*Scream*

So, this was pretty much crazy.

Yesterday morning, I went to my friend Jenna's graduation.  I was already really really nervous for it because Ty went to her school and is in her graduating class...

Bah, nervousy here!

Peter asked me if I would let him come because he thought I'd need moral support, and boy was he right.

As soon as I woke up in the morning, I was already on edge. The whole time I was getting ready, I was on edge. When I was eating breakfast, when I was driving to go pick up Peter, when we were driving down to the university for the graduation, I was on edge.

The worst was walking from the parking lot into the building and up to find seats. I had no idea where his family was, or where he was, and I didn't want to find out.

Pomp and Circumstance started to play over the loud speakers and the graduates started filing in.  I had no idea where my friend was, or what she really looked like, and it didn't really matter because I couldn't keep my eyes off the line of guys steadily marching into the stadium. When there were three rows, I began to get my hopes up that maybe he had graduated early like he always talked about, and literally right as I thought that, I saw his face on the big screen.

My heart stopped, and I grabbed onto Peter's sleeve. 

Through the whole ceremony, my hands were shaking and I was looking around nervously for his family. I didn't see them anywhere close by, so when the time came for all the graduates to walk and receive their diplomas, I listened carefully when they called his name and discovered his family was somewhere to my right and down several rows. 

I relaxed a bit and was able to sit through the rest without much strain on my nerves, and the ceremony ended.  The recession began and we all stood while the graduates filed out, but for some reason almost everyone around me and Peter decided to check out early, so we were basically all by ourselves up on the second to top row.  I looked around, and suddenly I saw Ty's little sister, then focusing closer, I recognized his mom, his older sister, and his brother.

"I see his family." I remarked to Peter, who asked and began to look around.  I pointed in the general direction and began describing the color and patterns of their shirts to him, when again I noticed something very alarming.

They were all staring at me! 

I panicked and pushed Peter towards the stairs.

"We need to get out of here, they saw me." I said urgently as he tried to talk over me, saying everything was fine. Nothing would calm my nerves and I made him blend into the crowd with me.

It took probably 15 minutes to finally get down the stairs and outside, and then we had to find Jenna.

Jenna doesn't have a phone, so we had to just wander every which way throughout the crowd and I was certain I would have my head turned one way and I'd look and there he would be, so for that reason, I kept a constant scan of the crowd and finally spotted her.  I gave her the card I bought, and we talked for a bit, then I told her that I needed to go so I didn't run into him, and lo and behold, his best friend stood right in the way of where we needed to go to leave.

I growled in frustration and led Peter in a wide bank around him back to the sidewalk. Once back on track, I made a bee-line for my car with Peter close behind me. Once in the car, I took several deep breaths and started the engine.  

We were stuck in traffic, typical for big events, and as we were waiting behind a small, white truck, a brown SUV came in from the opposite direction, needing to go the same way.  Completely honestly, I jumped and covered my mouth so I wouldn't scream when I recognized Ty in the passenger seat.  Immediately, I hid behind my steering wheel, not that that's inconspicuous at all, and waited for them to get at least 100 feet ahead before venturing forward again. 

Again, back on track, we needed to turn left and Peter suddenly said "Just keep going straight." 

"Why?" I asked.

"Just keep going straight." He repeated, and my heart stopped again.

"You see him, don't you?" I demanded.

"Maybe, I'm not sure. Ok, yes. Yes, I see him."

"Where?"

"To your left, behind the white car."

I looked, and on the main road to the left, the one we needed to get on, there they were again, stuck in their own flow of traffic.  I set my jaw.

"I don't care. If he sees me, he sees me. Whatever."

Peter shrugged, "Ok." 

Thankfully, they were gone before we got to turn, and that was the last I saw of them for the rest of the morning. Throughout the rest of the day, I couldn't stop thinking about him.  He had come to my graduation, and we talked so often about me coming to his, so I couldn't help but want to do something nice for him, to recognize his achievement. But, I didn't know how to do it. I had to leave something on his porch, and then try to not get caught doorbell ditching.

He'd caught me in the act of that before, while we were together.

This was definitely a bad time to get caught again.

I had to work during the afternoon, and I ended up drawing a big street map all across the white board at work and had my co-workers help me come up with a plan of how to not be seen and still be able to make sure he got it.

So, that night, I was talking to Peter again, and he wasn't feeling well, but his friend, Fidget, wanted to hang out, and I'd met him before, and we'd all hung out together, so I told him why not he and I do something together. He said it would be fun to help me with my doorbell ditch plan.

I ended up getting him a cheesy graduation card and a big-sized Dark Chocolate hershey's bar. After writing my own little message without signing my name in the card, we pulled up across the street from his house, and spent a good 10 minutes exploring how to make the car not turn the Emergency lights on when we needed to open and close the door.

Once we had figured it out, I went across the street, and tip-toed to his porch. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I could barely stand up, but I set my gift on his porch, on the door mat, tapped the doorbell, and ran for my life back to the van, hurling myself in the backseat but missing, landing awkwardly, half on the seat, half outside the car. I shut the door, and we watched for several minutes, but no one came.

"You've got to be kidding me." I groaned, and got out again. 

I scurried across the street, but this time took extra measures to make sure they wouldn't suddenly open the door as I was re-approaching.  Once at the door step, my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my head. Counting to 3, I knocked on the door several times, loudly, and again, booked it for my life to the van. I had twisted my ankle a little bit on the way but it didn't matter.  

Once settled and safe in the car again, we watched for several minutes and finally, his little brother answered the door and took the envelope and chocolate bar inside.  

Mission Accomplished.

My Life is Crazy

Hi.

So, yeah, I haven't been on here in forever, obviously. 

Lots has happened! 

I don't really know where to begin. Probably chronologically, but we'll see how it goes. 

Ok, so, first off, last month, in April, I was feeling rather lonely one night, and I decided I need some new pillows for my bed. I went to Wal-Mart and picked out a couple good ones, and some pillow cases. Then, as I was driving home, for some reason I decided to name them. Ryan, and Eldrik. 

Then, I got this little idea in my head.

I decided to make a big joke out of it. Like, say that I had a new boyfriend named Ryan and tell everyone about him and stuff. It got to the point where I had said I was engaged, but I'd forgotten that people in my ward, particularly adults get really crazy about stuff like that, so they all went nuts, but I told them all that it was all aimed at my best friend who had gotten me really bad the year before with a joke about her cutting her gorgeous, long, dark, curly hair to a short, orange-blonde pixi cut. It was pretty fun, and I got my best friend really good when I told her later that it was all a hoax. She actually smacked me for it.

Oh well, it was good fun.

Then, last Sunday, the 20th. 

I'd been asked by an old friend of mine from highschool, we'll call him Bobby, if i would go to his sacrament meeting for church because he was speaking. It was his brother's mission homecoming. 

I said yes, so I went and found the church and sat in the back by myself, no biggie.

I watched him talk, and it was actually really good, and then after the meeting was over, I went up to talk to him.

He asked if I was going over to his house after, and I was like "uh, sure, ok." So I followed him and his girlfriend back to his house. I was already feeling kind of awkward, because they had broken up, and Bobby had asked me on a date. The date hadn't happened yet, but still..

When we pulled up to his house, we all walked in, and his girlfriend went around the corner, so I had to ask him what was up.
"Are you guys still together?" I asked.

"Kind of. It's complicated.  We still want to be together, but we want to see other people too." He said, then he took my hand and said "Don't worry, I still want to go on a date with you."

I nodded, unsure of what to think of that, and pulled my hand away discreetly.

The rest of the afternoon I spent with them went well, but I had to go so I could get to a mission farewell for another of my friends. His girlfriend had walked off somewhere, and he said "alright, I'll walk you to your car." 

I said that was fine, and we walked out to my car.  He told me some ideas he had for the date he still wants to take me on, like going on a picnic up in the foothills, because his house is literally ON the foothills.

I thought it sounded like a great idea, it would be fun, and not much stress, and we could just talk and catch up on what's happened since highschool. We agreed that we just needed to set a date, but other than that everything was set.  We had been out there for a few minutes, so I said I really needed to go so I wouldn't be late, and he said ok, and gave me a hug.

It was perfectly fine and normal until he WHISPERED in my ear:

"Thank you so much for coming."

He whispered it TWICE.

Soooo weird!

I'm hoping that this isn't some really messed up sort of thing where he has a girlfriend, but thinks I'm really pretty and wants to get some action with me rather than commit to his girlfriend completely. 

Idk. That's really extreme. Oh well.

I drove to my other friend's farewell, and, I still feel really bad about this...I fell asleep during his talk.. Not because it was a bad talk, but I was so exhausted, I just couldn't stay awake anymore.
But anyway, at HIS house, I sat with a bunch of my friends and we were talking and laughing, etc etc. One of my friends and I were pointing out cute boys to each other, and I looked at one of them and found that he was looking at me too. I looked away, not in alarm, but rather, I was intrigued.
I stayed talking with my friends for a long time, then they all had to leave and I joined the group next to me with my friend whose farewell it was.  I didn't do a whole lot of talking, just listened to them talk about TV shows and video games and such, occasionally making a slight remark here and there. Said guy who looked at me seemed amazed at my knowledge about video/PC games.
I have a brother who plays them ALL THE TIME, so yeah. I play sometimes, but not a lot.
Eventually, everyone else left and it was just me, my friend, and his friend who kept staring at me. We had a Nerf war which was super fun, and his friend kept asking me questions about myself, and I couldn't help but laugh a little on the inside. When it got darker, we picked up all the darts and went back inside, to find that two of my friends had come back to visit.  We went down to the basement and talked for a while, and again I stayed quiet most of the time.  Mark, my friend's friend (the one who kept staring at me) was again, staring at me, whilst making conversation with my friends, who were being very flirtatious.  I tried to ignore everything, and in not too long, they said they had to leave, which was odd because they hadn't been there very long.
I walked up the stairs with Mark close behind me, and we went to the kitchen while my friends all chatted by the front door. The girls wanted us to walk out to their car with them, and as Mark and I walked down the hall to the front door, he said rather quietly,
"So, I think we should hang out sometime, would it be ok if I gave you my number?"
I smirked and said "Sure, that's fine."
We walked them out to their car, and said good-bye, and my friend who's leaving went back inside, leaving me and Mark outside, alone.
We talked by my car for a long time, about lots of things, particularly stories and magic and things nerdy like that. We talked till about 12:30, then I said I needed to go home because I had to work early the next day, and he said,
"I still need to give you my number."
So, I got his number, and he gave me a hug good-bye, and we both left.
Since then, I've texted him a couple times (I waited a couple days before I texted him the first time), and we've agreed that we need to take a big group up to Lagoon for a date up there. That would be super fun, I think. I'm pretty sure nothing serious is gonna happen, because he's still got a mission to go on, and I'm not THAT interested in him, but I think he would be a really great friend to keep around.

So then, on Tuesday, remember Nathan?
He got mad at me because apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to him, and was being a jerk because I was trying to help him understand how to communicate effectively with women because he sucks at it. So, he got mad and in short, called me stuck-up, prideful, and rude. So, I've been ignoring him for almost a week now and so far, he's called me twice and left big long voicemails about how sorry he is, and he's texted me almost every day saying "I'm really really sorry" but I haven't responded yet. And when I do, I'm gonna really let him know that that kind of attitude towards a friend is really not ok. So, that's what's going on with him.
Oh, yes, I forgot this part. He's been trying to charm me and it's kind of been working, I actually considered dating him, but then I got that little answer in a prayer that was like "nope, it's not time yet" so I was like "gah!" but it's turned out for the best. Very much so.

So then yesterday, we were having a party for my sister because she turned 12, just a family party, and the last of my family was leaving and this car pulled up in front of my house. I had no idea who it was, but it turned out to be one of my old friends from highschool who's getting married next month. She was coming by to drop off a reception invite to me, and then invited me to come with her to drop off the rest that she was taking around.  I went with, and we had a good talk. I hadn't talked to her in about 2 years, since we'd had a fight and then she decided to be friends with all the weirdos at school. It was really nice to see her, but opening her announcement and seeing the pictures of her and her fiancee' made me really jealous, to be completely honest.  Not because of the guy she's marrying, but just because she HAS someone, forever. And yeah, I know I'll eventually find the right guy, but right now I got nobody.
I invited her over to my house after we had finished, but most of what she was talking about was stuff for married people. Single people don't understand. AKA, I don't understand. So, she and my mom talked it up a bit, and I stayed quiet.
When she left, I got my purse and put on some shoes because I needed to go for a drive. Before I left, my family was all giving me a hard time about random things, and it kind of got under my skin but I tried to not let it bother me. Once in my car, I turned on my favorite church music, which is purely instrumental. Just a piano and a violin. Pretty stuff.
For some reason, it made me really emotional, so I got kinda teary-eyed while I was trying to drive. I ended up going up to the temple and sitting in the parking lot, trying to feel some form of comfort, but nothing helped. I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that eventually it'll all be ok, but right now it hurts.
Peter, Ray-Ray's ex, who's one of my good friends, was texting me, and asked if I was ok, and if I wanted to go over to his house and see him. At first, I said no, because I didn't want him to see me because I was a big moist mess. He didn't take that for an answer and threatened to come find me, so I said "Fine," and went down to his house. I dried my eyes as best I could, so when he came out to see me, he didn't really know I was having issues.
He gave me a hug and asked if I wanted to sit on the porch, and I said sure, and we sat up there in silence for a few minutes. The whole time, I was trying to not lose it and break down in sobs. But, he told me to start talking, so I did, and started to tear up again. My hands flew up to my eyes, dabbing away every tear that tried to fall down my face, and keeping my breathing steady.
"It's ok, you can cry." He told me.
I explained that I've been trying to hard to just focus on me and not worry about dating and all that crap, but I see couples all around who are so happy together, and I used to be that happy, but now I just pretend to be. There are sometimes when I am genuinely happy, but a lot of the time, especially around people who are in a relationship or married, part of me dies inside when they talk about their partner, significant other, fiancee', spouse, etc.
I try to not let it get to me, but I want that sort of relationship and affection so bad that I think it's starting to literally make me go crazy. And sometimes, it makes sense, because, this is actually really cool: I took the personality test with colors, you know Red, Blue, Yellow, or White, and found out I'm almost half Blue, which is all based on creativity and love.
Kind of makes sense.
I ended up completely bawling in front of him for nearly an hour...and the whole time he rubbed my shoulder and my back, or just kept his arms around me.  There were definitely a lot of feelings I needed to let go of, and thank heaven my eyes didn't swell up. My makeup didn't even smudge. It's pretty much invincible, which was sooo helpful, considering I had to go back home and pretend like nothing was wrong.
When I got home, I basically went straight to bed, not wanting to give myself any time to get emotional again. I was totally drained. Crying really just takes it out of me. I get a headache, my chest feels really heavy, and my body just kind of dies, which explains why most of the time, if I ever cry, it's in my bed, and I end up falling asleep afterward.
So, last night, I don't remember all of it, but one of my dreams was wonderful and terrible at the same time.  I dreamt of Nick. Seeing him, talking with him, laughing with him, and the very last thing I remember in the dream was him kissing me on the lips. Kisses in dreams are never very good, but I'd say this one was fairly awesome, considering I could actually somewhat feel it. I woke up, and almost forgot what had happened, and suddenly it was brought back to my memory and I couldn't help but smile.

Lectures and Denial

Ok, so, been a while since I posted. 

Probably because I haven't had ANY time whatsoever!

But anyway, I have a couple stories.

So, last Friday was game night. Taylor started inviting me to them a few weeks back and I've gone every week since then. This time, we ended up going laser tagging for 4 HOURS! It was pretty sweet, other than some people really annoyed me, but I just told them to go away, which felt awesome. So, in the 8 games of laser tag that we played, my shoulders started feeling really tight and sore, which really put a damper on my game, but I tried to not let any of the guys notice.  I'm pretty much the only girl that goes.
So, Nigel, (Taylor's cousin, remember?) noticed one of the times when I flinched out of pain and asked if I was ok.  I insisted that I was fine, but then as I kept flinching, he was like "no, seriously, something's wrong. What is it?"
So, I gave in and told him that my shoulders were hurting, but said I was fine and it wasn't a big deal.
OBVIOUSLY, that didn't fly.
The next time we went up to the briefing room, he was like "you sit on the lower bench."
and I said "ok..?"
so I sat on the lower bench, and he sat on the higher bench above me and rubbed my shoulders the whole time we were being briefed.
Ugh.
So then, after we were all done laser tagging, we went back to Nigel's house, where we usually have game night, down in his basement.  The layout is pretty much one big rectangular room with his TV, his couches, his dresser, his bed, his computer, everything.
I usually avoid even going near the bed, but I was exhausted from working so long every day, so I curled up on one of the couches and crashed.
Taylor had given me a ride to game night, so I was kind of stuck.
When I woke up, everyone was playing crazy Uno, and there was actually another person there.  Taylor's jacket was over me, so I was pretty much a little wigged.
"Whoa, is there another person here? Why is your jacket on me?" I asked Taylor, groggily.
They all laughed and told me to just go back to sleep. Then Nigel chimed in.
"You can just go lay down on the bed and go to sleep. Probably more comfortable than the couch."
I will admit, I agree full-heartedly. For one, Taylor is really loud, and two, curling up eventually gets kinda uncomfortable.
So I went and laid down on his bed, which was kind of weird because Nigel's man musk was on his pillows, and Taylor's jacket hood fell over my face for a second so I had Taylor's man musk from his jacket on one side of my face, and Nigel's man musk on the other side.
Super weird.
So, when Taylor drove me home about an hour and a half later, when I got in my house, I figured I oughta text Nigel and tell him thanks for letting me use his bed to crash on.
I texted him, and what he said back shocked me...
"it's comfortable huh, you should hang out there more often."
0.0
I was like WHAAAAT??
I immediately texted Taylor and was like "OH MY GOSH, WHAT DO I DO???"
He said it seemed like innocent friendliness, but I'm still not sure. 
Taylor doesn't know anything that went on between me and Nigel last summer...
So yeah, that's the first story.

Second story is from last night...
Remember from my last post, how I was talkin about how I was feeling a lack of love from my family? So, still feelin that, but waaaay worse. To the point where yesterday I felt threatened being around my family members. Particularly my parents.  They aren't the kind of parents that will love you just because I'm their kid. If I do something that might not be that smart, boy, do they let me know...
It really sucks sometimes.
So, Nathan (if you remember him. kind of creeper) asked me last night if he could come talk to me.  I, feeling awful and lonely, said "sure, why not?"
So, he came over and we talked in my yard for the first little bit.  Then we moved over to his car and sat on the hood and kept talking.
A very strange sensation overcame me.  Every time I looked at him, I had the deepest urge to just grab him and kiss him! It was unbelievable!
I thought to myself "ok, what the heck is wrong with you? you can't just kiss him! what the heck!"
I fought that feeling so hard, but I could tell I was losing the fight.  I was getting so annoyed and irritated that eventually I dropped my face into my palms.  He asked what the matter was, and I said I couldn't talk about it, but that wasn't an ok answer.  He kept prodding and prodding till he figured it out, then he said "ok, I promise the only thing I will do is hug you before I leave."
So then I was like "oh, ok, I think I'm good." in my head.
we talked for a bit longer, then it was time for him to leave, so we stood up and hugged.
But then we didn't let go...
Neither of us did...
We would hug, part a little and talk, tease each other, sometimes try to tickle each other, then go back to hugging.
That went on for about an hour, and he started to hold on to me even tighter, to where if I tried to pull away, I couldn't because his grip was so strong. 
He tried once to get me to give in and kiss him, by leaning his forehead against mine, but I never did give in.  The last hug he gave me, another one where he had a tight hold on me, I finally grabbed his shoulders and said "I need you to let go now."  and he said "ok.." kind of sadly, then we said good-bye and I went inside.

Once inside, I texted Taylor again, in a complete fit over what had just happened.  I felt awful, and vulnerable, and all other things horrible.  He had to tell me to calm down and breathe, then to explain everything that had happened. Once I did, he was rather appalled at me for letting Nathan get that close to me, and for even just being with him alone, for that matter... and that's not over and done with either.  He told me he's going to come have a talk with me... we'll see how that goes.
So yeah, that's my dating life right now. Non existent, but just as hecktic.