Ok, so, I apologize in advance.
This is going to be a depressing post
because I'm feeling really crappy.
So, if you're in a good mood, I wouldn't
recommend reading this.
I'm so sick of dating, already.
I knew this was going to happen,
as I was getting into the closing months
of my mission, I was like
"Crap, I'm going to have to start dating..."
And that's EXACTLY what it's been like!
I freakin hate dating!
I HATE it!
I HATE IT!!!!
Does that illustrate the point?
Ugh!
Of COURSE it would be during the holidays
when everyone's being all lovey
with their lovers,
and then there's me, sittin over here
by myself like:
"I hate you."
It doesn't help that, really, I'm just
really mad at Ricky. Or about him.
Something.
He's the one who's always on my mind,
but I'm starting to think that everything
between me and him was just a fluke
and so like, not even worth my time.
But of COURSE it would happen with him,
right after I find out a bunch of crap
from Nick about what went down between
me and him earlier this year.
That was a really sucky conversation to have.
Ok, I'm totally getting off topic here, because
I can't even think straight, I'm so angry.
This is almost funny, except
it's totally not.
Ok, let me give the run-down on the conv.
with Nick. That'll explain a lot.
So, while I was on my mission,
just after Nick got home, my parents went to
his homecoming, and got to get to know his
parents, and after that,
EVERYTHING went downhill. No joke.
I had no idea why, until finally I asked him straight up,
and he said that his mom thought
my family was weird.
So then I was like "Say what?"
Yeah, so I guess I've been harboring
that little fact and it's been festering inside
me for the past who knows how long,
because I'm so freaking angry about it
I don't even know what to do with myself.
So, what this has to do with Ricky is,
I guess from that little bit of info from Nick,
I have this little voice inside me that's like,
"No one who is 'temporally fortunate' will
ever want you, because you were raised in poverty."
Yes, this is true.
I was freaking raised in poverty.
It's not my fault that for most of my life,
my parents could barely afford to keep a roof
over our heads, let alone feed us or teach us
how to be proper, perfect little children, and
make sure we looked absolutely fashionable.
I think they had bigger concerns on their plate.
Yes, Ricky's family is very well-off.
Like, extremely well-off.
He's very well-off, and he's only 21..
Whereas me, I'm 21 and only have like,
$50 to my name.
So, basically what this comes down to,
is I feel like no one who is decently well-off
will ever want me because I'm freaking poor
and uneducated, and apparently my family
is weird because we're not the perfect
Mormon family where nobody fights or
even disagrees. Heaven forbid that ANY
family should ever act like that.
That just makes me so angry...
So flippin angry, I could scream.
I really ought to take up a martial art.
That way I won't kill someone someday
by accident.
Ok, I'm gonna backtrack for a second.
Why I'm so mad about what's going on
with Ricky is because it's been like, a month and
a half since I've actually heard from him, like
been able to have a good, long conversation
with him.
He never responds to anything I send him, so
I'm just kind of assuming that there's nothing there
anymore.
That's why I'm so upset.
I feel like he's gone, and I don't know what I did.
I wish I knew,
but it seems to be happening this way lately,
that I like a guy who's really great, but then
they disappear for some reason,
and I never find out why.
Oh well.
Our mutual friend is coming home soon.
He can freakin go marry her for all I care.
I'll find someone else.
Or I'll just grow up a bachelorette
and never get married.
Yep. There's my rant.
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