Dreaming With a Broken Heart

My last post was about a mysterious guy that I was sort of seeing, but sort of not.

A lot of things have happened since then.

First of all, I didn't tell my parents anything that was happening with this guy.. I was pretty positive that they didn't like him, so I didn't say anything.. I still wouldn't have said anything even if we had decided to date.  Or at least, that's what I thought.  

I'd been having a little bit of anxiety about the whole thing in general, but it only got worse as time went on.  Two days ago, I had a bad fight with my mom. One that ended with me in tears, which actually isn't too uncommon.  Not that she's so cruel and abusive that it makes me cry, but just because I'm very sensitive, and I hate fighting with my mom, so it always makes me emotional...

After we had fought, I went to my room, and after a while, she came and found me and we talked things over.  I took the opportunity to tell her that I'd been feeling awfully lonely again, so I'd been talking to M&M, and said that he'd been asking me to do more things with him (hanging out-wise) and I'd been more inclined to say yes because I wanted company.  

She immediately responded by telling me that that wasn't a good idea, and said that when I'd gone to spend some time with him the first time, when she actually knew where I was going, when she had told my dad, he flipped out...

That being said, I knew I had to tell M&M that I didn't know how things were going to work.  I couldn't keep our relationship a secret forever, and when they found out, they would definitely freak out...

I texted him, telling him that when he got a minute, I needed to talk to him. 

He got back to me within the hour, and asked if I wanted him to call me.  I said yes, and we talked on the phone for half an hour.  He asked me if I was doing ok after the fight with my mom, and then I told him the main problem... He said he didn't really know what to do about it, because if we had decided to get together, he said I would need to tell my parents everything that was going on.  I said I didn't know if I could..We went on like that for probably 10 minutes, before he asked me if I felt we should pursue our present course.  

Reluctantly, I told him that I didn't know how it could ever work..

He asked if I was sure, and I said yes...

This whole time, I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

He told me he understood why I felt the way I did, and he didn't blame me at all.  If he had been in my parents situation, he would have reacted the same way.  But, he said if we were going to cut off all pursuit on a relationship, it would be really difficult to keep contact with each other...

I knew what he meant.

As soon as we hung up the phone, I wouldn't hear from him again.

He asked me to try to be happy, and if I would be alright.

"Maybe not today... but eventually."  I said.

"Promise?"  He asked.

"Yeah.."

"Really?" He pressed.

"I promise."  I said through shuddered breaths as I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue.

"Ok.  Well, hopefully I'll talk to you sometime in the future."  He said, and we said good-bye.

Not even a minute after we got off the phone, I received this text:

"I just want to say real fast (this isn't me trying to alter your thoughts on things) I still have deep deep feelings for you and I always will... I think you're amazing and I'm sorry you're going through what you are... but smile and be happy! Things are going to work out ok!  I promise!"

I responded that I would try my hardest, to which he said:

":) thanks, that'll help me oh so much... bye Grace."

That day was full of nothing but tears.. Yesterday wasn't much better. I was going through everything he gave me, deciding if I should keep anything, because a good friend of mine had said it would be good to keep 1 thing.  I had been having a lot of trouble deciding what to keep, but going through the box of stuff, I took out Pierre, the Teddy Bear he'd given me, and my mind was made up.  

I clutched the bear to my chest, and more tears fell from my eyes.  I couldn't help it, I kept it with me that night as I went to sleep, and held it close to me all through the night.  My dreams were filled with memories, and even wishes of the boy who would never come back.

Suddenly, I've been pushed back to square one, only this time, I'm debating whether to say it's better or worse.  6 months ago, the parting was bitter and cut short.  This time, it was bittersweet and there were no hard feelings.  Which is worse? Hating the one who leaves, because now you're hurt, or longing for the one you can't have?

I have yet to figure that out.

And I'm assuming you've figured out the identity of the mystery man.

M&M = Ty