The Struggle Is Real

So, the last time I wrote, it had sounded like things were going to get serious between me and Cade sooner rather than later. Psyche.  Nothing had really changed.  In fact, if anything, we've taken a step backwards.  It started when he asked me if I wanted to go watch General Conference with him and his family, the Saturday sessions anyway.  I didn't have any previous plans, so I figured, "why not?"  When I went over, we watched Conference, but I was sooo tired, because I had just had a 40 hour work week, so during the 2 hour break between sessions, I konked out on their couch.  I slept for most of the break, until he woke me up.  I forgot an important piece of information though.  Previously,  we had been talking about being "official", but what he ended up deciding was that he wanted to keep waiting.  So, I told him that I didn't want to keep acting like a couple if we weren't actually a couple.  Basically saying that he can't be all touchy-feely with me unless he commits.  Anyway, I digress.  During Conference, he was being all touchy-feely again, which was making me mad, so after the second session was over, I had to go to work, and when he walked me to the door, I said "So, about the whole, not acting like a couple if we're not a couple thing? It doesn't seem like it's going so well."  To which he responded: "Oh yeah.. sorry about that. You may need to remind me about that."  And after a short good-bye, I left.  I was extremely unhappy about the fact that he had totally forgotten about our agreement, so I thought to myself "To heck with everything.  I'm going on dates with all the guys who have expressed interest in taking me out."  And I've done that.  I went on 2 dates last week with different guys, and was supposed to have one on Saturday, but I ended up getting laryngitis from working myself too hard, so I couldn't go.  It was interesting though, on Saturday, Cade ended up calling me to ask if I was busy that night.  I wasn't, because my previous date had fallen through, so he asked if I wanted to go over to his place and watch a movie.  We ended up watching "The Italian Job" which was somewhat painfully predictable, but still a good movie, and then as he was about to take me home, he was talking about how they had had an Easter Egg hunt that morning in his complex, and they had hid like, 2000 eggs or something.  He was making a joke about how he was probably going to find more eggs around the complex, when suddenly I was like "There's one right there."  So he stopped his car, and I hopped out and got it.  He was most thoroughly impressed, which was rather pleasing.  That was Saturday.  Then, Sunday, he called and wanted to know if I wanted to get together, which I did, but I didn't hear from him for almost an hour, so I said "ok, whatever. I'm going to bed." to myself.  It was about 9:45, so I got up from the kitchen and walked back to my bedroom.  No joke, as soon as I got to my bedroom, my phone started ringing, and it was Cade.  He came over, and we talked in the kitchen for a good couple hours until he had to get back home.  During our conversation though, he was talking about how there was a speaker in his ward that day that, during his talk, suddenly said "You know, brothers and sisters, I love grace."  He was speaking about the principle of God's grace, but Cade's roommates all stared down the row at him when the speaker said that.  Cade told me about it, and I started getting suspicious, wondering if he was going to start using the "L" word.  He also asked me if I would go to FHE in his ward with him the next day, which was yesterday.  I said that I would, so last night, I went with him down to Mapleton, to a place where they had a barn and a pond to row canoes in, it was really fun, and super cute, I really liked it.  I kept telling Cade, whenever I would just look around at the place, "I want it."  And he would say "Noted."  After FHE was over, we went back to my house and were just talking about things again, but pretty soon he had to leave so he could get back to school and work on some homework with a friend of his.  As he was leaving, he asked me if he was doing better on 'not being so touchy', to which I said "I think that it's really hard for you to not be, but yes." And then I reminded him, "You can have it back when you're ready." To which he laughed and said "I haven't had anyone tell me that since I was like, 5." That brought up the subject of him not committing, so I said that I was still trying to understand his point of view, and I asked him if he was afraid of committing to someone in general.  He said he didn't think so, but he said "we'll have to talk about it sometime."  To which I immediately responded, "Alright, but you get to bring it up."  After he walked out the door, he said something about the comment made by the speaker in his ward about "loving grace."  So, I just asked him point blank.  "Do you?"  I think I surprised him with my question, because he came back up to the door.  He stood by the door frame as I was leaning against the semi-open door, and said "What exactly is the question?"  with a nervous laugh.  I smirked and just said "I'll let you stew over that one for a while."  And then he laughed nervously again, and said "Ok, I'm getting a cuteness overload, so I'm gonna go now."  I guess me leaning against the door looked really cute..? That covered a lot over the past couple weeks, but hopefully it gets the point across.