Wait... what just happened?

So, it's been a really crazy last couple of weeks.

I got to Utah, and I'd been really mad over what happened

with Ricky and with the guy whom the previous post is about.

I think I called him David?

Anyway, that's not important.

I have better things to talk about today.

I have much better things to talk about, actually.

I think I've made this pretty clear to 

anyone and everyone who has ever known me,

but I have been completely and absolutely

opposed to being set up on dates.

Like, blind dates.

Bleh.

Even thinking about going on a blind date

would make my stomach churn and I would feel

all jittery and nervous. 

But, when I got to Utah, I was talking to

my cousin, who's also my roommate 

at the moment, and she told me about her friend

Cade, who she said she would really like to

set me up with.

Now, my natural instinct would have been to say

"Thank you, but no."

But for some reason, when she was telling me about him,

suddenly words "Yeah, that sounds great!"

came out of my mouth, and I was like 

"Wait...what?"

So she got a hold of him and said that he should 

ask me out, which he did!

He called me on Thursday and asked if I would like

to go out to dinner, which I said I would,

so we agreed on Friday (yesterday).

I wasn't able to talk to him for very long because

the fire alarm went off at work and I had to run,

but when I went on the date with him 

yesterday, first off, he was punctual,

in fact he was a couple minutes early,

and then all throughout the date he was completely

and totally chivalrous and courteous, he had wonderful

manners, I never heard him say a negative word 

about anyone or anything, he told me all about

his family, especially his four younger sisters,

and by the end of the date, I think I could say 

he had me, hook, line, and sinker.

It was honestly the best date I've ever been on

in my whole life.

And, while we were out, he told me about

how he has passes to go to the BYU basketball

games, and he told me that if I ever want to go,

I can go with him.

Plus, he asked me on another date next week anyway.

Which I'm really excited for.

There are so many things about him that I'm just

enraptured by, I can't even get over it.

I'm just trying to be myself and keep my sense of 

propriety so I don't overstep my bounds.

As far as I know, he doesn't have anyone that he's

"committed" to, or anything, because he seemed

genuinely interested in me.

Like, the way he would look right into my eyes

while we were at dinner. It almost made me

a little uncomfortable the first time he did it,

but then, I had this thought that just said 

"relax, it's ok. Look back at him."

So I did.

He has gorgeous eyes..

And he's really tall.

And his hair is dark.

3 major plus marks for him!

But those are just minor things compared to the rest.

Man, I feel like I'm totally raving about him..

I've only been on one date with him haha

but, the rest is yet to come!

I'm really excited for it!

First blind date?

Success.

 

To Whom it May Concern:

Hey.

Just thought I'd drop in to 

let you know what's happened to me

since the last time I saw you.

You'll probably never read this, but if you

ever see me again, you won't have to.

When you came into my life,

I thought I was following a path that would

lead to happiness.

I thought I could trust you, because

you understood me, without me having to

speak. 

It was almost as if you could

read my mind.

You knew my secret, my weakness, and you said

you would protect it.

What followed was an overbearing sense

of "You're mine" and too much

planning for a future that may or may not

have happened. 

I never said anything because I figured

you knew more than I did about relationships

because you're older than me, but I 

couldn't shake how utterly confused I was

because I didn't think I wanted to marry you,

but you were completely dead-set sure 

that I was yours.

After we broke up, we tried to be friends,

but you wouldn't speak to me.

When you would speak to me, it was some 

snarky, sarcastic remark about how I "spurned" you,

to which I bluntly agreed to, which apparently

left you offended.

When you finally decided to be my friend, 

 it was less of a friendship and more

like a prison.

I couldn't escape you, I couldn't

hide anything from you.

And I believed you every time you told me

what I was thinking, even if it wasn't 100% correct.

And I put up with how bluntly you would 

tear me down, like telling me I'm horrible

at keeping promises.

I was battling depression, and you always said

you were there to support me, and would help

me conquer it, but I know now that you were

just using my vulnerable state to

get what you wanted from me.

When I pushed back, my heart racing and

shaking because I couldn't believe what you tried

to do, you seemed so disappointed.

But not in yourself.

You claimed you felt bad for freaking me out,

but I know better now,

because after I left, we didn't speak for a month.

Finally, it seemed like we were getting

the "friends" thing down, and I didn't feel as nervous

around you.

But then Christmas Eve came. 

Christmas Eve, when my weakness surfaced,

 and instead of helping me keep it under control,

you lavished in it. 

You wouldn't let me leave until I had

given you what you wanted, and I was 

powerless to resist.

I told you I wasn't ok with what happened,

but the next time I saw you, 

it happened again.

I was trying to convince myself that 

this was a normal way of living and

interacting, when in my heart, I knew that it

wasn't me, and wasn't right.

When I explained that I couldn't survive the 

way we were handling the situation,

you told me that the ball was in my court.

You wouldn't push, or try to make me uncomfortable.

I saw you that night, and as soon as I walked in the door,

you tried it again.

When I got angry, you wouldn't even look at me.

You promised me that it wouldn't happen again,

and out of the goodness of my heart

I wanted to believe you.

But somehow I knew you didn't mean

anything you said.

And I was right.

I was leaving soon, about to get on a plane

and get as far away from that place as I could.

You asked if you could see me again.

I said yes.

You came over, and since you had never

been in my new house, you asked me to 

show you around.

When we were out of sight and sound of anyone else, 

suddenly the real you came out again.

I wouldn't let you take what wasn't yours,

and then you tried to guilt trip me into giving in.

I walked away from you.

I wasn't going to let you have dominion over me.

When you left that night, I knew you were angry, 

or disappointed that you hadn't gotten what you wanted.

You said you were fine.

Since then, we haven't spoken.

I flew home.

I didn't see anyone but my roommates for the first 4 days,

and then one of my old friends asked me if I wanted to

go to lunch, like we always used to do.

He and I write stories, you see.

We would soundboard ideas off of each other, and ask

for opinions and feedback.

When I saw him last Friday, I could barely speak.

My eyes averted his gaze the majority of the time we were

together.

I almost cried, sitting there at the table, because I was

afraid he would try to make me talk, like you did

4 months ago.

I was afraid he would find out my secret, 

and use it against me.

Like you did.

My old friend, who has given me no reason 

to distrust him, now has to endure my 

skepticism and fear of being honest.

And that's all thanks to you.

Thanks for leaving me worse off than 

you found me.

Someday, I'll get over my distrust, and I'll

find a man who treats me well. 

I'll have my happily ever after, while you're 

watching from Hell.

And someday, you'll see me across the room,

and instead of giving yourself a pat on the back,

I hope you look away,

realizing that someone had to fix what you broke.

You're welcome.

- Grace