So, for the next little while, I decided that this will be my recovery-venting-journal type thing. Over the past year, but this week especially, I've finally accepted that I'm a love addict and within the past week let myself go into withdrawal. It's literally Hell on earth. On Monday, I had a huge fight with my ninja dad over the fact that I'd still been looking up Samuel's pictures and such on Facebook, and every time I would look at them I'd think all about him and how great he was. Then, I saw a video of him dancing and I got super turned on by that... needless to say, ninja dad was pissed. He yelled at me, I yelled at him, whatever. We're still trying to even things out. Anyway, after that fight, I finally decided that I needed to unfriend him on Facebook so I could start to officially move on, so I did, and it opened the floodgates of withdrawal. And that's where the Hell on earth comes in. My emotions are so wacky and crazy, unpredictable and out of control, part of me really can't handle it and I feel so bad, I've had several serious suicide ideations, one of which was a crystal clear image of me taking my knife that Samuel helped me make, and dragging it up my wrist. Dramatic affect, obviously, with using the knife he helped me make. It's funny, I was watching an episode of The Vampire Diaries where Elena finally "turns her humanity back on" after having it turned "off", so she's finally feeling emotions, and I could relate very much to that. I'm feeling things that I never thought I'd feel, and I don't know how to feel them, and be ok with feeling them. If there's one thing I know I want though, it's physical contact, with a man. And I'm having a really hard time keeping that one at bay. In fact, there's a guy I work with at the pool who's 3 years younger than me but he always flirts with me, and I've seriously considered seeing if I can get him to make out with me, even though he's got a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a psycho, crazy, bi-atch at the moment. I know I shouldn't do that, and I won't, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. He's got big shoulders, and I'm sure he could hold me really tight. Anyway, enough of that, that's just entertaining bad ideas. I'm really glad that my mom at least knows to keep a little distance with the whole recovery thing, since she has a lot of emotional investment in me, seeing as I'm her daughter, obviously. My ninja dad is struggling with that and it's driving me crazy. He's been "trying to do what's best for me and keep his distance" but I can tell in the way he talks that he's not-so-silently hurting and so he wants me to be like "no, I need your help" so he can swoop in and save me but I'm tired of being saved. Or more, I'm tired of him expecting me to ask him to save me. It's not his job. Like, yesterday I was trying to tell him that maybe he's too invested in me to be able to take a step back from my recovery. He was saying "I'm never giving up on you." So I said "you can't make me get better" and he said "I'll repeat - I'm never giving up on you." So I just said it again. "You cannot make me get better." He didn't like that very much. Said he was worried that I was on a downward spiral. I was perfectly fine, I wasn't debating whether or not I was going to get better, it was just the "You can't make me" part that I was trying to emphasize. I don't think he picked up on it as well as I was hoping he would. I thought I was being pretty clear about it though. We'll see what else I'll have to do to get that across. Well, hopefully tonight I'll be able to get some sleep, seeing as I have to be at work way earlier than normal. Maybe I can start getting on a better schedule, finally. I need to figure out when I'm going to have my workout time. Hopefully talking to Weston about that tomorrow will help. I really hope I don't have another wet dream tonight. I had one last night, and as enjoyable as they are, it just makes it more and more obvious that I'm an odd-ball among women because in the research I did about them, it said that some women may be prone to have several a year. Several meaning what? I've had 2 in the past 2 weeks. I think I've already beat the statistics for "normal." Anyway, we'll find out come morning. However, if I were to have a dream about Damon Salvatore, I'd be pretty ok with that. Elena chose him, even after the Sire Bond was broken and she chose to not take the cure for vampirism. Yay!!! He's my favorite. Ok, I'm done.
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