Hi.
So, yeah, I haven't been on here in forever, obviously.
Lots has happened!
I don't really know where to begin. Probably chronologically, but we'll see how it goes.
Ok, so, first off, last month, in April, I was feeling rather lonely one night, and I decided I need some new pillows for my bed. I went to Wal-Mart and picked out a couple good ones, and some pillow cases. Then, as I was driving home, for some reason I decided to name them. Ryan, and Eldrik.
Then, I got this little idea in my head.
I decided to make a big joke out of it. Like, say that I had a new boyfriend named Ryan and tell everyone about him and stuff. It got to the point where I had said I was engaged, but I'd forgotten that people in my ward, particularly adults get really crazy about stuff like that, so they all went nuts, but I told them all that it was all aimed at my best friend who had gotten me really bad the year before with a joke about her cutting her gorgeous, long, dark, curly hair to a short, orange-blonde pixi cut. It was pretty fun, and I got my best friend really good when I told her later that it was all a hoax. She actually smacked me for it.
Oh well, it was good fun.
Then, last Sunday, the 20th.
I'd been asked by an old friend of mine from highschool, we'll call him Bobby, if i would go to his sacrament meeting for church because he was speaking. It was his brother's mission homecoming.
I said yes, so I went and found the church and sat in the back by myself, no biggie.
I watched him talk, and it was actually really good, and then after the meeting was over, I went up to talk to him.
He asked if I was going over to his house after, and I was like "uh, sure, ok." So I followed him and his girlfriend back to his house. I was already feeling kind of awkward, because they had broken up, and Bobby had asked me on a date. The date hadn't happened yet, but still..
When we pulled up to his house, we all walked in, and his girlfriend went around the corner, so I had to ask him what was up.
"Are you guys still together?" I asked.
"Are you guys still together?" I asked.
"Kind of. It's complicated. We still want to be together, but we want to see other people too." He said, then he took my hand and said "Don't worry, I still want to go on a date with you."
I nodded, unsure of what to think of that, and pulled my hand away discreetly.
The rest of the afternoon I spent with them went well, but I had to go so I could get to a mission farewell for another of my friends. His girlfriend had walked off somewhere, and he said "alright, I'll walk you to your car."
I said that was fine, and we walked out to my car. He told me some ideas he had for the date he still wants to take me on, like going on a picnic up in the foothills, because his house is literally ON the foothills.
I thought it sounded like a great idea, it would be fun, and not much stress, and we could just talk and catch up on what's happened since highschool. We agreed that we just needed to set a date, but other than that everything was set. We had been out there for a few minutes, so I said I really needed to go so I wouldn't be late, and he said ok, and gave me a hug.
It was perfectly fine and normal until he WHISPERED in my ear:
"Thank you so much for coming."
He whispered it TWICE.
Soooo weird!
I'm hoping that this isn't some really messed up sort of thing where he has a girlfriend, but thinks I'm really pretty and wants to get some action with me rather than commit to his girlfriend completely.
Idk. That's really extreme. Oh well.
I drove to my other friend's farewell, and, I still feel really bad about this...I fell asleep during his talk.. Not because it was a bad talk, but I was so exhausted, I just couldn't stay awake anymore.
But anyway, at HIS house, I sat with a bunch of my friends and we were talking and laughing, etc etc. One of my friends and I were pointing out cute boys to each other, and I looked at one of them and found that he was looking at me too. I looked away, not in alarm, but rather, I was intrigued.
I stayed talking with my friends for a long time, then they all had to leave and I joined the group next to me with my friend whose farewell it was. I didn't do a whole lot of talking, just listened to them talk about TV shows and video games and such, occasionally making a slight remark here and there. Said guy who looked at me seemed amazed at my knowledge about video/PC games.
I have a brother who plays them ALL THE TIME, so yeah. I play sometimes, but not a lot.
Eventually, everyone else left and it was just me, my friend, and his friend who kept staring at me. We had a Nerf war which was super fun, and his friend kept asking me questions about myself, and I couldn't help but laugh a little on the inside. When it got darker, we picked up all the darts and went back inside, to find that two of my friends had come back to visit. We went down to the basement and talked for a while, and again I stayed quiet most of the time. Mark, my friend's friend (the one who kept staring at me) was again, staring at me, whilst making conversation with my friends, who were being very flirtatious. I tried to ignore everything, and in not too long, they said they had to leave, which was odd because they hadn't been there very long.
I walked up the stairs with Mark close behind me, and we went to the kitchen while my friends all chatted by the front door. The girls wanted us to walk out to their car with them, and as Mark and I walked down the hall to the front door, he said rather quietly,
"So, I think we should hang out sometime, would it be ok if I gave you my number?"
I smirked and said "Sure, that's fine."
We walked them out to their car, and said good-bye, and my friend who's leaving went back inside, leaving me and Mark outside, alone.
We talked by my car for a long time, about lots of things, particularly stories and magic and things nerdy like that. We talked till about 12:30, then I said I needed to go home because I had to work early the next day, and he said,
"I still need to give you my number."
So, I got his number, and he gave me a hug good-bye, and we both left.
Since then, I've texted him a couple times (I waited a couple days before I texted him the first time), and we've agreed that we need to take a big group up to Lagoon for a date up there. That would be super fun, I think. I'm pretty sure nothing serious is gonna happen, because he's still got a mission to go on, and I'm not THAT interested in him, but I think he would be a really great friend to keep around.
So then, on Tuesday, remember Nathan?
He got mad at me because apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to him, and was being a jerk because I was trying to help him understand how to communicate effectively with women because he sucks at it. So, he got mad and in short, called me stuck-up, prideful, and rude. So, I've been ignoring him for almost a week now and so far, he's called me twice and left big long voicemails about how sorry he is, and he's texted me almost every day saying "I'm really really sorry" but I haven't responded yet. And when I do, I'm gonna really let him know that that kind of attitude towards a friend is really not ok. So, that's what's going on with him.
Oh, yes, I forgot this part. He's been trying to charm me and it's kind of been working, I actually considered dating him, but then I got that little answer in a prayer that was like "nope, it's not time yet" so I was like "gah!" but it's turned out for the best. Very much so.
So then yesterday, we were having a party for my sister because she turned 12, just a family party, and the last of my family was leaving and this car pulled up in front of my house. I had no idea who it was, but it turned out to be one of my old friends from highschool who's getting married next month. She was coming by to drop off a reception invite to me, and then invited me to come with her to drop off the rest that she was taking around. I went with, and we had a good talk. I hadn't talked to her in about 2 years, since we'd had a fight and then she decided to be friends with all the weirdos at school. It was really nice to see her, but opening her announcement and seeing the pictures of her and her fiancee' made me really jealous, to be completely honest. Not because of the guy she's marrying, but just because she HAS someone, forever. And yeah, I know I'll eventually find the right guy, but right now I got nobody.
I invited her over to my house after we had finished, but most of what she was talking about was stuff for married people. Single people don't understand. AKA, I don't understand. So, she and my mom talked it up a bit, and I stayed quiet.
When she left, I got my purse and put on some shoes because I needed to go for a drive. Before I left, my family was all giving me a hard time about random things, and it kind of got under my skin but I tried to not let it bother me. Once in my car, I turned on my favorite church music, which is purely instrumental. Just a piano and a violin. Pretty stuff.
For some reason, it made me really emotional, so I got kinda teary-eyed while I was trying to drive. I ended up going up to the temple and sitting in the parking lot, trying to feel some form of comfort, but nothing helped. I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that eventually it'll all be ok, but right now it hurts.
Peter, Ray-Ray's ex, who's one of my good friends, was texting me, and asked if I was ok, and if I wanted to go over to his house and see him. At first, I said no, because I didn't want him to see me because I was a big moist mess. He didn't take that for an answer and threatened to come find me, so I said "Fine," and went down to his house. I dried my eyes as best I could, so when he came out to see me, he didn't really know I was having issues.
He gave me a hug and asked if I wanted to sit on the porch, and I said sure, and we sat up there in silence for a few minutes. The whole time, I was trying to not lose it and break down in sobs. But, he told me to start talking, so I did, and started to tear up again. My hands flew up to my eyes, dabbing away every tear that tried to fall down my face, and keeping my breathing steady.
"It's ok, you can cry." He told me.
I explained that I've been trying to hard to just focus on me and not worry about dating and all that crap, but I see couples all around who are so happy together, and I used to be that happy, but now I just pretend to be. There are sometimes when I am genuinely happy, but a lot of the time, especially around people who are in a relationship or married, part of me dies inside when they talk about their partner, significant other, fiancee', spouse, etc.
I try to not let it get to me, but I want that sort of relationship and affection so bad that I think it's starting to literally make me go crazy. And sometimes, it makes sense, because, this is actually really cool: I took the personality test with colors, you know Red, Blue, Yellow, or White, and found out I'm almost half Blue, which is all based on creativity and love.
Kind of makes sense.
I ended up completely bawling in front of him for nearly an hour...and the whole time he rubbed my shoulder and my back, or just kept his arms around me. There were definitely a lot of feelings I needed to let go of, and thank heaven my eyes didn't swell up. My makeup didn't even smudge. It's pretty much invincible, which was sooo helpful, considering I had to go back home and pretend like nothing was wrong.
When I got home, I basically went straight to bed, not wanting to give myself any time to get emotional again. I was totally drained. Crying really just takes it out of me. I get a headache, my chest feels really heavy, and my body just kind of dies, which explains why most of the time, if I ever cry, it's in my bed, and I end up falling asleep afterward.
So, last night, I don't remember all of it, but one of my dreams was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I dreamt of Nick. Seeing him, talking with him, laughing with him, and the very last thing I remember in the dream was him kissing me on the lips. Kisses in dreams are never very good, but I'd say this one was fairly awesome, considering I could actually somewhat feel it. I woke up, and almost forgot what had happened, and suddenly it was brought back to my memory and I couldn't help but smile.
But anyway, at HIS house, I sat with a bunch of my friends and we were talking and laughing, etc etc. One of my friends and I were pointing out cute boys to each other, and I looked at one of them and found that he was looking at me too. I looked away, not in alarm, but rather, I was intrigued.
I stayed talking with my friends for a long time, then they all had to leave and I joined the group next to me with my friend whose farewell it was. I didn't do a whole lot of talking, just listened to them talk about TV shows and video games and such, occasionally making a slight remark here and there. Said guy who looked at me seemed amazed at my knowledge about video/PC games.
I have a brother who plays them ALL THE TIME, so yeah. I play sometimes, but not a lot.
Eventually, everyone else left and it was just me, my friend, and his friend who kept staring at me. We had a Nerf war which was super fun, and his friend kept asking me questions about myself, and I couldn't help but laugh a little on the inside. When it got darker, we picked up all the darts and went back inside, to find that two of my friends had come back to visit. We went down to the basement and talked for a while, and again I stayed quiet most of the time. Mark, my friend's friend (the one who kept staring at me) was again, staring at me, whilst making conversation with my friends, who were being very flirtatious. I tried to ignore everything, and in not too long, they said they had to leave, which was odd because they hadn't been there very long.
I walked up the stairs with Mark close behind me, and we went to the kitchen while my friends all chatted by the front door. The girls wanted us to walk out to their car with them, and as Mark and I walked down the hall to the front door, he said rather quietly,
"So, I think we should hang out sometime, would it be ok if I gave you my number?"
I smirked and said "Sure, that's fine."
We walked them out to their car, and said good-bye, and my friend who's leaving went back inside, leaving me and Mark outside, alone.
We talked by my car for a long time, about lots of things, particularly stories and magic and things nerdy like that. We talked till about 12:30, then I said I needed to go home because I had to work early the next day, and he said,
"I still need to give you my number."
So, I got his number, and he gave me a hug good-bye, and we both left.
Since then, I've texted him a couple times (I waited a couple days before I texted him the first time), and we've agreed that we need to take a big group up to Lagoon for a date up there. That would be super fun, I think. I'm pretty sure nothing serious is gonna happen, because he's still got a mission to go on, and I'm not THAT interested in him, but I think he would be a really great friend to keep around.
So then, on Tuesday, remember Nathan?
He got mad at me because apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to him, and was being a jerk because I was trying to help him understand how to communicate effectively with women because he sucks at it. So, he got mad and in short, called me stuck-up, prideful, and rude. So, I've been ignoring him for almost a week now and so far, he's called me twice and left big long voicemails about how sorry he is, and he's texted me almost every day saying "I'm really really sorry" but I haven't responded yet. And when I do, I'm gonna really let him know that that kind of attitude towards a friend is really not ok. So, that's what's going on with him.
Oh, yes, I forgot this part. He's been trying to charm me and it's kind of been working, I actually considered dating him, but then I got that little answer in a prayer that was like "nope, it's not time yet" so I was like "gah!" but it's turned out for the best. Very much so.
So then yesterday, we were having a party for my sister because she turned 12, just a family party, and the last of my family was leaving and this car pulled up in front of my house. I had no idea who it was, but it turned out to be one of my old friends from highschool who's getting married next month. She was coming by to drop off a reception invite to me, and then invited me to come with her to drop off the rest that she was taking around. I went with, and we had a good talk. I hadn't talked to her in about 2 years, since we'd had a fight and then she decided to be friends with all the weirdos at school. It was really nice to see her, but opening her announcement and seeing the pictures of her and her fiancee' made me really jealous, to be completely honest. Not because of the guy she's marrying, but just because she HAS someone, forever. And yeah, I know I'll eventually find the right guy, but right now I got nobody.
I invited her over to my house after we had finished, but most of what she was talking about was stuff for married people. Single people don't understand. AKA, I don't understand. So, she and my mom talked it up a bit, and I stayed quiet.
When she left, I got my purse and put on some shoes because I needed to go for a drive. Before I left, my family was all giving me a hard time about random things, and it kind of got under my skin but I tried to not let it bother me. Once in my car, I turned on my favorite church music, which is purely instrumental. Just a piano and a violin. Pretty stuff.
For some reason, it made me really emotional, so I got kinda teary-eyed while I was trying to drive. I ended up going up to the temple and sitting in the parking lot, trying to feel some form of comfort, but nothing helped. I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that eventually it'll all be ok, but right now it hurts.
Peter, Ray-Ray's ex, who's one of my good friends, was texting me, and asked if I was ok, and if I wanted to go over to his house and see him. At first, I said no, because I didn't want him to see me because I was a big moist mess. He didn't take that for an answer and threatened to come find me, so I said "Fine," and went down to his house. I dried my eyes as best I could, so when he came out to see me, he didn't really know I was having issues.
He gave me a hug and asked if I wanted to sit on the porch, and I said sure, and we sat up there in silence for a few minutes. The whole time, I was trying to not lose it and break down in sobs. But, he told me to start talking, so I did, and started to tear up again. My hands flew up to my eyes, dabbing away every tear that tried to fall down my face, and keeping my breathing steady.
"It's ok, you can cry." He told me.
I explained that I've been trying to hard to just focus on me and not worry about dating and all that crap, but I see couples all around who are so happy together, and I used to be that happy, but now I just pretend to be. There are sometimes when I am genuinely happy, but a lot of the time, especially around people who are in a relationship or married, part of me dies inside when they talk about their partner, significant other, fiancee', spouse, etc.
I try to not let it get to me, but I want that sort of relationship and affection so bad that I think it's starting to literally make me go crazy. And sometimes, it makes sense, because, this is actually really cool: I took the personality test with colors, you know Red, Blue, Yellow, or White, and found out I'm almost half Blue, which is all based on creativity and love.
Kind of makes sense.
I ended up completely bawling in front of him for nearly an hour...and the whole time he rubbed my shoulder and my back, or just kept his arms around me. There were definitely a lot of feelings I needed to let go of, and thank heaven my eyes didn't swell up. My makeup didn't even smudge. It's pretty much invincible, which was sooo helpful, considering I had to go back home and pretend like nothing was wrong.
When I got home, I basically went straight to bed, not wanting to give myself any time to get emotional again. I was totally drained. Crying really just takes it out of me. I get a headache, my chest feels really heavy, and my body just kind of dies, which explains why most of the time, if I ever cry, it's in my bed, and I end up falling asleep afterward.
So, last night, I don't remember all of it, but one of my dreams was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I dreamt of Nick. Seeing him, talking with him, laughing with him, and the very last thing I remember in the dream was him kissing me on the lips. Kisses in dreams are never very good, but I'd say this one was fairly awesome, considering I could actually somewhat feel it. I woke up, and almost forgot what had happened, and suddenly it was brought back to my memory and I couldn't help but smile.
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