"I miss my missionary"?

There's a Facebook group titled that.

What the heck.

I don't really know how to express how I feel about that.

I think it's kind of pathetic, honestly...

For one, it's stupid to wait for a missionary in general. 

I told Nick I'm not waiting for him, and I haven't been.

I dated Fidget, after all.

But, it didn't work out.  

So what?

There's even a blog called "waiting for an LDS missionary"

and it had this thing on it that was all about advice to give to girls

that are waiting for a missionary.

One of the things it said for the missionary was "Write to her at least once a week."

What?

At least?

No.

Their focus needs to be on the Work.

Not on their little girlyfriend that they left at home.

If it's right, it'll work out.

There doesn't need to be any of this 

"But I'm sure he's the right one, I need to wait."

Most of the time, you're wrong.

If he's the right one, good for you.

I hope you're right.

I don't know, it's kind of a foggy subject in the church. 

Everyone has different opinions about it.

Well, that's mine.

Takes one to take offense. Takes two to fight.

Well, tonight was quite the night.

Had my first real fight with Fidget. 

And I will just say it now, I'm glad I already broke

up with him, because if i hadn't on Monday, I would 

have tonight.

Definitely.

Since we "broke up" I've tried to keep in contact, 

you know, let him know that I still care about what 

he's up to. But it seems every time I tried, he got more and

more distant and reluctant to talk to me.

So then today, I was asking him if he went to see the Hobbit,

and he said yes, so I was like "Dang it, everyone is 

seeing it before me!"

and he was like

"well then go see it."

And I said "I can't, I have other things I have to do."

And his response was "Then stop complaining."

I mean, really?

Rude.

I tried to overlook it though, but earlier he posted about

the Hobbit on his Facebook, and was like "it brought me back

to childhood."

Every time I talked to him, Harry Potter was always his childhood movie.

So that kind of pissed me off.

Joking, I said "Hey, Lord of the Rings was MY childhood, not yours :P lol"

but his response was still super defensive.  This is basically how the 

conversation went, and how the fight started.

Fidget: Excuse me, I have many childhood memories and I don't need you telling me what mine were.

 

Me: Pardon, how many times did I hear "Harry Potter was my thing, it was what I grew up with"? Like, a gazillion.

Fidget: And I don't think I ever mentioned that I loved Lord of the Rings (Harry Potter is better still for me) and I did grow up on Lord of the Rings. So it is also MY thing.

Me: Nope. Not so.

  Fidget: K whatever, this is stupid. Lord of the Rings is good, but I love Harry Potter more. But I did grow up on Lord of the Rings and I don't need you telling me that I didn't.

This was when I got off the comments and messaged him.

Me: Dude, what the heck is your deal.

Fidget: What is yours?

Me: I'm not even being serious, I'm joking around. Will you stop being so defensive?

Fidget: I don't know sarcasm through computers Grace.

or texting.

Me: bull. we've had conversations like this over text and FB several times and you've never acted like this before.

Fidget: don't bull me. I do not appreciate the way I have been treated over the last like week. So I am getting pretty defensive.

I am getting treated like I am stupid, don't matter any time I say anything, etc. It is pretty much making me defensive.

Me: have i been treating you like that?

Fidget: A little bit yes. I have been treated like I am stupid any time I say anything- your roll your eyes and you treat me like I just said the stupidest thing ever. That is a huge pet peeve of mine so I get pretty defensive.

Me: dude, the last time i saw you in the last week was yesterday.

Fidget: Talking too, through text and even when we were dating. I let it slide a lot of the time...

because I didn't want a fight...

Me: we were never officially dating. you never asked me.

Fidget: K well kissing, snuggling and holding hands means nothing I guess...it doesn't always have to be a question, its actions too.

When he said that, it was pretty obvious to me that he never had any intention of ever actually asking me to be his girlfriend. It was all just words to him. Empty promises. But I figured I should be the bigger person and not be like "Well YOU did this and this and this, and I didn't like it, blah blah blah."

Me: Do you think it was easy for me to tell you what I told you on Monday?

It wasn't easy at all. It was a really hard thing for me to do, because all of that stuff really meant a lot.

Fidget: I know it meant a lot to me too, which is why I needed some friends over all day MOnday and Tuesday. I have been depressed all week because of it. Which might also be why I am defensive.

Me: Yeah, I've been struggling too. You're not the only one.

Fidget: I know that, but then it hurts more when you are texting me all the time.

Me: do you want me to leave you alone? you said you didn't want this to be awkward.

Fidget: I didn't...it just hurts...you know?

Me: yeah, i do. very much so.

Fidget: I have felt sick to my stomach all this week. I probably would have taken it better if I had gotten a LOT more sleep and if editing wasn't killing me and causing more problems.

I was only half "listening" to what he said, because I didn't care to hear about how difficult of a time he's having, and so he always has to have friends around, etc etc. Ty did the exact same thing.

Me: yeah, I didn't want to tell you on Monday because you had so many other things on your mind, but then you guessed it anyway.

Fidget: I know...i know when something is wrong or perhaps I know you too well. Let's just say this fight never happened? I am still very sleep deprived...I had a stupid meeting this morning at 5:50 AM until 9 AM and I didn't get home from the Hobbit until like 3 last night...and then sleep overs with Brady (we pulled two all nighters, huh...haha) and so I have gotten zero sleep for the last two weeks. I am dying...literally. haha

To be totally honest, I don't care what he's been doing to himself, why he's "dying." If he's not nice to me, I'm not gonna be nice back. 

Me: I'll try to pretend it never happened, cuz you've been kind of a jerk today.

Fidget: well you haven't been the easiest person to get along with either, not just me. takes two to make a fight.

Me: takes one to take offense.

Fidget: k you know what this is really dumb. just forget it. this fight did happen, I am trying to be the Christ like person here and then you go off saying I am a jerk so I have to get defensive again.

your never wrong anyways, your as stubborn as a mule, especially the whole Peter thing just proves that point.

The whole "I'm trying to be Christ-like" thing is exactly what his sister would say. I wonder where she gets it... I had to try sooo hard to not just explode at him. All I managed was:

Me: thanks.

Fidget: ya, thanks for calling me a jerk too.

your welcome.

 That one stabbed pretty deep too, because I'd told him that the "You're welcome" phrase at the end of a fight or a really good stab at someone is something I'm always tempted to do, but I never do it.

And this is why.

It killed me when he said it.

Because it basically says "I'm not sorry for what I said, you can go die."

He got off of Facebook after that, and I texted him and said "Do you really want to end on that note?"

We had another long talk and he just said he needs time to cool down, and I do too, obviously. Not so much because of things I said, but mostly I just need time to stop feeling like I want to curl up and die because of the things he said.

I mean, my walls are back up.

That did it.

Hopefully he'll never ask about it, because I won't tell him.

And more than obviously, I will never marry him.

Because, as I discovered tonight: if a man doesn't have enough self restraint to keep himself from saying something to deliberately hurt me, I'm not going to stay with him.

You can keep yourself from saying hurtful things.  

It's hard, but I do it.

If I had said half of the things that were on the tip of my tongue tonight, he would probably never speak to me again.

If I can do it, so can he, but if he's not even going to try, and just say "that's just what I do when I get in a fight" then I sure as heck am not going to waste my breath on even debating whether I would let him lead me to the altar or not.

Knew this was coming too.

So, I went in for my final bishop's interview tonight for my mission. 

It was really great, and he thinks I'm totally ready, 

but when he asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about, 

I decided to tell him about what happened with Fidget, with the mission thing.

One of the first things he said was that it's probably a good idea to 

stay away from him..

I was kind of expecting him to say that, but now that I'm pretty much

a missionary, I have to be so much more careful about who I hang around

because I know the Adversary is going to send everything he's got at me

to keep me from going.

Including Fidget. 

Cuz, I'll admit, sometimes he is a bit of a temptation..

But now I don't know what to do! 

I didn't talk to him at all today, until tonight, I got on Facebook and he

was on and after like, half an hour, he started talking to me. 

We had a good talk, but then we started kinda bantering about vacations,

because he was like "people need vacations, cuz otherwise life gets too

stressful."

And my response to that was "I don't think so. I think people just spoil 

themselves because they think they can't handle it but really they can."

He seemed kind of upset at that comment, but then we just went back and forth

about whether vacations were actually worthwhile or not, cuz he was 

saying he needs another one after this one because he was "working the

whole time."

But yeah, while we were 'arguing' about it, he was like 

"Hehe are we flirting? Cuz I like it a lot."

I didn't say anything because I mean, come one, I'm trying to pull away

now, I can't egg him on.. 

And when he had to leave, when he said "love you", 

I didn't say it back... 

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about it, because

I have to let him know that I can't do the dating thing anymore, but I 

want to try to do it as nicely as possible.

Somehow I knew this would happen.

So, I submitted my missionary application today! 

Woot!

Although, on the flip side, now I've found out a whole

lot of other stuff about Fidget that I'm honestly not that surprised

about, but it still kinda sucks, cuz now I don't really

want to be with him at all.

I'm trying to be supportive, but he has this major problem

respecting authority in the Church, because he says the people that

are sustained are "freaks." 

I tried talking to him about it and helping him understand some 

things but it didn't really work. I tried explaining the concept of 

when we're really critical of ourselves, we tend to be really critical of 

other people. 

His immediate response was "I'm not critical of other people.

I have Peter as a friend, and my uncle is gay, but I don't judge them.

I accept them for who they are. I'm only critical of myself."

I did a major face-palm there.

He's so critical of others. The fact that he gets in fights with his 

parents all the time and says that they have no idea what

they're doing, and that his siblings are brats,

and he complains about people all the time from work, or people

in his family.

I almost wanted to be like, "Uh, B.S. You're majorly critical of people."

But I didn't.

Instead, all I said is "You tend to be pretty critical of other people, hun.."

I haven't gotten a response to that yet.

But, now I've kinda turned all my attention back to Nick. 

Not all of it, because I don't quite know how to handle this situation

with Fidget.

I want to help him find that conviction about going on a mission, 

but he's giving up on himself.

I guess I can only pray that I'll be able to remain strong and not

crumble if I have to break things off with him. I'd probably give the

excuse that I have a mission to prepare for, so I can't be in a relationship,

although I "wish I could be" or whatever.

I don't think I can ever tell him that he's not what I want in a husband.

It would crush him.

He's waaay too sensitive.

I definitely hope that he can't see this, but I highly doubt he can, because 

I haven't even told him about it.

The sad thing is though, that I knew I would hear about all these

questions he has sometime or later, because I could see the defiance, and confusion

way before he told me, and I see it in the way he talks and interacts with people,

he wants to be on top, in charge, respected, but then sometimes he acts like

a complete jerk, and yells at people because he feels it's necessary.

What do I do with this kid?