Ok wow...

So, things have been taking an interesting turn. For the better though. Two Mondays ago, there was a guy I used to be in the same singles ward as, and he had asked me on a date. I said yes, but I did not expect it to go super well. I thought it'd be ok, but I wasn't expecting it to be amazing. But, holy cow, I was wrong. Like, so, SO wrong. It was probably one of the best dates I'd ever been on, mostly just because I felt so connected to him. Not like, physically, or sexually, but emotionally. I'd never really felt that before. With anyone. Instead of it seeming like it was a first date, it seemed like we'd been friends forever and just hadn't seen each other in a long time. So, that was a Monday, and the following Saturday, he asked me to go with him to a bonfire. But, Friday night, he surprised me, and asked if I'd like to get breakfast with him Saturday morning. The next morning, he came and got me and took me to the Black Bear Diner, which was super good. Oh my gosh, I forgot to give him a name. We'll call him Zach. Anyway, he came and got me that night, and we went up and had a bonfire with 2 other couples, and partway through the night, he held my hand, and put his arm around me, etc etc. And, that night he kissed me. We went on another couple dates, and we started talking about becoming an "official" couple. He asked me what I thought, and I didn't quite know how I felt. The next day, I was having a really important job interview, and Zach had a really important test that day as well. So, we decided to fast for each other, and we also decided to fast and see if we should pursue our relationship. Long story short, I got the job; unfortunately, he didn't pass his test; but we decided to go ahead and pursue the idea of "us". It's been the greatest thing. Last night, he took me to the temple, and it was a really, really good experience. Afterward, we were walking around the temple grounds, and he looked at me and said "are you hungry?" To which I emphatically answered "yes", and he said "well, we're all dressed up. How about we go somewhere nice?" So he took me Los Hermanos in Provo. It was super good. Anyway, yeah, that's the little details of our relationship. But I absolutely love spending time with him, I always have a good time, and we seem to be an almost perfect match... more to come later.

New Direction

So, for the next little while, I decided that this will be my recovery-venting-journal type thing. Over the past year, but this week especially, I've finally accepted that I'm a love addict and within the past week let myself go into withdrawal. It's literally Hell on earth. On Monday, I had a huge fight with my ninja dad over the fact that I'd still been looking up Samuel's pictures and such on Facebook, and every time I would look at them I'd think all about him and how great he was. Then, I saw a video of him dancing and I got super turned on by that... needless to say, ninja dad was pissed. He yelled at me, I yelled at him, whatever. We're still trying to even things out. Anyway, after that fight, I finally decided that I needed to unfriend him on Facebook so I could start to officially move on, so I did, and it opened the floodgates of withdrawal. And that's where the Hell on earth comes in. My emotions are so wacky and crazy, unpredictable and out of control, part of me really can't handle it and I feel so bad, I've had several serious suicide ideations, one of which was a crystal clear image of me taking my knife that Samuel helped me make, and dragging it up my wrist. Dramatic affect, obviously, with using the knife he helped me make. It's funny, I was watching an episode of The Vampire Diaries where Elena finally "turns her humanity back on" after having it turned "off", so she's finally feeling emotions, and I could relate very much to that.  I'm feeling things that I never thought I'd feel, and I don't know how to feel them, and be ok with feeling them. If there's one thing I know I want though, it's physical contact, with a man. And I'm having a really hard time keeping that one at bay.  In fact, there's a guy I work with at the pool who's 3 years younger than me but he always flirts with me, and I've seriously considered seeing if I can get him to make out with me, even though he's got a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a psycho, crazy, bi-atch at the moment.  I know I shouldn't do that, and I won't, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. He's got big shoulders, and I'm sure he could hold me really tight. Anyway, enough of that, that's just entertaining bad ideas. I'm really glad that my mom at least knows to keep a little distance with the whole recovery thing, since she has a lot of emotional investment in me, seeing as I'm her daughter, obviously.  My ninja dad is struggling with that and it's driving me crazy. He's been "trying to do what's best for me and keep his distance" but I can tell in the way he talks that he's not-so-silently hurting and so he wants me to be like "no, I need your help" so he can swoop in and save me but I'm tired of being saved. Or more, I'm tired of him expecting me to ask him to save me. It's not his job. Like, yesterday I was trying to tell him that maybe he's too invested in me to be able to take a step back from my recovery. He was saying "I'm never giving up on you." So I said "you can't make me get better" and he said "I'll repeat - I'm never giving up on you." So I just said it again. "You cannot make me get better." He didn't like that very much. Said he was worried that I was on a downward spiral. I was perfectly fine, I wasn't debating whether or not I was going to get better, it was just the "You can't make me" part that I was trying to emphasize. I don't think he picked up on it as well as I was hoping he would. I thought I was being pretty clear about it though. We'll see what else I'll have to do to get that across. Well, hopefully tonight I'll be able to get some sleep, seeing as I have to be at work way earlier than normal. Maybe I can start getting on a better schedule, finally. I need to figure out when I'm going to have my workout time. Hopefully talking to Weston about that tomorrow will help. I really hope I don't have another wet dream tonight. I had one last night, and as enjoyable as they are, it just makes it more and more obvious that I'm an odd-ball among women because in the research I did about them, it said that some women may be prone to have several a year. Several meaning what? I've had 2 in the past 2 weeks. I think I've already beat the statistics for "normal." Anyway, we'll find out come morning. However, if I were to have a dream about Damon Salvatore, I'd be pretty ok with that. Elena chose him, even after the Sire Bond was broken and she chose to not take the cure for vampirism. Yay!!! He's my favorite. Ok, I'm done.

Yeah, I'm crazy

So, I've finally kind of accepted that I'm a little crazy. It's taken me a little while to finally figure that out, but I can't pretend to hide it anymore. Especially for the past few days, I've been thinking about Samuel a ton, because he's coming back to Utah from Missouri in just a few weeks. Why do I care? Why in the heck do I care? He's probably not going to give a crap whether he sees me or not, so why am I thinking I want to try to see him again? It makes no sense. In fact, I've talked to my ninja dad about it and he kinda freaked out about it. It didn't help though. It just made me feel worse. We kinda fought about it for a while, and eventually we did come to terms, because I was finally able to explain what it was that I needed from him during that time of me being crazy and knowing I'm crazy. It's just hard, when I get all caught up thinking about him, and wanting things to go back to the way they were, it's like what they describe on The Vampire Diaries, when you're a vampire, everything is heightened, and you almost feel like you can't control yourself. That's how I feel. And trying to hold it inside myself almost makes it worse. It's like I just need someone to just make out with. Just once, or twice, idk, something. But no, I can't do that, because that's crazy. So, like I said, I'm kinda crazy..

Haunting Memories

This last week has been interesting. I think I start off most of my posts that way.. but, oh well. Here's my story for today: it was Friday night, I had had a super packed day working and I was really, really tired. I went over to my ninja family's house and crashed on their couch for a little while, and when I woke up I was talking to my ninja dad, and I had had a headache for a few hours so he was rubbing my temples to try to make my headache go away. In the middle of while he was rubbing my head, there was an instant where he way he touched me felt exactly like the way Samuel used to touch me. I started to get a little uneasy, having memories with Samuel start to flood through my head. And of course, none of the memories I had running through my head were good ones. If I'm being frank and honest, Samuel showed me a song by Queen once that had a line that said "I'm a sex machine" and I do think that was mostly true for him. He was a very sensual person. Like, it was a little scary now that I look back on it. So yeah, I tried keeping it to myself, but as I was on  my way home, I kept thinking about him a ton and when I got home I told my ninja dad about it. Of course he was concerned about it and wanted to more.
Let me give a little back story now. There were times when I'd be with Samuel and he'd act really seductively, but at the time I didn't just tolerate it, I actually really enjoyed it. For example, there was a time he was telling me that since he had taken a lot of anatomy classes, he knew how to get certain reactions out of me, like if he wanted to excite me, all he would really need to do is grab my hips and gently caress them. He tested it in practice on me as he was telling me the theory, and yes, it worked. My breath caught in my chest, and I kind of wanted to rip his shirt off. Or there was another time that I remember specifically where we were kissing, and he would use his almost abnormally large hands to grab onto my short ribs. It would illicit the same reaction from me, and I'd gasp a little bit, trying to breathe, and one time, he parted his lips barely far away enough from mine to whisper "I love the sound you make when I do that. It's exquisite." and his lips brushed mine as he spoke. It made me go crazy - totally crazy. Or the times when he would kiss my neck and it was literally like someone sent an electric shock through my whole body.
Anyway, I told my ninja dad a little bit about it, but then yesterday night we went bowling as a form of a "daddy-daughter" date, and there was a guy in the lane next to us that, when he bowled, he looked just like Samuel, and it was driving me nuts and throwing my groove off in a seriously crappy way. I don't think I've mentioned that, for me, when those memories would surface, it was almost like I was literally re-living every one of them. Even though it was just in my head, I'd feel his hand on my hips, or on my short ribs, or his lips brushing against mine. It makes no sense to me. In fact, it kinda freaks me out and I don't like it. So anyway, when we were done bowling, my ninja dad could tell I was off, so he asked me about it and I told him what was up. I told him about how it's such a struggle that it's been over 6 months since we broke up, we only dated for 3 weeks, and I'm still not over him because, somehow, he ignited a fire in me that for some reason only burns for him. And the memories that go through my head only fan the flame. So then that brought up the topic of how I tend to feel things deeper than most people in every way. My ninja dad mentioned that perhaps this is one reason why he had such an impact on me that I can't seem to get over. I was a little surprised that he had caught on to how I feel things deeper than most, because I was starting to think that it was just me that thought that. I didn't know that it was something that other people could see. It was a little relieving though, honestly, to have it reaffirmed that I'm not just nuts, but that maybe this is a real thing that I have that makes me different. I mean, yeah, it sucks right now, but it does bring me a little comfort in thinking that eventually I'll find a man who can handle that part of me and will actually love that about me. In fact, I think he'll be a very happy man thanks to the fact that I think differently than most women.. who knows? This little thing about me may end up being a very good thing.