Guess who?

So, this may come as an intense surprise. Guess who pretty much came back from the dead?
Ricky.
I don't think I posted about the time that he texted me about a month or so ago. I was a real witch when we talked then, like totally emotionless. My wall was up hardcore. So anyway, he just finished finals last week, so he's on summer break, and a couple days ago I got a text from someone in my old group of friends from High School who wanted to get together and have a party. Ricky was going to be there, so I was a little wary of going, but I was thinking "I'll show him. I'll go and be just fine." So then, the day of the party, I was on my Facebook, and he was online, so I was like "I'm gonna prove my point. He won't answer." So, I messaged him. I waited a few minutes, and nothing, so I exited the conversation window, rather pleased with myself, but suddenly it popped back up again.. he had responded! That was the first time in months! And in fact, he was the one doing most of the conversing and asking questions and such. I was honestly shocked. We got off the chat, because I had to go to work, and he was like "see you tonight!" So we got off, and I was going to work, and then he texted me! I was like "ok, what do you want??" because it was like "can you really not wait until tonight to talk to me?" so, we texted back and forth a little, then after work I went to Figit's house - remember him? I dated him before my mission. We're still good friends. Anyway, I was with Figit for a couple hours, then I went over to the party. When I walked in, Ricky was there, and we were all talking and reminiscing and whatnot, and I noticed that Ricky kept staring at me. A lot. And there was one moment when I was explaining to everyone why they never know what's going on in my life, and I just said "that's because I don't really tell anybody anything," and then Ricky chimed in with the things he and I had been talking about. I couldn't help but wonder if he was saying those things just to prove that he was paying attention to what I was saying. Later, we had all moved to the couches, and I ended up sitting next to Ricky, and at one point he turned to me and mentioned that he seemed to have a talent for disappearing off the face of the Earth. I turned to him, and quietly enough that no one else could hear, I said "yeah, I know." rather sharply, and his expression seemed to melt. He said "I'm so sorry that I disappeared back in October. I really feel bad about that." I didn't know what to say, so I just looked from him back to everyone else at least twice, smirking uncertainly, and then said "ok." It was the best I could come up with.
We went on throughout the evening cordially, but he kept smacking me with a pillow. I got him back a couple times. At the end of the party, we ended up leaving at the same time, and as we walked out, we were talking, and got rather carried away in our conversation until I had started to shiver. He offered for us to continue talking in his car, so we went and continued on talking sitting in his car, which is very nice, by the way.
Again, he started talking about how he felt really bad for disappearing, and started to give his explanation. He never mentioned our mutual friend that I knew he had had a crush on for a while, just school. So, I asked him directly if she had anything to do with it. He said she didnt, and continued to explain his behavior, because apparently he somewhat shut down because of the load of schoolwork that had been heaped on him. I understood the shutting down part completely.
So then he me how I was doing, and I could tell he didn't want a "yes" or "no", so I said "better." He wanted to know what I meant by that, so I said "better than I was out in Tennessee." So then he asked what happened. He wanted to know what had happened to me out there. I asked him twice if he was sure he wanted to hear the whole story, because it wasn't a good story, but he insisted. So, warily, I began telling him about how day by day out there doing nothing, I began to lose myself and get lost in a daze. The depression was so bad that sometimes I couldn't get out of bed until the middle of the afternoon. At one point, I had seriously been considering suicide, and had made a plan for how I was going to do it, and that's when I started therapy. I told him that my Branch President in Tennessee made me promise that I would continue out here, so I said I go to therapy every week, and I've been getting a lot better. It was a much different reaction than the one I got when I told Cade. It was the sort of reaction I've been hoping for. He didn't freak out, but he just gave his sympathy as best he could, which was all I needed. So then, here's the climax, he asked me on a date. Originally it was actually supposed to be tonight, but we ended up having to reschedule to Monday, which I'm ok with. I'm exhausted.
But yeah, so, Ricky is back in the picture. He has officially re-entered the "love angle".

Watch out, Cade..

So, no surprise here, Cade still won't commit.
NO SURPRISE there.
So, I've been dating around as much as I freakin want to the past while, just because I can for one, and also because I don't have my eyes half shut yet.  I'm still looking around.
Which brings me to the subject of my post.
Today, I went on a date with a guy who served in the same mission as me.  I always thought that would be weird dating guys from the mission, but it was actually really fun.
He freaking brought over his motorcycle!
It was seriously so fun!
We went over to Costa Vida and got lunch, and just talked about stuff, and then both of us had other stuff to do, so it was a really short date, but it was still a date.  And I really kinda like this guy.  His name is Adam.  (not really, you know the drill). But anyway, the point is that Adam left today to go up to Oregon to do summer sales, but he'll be back in the fall. So, he won't be here for the next approx. 4 months.  But, the point is that if Cade can't commit by the end of the summer, he may very well be freakin out of luck, because I like this guy a lot, and if he comes back here and says "yeah, lets date some more" I'm gonna be like "Heck yeah!"
AND, over the summer, the elder from my mission that I had the hugest crush on gets home. Although he lives in Arizona, but that doesn't mean that we can't talk! We totally will! All the time!
AND, also, around August, my really good friend from work gets home from his mission, and I kinda sorta like that kid too.  People always used to tease us and say that we were a "thing" while we worked together, even though we weren't.  Like, we totally weren't. He was 16. I was 18. Ew. Cougar status.
BUT! Now hes over 18. So, hes legal.
Freak! It's rainin' men! Somebody get me an umbrella!

The Struggle Is Real

So, the last time I wrote, it had sounded like things were going to get serious between me and Cade sooner rather than later. Psyche.  Nothing had really changed.  In fact, if anything, we've taken a step backwards.  It started when he asked me if I wanted to go watch General Conference with him and his family, the Saturday sessions anyway.  I didn't have any previous plans, so I figured, "why not?"  When I went over, we watched Conference, but I was sooo tired, because I had just had a 40 hour work week, so during the 2 hour break between sessions, I konked out on their couch.  I slept for most of the break, until he woke me up.  I forgot an important piece of information though.  Previously,  we had been talking about being "official", but what he ended up deciding was that he wanted to keep waiting.  So, I told him that I didn't want to keep acting like a couple if we weren't actually a couple.  Basically saying that he can't be all touchy-feely with me unless he commits.  Anyway, I digress.  During Conference, he was being all touchy-feely again, which was making me mad, so after the second session was over, I had to go to work, and when he walked me to the door, I said "So, about the whole, not acting like a couple if we're not a couple thing? It doesn't seem like it's going so well."  To which he responded: "Oh yeah.. sorry about that. You may need to remind me about that."  And after a short good-bye, I left.  I was extremely unhappy about the fact that he had totally forgotten about our agreement, so I thought to myself "To heck with everything.  I'm going on dates with all the guys who have expressed interest in taking me out."  And I've done that.  I went on 2 dates last week with different guys, and was supposed to have one on Saturday, but I ended up getting laryngitis from working myself too hard, so I couldn't go.  It was interesting though, on Saturday, Cade ended up calling me to ask if I was busy that night.  I wasn't, because my previous date had fallen through, so he asked if I wanted to go over to his place and watch a movie.  We ended up watching "The Italian Job" which was somewhat painfully predictable, but still a good movie, and then as he was about to take me home, he was talking about how they had had an Easter Egg hunt that morning in his complex, and they had hid like, 2000 eggs or something.  He was making a joke about how he was probably going to find more eggs around the complex, when suddenly I was like "There's one right there."  So he stopped his car, and I hopped out and got it.  He was most thoroughly impressed, which was rather pleasing.  That was Saturday.  Then, Sunday, he called and wanted to know if I wanted to get together, which I did, but I didn't hear from him for almost an hour, so I said "ok, whatever. I'm going to bed." to myself.  It was about 9:45, so I got up from the kitchen and walked back to my bedroom.  No joke, as soon as I got to my bedroom, my phone started ringing, and it was Cade.  He came over, and we talked in the kitchen for a good couple hours until he had to get back home.  During our conversation though, he was talking about how there was a speaker in his ward that day that, during his talk, suddenly said "You know, brothers and sisters, I love grace."  He was speaking about the principle of God's grace, but Cade's roommates all stared down the row at him when the speaker said that.  Cade told me about it, and I started getting suspicious, wondering if he was going to start using the "L" word.  He also asked me if I would go to FHE in his ward with him the next day, which was yesterday.  I said that I would, so last night, I went with him down to Mapleton, to a place where they had a barn and a pond to row canoes in, it was really fun, and super cute, I really liked it.  I kept telling Cade, whenever I would just look around at the place, "I want it."  And he would say "Noted."  After FHE was over, we went back to my house and were just talking about things again, but pretty soon he had to leave so he could get back to school and work on some homework with a friend of his.  As he was leaving, he asked me if he was doing better on 'not being so touchy', to which I said "I think that it's really hard for you to not be, but yes." And then I reminded him, "You can have it back when you're ready." To which he laughed and said "I haven't had anyone tell me that since I was like, 5." That brought up the subject of him not committing, so I said that I was still trying to understand his point of view, and I asked him if he was afraid of committing to someone in general.  He said he didn't think so, but he said "we'll have to talk about it sometime."  To which I immediately responded, "Alright, but you get to bring it up."  After he walked out the door, he said something about the comment made by the speaker in his ward about "loving grace."  So, I just asked him point blank.  "Do you?"  I think I surprised him with my question, because he came back up to the door.  He stood by the door frame as I was leaning against the semi-open door, and said "What exactly is the question?"  with a nervous laugh.  I smirked and just said "I'll let you stew over that one for a while."  And then he laughed nervously again, and said "Ok, I'm getting a cuteness overload, so I'm gonna go now."  I guess me leaning against the door looked really cute..? That covered a lot over the past couple weeks, but hopefully it gets the point across.