This is the story of how I died...

You're probably dying to know how it ends right?
I'll tell you.
Something just hit me, hard. To the point where I think I might either eat so much I gain 150 pounds from depression and die, or lose 150 pounds from depression and die.

I have 3 days left till I have to tell Nick good-bye...

I'm only going to see him one more time...


One.


More.



Time...

And on another note, I don't know if I'm even gonna actually get to see him, because for some reason things always fall through for us.
I'm praying to God with all my soul that this one doesn't.
I don't care if I don't hold his hand.
I don't care if he doesn't kiss me.
I don't care if it's only 5 minutes!!
I just want to see him... one last time... before I have to draw on only my memory of his face. Before I have to wonder if things will actually work out, or if I'll be sending him word of my engagement to somebody else...
It's hard to tell.
I don't know what's going to happen. I can only put my trust in the Lord that He knows where I'm going, even if I don't.
That's the only thing I have left... almost. Of course I have wonderful girlfriends and sisters who've got my back, but still, there's so much hurt, if I don't hold on for dear life, there's no telling what might happen to me.
I must say this though.
I am so proud of Nick for choosing to go on a mission. For turning his life around so he was ready to go on a mission. For teaching me the importance of relying on God when I feel lonely, because without that assurance that I have somebody there, I might have caved when it came time to say good-bye.
He's so strong.
He's so righteous.
And it does nothing but make me...love him...all the more...
That's all there is to it..
I love him.
Whether only as my friend, or more, I can't deny it or hide it anymore. I won't tell him, but I can't deny to myself what I feel.
That's the truth.
Perhaps I won't die after all...