Mission Girlfriends

So, tonight was interesting to say the least.  I went with my old friend from highschool to say goodbye to our other friend who's leaving on his mission to AFRICA tomorrow.  Everything was all good and nice, we were just talking about normal stuff, sort of normal.

Mission stuff.

Yeah.

So, we were just about to head out when his girlfriend showed up (I guess she was going with them to see him get set apart as a missionary...weird) but I felt like she gave me this look like:

"What are you doing at my boyfriend's house?..." -.-

I don't think she likes me very much.

Probably because at his farewell, when I first got to his house, his grandma was sitting on the couch, and

K, sidenote.  This kid is like 6'1" and his girlfriend is like 5' tall. She's vertically challenged..

So, I walk in and his grandma is like "Hey, there's a nice, tall girl. You should date her!" which was super awkward because 5' girl was just in the other room and heard everything lol 

So yeah. I get the feeling she doesn't like me.

Me and my girl friend that went to see him though, talked about after we had left.  If things work out for them, that'll be great.  We're kinda nervous for them though.  She seems like the sort of girl who would be sending him pictures of herself because she needs him to miss her or something.  Idk.

I get so confused with all that crap.  I mean, I don't write Nick every week.

I haven't sent him any pictures of me, cuz he doesn't need that.

I don't tell him everything that's going on in my life, because he doesn't need to worry about that either.

It happens way to often, where a girl waits for a guy but they aren't mission appropriate while he's gone, and then they come back, get married, then get divorced like a year later. 

I'm not gonna be one of those girls. 

No way, man.

Unsurity

There are some things I'm wondering.  

I've still been keeping tabs on Ray-ray's blog, and she's posting more and more crap about Peter, of course. I don't know whether I should keep it up though, because it just makes me angry.  But, at the same time, if she ever crosses a line, Peter can get a restraining order on her. He never reads her blog, thank heaven.

The other thing I'm not so sure of is, in the last email from Nick to his family, he said he's been having a little trouble focusing his mind and his attitude, and I'm really hoping it isn't because of me...

If it is, of course I will take a break from writing him, but I'm hoping it's just that he's just like any other missionary, and it takes some time to adjust and become a good teacher.

I don't know though... 

It doesn't help that the past two weeks have been utter chaos. I had work every day for 9 hours, and 3 of those days, I had to go straight to my show, so I'd have to basically bring my whole room with me to work...

It wasn't fun.

And then, a lot of my family has been getting sick so I've been kinda steering clear of them (not hard when you work 9 hours a day) but my mom just got sick last night, and when my dad told me, I kinda made an "oh great" face, and I got chewed out for it because apparently I'm a selfish diva who cares less about my own mother than about my "theater career."

I didn't speak to my dad for the rest of the night.

He never really says a whole lot, unlike my mom, but he knows how to really stab at you with his words... and yeah, he did. But, I'm a big girl, I can take it.  I'm really fed up with the lack of support I get from my family about my hobbies (theater is a hobby for me, not a career, although most people say it should be.) Come to think of it, most of my hobbies have no prospective future in them that would leave me "well off" by any means. I like doing makeup and nails.  Not so much into hair, cutting anyway, but that's just because I don't know how. But for the most part, it's been drilled into my brain: "no, that has no future in it, choose something else." about even the things I love doing.

Why am I listening?

Better to be poor doing something I love than rich doing something I hate, right?

Anyway, so, I'm going to be doing a lot of "soul-searching" over the next few days and figure out what I'm going to do... I need to talk to Taylor about it. He's basically become my big brother. Always has good advice, doesn't really know when to listen (but then again, does any man ever know when to listen and stop talking?)

So yeah...

Gonna be thinking about a lot of stuff over the next few days.

Touchy

So, I haven't written in a few weeks. 

Figure I probably should.

But the question is: what to write about? 

..........................

Oh, I think I got it.

So, if anybody remembers me mentioning Taylor in the "Involuntary Time Machine" post, here's more about him.  I'm gonna make one thing very clear though: I am never going to date this man.  Ever.  He is 26, happily married to one of the sweetest little ladies I've ever met, and they have 2 sons. However, he and I talk all the time, and he's been helping me get over my confidence issues.  Believe it or not, I have them very badly. I am not very strong in the sense of being in a really bad situation and being able to pull the good out of it.

Taylor is very good at that.  I've only ever seen him really mad about something maybe once, and i've never seen him depressed.  I can tell when he's stressed about something, but it never lasts very long.

So anyway, yeah, he and I have become good friends, and since I've been talking to him so much about how somehow I always let guys walk all over me, even though I hate it, I don't know what to do.  He's given me lots of good advice, and it's starting to show.  I've been saying so many things that I never would have even imagined myself saying 6 months ago :) 

For example: I've always been one to be really shady about my feelings towards guys because I don't want to directly hurt their feelings and be blunt.  I know that it's a really bad idea to do that, don't get me wrong, so usually I would avoid the subject altogether.  

Lately, that has changed.

Remember Nathan? 

There's been a lot going on with him.  He and his old friend were basically fighting over me even though I'm not interested in either of them in that way.  I never said it that bluntly though.  I was afraid of hurting them.  But, Nathan's friend started saying a bunch of things about Nathan that I knew weren't true, because both of them had taken to that: lying about the other to get me to pick sides.  So, I finally told both of them the truth.  The friend has stopped talking to me altogether.  I don't know if he ever will again, but frankly, I don't care.

Nathan on the other hand is being a little persistent.  He understands (or he says he does) that I will never feel anything more for him than friendship, so let's hope he was being serious.

Example #2: Again, with Nathan, he has this really annoying habit of saying something really rude, then apologizing for it, and blaming it on his "problem" that he's having right now.  I've pretty much had it up over my head with it.  Tonight, he randomly texted me at about 10, saying "goodnight I guess".

"Goodnight 'I guess'"? Who says something like that? Seriously?

So, I was pretty blunt.  I was like "really?" 

And then it's like 'ok, here come the excuses. Ready, set, go.'

Of course, then he says "well, I tried talking to you earlier but you weren't there and I needed someone to talk to that I could trust. Today has been kinda hard."

So I said "i'm sorry I wasn't here. I've been sleeping all day. I hope tomorrow is better, I know how that goes to have it be really hard."

Then he says "You wouldn't understand. Good night."

So then I was pissed off.

It's like, really? He just barely said "I needed someone to talk to that I can trust" and then turns around and says "You don't understand." which implies 'I don't trust you enough to tell you'.

Talk about hypocritical.  

So I told him off for it. Told him it was ridiculous that he said something like that, and that I wasn't going to put up with it.

So he said "Alright, so do it."

I said "Do what?"

"What you've wanted to do for a long time."

Meaning me leaving.

So I said "Leave? I will if you don't man up and start treating me like a lady instead of like dirt under your shoes.  I may be your friend, but I am a woman, and as both, I expect to be treated kindly and with respect. And don't you dare say 'well you don't respect me' because that's what a boy would say, not a man."

Let's just say I felt pretty dang proud of myself.  

I've never said anything like that to anybody before!

He had done exactly what I thought he would do before that too.  I was getting after him, and he said "i'm sorry, but it's going to get worse."  So I told him that wasn't gonna cut it.  I don't care what's going on that's so "hard", he can control himself and his words and if he can't show respect for other people, especially friends, and in particular, women, like me, I'm not going to keep contact with him, because I deserve better.

I'm done being walked on.

How's that for confidence?