Sucks.
Sometimes anyway. For one, idk what the heck is up with this new layout but I want the old one back. This one is confusing. And two, I had to make the hardest decision of my life last Friday. I broke up with the guy i've been dating for two years... Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't have to make the decision by myself. Idk, but yeah, I'd been talking to a couple of my aunts about everything that's been going on with the guy, the one i've been consistently writing about, because all summer I've felt so lost.. I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life, and they told me I should go out and meet lots of people, date lots of guys, find myself again, get back on track. That sort of thing. So I got thinking about it, and basically decided that this guy wasn't the kind of guy that I wanna be with for the rest of my life.. I won't say the reasons why because it still kinda hurts to have to admit it to myself, because I still care for him a lot. He's a great guy. He's more respectful to women than a lot of other guys i know. But the areas in which he struggled are ones that really matter to me. So I talked to him about it a lot because we'd tried making our relationship more of an "open" type before, and that didn't work at all. I never got asked on dates by any other guys cuz i was "taken." and he never asked any other girls on dates cuz he didn't want to. We tried making it that way several times and every time it was just "ok, we're gonna do this" but we'd never actually do it. So I asked him if we should break up but still go on dates and stuff and he said "idk." and i asked him if we could eventually do that and he said "idk." so I said I would like it to be a joint decision. I didn't wanna have to make the choice all by myself. but he said "you decide what you wanna do, and let me know. It's up to you." and when he says that, there's no changing his mind... After that, he had to leave because it was his first football game so I was left to myself to decide. and I made the decision. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to go to the play that I'm in right now and perform, but I faked it all night, because I had been quite literally sobbing for a long time before I left. Nobody there knew that I was upset about anything. After the show I saw that he had texted me saying "k, what'd you decide?" and I said "i need to call you" because i didn't wanna break up with him over a frickin text. that's just low and lame and retarded. I knew he wouldn't let me do it in person though so I was trying what I thought I could. He wouldn't let me call him though. He said "I can't talk right now." and I said "that's right, you're doing p90x. What about after?" and he said "after that i'm gonna do some stuff, so I won't be able to talk." and i said "what stuff?" and he said "just some stuff."I never told him this, but i'm more than positive that it was just an excuse he used to not let me call him... So, I had no other choice but to break up with him over text... He said "if you're breaking up with me, just tell me" so I said "fine. yes, I am..." and he said "that's all I needed to know. bye."He didn't even fight for me at all... I think that's one of the things that hurt the most... Although it might have made me feel worse if he had, so maybe it was a good thing. The next day, I was gonna take him his jackets and shirts and stuff that he'd let me have while we were together back to him, and get my stuff back. I asked him when he was going to be home so I could give it to him, and he said he was gonna be gone all day and that I could give it to his mom. I think it was another excuse not to see me... And that made me kinda mad because even though I was hurting, I still had the decency to take his stuff over to him myself and face seeing him. Seeing his mom was hard enough though, because she looked at me, and one of the first things she said was "how are you holding up?" and I was like "eh, i'm alright..." and she said "i'm so sorry that things didn't work out." and she started to get teary eyed which made ME teary eyed, then we were both all teary.. I really really liked his mom. She's an amazing lady, and the thought that I probably wasn't going to see her ever again, unless our paths cross coincidentally sometime through life, made me really sad. She asked if the decision was for the best, and I said it was, and we talked a little more about what happened. She said she would try to talk to him about where he needs to improve, because neither she nor I want him to end up being passively like his father... and that's kinda what I realized. Even though he isn't like him for the most part, he still has enough of his dad in him that it bothered me a lot. Maybe he'll change.. I hope he does, because he's a good guy. A very good guy. Just, not what I'm looking for or what I need. As hard as that is to admit, it's true...
Sometimes anyway. For one, idk what the heck is up with this new layout but I want the old one back. This one is confusing. And two, I had to make the hardest decision of my life last Friday. I broke up with the guy i've been dating for two years... Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't have to make the decision by myself. Idk, but yeah, I'd been talking to a couple of my aunts about everything that's been going on with the guy, the one i've been consistently writing about, because all summer I've felt so lost.. I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life, and they told me I should go out and meet lots of people, date lots of guys, find myself again, get back on track. That sort of thing. So I got thinking about it, and basically decided that this guy wasn't the kind of guy that I wanna be with for the rest of my life.. I won't say the reasons why because it still kinda hurts to have to admit it to myself, because I still care for him a lot. He's a great guy. He's more respectful to women than a lot of other guys i know. But the areas in which he struggled are ones that really matter to me. So I talked to him about it a lot because we'd tried making our relationship more of an "open" type before, and that didn't work at all. I never got asked on dates by any other guys cuz i was "taken." and he never asked any other girls on dates cuz he didn't want to. We tried making it that way several times and every time it was just "ok, we're gonna do this" but we'd never actually do it. So I asked him if we should break up but still go on dates and stuff and he said "idk." and i asked him if we could eventually do that and he said "idk." so I said I would like it to be a joint decision. I didn't wanna have to make the choice all by myself. but he said "you decide what you wanna do, and let me know. It's up to you." and when he says that, there's no changing his mind... After that, he had to leave because it was his first football game so I was left to myself to decide. and I made the decision. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to go to the play that I'm in right now and perform, but I faked it all night, because I had been quite literally sobbing for a long time before I left. Nobody there knew that I was upset about anything. After the show I saw that he had texted me saying "k, what'd you decide?" and I said "i need to call you" because i didn't wanna break up with him over a frickin text. that's just low and lame and retarded. I knew he wouldn't let me do it in person though so I was trying what I thought I could. He wouldn't let me call him though. He said "I can't talk right now." and I said "that's right, you're doing p90x. What about after?" and he said "after that i'm gonna do some stuff, so I won't be able to talk." and i said "what stuff?" and he said "just some stuff."I never told him this, but i'm more than positive that it was just an excuse he used to not let me call him... So, I had no other choice but to break up with him over text... He said "if you're breaking up with me, just tell me" so I said "fine. yes, I am..." and he said "that's all I needed to know. bye."He didn't even fight for me at all... I think that's one of the things that hurt the most... Although it might have made me feel worse if he had, so maybe it was a good thing. The next day, I was gonna take him his jackets and shirts and stuff that he'd let me have while we were together back to him, and get my stuff back. I asked him when he was going to be home so I could give it to him, and he said he was gonna be gone all day and that I could give it to his mom. I think it was another excuse not to see me... And that made me kinda mad because even though I was hurting, I still had the decency to take his stuff over to him myself and face seeing him. Seeing his mom was hard enough though, because she looked at me, and one of the first things she said was "how are you holding up?" and I was like "eh, i'm alright..." and she said "i'm so sorry that things didn't work out." and she started to get teary eyed which made ME teary eyed, then we were both all teary.. I really really liked his mom. She's an amazing lady, and the thought that I probably wasn't going to see her ever again, unless our paths cross coincidentally sometime through life, made me really sad. She asked if the decision was for the best, and I said it was, and we talked a little more about what happened. She said she would try to talk to him about where he needs to improve, because neither she nor I want him to end up being passively like his father... and that's kinda what I realized. Even though he isn't like him for the most part, he still has enough of his dad in him that it bothered me a lot. Maybe he'll change.. I hope he does, because he's a good guy. A very good guy. Just, not what I'm looking for or what I need. As hard as that is to admit, it's true...
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