitely was. In a short while, I felt so much better, and I felt God's love for me so strongly that I started to cry. When I got out of church, 'Larry' and I continued our discussion and most of what we talked about was about how I felt terrible, then he asked me what feeling bad would get me, and I admitted that it wouldn't get me anywhere. Then, he said this, and I quote:
"So don't feel bad, I'm the only one who should feel bad. I've forced your hand and put you in this situation. All I seem to do is make you feel guilty about everything, and this happens all the time, so i am a negative influence on you. All I can do is submit in order to make you better, so that's all I will do. I'm terrified for you and I feel like I'm losing you, I don't know how to stop it, so I'll do what I can, regardless of how I may feel about it. I'm at my whits end and I feel lost, kinda just floating through life. So yeah, don't end up like me. Keep your head on straight, and it'll work for you."
That pretty much scared me to death, but I started to feel like if I just talked to him, that he'd come out of it and feel better, and I started to dig deeper inside myself. Later, I told him that maybe it'd be better if, instead of doing things how we normally do when we hang out, if we like, read scriptures or something "uplifting" and his response was
"_________, you're very beyond me... I read my scriptures 2x a day, both the BoM and the Old Testament, I pray before and after and I'm trying to do what I can, but you want more of yourself and me... and now I feel like I'm not even remotely what you need in a guy, it almost feels as if you need someone much better, with everything... Because I can only give so much before I lose everything I am and I'm reaching that point faster than I thought I ever could. Quite frankly, I'm just not good enough for you, and I'm being 110 percent serious on that."
My response to that was :
"No, I'm expecting too much of you, and not appreciating what you are. I'm sorry... That's my other big folly, I'm quite judgmental myself.. You're trying so hard to be what I want you to be but it's still never quite enough because there are things in my life that I really need to fix, but I've been so proud and selfish that it's been nothing but hindering to my progress and ability to see things clearly."
And that was completely true. I've been putting myself before others, which i KNOW i shouldn't, because I have a dear friend at school who I haven't been getting along with greatly, and I can tell it's really starting to effect me. Because I've been looking at her as a stuck-up, controlling person, i'm starting to see everyone ELSE that way too... not a good thing. But he was very sweet in his response. Just to catch you up on the latest little tidbits, he's given me a nickname, and it's Teddy.
"Teddy, I love you, and I want to be everything for you. You are my beautiful angel and have helped me through so much, but give me time to achieve what you want, and I mean real time, not hours or days or weeks, but quite possibly years. It's very very very hard for me..."
If that's not the deepest sentiment of dedication, then I dunno what is... What kind of normal guy ADMITS to having flaws, and then tries his hardest to do better? not a lot of them do that. I think I've got it pretty good. So then, we kept talking like that, and I admitted what exactly it was I felt I needed to work on to get myself on the right track in every aspect of my life, and he admitted some of his personal follies. Then he said he needed to go to bed because he'd already taken his sleeping pills and they were kicking in pretty good. so I said good night and gave a big long, gushy statement about how I was gonna try to do better at everything I said I would, then came HIS sentiment.
"Teddy, I feel better just to let you know, I feel I've kept that on me just for a bit longer than I should have and now it's out and I guess you can say I feel at peace, but I want you to know that no matter the struggles we have, you'll always always always be the number one person in my life on this earth, and I'm always willing to do what I can in order to make you better, I love you, Teddy, you truely are the girl that can hold my heart and know what to do with it, and you do have my trust just to let you know. I believe in you. Go to sleep soon and wake up rested. goodnight love, have the sweetest of dreams."
Let me just add that I think this is the most he's EVER spoken at one time. So I added in a last little comment about it before I officially said good night :)
Now let me add in a few last little details. What I really learned was that, yes, I am a VERY impatient person. I expect results NOW, and I know I need to quit that, because a lot of the time, that's not how it works. It's probably because III work that way, so I just kinda figure that everyone else does too. The more I think about it and really accept my own shortcomings, the more I realize I sound like the people that III get so frustrated at, and look at ME! I'm doing the same thing! just in a different way. So there's that. I need to really try to better myself before I go judging people, cuz that's not my place. and now I can think of a few people that I need to apologize to for being insensitive or a jerk to. But, I'm not gonna let it totally get me down. I'm gonna deal with it the way it is. I feel this will be sort of a turning point in my relationship with 'Larry' but in a good way, because we're both aiming on making ourselves much better people, and more valiant children of God. The end.
This is the painful, but needed lesson I learned today. I'm still "with" Larry, and yesterday I went over to his house, and we sorta watched "how to train your dragon" but for the most part we just cuddled on the couch, a little too extensively perhaps, and it kinda bugged me, because I don't really think that God approves of that kind of behavior in kids my age. And yeah, I believe in God, get over it if you object. It's awesome.
Anyways, here's the gist of what I had to learn today. That whole thing that most girls tend to think, and that we're told so often is that if a guy doesn't treat us perfectly the first time, he's not worth our time, at least this is my thinking: it's totally unrealistic! I mean for crying out loud, this is real life, not Twilight. He's gonna say stupid stuff that's gonna hurt your feelings, and if you hurt his feelings, he's probably not gonna just be like "it's fine, don't worry, you're perfect." No, he's gonna react like any other human being, and be offended for a little while. Anyways, that's a tiny bit beside the point. So, from hanging out yesterday, to this morning, I kinda laid it on hard that I didn't wanna do that kinda stuff anymore, and I expected him to just be like "ok, you're right," not considering that he's perhaps like any other GUY and asking things like that of guys is VERY hard for them because they already have pretty low control over their hormones. If you didn't know that already, you'd better figure it out fast. Anyways, as I should've expected, he was kinda shocked by it and I could tell he wasn't very happy and I felt kinda bad but I didn't think it was because I had done anything wrong. No, not ME. Never. So then began our LOOOOONG discussion. At first, before I went to my lovely, wonderful, LDS church, I was almost expecting him to say "I've had all I can take, we need to end this." so I felt awful and sick, and at the same time I felt awful for the day before because I felt I had disappointed God again, which I feel like constantly. When I got to church, I was surprised to find that, in testimony meeting, most of what people bore their testimonies about was that God loves us no matter what and that praying can help us in our trials and such. And also, the Sacrament hymn we sang today made me bawl because it had the same message, that even if you mess up, He forgives you no matter what if you'll just come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit. In this case, I definitely was. In a short while, I felt so much better, and I felt God's love for me so strongly that I started to cry. When I got out of church, 'Larry' and I continued our discussion and most of what we talked about was about how I felt terrible, then he asked me what feeling bad would get me, and I admitted that it wouldn't get me anywhere. Then, he said this, and I quote:
"So don't feel bad, I'm the only one who should feel bad. I've forced your hand and put you in this situation. All I seem to do is make you feel guilty about everything, and this happens all the time, so i am a negative influence on you. All I can do is submit in order to make you better, so that's all I will do. I'm terrified for you and I feel like I'm losing you, I don't know how to stop it, so I'll do what I can, regardless of how I may feel about it. I'm at my whits end and I feel lost, kinda just floating through life. So yeah, don't end up like me. Keep your head on straight, and it'll work for you."
That pretty much scared me to death, but I started to feel like if I just talked to him, that he'd come out of it and feel better, and I started to dig deeper inside myself. Later, I told him that maybe it'd be better if, instead of doing things how we normally do when we hang out, if we like, read scriptures or something "uplifting" and his response was
"_________, you're very beyond me... I read my scriptures 2x a day, both the BoM and the Old Testament, I pray before and after and I'm trying to do what I can, but you want more of yourself and me... and now I feel like I'm not even remotely what you need in a guy, it almost feels as if you need someone much better, with everything... Because I can only give so much before I lose everything I am and I'm reaching that point faster than I thought I ever could. Quite frankly, I'm just not good enough for you, and I'm being 110 percent serious on that."
My response to that was :
"No, I'm expecting too much of you, and not appreciating what you are. I'm sorry... That's my other big folly, I'm quite judgmental myself.. You're trying so hard to be what I want you to be but it's still never quite enough because there are things in my life that I really need to fix, but I've been so proud and selfish that it's been nothing but hindering to my progress and ability to see things clearly."
And that was completely true. I've been putting myself before others, which i KNOW i shouldn't, because I have a dear friend at school who I haven't been getting along with greatly, and I can tell it's really starting to effect me. Because I've been looking at her as a stuck-up, controlling person, i'm starting to see everyone ELSE that way too... not a good thing. But he was very sweet in his response. Just to catch you up on the latest little tidbits, he's given me a nickname, and it's Teddy.
"Teddy, I love you, and I want to be everything for you. You are my beautiful angel and have helped me through so much, but give me time to achieve what you want, and I mean real time, not hours or days or weeks, but quite possibly years. It's very very very hard for me..."
If that's not the deepest sentiment of dedication, then I dunno what is... What kind of normal guy ADMITS to having flaws, and then tries his hardest to do better? not a lot of them do that. I think I've got it pretty good. So then, we kept talking like that, and I admitted what exactly it was I felt I needed to work on to get myself on the right track in every aspect of my life, and he admitted some of his personal follies. Then he said he needed to go to bed because he'd already taken his sleeping pills and they were kicking in pretty good. so I said good night and gave a big long, gushy statement about how I was gonna try to do better at everything I said I would, then came HIS sentiment.
"Teddy, I feel better just to let you know, I feel I've kept that on me just for a bit longer than I should have and now it's out and I guess you can say I feel at peace, but I want you to know that no matter the struggles we have, you'll always always always be the number one person in my life on this earth, and I'm always willing to do what I can in order to make you better, I love you, Teddy, you truely are the girl that can hold my heart and know what to do with it, and you do have my trust just to let you know. I believe in you. Go to sleep soon and wake up rested. goodnight love, have the sweetest of dreams."
Let me just add that I think this is the most he's EVER spoken at one time. So I added in a last little comment about it before I officially said good night :)
Now let me add in a few last little details. What I really learned was that, yes, I am a VERY impatient person. I expect results NOW, and I know I need to quit that, because a lot of the time, that's not how it works. It's probably because III work that way, so I just kinda figure that everyone else does too. The more I think about it and really accept my own shortcomings, the more I realize I sound like the people that III get so frustrated at, and look at ME! I'm doing the same thing! just in a different way. So there's that. I need to really try to better myself before I go judging people, cuz that's not my place. and now I can think of a few people that I need to apologize to for being insensitive or a jerk to. But, I'm not gonna let it totally get me down. I'm gonna deal with it the way it is. I feel this will be sort of a turning point in my relationship with 'Larry' but in a good way, because we're both aiming on making ourselves much better people, and more valiant children of God. The end.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Got Stress?
It's been quite a while since I last wrote. I'm still with "larry" and something happened last week that is just killin me. Nothin to make me wanna leave, or him wanna leave, it's just hard. He got a concussion during his football game while I was in Cedar City for the annual Shakespearean festival. I was in my hotel room with my roommates when I got the text from his sister. The front of my phone showed the beginning the message and what it showed said "Hey, ____ got hit..." soooo......i pretty much went catatonic, thinking she meant that he'd been hit by a CAR. I freaked out and i couldn't get enough breath in my lungs and I was pretty much glued to my phone, waiting to hear what was going on since i had NO communication with them otherwise, being three freaking hours away. From what I heard, they had rushed him to the ER and had a CAT scan done to see if there was any lasting damage done. At about 12:30, I dozed off and had to endure a full day of him being completely out of his mind, with nothing that I could do about it, which drove me completely insane. if I could've had my way, I'd've been up at his house, taking care of him all day. The entire day, I could tell I was becoming physically, emotionally, and mentally sick. I felt queasy, no matter what I put in my stomach, I couldn't balance (I have no idea why that happens, but when I get very stressed out, my equilibrium gets whacked) and I felt faint. When we finally got home at about 1 in the morning on Sunday, I went straight to bed, falling asleep immediately, and when I woke up, I texted him, asking if he knew where I was the day before, and he couldn't remember, so I told him I'd been in Cedar, then I asked him if he remembered when I left, and he couldn't remember that either... I freaked again. I wanted to go and see him but I had church, and it was Sunday...I didn't know if my mom would even let me go. I decided to ask anyway. To my surprise, she let me go, and I went over as soon as dinner was over. I had been having spells of crying all afternoon, to my great embarrassment, but my mom was very calm and told me something of great value. at least to me anyway. she said that she actually believes that I love him, and don't just like him. Took her long enough haha. I've been telling him that I love him for a year..
Anyways, I went over to his house and the sight that met my eyes will be a scar for life. He was lying on his bed, under the quilt his grandma had made him for Christmas the year before, and his expression was completely blank. Something I had never seen before. It was as though he was in there, the real him, but it was lost somewhere in the deep caverns of his mind and didn't know how to find it's way back to the surface. He blinked when I came into the room but never said a word. His earbuds were in his ears and I heard the low hum of the jazzy tunes he was listening to. I sat on the edge of his bed and took his hand in mine. Still, he didn't say anything, but just sat there and stared at me for a while. I couldn't stand to look at his face, and turned away for a moment, tears seeping from my eyes again. I started to wipe them away when he noticed and asked me why I was crying. I told him that I was just scared. Scared of losing the connection to the one I loved so dearly to the injury caused by a cheap shot by an offensive center during a football game... I didn't tell him THAT part though... He said simply that nobody else had cried so he didn't understand why I was. Of course, I took slight offense and embarrassment to the comment, but nodded and said nothing. He was pretty off his rocker, so I pardoned the insensitivity. But it sparked a new fear in me. He had always been so sensitive and helpful about my emotional insecurity, I was now afraid of losing that side of him and having to fight out my battles completely by myself without having a best friend who didn't care if I smudged black all over the shoulder seam of his shirt.
For the next couple hours, I read to him from "Tennis Shoes Among The Nephites", a book I'd been bugging him to read for a really long time, but he'd never gotten around to it. It was my favorite series, so I wanted him to know why it was my favorite. Seeing this as a grand opportunity, I read the first 3 chapters to him. The first two chapters, when I had asked if he would like me to go on, received a simple shrug, and a "i dunno" but when I asked if he'd like me to read the 3rd chapter, he actually said "yeah." which was progress. After reading, I talked to him for a while, and asked if he remembered certain things from the day, like, if he remembered me telling him I loved him a couple hours before. He said that he did. Again, progress, but I still felt like he was lost somewhere in his head. I came home around 10, and went to bed a little while later, waking up late for school (today) and lazily dragging myself out of bed. I still couldn't balance, and I felt faint and light-headed. Throughout the schoolday, friends asked me over and over again why I looked so pale and stoic, but I never really answered. However, at lunch, one of my graduate friends came to visit and I had already been talking over my problem with a couple very persuasive friends in the student center. She came and asked me to tell her what was going on, and when I got to the middle of my explanation, of when I went to his house, tears erupted out my eyes and I curled my knees to my chest for a minute and bawled. I usually try to not make noise when I cry, but this time, I didn't give a rat's rump about it. Ending the school day was a relief, and I went home, feeling drained and fatigued of sleep and energy. I was determined to not go to sleep though. I wanted to go and see him again, and read some more. To my gladness, he remembered that I had been there the day before, AND that i had read to him, and he even remembered what I had read.
When I went over today, he was actually up and moving around, and using more words and phrases other than "no" "i dunno" and "my head hurts" which relieved me greatly. I read him another chapter from Tennis Shoes but I had to go home at 7 so it was cut short... I intend on going to see him every day until he's better. or at least, I'm hoping to. That's that story. I'm gonna try really hard to keep up to date with this thing. No promises though, cuz I really don't spend that much time on the computer.
Anyways, I went over to his house and the sight that met my eyes will be a scar for life. He was lying on his bed, under the quilt his grandma had made him for Christmas the year before, and his expression was completely blank. Something I had never seen before. It was as though he was in there, the real him, but it was lost somewhere in the deep caverns of his mind and didn't know how to find it's way back to the surface. He blinked when I came into the room but never said a word. His earbuds were in his ears and I heard the low hum of the jazzy tunes he was listening to. I sat on the edge of his bed and took his hand in mine. Still, he didn't say anything, but just sat there and stared at me for a while. I couldn't stand to look at his face, and turned away for a moment, tears seeping from my eyes again. I started to wipe them away when he noticed and asked me why I was crying. I told him that I was just scared. Scared of losing the connection to the one I loved so dearly to the injury caused by a cheap shot by an offensive center during a football game... I didn't tell him THAT part though... He said simply that nobody else had cried so he didn't understand why I was. Of course, I took slight offense and embarrassment to the comment, but nodded and said nothing. He was pretty off his rocker, so I pardoned the insensitivity. But it sparked a new fear in me. He had always been so sensitive and helpful about my emotional insecurity, I was now afraid of losing that side of him and having to fight out my battles completely by myself without having a best friend who didn't care if I smudged black all over the shoulder seam of his shirt.
For the next couple hours, I read to him from "Tennis Shoes Among The Nephites", a book I'd been bugging him to read for a really long time, but he'd never gotten around to it. It was my favorite series, so I wanted him to know why it was my favorite. Seeing this as a grand opportunity, I read the first 3 chapters to him. The first two chapters, when I had asked if he would like me to go on, received a simple shrug, and a "i dunno" but when I asked if he'd like me to read the 3rd chapter, he actually said "yeah." which was progress. After reading, I talked to him for a while, and asked if he remembered certain things from the day, like, if he remembered me telling him I loved him a couple hours before. He said that he did. Again, progress, but I still felt like he was lost somewhere in his head. I came home around 10, and went to bed a little while later, waking up late for school (today) and lazily dragging myself out of bed. I still couldn't balance, and I felt faint and light-headed. Throughout the schoolday, friends asked me over and over again why I looked so pale and stoic, but I never really answered. However, at lunch, one of my graduate friends came to visit and I had already been talking over my problem with a couple very persuasive friends in the student center. She came and asked me to tell her what was going on, and when I got to the middle of my explanation, of when I went to his house, tears erupted out my eyes and I curled my knees to my chest for a minute and bawled. I usually try to not make noise when I cry, but this time, I didn't give a rat's rump about it. Ending the school day was a relief, and I went home, feeling drained and fatigued of sleep and energy. I was determined to not go to sleep though. I wanted to go and see him again, and read some more. To my gladness, he remembered that I had been there the day before, AND that i had read to him, and he even remembered what I had read.
When I went over today, he was actually up and moving around, and using more words and phrases other than "no" "i dunno" and "my head hurts" which relieved me greatly. I read him another chapter from Tennis Shoes but I had to go home at 7 so it was cut short... I intend on going to see him every day until he's better. or at least, I'm hoping to. That's that story. I'm gonna try really hard to keep up to date with this thing. No promises though, cuz I really don't spend that much time on the computer.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wow...
I never realized that going without a phone for more than a couple weeks could be so "refreshing" and yet so tantalizing at the same time...I'm pretty much dying without getting to talk to "Larry." He and I have talked every day for at least an hour for more than a year. In short, this is very different, and it SUCKS very much... Doesn't help that my parents are getting paranoid about me and him so they're limiting how often I can see him, which also SUCKS...
In short...it just sucks.
In short...it just sucks.
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