Music

It's taken a while for me to decide what my favorite love song is as of late. Most of them, I can't stand listening to because they remind me of Ty.  

One that has been sort of rejuvenating is Rainbow by Colbie Caillat, because it talks about how she doesn't know when she's gonna find the one who's perfect for her, but it doesn't mean she won't stop looking.  It's almost like Michael Buble's "Just Haven't Met You Yet", but from a woman's perspective :) 

I like it.

But, the love song that I can't listen to without getting a little teary is Michael's "Hold On"

For any of you who haven't heard that song before, it's a MUST HAVE on your playlists.

The main message is that when life gets tough, and things just aren't working out the way you want them to,

"You have someone here that you can wrap your arms around..."

Oh my gosh, I love this song so much.

It's made it to the list of possibilities for my first dance with my husband at my reception.

And just for the record, I don't actually think about my future wedding very much.

But, I think it would be sooo sweet to do the dance-thingy the traditional way, where the bride dances with her father FIRST, and then her husband taps him on the shoulder and he kind of hands her over to him.  You know, the whole "he's giving her to him" thing.

Oh my gosh, I'm gonna cry!

I'm so sappy!!!

I have decided another thing though... When I dance with my dad, we're gonna dance to "Butterfly Kisses."  I don't know who it's by, but I'm going to find out, because it's perfect.  Another possibility was "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift, but that one kind of got nixed because I didn't grow up on a farm, and I didn't have that many outings with my dad when I was younger.  We didn't have all that great of a relationship...

I do love the line that says "Now I know why all the trees change in the fall, I know you were on my side even when I was wrong, and I love you for giving me your eyes, and staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you know, but I'm taking this chance to say that I had the Best Day with you today."

It's the last line of the song and I actually used to cry when I heard it.

I cry over everything...

Holy crap.

Nothing makes love like music :)

I can't think of a title...

So, I figured as my last post, I mentioned how I was gonna go hang out with Peter, and I was kinda nervous about it, I should tell you how it went.

It went very well.

In fact, we've been hanging out every day this week because he's just sooo fun to be around! It's so easy to talk to him, and be myself, because, I've admitted it many times:

I am a nerd.

So is he.

Yesterday, we watched Star Wars III and VI.

Probably like, the best movie night ever, because Star Wars rocks :) 

Plus, I've kind of decided to start collecting superhero t-shirts, and he told me later that I shouldn't have told him that, because he's started adding to my collection already.

So, I have Superman, Batman, Captain America, and now the Green Lantern.

I'm pretty excited! 

We'll see how many I have when I'm done.

Haha I think it could be a pretty awesome hobby.

So, yeah, he's been a super awesome friend, and he's a good cuddle-buddy too...

I don't think anything romantic will happen between us, but that's ok.

I am kind of sad for him though.. 

He had the biggest crush on this girl up here, she was his first kiss, and he used to talk about her all the time, but now she's dating someone else because I guess he freaked her out because he's a really big flirt.. 

But he told me that he's ok with it, because "she wanted more than he was willing to give (physically)" 

It does make me a little nervous though, because a couple days ago, when I was with him, he was filling out one of those "100 things about me!" survey thingys, and the question was "do you have a crush on someone?" and I couldn't quite hear what he said, but from where I was, it sounded like "Yes," but I'm not sure...

Even moreso, I don't know who he would be talking about unless it was me...

Nervousy?

Yes.

Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody!!!

I don't know about you guys, but my Christmas was awesome :)

But. 

There is something of dire importance I must share.

So, last time, I posted about Peter and Rayray (bleh) and anywho, me and Peter have been talking quite a bit since he moved down to college, I think I already said that, but he came back home for the holidays, and he asked me if we could hang out while he's up here, so I told him yeah, we can go to lunch sometime.

We're going tomorrow.

But yeah, so, a while back, he told me that the way to tell if he's starting to hit on a girl is if he calls them "cute" all the time, or "cutie", etc etc.

He told me I wouldn't ever need to worry about it because we weren't like that.

UNTIIIIIILLLLL

This past week, he's been calling me "cute" all. the time.

So yeah, I don't really know what to think of it.  I mean, he even asked me if I would consider moving down to his college with him so he can "protect me" and whatnot, to which I answered:

"I don't think I need that much protection." 

and he kind of backed off.

But yeah...I don't really know what to do about it, because it's really starting to bug me.  He's got this other girl.  He needs to just go after her and stop coming after me! 

If that's even what he's doing, which it really seems that he is...

We'll find out.

P.S. What'ch'yall think of the new background/layout? Let me know what you think!

Girls = Sometimes REALLY Stupid

Ok, so.. If you've all read my "about the author" section, you know that I started this blog to talk about my love life until I finally find Mr. Right and marry him.  I got that idea from a friend back in highschool.  She said she probably wouldn't use it so I should just use it, but, yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine who dated said friend who gave me the idea for this blog.  Her name (said friend) is Rayray.  Not really, duh, but you know.

His name is...Peter...

So anyway, Rayray treated Peter absolutely horribly.  And this is my former best friend we're talking about.  I mean, he treated her like a princess, like, he was the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she completely walked all. over. him. 

Exhibit A: Her first boyfriend from highschool had moved, so things didn't work out between them, but then I guess he moved back here, and first thing she did was break up with Peter and go and "do it." with her ex. 

Let's just say I was pre-tty pissed and told her off for it.  Their "relationship" lasted about a week, then she realized he wasn't what she wanted, so she broke up with him and went back to Peter.  

He took her back because he was deeply in love with her...But anyway, so she just kept treating him horribly, and he didn't trust her anymore (obviously) and eventually she couldn't stand it and they broke up.

Now, they're going to college at the same college and she's been constantly asking him if they can hang out and whatnot, and she persuaded him at the beginning of the semester to "do it" with her again, which he feels awful about.  

(Speaking of which, she stole his virginity, by the way)

So anyway, he's finally done putting up with her crap and has been steadily erasing her out of his life, which i'm very proud of him for doing, because he does not need that in his life.

It's almost horrible to admit that this girl used to be my BEST FRIEND!!! And now, if you'll pardon me, she's turned into a total whore!!!!

Makes me wanna screeeeeaaaam!

Either I was stupid to even call her my best friend, or she's just stupid. Period.

So anyway, the point I was getting at is, yeah, I got the idea of my blog from her, and la-di-da it was all just fine and dandy till I was talking to Peter yesterday and he was telling me that Rayray has this blog now and she mentioned something about him on it, so I was like "ooooh..." -.- "she better not have copied my idea."

So I told him to send me a link to her blog, and today I went to check it out.

Guess what the title is?

"Take a Number Boys".

Although, correctly, it would be "Take a Number, Boys"

Emphasis on GRAMMAR!!!

Sure yeah, I get lazy and start using horrible grammar/spelling, but when I want to I can sound really intelligent. 

So yeah, Take a Number Boys is her blog for finding her "Prince Charming", but it doesn't sound like she's going to find one anytime soon.  

Let's compare.

Me: The last love interest I had was Nick. He's #2 for me.

Rayray: She is on #11...

Me: I've slept with 0 guys, and I intend to keep it that way until I'm married

Rayray: She's slept with... I've lost count.  It's probably up to about 8 or 9, but most likely more.

If you ask me, I'd say she's thinking it of more as "Take a Number and I'll sleep with you when it's your turn," because that's kind of the person she's become.  She sleeps around.  A lot.

Am I sorry for her?

Yes.

Do I think she's a complete idiot?

Absolutely.

Do I think she'll ever settle down and find a 'Prince Charming'?

no...

So, in a sense, I'm just kinda mad because she's copying the idea that she gave to me which I've been faithfully keeping up to date and showing how much I've changed and matured over the years, and how I'm preparing myself to finally meet my Prince Charming by NOT selling myself out to every guy who pretends to have interest in me, and she's just griping and complaining about how nobody's perfect for her, which, by the way, means someone who will let her do whatever the heck she wants and get away with it.  Someone who doesn't expect commitment from her, faithfulness, integrity, kindness, or anything virtuous by any means.
So yeah... point taken?

Girls can be really stupid.

Commitment

Ok, so, for the past few weeks, I don't know if I've posted anything about it before, but Nathan (if you remember him from before) has been asking me constantly, and i mean CONSTANTLY if I'd be ok with him kissing me.

Uuuuuuhhhmmm...

No?

NO!!!

The first time he mentioned it, I wanted to scream at him!  

But.

The hard thing is... lately, I've had this weird feeling.. the feeling of wanting to be kissed by someone, almost to the point of not caring who the heck it is.  Just, you know, somebody! But, I've managed to keep myself sane and logical enough to realize that's a really stupid idea.  It's still been really hard, and in fact, it keeps getting harder.  But, I'm not gonna be one of those lip sluts that goes around kissing everybody.  

Because, unlike some people, I believe a kiss is something that is special.  It's a commitment of love to the person you choose to give it to.  Not quite so sacred as those divine powers given to us to be able to create life, but it's the precursor.  It helps you find the one that you can share the rest of your life with.  But that doesn't mean you have to try it out on everything that walks on two legs. (And is of the opposite gender, please.)

That's one thing I've seen more and more in this world.  A lack of commitment. Everyone just watches out for themselves, and if something isn't their definition of "good for me", they leave it behind in the dust.

Wake up call!

There are gonna be lots of things in life that won't necessarily be your definition of "good for me." But that's the whole point of the whole concept of "endure to the end."  It means stick it out through the hard times, because you'll get kicked and beaten down sometimes, but stand back up and face it.  

This world has too many cowards as it is. 

Don't be one of them.

Heart to Heart with an Ex...?

So, a couple days ago, Ty asked me if I would come talk to him sometime, so I said that I would talk to him today.  Better to have it over with sooner, right?  

So I met him at a park we always used to go to as a couple and we took a really long walk around the whole place. All the while, he was trying to get me to talk about why I've been feeling the way I have, but it wasn't really getting anywhere, partially because it was frigid, and I just didn't know what to tell him.

So then he asked if I wanted to sit in his car and talk there, which made me kinda nervous, but I said "ok".  We drove over to this pond he goes to (quite often apparently) and we kept talking. 

He asked what parts of his "new personality" I didn't like, and I said that he's been acting kinda like a player, because there was this new girl that he'd always talk about, but when he first met her, he said that he'd decided to "put himself back out there" and look for another girlfriend, but he said it "wasn't hard to find somebody", and something I'd said to him about that before was "You treat finding a girlfriend like shopping for a new pair of shoes."

There were several other points I had complaints about. The biggest one being that I felt he really didn't give a crap about how I felt.  

He asked me to expound on that point and I talked about how he basically just dropped me like a rock, and he said he hadn't intended on doing that, but he got really mad and acted on it, and that's what happened. 

So then he asked me how he could help me feel better, and I said "I don't know, because part of me doesn't want to feel better." and he actually looked legitimately concerned and asked why in the world I wouldn't want to feel happy, and I said that wasn't what I meant.  I want to feel happy, but there were some things my subconscious was wanting that I wouldn't let it have because I'm afraid of getting hurt again.  I wouldn't tell him exactly what I meant, but he assumed I meant having another relationship. That wasn't it though, and as I thought about it, I got a little teary-eyed..

He knew I still had some pent up feelings of anger, and he said he wanted me to just let it all out.

"If I were to let out all my pent up feelings, I'd probably punch you."  I'd responded.

"Go ahead."  He challenged, and I declined, because I can't find it in myself to punch people..  but he asked me if I still felt hatred for him.  I said no.  Then he asked me if I felt malice, or a whole bunch of other 'M' words which expressed hatred or anger.  I said I didn't feel any of them, but the word I was thinking did start with 'M', so then he wouldn't leave the subject alone, because he couldn't come up with any other 'M' words.

I couldn't make myself say it, and he asked why, and I said "Because I'd have to admit it to myself too." More tears started welling up in my eyes, and still, he waited to hear what it was.

"I miss you..." I said quietly.

He didn't respond for several seconds, but afterward, he replied just as quietly: "I understand." Then he kept talking about how that was why he was trying to fix things. All the while, I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face.

I'd only made eye contact with him maybe twice through this whole conversation, but suddenly I felt his hand on my shoulder and couldn't control the way my body reacted. I jumped and cringed away, leaning into the door, the once small tears turning into sobs, and he said "It's ok.." and moved his hand to just below my neck on my back. Eventually, I kind of melted away from the door and leaned down, but not completely in half.  He kept his hand on my back, but nothing more than that, until I had completely regained my composure, then he took his hand away.  

He drove me back to where we had parked, and he asked me where I thought we were in terms of "friends", and if he'd helped me feel any better, and I said I did feel a bit better, and in terms of being friends, I felt like we're "getting there."  

He opened my door for me when I got out of his car, and before he got back in his own car, I asked him if I could have a hug, which he willingly gave me, then we both got in our cars and went our separate ways.