Life..

Sucks.
Sometimes anyway. For one, idk what the heck is up with this new layout but I want the old one back. This one is confusing. And two, I had to make the hardest decision of my life last Friday. I broke up with the guy i've been dating for two years... Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't have to make the decision by myself. Idk, but yeah, I'd been talking to a couple of my aunts about everything that's been going on with the guy, the one i've been consistently writing about, because all summer I've felt so lost.. I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life, and they told me I should go out and meet lots of people, date lots of guys, find myself again, get back on track. That sort of thing. So I got thinking about it, and basically decided that this guy wasn't the kind of guy that I wanna be with for the rest of my life.. I won't say the reasons why because it still kinda hurts to have to admit it to myself, because I still care for him a lot. He's a great guy. He's more respectful to women than a lot of other guys i know. But the areas in which he struggled are ones that really matter to me. So I talked to him about it a lot because we'd tried making our relationship more of an "open" type before, and that didn't work at all. I never got asked on dates by any other guys cuz i was "taken." and he never asked any other girls on dates cuz he didn't want to. We tried making it that way several times and every time it was just "ok, we're gonna do this" but we'd never actually do it. So I asked him if we should break up but still go on dates and stuff and he said "idk." and i asked him if we could eventually do that and he said "idk." so I said I would like it to be a joint decision. I didn't wanna have to make the choice all by myself. but he said "you decide what you wanna do, and let me know. It's up to you." and when he says that, there's no changing his mind... After that, he had to leave because it was his first football game so I was left to myself to decide. and I made the decision. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to go to the play that I'm in right now and perform, but I faked it all night, because I had been quite literally sobbing for a long time before I left. Nobody there knew that I was upset about anything. After the show I saw that he had texted me saying "k, what'd you decide?" and I said "i need to call you" because i didn't wanna break up with him over a frickin text. that's just low and lame and retarded. I knew he wouldn't let me do it in person though so I was trying what I thought I could. He wouldn't let me call him though. He said "I can't talk right now." and I said "that's right, you're doing p90x. What about after?" and he said "after that i'm gonna do some stuff, so I won't be able to talk." and i said "what stuff?" and he said "just some stuff."I never told him this, but i'm more than positive that it was just an excuse he used to not let me call him... So, I had no other choice but to break up with him over text... He said "if you're breaking up with me, just tell me" so I said "fine. yes, I am..." and he said "that's all I needed to know. bye."He didn't even fight for me at all... I think that's one of the things that hurt the most... Although it might have made me feel worse if he had, so maybe it was a good thing. The next day, I was gonna take him his jackets and shirts and stuff that he'd let me have while we were together back to him, and get my stuff back. I asked him when he was going to be home so I could give it to him, and he said he was gonna be gone all day and that I could give it to his mom. I think it was another excuse not to see me... And that made me kinda mad because even though I was hurting, I still had the decency to take his stuff over to him myself and face seeing him. Seeing his mom was hard enough though, because she looked at me, and one of the first things she said was "how are you holding up?" and I was like "eh, i'm alright..." and she said "i'm so sorry that things didn't work out." and she started to get teary eyed which made ME teary eyed, then we were both all teary.. I really really liked his mom. She's an amazing lady, and the thought that I probably wasn't going to see her ever again, unless our paths cross coincidentally sometime through life, made me really sad. She asked if the decision was for the best, and I said it was, and we talked a little more about what happened. She said she would try to talk to him about where he needs to improve, because neither she nor I want him to end up being passively like his father... and that's kinda what I realized. Even though he isn't like him for the most part, he still has enough of his dad in him that it bothered me a lot. Maybe he'll change.. I hope he does, because he's a good guy. A very good guy. Just, not what I'm looking for or what I need. As hard as that is to admit, it's true...

Anesthesia

Well, yesterday was one heck of a day. I was scheduled to have my wisdom teeth removed at 9:45 in the morning, and "Larry" was gonna come with me cuz i was really freaked out. The morning of, he called me and said that we had run into a snag cuz he had to take his sister the car so he wanted to know if i could go down there with him then come back. That was minorly problematic because my mom had just said that we needed to leave at 9:15 and it was already 9 at the time. turns out we could leave at 9:30 and be fine so we did just that. i went and got him, speeding the whole way, only by a few MPH mind you, but anyway, as soon as we got back to my house, we got in the van and headed down to the surgeon's office.
When we got there, my mom was filling out paperwork and i was feeding my baby brother some fruit snacks and Larry was sitting next to me. When they finally called my name, my heart began to race just a little bit. They took us to one of the back rooms for my consultation, where they told me basically everything that my dentist had told me. Anyway, after the consultation was all done, they told my mom and Larry to go wait in the waiting room and I'd be done in about an hour. Then they took me back to one of the operating rooms. Once inside, they had me sit in a super comfortable chair, and the nurse attacked a heart monitor on each side, under my collar bone, and on the left side of my stomach. A nasal cannula was put on me to make sure i had enough oxygen while i was out, and a blood pressure gauge thing was put on my arm to check my blood pressure every 5 minutes. Then she went out of the room to get the doctor. While I was just sitting there, i was trying to calm myself down and not get so worked up over the whole thing, but every time I'd even think about it, like "ok, i'm gonna wake up in about an hour", my heartbeat on the monitor would go from 'beep.......beep......beep" to "beep..beep..beep..beep..beep" which wasn't very fun to watch, honestly. I think it stayed at an average of about 70-74 ish... idk. When it would spike it would get up to about 90. That was when i was freaking out though.
So anyway, the doctor came back in with the nurse and I'm just staring up at the ceiling trying not to think about the fact that they were about to knock me out. I saw the nurse messing with the IV tube sticking out of my arm, and she said "should i give her all of this?" and the doctor was like "oh yeah, give her all of that." then he looked at me and was like "ok, we're giving you something that's gonna make you a little bit happier to be here. You may feel a little funny." right after he said that it felt like i had fog in my brain and i was like "whoa... that feels really weird". And that was the last thing I said and then I blacked out.
And woke up in a wheelchair about an hour later.
My mouth felt super weird. I couldn't feel anything but my top lip, inside or outside of my mouth, and i had stuff shoved back in my cheeks that made it hard to swallow. I heard the same nurse's voice asking me if I was waking up and I randomly started crying. I didn't like anything that was going on. I didn't like that I could barely lift my head, that i couldn't feel my mouth, that I didn't remember being put in a wheelchair. I was just not very happy..
"Do you know why you're crying?" the nurse asked, and although I kinda knew why, I still shook my head no. I don't know why. It was probably the drugs. "do you want anything?" another nurse asked, and when I said "Larry"'s name, it came out super muffled and it took the nurse's 3 tries to figure out what I had said.
"Go get him and her mom." One of the nurse's said, and I heard a bunch of muffled voices, then I heard the nurse that left saying "ok, she's a little weepy already, and she'll probably get worse once she hears your voices, just so you know." Then I heard my mom say hi and, like the nurse said, I got even more 'weepy.'
"I'm right here, sweetheart." 'Larry' said, taking my hand.
"How did I get in the wheelchair?" I mumbled through tears, but nobody answered. Then i remembered that I had been hooked up to all sorts of things before I woke up, and I reached for what would have been the IV in my arm. still crying, I asked "is it out?" to whoever might have been listening, and one of the nurse's said "yep, it's out."
Still being barely able to move my arm, I reached toward my collar bone for where the heart monitors should have been, and I heard the same nurse say "oh look, she's trying to find the heart monitors." then she said "it's ok, everything is off. You're all done. You did great!" But I wasn't satisfied. It still felt like I had all the tubes coming off of me. "do you wanna go home?" She asked, and I nodded weakly. "ok, let's take you out to your car." She pushed my wheelchair out a set of double doors and my car was right there. More tears spilled out my eyes because hadn't the car been farther away before? Nothing made sense. 'Larry' and the nurse helped me stand up and get in the van, and I buckled myself in after a couple tries. On the whole car ride home, I kept seeing double of things, like an old lady walking down the street. There was two of her.
We stopped at Costco to get my prescription and I asked my mom to get me 4 berry smoothies, and she and 'Larry' looked at me like i was possessed, but she got them for me, and I ate one in the car. After we'd gotten my prescription, we drove the rest of the way home, and Larry helped me into the house. I told him I wanted to watch Peter Pan because on the way home, I'd had a dream of Peter Pan selling hats, and Larry had laughed which made me cry some more. It was fun.. So I plopped down on the couch, he got me a blanket, moved the couch in front of the computer with me on it, then started Peter Pan and I fell asleep for the whole movie. He stayed with me for most of the day, but I slept for the majority of the time. In short, i don't think I like anesthesia very much.

The Missing Puzzle Piece

Well... I finally figured out what's wrong with me.. and it's not something I'm proud of. If anything, it's just made me hate myself.
I have this weird prejudice against girls who are total flirts all the time because they're just annoying and they lead people on "unintentionally" and when the person confronts them about it, they say "don't blame me, that's just the way I am." It bothers me reeeaaally bad.
Also, I have a really good friend at work. His name is "Harry". I've never even considered "liking" him, but when I see him, I'll give him a hug, cuz he's a really good friend. So... Couple weeks ago, "Harry" was gonna take one of my shifts at work, because I had a meeting with my boss and I didn't know if my shift was gonna conflict if I didn't have enough time on a break to go talk to her. When I got to work to sign the paper, he was gonna have someone else take the shift for him for me so he could go practice for his talent show audition at his school. As it turns out, he was already scheduled to work, for himself, but he and I were out talking about music in the parking lot, and EVERYBODY kept watching us. I had no idea why. So anyway, after we were told that he had to work, I stayed in the guard room until the head guard got somebody to come take his shift for him so he'd stop complaining about how the chlorine was damaging to his vocal chords, and I had my meeting with my boss, then we talked about maybe going and jamming at his house, but we decided against it because his mom was in a bad mood. so we talked for a little bit longer, then we both had to leave, and that was that.
Or so I thought...
The thing that was confusing was that just before I left, "Harry" said he misses getting wet hugs from me after I get done with swim lessons, and I asked why, because he'd always freak out, and he said "well yeah, because that's what's expected." so I was like "....whaaa?" Even moreso, before that, after an inservice one night, he asked me to come on a motorcycle ride with him around a few blocks, so I went, and after I got home that night, he texted me, saying he's always wanted to take a girl on a bike ride but I didn't really think anything of it. So, after I got home from the weird shift-taking incident and my meeting, around 8 or 9 I texted "Harry" to make sure his mom didn't kill him. (Prior to this, we had established that both of our schools have their senior lagoon day on the same day). He asked me if I considered going to Lagoon "with him" to be going on a date. I said "not really, no... do you?" and he said "well, I've always thought lagoon would be the funnest date and since both of our schools are going and we'll be going on rides together and all that..." and by now I was thinking "what the heck!?" cuz this was WEIRD for him. I had no idea why he was suddenly being all 'romantic and sweet' so I was talking to "Larry" about it, and I said "i have no idea why the heck this happens because it's sooo irritating! This always happens! Every time I get to be good friends with any guy, suddenly they start having a crush on me and I don't know why! Am I just a flirt and I don't realize it???"
His answer completely obliterated me...
"Don't be mad, but... um... yes."
Did you make the connection between my first paragraph and just now? I can't stand girls who are "flirts" and I was just told that I AM one.
That was bound to settle real well...
Since that day, I've been battling with myself and trying to not be so depressed that I wanna kill myself. It keeps getting harder and harder though... For instance, sometime last week, I was waiting for Larry to finish football, and when I was texting him, he seemed upset, so I was asking what was wrong, and he asked me how many times I had hugged "Harry".
I knew right from that question that this whole "flirt" thing wasn't over. I told him, and asked why he wanted to know, and it was because a couple of my CO-WORKERS, who happen to be on his football team were chatting it up with him about my "relationship" to "Harry" for all of practice that day.
Fantastic, huh?
What's more, his old best friend, who is a girl, who hates my guts for some reason, also has been chatting it up with him about everything I do at work. So yeah, I'm a flirt...
I had no idea...
So, now I've found the missing puzzle piece to why I keep having problems. It's all my own doing..
What do I do now? I feel awful about everything... I mean, what i do naturally is borderline CHEATING in most peoples books! Even my own! I'm crossing my own boundaries and stooping below my own standards on so many levels and I'm not even meaning to! So, for the past 2 weeks, I've been struggling to pretend like nothing is wrong, when honestly, what would be worse...? My whole world has basically been turned upside down. I mean, whose world WOULDN'T be if everything you thought you were was suddenly backfired and you realized you were just like everyone you despise??
I don't know what to do...

Oh my goodness...

Wow... I feel really really stupid.
So, last week, well, spring break, I decided to go hang out with the one guy I'd been talking to, "namely" Nathan. I think that's what I called him... But anyway, yeah, I decided to go hang out with him at the park right above my high school, and it was pretty ok. We kept trying to tickle/tackle each other, but i figured it wasn't supposed to mean anything so i fought back and tackled him and ended up with my forearm at his throat. Anyway, so, after we finished up at the park, we went to his house and watched Tangled. That also was pretty fine except, again, he kept trying to tickle me, so I started smacking his hands away, but he kept doing it, so I jabbed him in the gut with my hands stretched out and he grabbed my wrists. Again, i didn't really think anything of it, until he wouldn't let go... I ended up with swollen, bruised wrists.
The worst part of it was that I lied to "Larry" about it... I knew he'd freak out if i told him where I was going, so I just figured that, if he could go hang out with his best friend, who was a girl, then it should be fine if I go hang out with this guy. When I told him the truth, though, he said he wasn't even mad. We went on a really long walk, and I had to tell him everything that happened, which I felt awful about, because I knew he was gonna be mad... which he was. Not at me though. He was suuuuper pissed off at Nathan though. Like, ready to KILL him, because he hurt me... I was kinda peeved about it though, because it was my fault in the first place. When I'd finished telling him everything, he made me give him Nathan's phone number and he sent him a really long message saying he wasn't happy about what happened. I don't know exactly what it said... he never showed me. But, i think I can rest assured it wasn't very nice.. Anyway, after that, we were up in the top of my neighborhood, and I was walking about 5 paces behind him and after he finished sending the message, he looked back at me for the first time that whole night, and I looked down at the sidewalk. He walked up to me and put one arm around my back, pulling me into his chest, and the panicky feeling I'd had in my chest while we'd been talking suddenly started turning into tears. I tried fighting it, but I wasn't doing very good at it.. Definitely not. My breathing started getting shallow and I clenched my teeth, but when he said really gently, right in my ear, "I'm not mad at you." I lost it... He told me not to cry, and I sucked it in really fast and we walked back to my house and sat outside for a long time. When we went inside, we watched the rest of the first half of the Two Towers (I was having a personal marathon), and I was still feeling uber depressed, so he gathered me up in his arms and kissed me... :)
When we said good night over text, I told him that Nathan had texted me saying he never wanted to talk to me again and that everything was my fault and whatnot, so I felt kinda bad, and to my great surprise, the next morning, he actually got really mad at me... if we'd been in person, I'm pretty sure he would've been yelling...
Basically I felt awful all over again, and I eventually gave up trying to make myself seem as innocent as possible and was just like "whatever, it's my fault..." and after that, he felt really bad cuz he never gets mad at me for anything. He was just worried because it sounded like I cared for Nathan as more than a friend, which I didn't, and don't. But anyway, yeah... I don't really wanna go into detail about what was said because we both said things that were really hurtful... But yeah, so, Nathan's not talking to me anymore. I just hope he doesn't dive back off the deep end, but I doubt he will. The most important thing is that "Larry"'s still here. If he'd left me because of this whole thing, I probably would've killed myself or something drastic. I'm exaggerating, of course, but you get the point.