Is something wrong with me?

Ok, so, I apologize in advance.

This is going to be a depressing post

because I'm feeling really crappy.

So, if you're in a good mood, I wouldn't

recommend reading this.

I'm so sick of dating, already.

I knew this was going to happen,

as I was getting into the closing months

of my mission, I was like 

"Crap, I'm going to have to start dating..."

And that's EXACTLY what it's been like!

I freakin hate dating!

I HATE it!

I HATE IT!!!!

Does that illustrate the point?

Ugh!

Of COURSE it would be during the holidays

when everyone's being all lovey

with their lovers, 

and then there's me, sittin over here

by myself like:

"I hate you."

It doesn't help that, really, I'm just

really mad at Ricky. Or about him.

Something.

He's the one who's always on my mind,

but I'm starting to think that everything

between me and him was just a fluke

and so like, not even worth my time.

But of COURSE it would happen with him,

right after I find out a bunch of crap

from Nick about what went down between

me and him earlier this year.

That was a really sucky conversation to have.

Ok, I'm totally getting off topic here, because

I can't even think straight, I'm so angry.

This is almost funny, except 

it's totally not.

Ok, let me give the run-down on the conv.

with Nick. That'll explain a lot.

So, while I was on my mission,

just after Nick got home, my parents went to

his homecoming, and got to get to know his

parents, and after that,

EVERYTHING went downhill. No joke.

I had no idea why, until finally I asked him straight up,

and he said that his mom thought

my family was weird.

So then I was like "Say what?"

Yeah, so I guess I've been harboring

that little fact and it's been festering inside

me for the past who knows how long,

because I'm so freaking angry about it

I don't even know what to do with myself.

So, what this has to do with Ricky is,

I guess from that little bit of info from Nick,

I have this little voice inside me that's like,

"No one who is 'temporally fortunate' will

ever want you, because you were raised in poverty."

Yes, this is true.

I was freaking raised in poverty.

It's not my fault that for most of my life, 

my parents could barely afford to keep a roof 

over our heads, let alone feed us or teach us

how to be proper, perfect little children, and 

make sure we looked absolutely fashionable.

I think they had bigger concerns on their plate.

Yes, Ricky's family is very well-off.

Like, extremely well-off.

He's very well-off, and he's only 21..

Whereas me, I'm 21 and only have like,

$50 to my name.

So, basically what this comes down to,

is I feel like no one who is decently well-off

will ever want me because I'm freaking poor 

and uneducated, and apparently my family

is weird because we're not the perfect

Mormon family where nobody fights or 

even disagrees.  Heaven forbid that ANY

family should ever act like that.

That just makes me so angry...

So flippin angry, I could scream.

I really ought to take up a martial art.

That way I won't kill someone someday

by accident.

Ok, I'm gonna backtrack for a second.

Why I'm so mad about what's going on

with Ricky is because it's been like, a month and

a half since I've actually heard from him, like

been able to have a good, long conversation

with him.

He never responds to anything I send him, so

I'm just kind of assuming that there's nothing there

anymore.

That's why I'm so upset.

I feel like he's gone, and I don't know what I did.

I wish I knew,

but it seems to be happening this way lately,

that I like a guy who's really great, but then

they disappear for some reason,

and I never find out why.

Oh well.

Our mutual friend is coming home soon.

He can freakin go marry her for all I care.

I'll find someone else.

Or I'll just grow up a bachelorette 

and never get married.

Yep. There's my rant. 

 

 

5 down, a Million to go

So, David asked me earlier this week 

if we could meet up and talk tonight, and 

kinda sort things out.

We did. He came over tonight, and we
talked for a little while, driving in his car,
but that didn't go anywhere. I was actually
really peeved about where it went,
or I should say where it DIDN'T go.
He basically didn't talk the whole time.
So, he dropped me off,
and I went inside, just thinking: "...huh?"
And then he texted me and was a LOT
more talkative, so I was like "Where was this
10 minutes ago?"
I guess he felt bad, or guilty, something, because
he asked if we could try again, talking, I mean.
I agreed, hesitantly, because if it turned out
anything like the last one, I was going to
let him have it, big time.
I was definitely surprised, because when I went
back out to talk to him, we just sat in his car
in front of my house, and he was
completely the opposite of what he was 10 minutes
previous. In fact, he was almost
interrogating me for answers of why this was this way
and why I acted this way, etc etc.
Now, before you go getting defensive and
labeling him as a jerk, let me just say, for myself,
that I did a freaking crap job of breaking up.
Like, no joke.
Crap job.
So, he kind of had a right to be asking
so many questions.
Anywho, so, I was really taken aback by
all the questions, and I kind of just wanted to
curl up into a ball and hide.
Especially because most of the questions he was
asking were based around the idea that he wanted
to know the exact reasons why I didn't
want to date him anymore.
That was a really hard conversation to have,
and I ended up crying because I felt so shallow
about the fact that I was having problems with
not being very physically attracted to him.
I still feel at least somewhat bad about it, frankly.
Either or, we ended up coming to a very
solid, good agreement, and I would still definitely
consider him to be a very good friend.
It was interesting though, some of the things
we addressed - which were the reason for my
sudden emotional breakdown - weren't about him
at all, and I kind felt the same way I did when
we hung out last Tuesday and I ended up
bawling into his chest for over an hour.
It was a really strange, almost "spiritually
cleansing" moment, I might call it.
Nothing like that has happened since way before I
left on my mission.
And since I've been back, it's happened twice.
The reason for the title this time, was after
I'd finally gotten a hold of myself,
I muttered "One more down."
Speaking figuratively of the bricks that I have
on my shoulders.
David disagreed, and said "I think that was two."
And I said "Probably more like five."
So, that's where that came from.

All the Single Ladies!

That includes me.

Yep.

I'm single again.

Amazingly enough though,

I actually feel really relieved.

And I'm starting to understand what

some people talk about when they say

that sometimes people really try

to get you to think that you're thinking

the same way as them when really 

you're not.

Like, I can see now, David was 

REEEAAAALLLY

trying to convince me to stay here in TN,

to give up my dreams in Utah,

so that we could stay together and 

get married.

It was hard for me to see it in the beginning, 

but as our relationship progressed,

he was asking way too much of me right

from the get-go. 

I think he was probably just really excited to 

have a Mormon girlfriend,

and so he wanted to head straight for the 

altar.

Not my cup of tea.

I sincerely hope that he's alright after this.

I feel like I was pretty gentle about it.

But, I can't bother myself about it too much,

because I'm not responsible for him.

I did learn a ton about myself in the past 2

weeks since we've been together.

Like, honestly, it doesn't feel like it's only 

been 1 1/2 weeks. It feels like it's been a month,

or more.

I am grateful that I was able to have this

experience, but I'm also really grateful

that it has come to an end, also.

Well This is New

So, a couple interesting things happened today.

One:

My dad called me and we had a 

long conversation about me and David, 

and where all that's going.

Two:

I'm very soon going to have been in the

shortest relationship of my life.

I'm breaking up with David. 

I kind of decided that today.

That's really weird, honestly.

For those of you who know me well,

I don't do short relationships.

I can usually determine the ending of a 

relationship before it even starts, 

so I usually don't start them unless 

I see them lasting for a long time.

But, I guess this one was different.

Either that or I'm just learning to be a 

lot smarter than maybe I have been

previously.

It was super weird though, when my dad

called me earlier today though.

I knew what he was calling about before

I even picked up the phone,

but just the fact that he called wanting to

talk to me about it was weird enough.

He's my dad.

He never wants to talk about that stuff.

Or at least I've never thought so.

But, he brought up something that I thought 

was really interesting.

I had always thought that the whole 

physical attraction thing was just a carnal

desire and that it really didn't matter a whole lot

in regard to marriage.

When I was on the phone with my dad though,

he said that physical attraction is just as

important as spiritual attraction.

Some people are spiritually attractive to me.

Some people are physically attractive to me.

I need to find someone who is both, 

because like it even says in the scriptures,

"All things are both spiritual and temporal."

Meaning that the physical attraction is 

also important.

I'd never thought of it like that.

I'd always just thought that if I find a really great guy,

it won't matter if I think he's drop-dead gorgeous,

because he'll be super righteous.

Turns out I was wrong about that.

Maybe that's something I was supposed to learn

from this whole thing.

Who knows?

 

David... oh David...

So, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote...

Holy crap, a lot has happened.

Ok, let me sum up.

So, since the last time I was on here:

I "hung out" with this guy named David,

who I thought was just a friend,

but then he came running with me one day,

and he seemed genuinely interested in me as a person,

and so I basically spilled the beans about 

everything that's occurred in the space of my short

21 years of life.

We had a lot of deep conversations for

not knowing each other too well.

Somehow, I suddenly found myself falling for 

David, and I started freaking out.

Sunday came and went, and, same thing,

I felt like I was falling for him so bad, I could

barely stand it.

Sunday night, he called me and kind of 

"called me out" on my feelings that I was trying

to hide, but wasn't doing a very good job of, 

and he basically said that he was very interested in me,

and he wanted to see if we could try this out.

We spent over an hour and a half talking about

EVERY aspect of our relationship, and how we would

expect it all to pan out.

Then, at the end, I suggested we pray about it and

talk again the following day.

I did so, and it was so weird,

I got the most powerfully peaceful feeling that I've had

while praying in a very long time.

Like, a VERY long time.

So, I decided "Ok, we'll give this a try."

That was a terrible summary, I apologize.

So, here we are, over a week later, 

and I am starting to ask myself why in the world

I'm doing this.

Here are the pros in the relationship:

We're good at communicating

He's good at reading me

I'm good at reading him

We agree on a lot of things

We both love church

We're committed to staying pure

He takes me on actual dates

He is an amazing member-missionary!

He's 27

That's all I can think of right now.

Ok, so, here's the cons of the relationship:

He's SHOVING the "marriage idea"

down my throat.

He has bipolar disorder

He's not a virgin

He didn't serve a mission

He's currently not able to go to the temple

He's super touchy-feely. I thought I was... no way.

His family seems reeeaaaallly odd.

His roommates aren't super good influences.

 He's more "modern" than "old-fashioned"

He's kind of awkward.

He's 27...

Ok, so, I feel somewhat terrible for 

writing down all those things.

So, let me explain a little more.

I understand that people have checkered pasts!

I know!

I have my own!

It's the fact that his past isn't exactly totally IN the past yet.

He's still working through some things.

Remember my post about what I think is attractive in a guy?

Well, David only meets some of the things

that I wrote.

Some things he does the exact opposite.

For example: he and I were talking about

video games for some reason, and he asked if

I had ever played.

I said I had played some, but I didn't have any skill

playing FPS games. (First Person Shooter)

And the first thing he says is:

"That's so hot that you know what that means."

I don't know..

At his age, he's pretty set in his ways of how he

wants to treat a girl, and what he wants to call her, etc.

Me, I have my preferences. 

They're not the same.

And, another example is:

David isn't the most drop-dead gorgeous guy out there.

I usually don't date those kind of guys anyway 

because they annoy me.

But, I think it makes a big difference if you're in a crowd

of people, and as you're looking at people, you think

"Oh, wow, that boy is cute."

And then you look at your boyfriend and go:

"Eh... yep. That's my boyfriend..."

It makes a difference!!!

It's taken me 5 years to figure out what I want

in a relationship.

The things I've seen that I know I want the most are

respect, propriety, class, dignity, and confidence.

I only just figured that out over the past 2 years, 

watching my Mission Presidents interact

with their wives.

David doesn't fit that...

But, here's my question.

Are my expectations too high?? 

Am I asking too much??

Because, literally speaking, I was never attracted to

ANY of the Elders on my mission. Not even slightly.

I was attracted to how my Mission Presidents 

carried and behaved themselves.

So, basically, I'm attracted to old men.

That's wonderful.

Oh man... this is a serious problem.

I feel awful, because I feel like I'm somewhat

debating on whether or not I should break up with David.

Because I kind of am.

I mean, we've been dating for a week, and he already 

asked me to come to Utah with him over Thanksgiving

and meet his family.  

Forward, much?

I don't want a guy who's that forward...

That just loses dignity and class.

It shows a lack of self-control.

In my opinion anyway.

Alright, I think I'm going to be done with my rant...

I hope no one reads this...