Happy Ending #1

So, I just wanted to make a note about this.

My dear dear friend who lives next door to me just got ENGAGED!!!

Mind you, she's probably 60...ish... years old. She was married once and the dude turned out to be totally manipulative and crap, so she got divorced.. Sad story.

BUT

she's been dating this guy for several months, and finally, she got the "Ok" from above that she should marry him!

(He'd been asking her to marry him probably every day for about a month anyway...)

I'm a little sad though, cuz after she gets married she's probably going to move... I'll find some way to keep in contact with her.

I'm just so happy that she's gonna get her Happily Ever After, cuz she sooo deserves it :)

Waking Up

Today, I did a momentous thing.  

I got rid of everything Ty ever gave me, except for the little Teddy Bear he gave me, which I named Pierre.. I can't find it in me to part with the little guy yet. 

It was a little easier than I thought it would be, but it was still really hard.  Hard enough that as soon as I let go of the box and it fell into the trash can, I broke into tears and had to take a really long walk.  I had expected the rest of today to be really really hard, and that I wouldn't be able to get my mind off of getting rid of everything, and that I'd be filled with regret about it, but as I was on my walk, my dad texted me, asking where I was.

I had forgotten to tell my parents where I was going, so I was hoping I wasn't about to get in trouble. I told him I was out walking and asked if he needed me home, and he said:

"No, but there's a letter here from someone named 'Elder'." 

Immediately it felt like my heart leapt in my chest!

"I'll be home in a minute."  I responded, then ran home in my jeans, mocasins, and flannel button-up shirt. It didn't go that well, honestly, but I had to get home! 

As soon as I was in the house, I tried to walk casually to my room, but hurried a little too quickly.  The letter was there on my bed, and I opened it and read, relishing in every word on the paper.  

It would definitely seem as though God knew exactly what to send me today.  I was at the lowest of lows, but he sent me a little reminder that someone's out there who cares about me as much as He does :)

This makes 8 letters from Nick.

Dreaming With a Broken Heart

My last post was about a mysterious guy that I was sort of seeing, but sort of not.

A lot of things have happened since then.

First of all, I didn't tell my parents anything that was happening with this guy.. I was pretty positive that they didn't like him, so I didn't say anything.. I still wouldn't have said anything even if we had decided to date.  Or at least, that's what I thought.  

I'd been having a little bit of anxiety about the whole thing in general, but it only got worse as time went on.  Two days ago, I had a bad fight with my mom. One that ended with me in tears, which actually isn't too uncommon.  Not that she's so cruel and abusive that it makes me cry, but just because I'm very sensitive, and I hate fighting with my mom, so it always makes me emotional...

After we had fought, I went to my room, and after a while, she came and found me and we talked things over.  I took the opportunity to tell her that I'd been feeling awfully lonely again, so I'd been talking to M&M, and said that he'd been asking me to do more things with him (hanging out-wise) and I'd been more inclined to say yes because I wanted company.  

She immediately responded by telling me that that wasn't a good idea, and said that when I'd gone to spend some time with him the first time, when she actually knew where I was going, when she had told my dad, he flipped out...

That being said, I knew I had to tell M&M that I didn't know how things were going to work.  I couldn't keep our relationship a secret forever, and when they found out, they would definitely freak out...

I texted him, telling him that when he got a minute, I needed to talk to him. 

He got back to me within the hour, and asked if I wanted him to call me.  I said yes, and we talked on the phone for half an hour.  He asked me if I was doing ok after the fight with my mom, and then I told him the main problem... He said he didn't really know what to do about it, because if we had decided to get together, he said I would need to tell my parents everything that was going on.  I said I didn't know if I could..We went on like that for probably 10 minutes, before he asked me if I felt we should pursue our present course.  

Reluctantly, I told him that I didn't know how it could ever work..

He asked if I was sure, and I said yes...

This whole time, I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

He told me he understood why I felt the way I did, and he didn't blame me at all.  If he had been in my parents situation, he would have reacted the same way.  But, he said if we were going to cut off all pursuit on a relationship, it would be really difficult to keep contact with each other...

I knew what he meant.

As soon as we hung up the phone, I wouldn't hear from him again.

He asked me to try to be happy, and if I would be alright.

"Maybe not today... but eventually."  I said.

"Promise?"  He asked.

"Yeah.."

"Really?" He pressed.

"I promise."  I said through shuddered breaths as I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue.

"Ok.  Well, hopefully I'll talk to you sometime in the future."  He said, and we said good-bye.

Not even a minute after we got off the phone, I received this text:

"I just want to say real fast (this isn't me trying to alter your thoughts on things) I still have deep deep feelings for you and I always will... I think you're amazing and I'm sorry you're going through what you are... but smile and be happy! Things are going to work out ok!  I promise!"

I responded that I would try my hardest, to which he said:

":) thanks, that'll help me oh so much... bye Grace."

That day was full of nothing but tears.. Yesterday wasn't much better. I was going through everything he gave me, deciding if I should keep anything, because a good friend of mine had said it would be good to keep 1 thing.  I had been having a lot of trouble deciding what to keep, but going through the box of stuff, I took out Pierre, the Teddy Bear he'd given me, and my mind was made up.  

I clutched the bear to my chest, and more tears fell from my eyes.  I couldn't help it, I kept it with me that night as I went to sleep, and held it close to me all through the night.  My dreams were filled with memories, and even wishes of the boy who would never come back.

Suddenly, I've been pushed back to square one, only this time, I'm debating whether to say it's better or worse.  6 months ago, the parting was bitter and cut short.  This time, it was bittersweet and there were no hard feelings.  Which is worse? Hating the one who leaves, because now you're hurt, or longing for the one you can't have?

I have yet to figure that out.

And I'm assuming you've figured out the identity of the mystery man.

M&M = Ty

Mystery Man

Ok... 

sooo...

I may or may not have started kind of seeing somebody. We're not dating...yet. We haven't decided.

I'm not gonna say much about him, because, pretty much nobody knows about this except for 2 people that I told, because I was confused and wondered if it would be a good idea to start seeing this guy.

I mean.. he's kind, he laughs, he loves to tease, he takes me out for hazelnut hot chocolate all the time (which is my favorite,) he's empathetic, he's strong, he knows what to do when I'm upset (most of the time,) and a lot of other stuff that is making me more attracted to him... although half of me is saying "don't do it, don't do it, you're gonna get yourself hurt again."

I don't know what to do...

We've given it a month to decide if we really want to date. 

Until then, we're just kinda gonna spend time together, and see if things go one way or the other.  If we really like each other, or if we can't stand each other.  

Idk, I guess we'll see more about it in a month.

We'll call Mystery Man "M&M"

So, yesterday, I was over at M&M's house.  I never told my parents where I was going... they thought I was going somewhere else. That's how paranoid I am about this whole shpeal...

So, yeah, we went over to his house, and we started watching Transformers III. I was sitting on one end of the couch, he was sitting on the other end.  We stayed like that for a while, and then he kinda grabbed my ankles and held my feet in his lap, which tickled, although I didn't tell him that.  We sat like that and talked for a while, then he got up and stood right beside me.  I stared up at him rather nervously, but he waved his arms in a "scoot over" way, so I did, and he sat behind me, and I leaned into his side.  His arms wrapped around me, and I smirked as his fingers grazed through my hair and around my ear.

"You're not wearing earrings." He said

"I know." I commented, and he shrugged.

"Ok, then."  He grinned.  

The movie continued on, with exchanges of playful banter between he and I, which usually resulted in him laughing.  A low, gravelly laugh that sounded rather menacing, but was strangely attractive. Also, he was also stroking my hair, or my jaw, or my arms.  When he stroked my arms, it sent tingles through my whole body, and he only tried to tickle me under my arm once, and I squealed, curling into a fetal position with my hands in my armpits.  And he laughed at me. 

After Transformers was over, we went and got hot chocolate, and all while we were walking, we never held hands, or even really touched, or anything. Then went back to his house and watched Mars Needs Moms.  We cuddled on the couch the whole time, but never more than that.  

I had to leave before 11, and when we went outside so he could walk me to my car, he complained that I was walking too fast.  When we got to my car, we hugged twice, and he asked me if we can do something next week, and I said maybe, then I got in my car and went home.

I'm still a bit confused about it.  We'll see what happens over the next few weeks...

Beat'cha!

Haha ok, so, I'm kind of blog-stalking Rayray, mostly just because it's fun...

Most recent news is she finally went up and talked to this guy in one of her classes, but turns out he's 8 years older than her.

I never thought I'd say this, but I have her beat in that category.  Biggest age difference between me and a date was 10 years.  

Did I know? 

Not till after the date.  

Was it weird? 

Yes. 

Was it fun though? 

Yes.  

Would I do it again? 

No..

I don't think I ever wrote about that, actually... I'll have to come back to it.  But yeah.  Also, in the post, she talked about how "#12" decided to get back together with his ex after she kinda dumped him, because "I guess most guys just need that commitment."

DUH!!!

You're out of highschool! This is college! People date SERIOUSLY in college, because they're trying to find someone to MARRY!

Haha, another phrase that comes to mind is "Am I doomed to just choose one guy and commit to him for a while just to get bored and leave him?"

If that's not the most whore-ish question in the history of questions, I don't know what is.  I mean, this girl has nooo perspective on the concept of actual love.  I honestly think she has no idea what that even is. 

Yes, we're all "doomed" to choose ONE PARTNER in life, if you actually want to be happy.  Otherwise, you end up as something...not so good...like a prostitute.

Yeah, sorry. Being blunt there..