Somehow I knew this would happen.

So, I submitted my missionary application today! 

Woot!

Although, on the flip side, now I've found out a whole

lot of other stuff about Fidget that I'm honestly not that surprised

about, but it still kinda sucks, cuz now I don't really

want to be with him at all.

I'm trying to be supportive, but he has this major problem

respecting authority in the Church, because he says the people that

are sustained are "freaks." 

I tried talking to him about it and helping him understand some 

things but it didn't really work. I tried explaining the concept of 

when we're really critical of ourselves, we tend to be really critical of 

other people. 

His immediate response was "I'm not critical of other people.

I have Peter as a friend, and my uncle is gay, but I don't judge them.

I accept them for who they are. I'm only critical of myself."

I did a major face-palm there.

He's so critical of others. The fact that he gets in fights with his 

parents all the time and says that they have no idea what

they're doing, and that his siblings are brats,

and he complains about people all the time from work, or people

in his family.

I almost wanted to be like, "Uh, B.S. You're majorly critical of people."

But I didn't.

Instead, all I said is "You tend to be pretty critical of other people, hun.."

I haven't gotten a response to that yet.

But, now I've kinda turned all my attention back to Nick. 

Not all of it, because I don't quite know how to handle this situation

with Fidget.

I want to help him find that conviction about going on a mission, 

but he's giving up on himself.

I guess I can only pray that I'll be able to remain strong and not

crumble if I have to break things off with him. I'd probably give the

excuse that I have a mission to prepare for, so I can't be in a relationship,

although I "wish I could be" or whatever.

I don't think I can ever tell him that he's not what I want in a husband.

It would crush him.

He's waaay too sensitive.

I definitely hope that he can't see this, but I highly doubt he can, because 

I haven't even told him about it.

The sad thing is though, that I knew I would hear about all these

questions he has sometime or later, because I could see the defiance, and confusion

way before he told me, and I see it in the way he talks and interacts with people,

he wants to be on top, in charge, respected, but then sometimes he acts like

a complete jerk, and yells at people because he feels it's necessary.

What do I do with this kid?