Watch out, Cade..

So, no surprise here, Cade still won't commit.
NO SURPRISE there.
So, I've been dating around as much as I freakin want to the past while, just because I can for one, and also because I don't have my eyes half shut yet.  I'm still looking around.
Which brings me to the subject of my post.
Today, I went on a date with a guy who served in the same mission as me.  I always thought that would be weird dating guys from the mission, but it was actually really fun.
He freaking brought over his motorcycle!
It was seriously so fun!
We went over to Costa Vida and got lunch, and just talked about stuff, and then both of us had other stuff to do, so it was a really short date, but it was still a date.  And I really kinda like this guy.  His name is Adam.  (not really, you know the drill). But anyway, the point is that Adam left today to go up to Oregon to do summer sales, but he'll be back in the fall. So, he won't be here for the next approx. 4 months.  But, the point is that if Cade can't commit by the end of the summer, he may very well be freakin out of luck, because I like this guy a lot, and if he comes back here and says "yeah, lets date some more" I'm gonna be like "Heck yeah!"
AND, over the summer, the elder from my mission that I had the hugest crush on gets home. Although he lives in Arizona, but that doesn't mean that we can't talk! We totally will! All the time!
AND, also, around August, my really good friend from work gets home from his mission, and I kinda sorta like that kid too.  People always used to tease us and say that we were a "thing" while we worked together, even though we weren't.  Like, we totally weren't. He was 16. I was 18. Ew. Cougar status.
BUT! Now hes over 18. So, hes legal.
Freak! It's rainin' men! Somebody get me an umbrella!

The Struggle Is Real

So, the last time I wrote, it had sounded like things were going to get serious between me and Cade sooner rather than later. Psyche.  Nothing had really changed.  In fact, if anything, we've taken a step backwards.  It started when he asked me if I wanted to go watch General Conference with him and his family, the Saturday sessions anyway.  I didn't have any previous plans, so I figured, "why not?"  When I went over, we watched Conference, but I was sooo tired, because I had just had a 40 hour work week, so during the 2 hour break between sessions, I konked out on their couch.  I slept for most of the break, until he woke me up.  I forgot an important piece of information though.  Previously,  we had been talking about being "official", but what he ended up deciding was that he wanted to keep waiting.  So, I told him that I didn't want to keep acting like a couple if we weren't actually a couple.  Basically saying that he can't be all touchy-feely with me unless he commits.  Anyway, I digress.  During Conference, he was being all touchy-feely again, which was making me mad, so after the second session was over, I had to go to work, and when he walked me to the door, I said "So, about the whole, not acting like a couple if we're not a couple thing? It doesn't seem like it's going so well."  To which he responded: "Oh yeah.. sorry about that. You may need to remind me about that."  And after a short good-bye, I left.  I was extremely unhappy about the fact that he had totally forgotten about our agreement, so I thought to myself "To heck with everything.  I'm going on dates with all the guys who have expressed interest in taking me out."  And I've done that.  I went on 2 dates last week with different guys, and was supposed to have one on Saturday, but I ended up getting laryngitis from working myself too hard, so I couldn't go.  It was interesting though, on Saturday, Cade ended up calling me to ask if I was busy that night.  I wasn't, because my previous date had fallen through, so he asked if I wanted to go over to his place and watch a movie.  We ended up watching "The Italian Job" which was somewhat painfully predictable, but still a good movie, and then as he was about to take me home, he was talking about how they had had an Easter Egg hunt that morning in his complex, and they had hid like, 2000 eggs or something.  He was making a joke about how he was probably going to find more eggs around the complex, when suddenly I was like "There's one right there."  So he stopped his car, and I hopped out and got it.  He was most thoroughly impressed, which was rather pleasing.  That was Saturday.  Then, Sunday, he called and wanted to know if I wanted to get together, which I did, but I didn't hear from him for almost an hour, so I said "ok, whatever. I'm going to bed." to myself.  It was about 9:45, so I got up from the kitchen and walked back to my bedroom.  No joke, as soon as I got to my bedroom, my phone started ringing, and it was Cade.  He came over, and we talked in the kitchen for a good couple hours until he had to get back home.  During our conversation though, he was talking about how there was a speaker in his ward that day that, during his talk, suddenly said "You know, brothers and sisters, I love grace."  He was speaking about the principle of God's grace, but Cade's roommates all stared down the row at him when the speaker said that.  Cade told me about it, and I started getting suspicious, wondering if he was going to start using the "L" word.  He also asked me if I would go to FHE in his ward with him the next day, which was yesterday.  I said that I would, so last night, I went with him down to Mapleton, to a place where they had a barn and a pond to row canoes in, it was really fun, and super cute, I really liked it.  I kept telling Cade, whenever I would just look around at the place, "I want it."  And he would say "Noted."  After FHE was over, we went back to my house and were just talking about things again, but pretty soon he had to leave so he could get back to school and work on some homework with a friend of his.  As he was leaving, he asked me if he was doing better on 'not being so touchy', to which I said "I think that it's really hard for you to not be, but yes." And then I reminded him, "You can have it back when you're ready." To which he laughed and said "I haven't had anyone tell me that since I was like, 5." That brought up the subject of him not committing, so I said that I was still trying to understand his point of view, and I asked him if he was afraid of committing to someone in general.  He said he didn't think so, but he said "we'll have to talk about it sometime."  To which I immediately responded, "Alright, but you get to bring it up."  After he walked out the door, he said something about the comment made by the speaker in his ward about "loving grace."  So, I just asked him point blank.  "Do you?"  I think I surprised him with my question, because he came back up to the door.  He stood by the door frame as I was leaning against the semi-open door, and said "What exactly is the question?"  with a nervous laugh.  I smirked and just said "I'll let you stew over that one for a while."  And then he laughed nervously again, and said "Ok, I'm getting a cuteness overload, so I'm gonna go now."  I guess me leaning against the door looked really cute..? That covered a lot over the past couple weeks, but hopefully it gets the point across.

Baby Steps

So, yesterday was another interesting day. I had been getting so sick of waiting for Cade to make up his mind, that yesterday I was actually considering, very seriously, breaking up with him. But it would have been just "breaking up" because he hasn't even decided whether or not he wants to be with me. That was a large contributing factor in my frustration. I had started getting impatient with his slow decision-making, partially because I realized that there was an inconsistency in his behavior: when we first talked about being a couple, he was all for it. Now suddenly he's been much more wary and cautious. I was frustrated by that because I didn't understand why he was being so inconsistent. I talked with both my mom and my grandma about it, and both of them told me that I might just be being impatient and that it's ok that we've been taking this long. That didn't make me feel any better about it though, but I had a feeling that I needed to apologize to him about putting so much pressure on him, and I needed to just wait for the time to be right. Oddly enough, I had some of these impressions as I watched Cinderella with the girls in my family yesterday. I had been debating on whether or not I wanted to go dancing with Cade later that evening, but I decided to give it a go. So, we went swing dancing, which was actually really fun! He did really well, which I was impressed by. Earlier, he had said that after we were done dancing, he'd have to drop me off at home right away so he could get to a piano recital for someone in his ward. However, when he picked me up to go dancing, he asked me if I'd want to go to the recital with him. And he said very blatantly that he wanted me to go with him. So, I ended up going to the recital with him. It was sad though, at the end of the recital, my stomach was hurting so bad, I almost wanted to curl up and die. Getting back home was a struggle, but Cade was so kind and considerate, as I had to stop a few times because the pain got so bad. When we got to my house, he and I were talking about everything that had happened that night, and apparently, he had gotten a lot of positive comments from people about "how cute I was". One of which, I could see how it had happened, because the girl whom the compliment came from had made a bee-line straight toward him at a point when he had walked away from me temporarily. At first, when I had watched the spectacle, I had a spark of jealousy, but I realized I had no reason to feel threatened. Apparently, when she had made her bee-line, the first thing she had said was "ok. That girl is so CUTE!" or something to that extent. I'm prone to think that Cade was exaggerating. Towards the end of our conversation though, I spoke my mind about how I knew I had been putting a lot of pressure on him, and that I felt bad about it, because it was unnecessary. He responded by saying that more than being overwhelmed, he was simply amazed that I wanted it so badly because he didn't feel like I should want to be with him. I sometimes feel the same way about him, like I'm unworthy for him to have chosen to want to be with me.
The best part of the night though was when he surprised me. We were just about to part ways for the night, when his voice started to stutter a little, and he said "so..um...don't feel obligated to talk to any guys at church tomorrow. Like, don't feel like you have to.." which I knew was a tiny way of him saying "I want you to be mine." And even though he hasn't said it out loud yet, this gives me hope that that day isn't far off. I had an encompassing feeling of peace, and was glad that I had listened to the feeling I had that had told me to still be patient and wait for the time to be right.

Answers in disguise

Yesterday was an interesting day for me and Cade. He came over in the early afternoon while I was cleaning my car, and we hung out for a little while. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to Stake Conference, and he said he would like to, but at the same time, he said "I want to give those other guys a chance though." And when he said that, I'm pretty sure my eyes turned into daggers. I managed to maintain my composure, but once he left, I was fuming. I went to finish cleaning my car, and I was planning how I was going to break up with him. With his constant pushing for me to date other guys, I felt as if he was pushing me away. And I was sick and tired of it. Cade had said he would call me and tell me if he could come, but I didn't believe he was actually going to call me. I figured he would flake out and tell me he got busy. However, he called me at about quarter after 5, telling me he would be there. I was pleasantly surprised. During Conference, there were a lot of things that stood out to me, particularly about making decisions, counseling together, and that God loves me. All of those things were things that related to me and Cade. I knew that I needed to sit down and talk with him about everything, but I was scared and would have rather not.
After Conference though, we went back and watched a movie at his apartment, which was really fun. I was exhausted though. When he drove me home though, we were able to have a good, long discussion about what's been going on. He ended up telling me that when he would talk about giving the "other guys a chance", it was more of him saying "are you sure you want me?" And when he said that, my anger melted away, and I was filled with empathy. I understood why he said it so much. I was able to tell him that I was sure about my decision, and that he didn't need to second-guess that. It was a really important conversation that we had, and I know it was no coincidence that it happened the way it did.
After I was inside, I was thinking about all of it, and I had a thought that perhaps Cade was experiencing so much shyness and doubt so that I could learn to talk and bring up things that are concerning to me. I've never been good at that, so maybe this is Heavenly Father's plan - to help me learn how to communicate better, because I firmly believe that once Cade is married, he'll have no trouble talking about important things. I believe that very firmly. So, who knows? Only time will tell. He did promise me though that he would make an executive decision soon, which means he may decide that he does want to be exclusive. So, we'll find out soon enough!