Worst Night EVER!

I've had the flu plenty of times in my life. 

Enough to think I'd had my fair share of illness and aches and not being able to eat anything for fear of throwing up.

None of them compare to last night though.

It started around 10:30, I wasn't feeling all that great after dinner, so my family all told me to go to bed, and I'd wake up feeling better, but I couldn't go to sleep.  My stomach felt like it was churning and bubbling and just plain didn't feel good. I was talking to Nathan at the time, and then, at midnight, I knew it was coming. I rushed to the bathroom and puked. 

:P

When I got back in bed, I managed to get about half an hour of sleep, then suddenly, I felt it coming, so I ran to the bathroom and puked again!

Got back in bed, tried to sleep for another half hour, then it happened AGAIN!

And AGAIN!!!

After the fourth time, I finally decided that I was NOT gonna go through the whole night like this, so I went to my parents room and woke my mom up. Both she and my dad got up and we all went out to the living room.  My skin was cold and clammy and WHITE!

My dad said I literally looked like a ghost.

My mom made me some tea and asked me if I'd try to drink some, so I did, and went and threw up again.

-.-

Then I came back out and tried to drink some water. That sat for maybe fifteen minutes, then I threw up again.  By now, my dad had called someone from our health insurance and asked them about what the heck was going on with my body, and if we should call a doctor.  After telling them everything that was going on with me, they said it would be wise to call a doctor, so they did, and I went and puked again.  

After he got off the phone with the nurse at the doctor's office, we sat for a long time.  The nurse had said for me to drink some Gatorade, or something like unto it, so my mom gave me this stuff called "pedialite" or something.  

It was gross.

And it made me puke again. 

:P 

So then my dad gave me a blessing that I would get better and stop throwing up, then he went to get me some Gatorade and some Coke, and I managed to fall asleep for a couple hours, then when my siblings were getting up and ready for school, I threw up again. 

But, that was the last time.

:D

I slept a loooot throughout the rest of the day, but didn't end up watching a movie until later that night when my dad needed to paint upstairs and I didn't want the fumes to make me sick, so I went downstairs where the TV was.  I managed to eat a little tiny bit before I went to bed, and it stayed down, and I've been getting steadily better.

In the middle of the day, Nathan came to "visit the sick and afflicted", meaning me.  He stayed at my house and we talked for a good hour and a half, then he had to go home and finish stringing lights on his house, but he kept texting me throughout the rest of the day until he had to go to work.

It really sucked though, the whole day I was so sick, the only person I reeeaaalllly wanted to see was Nick.  I could see him in my mind though, coming up the stairs and his brow wrinkling up when he saw me. He was wearing a brown jacket with fur on the inside and a red shirt, dark wash jeans, and of course, his cowboy boots. I'm still waiting on a letter from him. We'll see how much longer it takes...

Hopefully not too long.

Dang it...

So, Nick's mom answered my message on FB.  

More awkwardness, because she said "Hi - I miss hearing about you!"

-.^

That one kinda made me wonder just what Nick said about me when he was at home...

I still have yet to hear back from him, but i'm told the first couple months out in the field are really hard to get adjusted to everything, so...maybe I'll wait another few weeks before I send another letter...

My fingers are craving to get my hands on an envelope with his name in the upper-left corner though..

GAH!

Uuuugh, well, she (Nick's mom) gave me the web address to his mission blog, so i've been reading that.

Gosh...He's soooo attractive in a suit and tie! It drives me insane!

Close behind that though is his cowboy boots, some rugged jeans, and a plaid shirt.

I'm gonna drool.

Just kidding. I'm NOT gonna do that, but he's definitely pretty attractive.

It did make me miss him terribly to see all the pictures of him on the blog.  So much that it's making it reeeaaallly hard to wait till he writes back to me again. I gotta be patient though.  This is gonna be a toughie.  We'll see if I pull through it...

O.O

I'm a champion at "Awkward..."

Ok, so, seeing as it has been almost a MONTH since Nick has responded to my letter, I'm assuming it either never made it there, or he gave me the wrong mailing address or something...

So...

I had to ask his mom for it......

That ONE thing that I REEEAAALLLLLY didn't want to do.

I ended up just messaging her on FB, because, I'll admit it, I'm a complete wuss and can't make myself talk to her on the phone, because, for one, I think she'd be curious as to how the heck I got their home phone number, and just, yeah..

The message itself was really awkward. 

"Hi, i don't know if you remember me.. I'm Nick's friend from work..."
I think that pretty much sums it up right there.

Awwwwkward.....

I am so lonely...

Alright, so, the last couple days have been either traumatic, depressing, or rather sweet and bonding.

I'll elucidate, if that's even how you spell it.

Ok, so Monday, I saw my bestie that I've been friends with for forever and a half, and we went to see her li'l sister's play at their highschool, which was not the same as MY highschool, so she was the only person I knew there.  After the show was over, she went running about saying hi to all her old highschool buddies, basically leaving me behind to sit and wait till she decided to pay attention to me again.

It got me thinking though, about something I didn't really want to think about very much.

What if she didn't view our friendship as importantly as I do?

I didn't really think anything of it, and chose to put it out of my mind until I got home, but once I was home, I became unmotivated to even get off the couch, and I felt really heavy inside.  

The more I longed for her attention, the more I realized that not only that, but I longed to be loved and cared about much as in terms of romance.

I wanted somebody to hold me.  To tell me I mattered to them more than anything else.

This feeling festered in my gut so much that I felt sick, and even while my brother sat at the computer and my dad walked to and fro, I sat curled into the corner of the sofa, shedding a few tears.

I was talking to a friend of mine at the time, and he said "Why don't you go pray about it?"

He's not exactly the "praying" type, but I tell him that every time he's confused or upset about something. I don't know if he listens, but it's worth a shot.

So, I practiced what I preach and went to my room and knelt at my bedside, although, I didn't have the strength to hold myself up and I crumpled against the side of my bed, tears pouring down my face as I mentally cried out every agony I was feeling.  After only a moment, I had this thought cross through my head.

It's a little awkward, but who cares.

I had a feeling like I should go take a shower.  So, I listened, and brought my towels into the bathroom.

Once I'd turned the shower on, and the hot water was spraying all over me, my composure crumpled again, and I leaned against the wall, my drenched hair dripping water.  

Strategically, I aimed the showerhead right at the bottom of the bathtub, and sat with my knees curled to my chest under the downpour. I sat there for over half an hour.

One thing I've discovered that I rather dislike, is that when I happen to have a sob-fit this bad, I end up whimpering like a dog.  I'm a rather silent crier most of the time, but I actually listened to myself as I sat on the floor, and no joke, tiny little whimpers were coming out of my throat.

Anyway, that was Monday.  

Yesterday, I had to work for a really long time, and when I got home, my other friend, who has been previously mentioned, Nathan, asked if he could come see me, and I said "no, I'll come see you in a little bit" because I had to re-condition my hair, as it was filled with chlorine.  Once I'd straightened my hair, I told my parents I was leaving, although, honestly, I didn't exactly tell them where I was going...

They don't really like him that much...

So, anyway, I got to his house, and we talked for a while, and he showed me this amazing song he wrote on the piano, then we went downstairs and watched this movie called "Cutback". I won't bother going into detail about the plot, but partway through the movie, the main character's best friend is killed in a car accident, and the next little bit of the movie is showing how alone the main character is.

That made me fidget in my seat because that was exactly how I was feeling.  

After the movie was over, my friend turned to me and asked what was wrong, because I was being really quiet, and I lied and said I was fine.  That didn't work.  He persisted and persisted until I was sitting about a foot away from him, which was quite a difference, and my breathing was beginning to become shallow.

I wouldn't answer most of his questions, but little by little, he tore down the barricade that's been guarding my heart for the past 3 months.

One of the biggest things I'd been scared of was letting another guy touch me, or put his arms around me, even though I so desperately wanted somebody to hold me.  It hadn't mattered, because I wasn't going to give up and let down my defenses.  

But.

After one of his questions, it had aggravated my emotions to the point where I was gasping for air to keep from crying, and he put his arm around my shoulders.

It felt as though I'd just been struck by lightning, because it had been so long since anyone had touched me like that. Like, all of my nerves were physically shocked at his touch.

He tried to talk to me, but I sat stiff, unmoving, and unyielding to his provocations to let him into my heart.

But.

Again, he's talented with words.  He knew exactly what to say that would make me break, and he said it.  He tried to pull me closer to him, but I flinched away.  I talked to him a little bit about everything I'd been feeling the day before, and suddenly had an urge to have his arms around me.  Because he was a person, he was a guy (obviously), and he was my friend.

"Can I ask you something?"  I asked in a whisper through my tears.

"Anything. Go for it."  He said quietly, and we sat in silence as I tried to get up the guts to ask him if he would hold me.  It was probably close to five minutes that we sat there before I finally asked.

"Will you hold me...?"

Wordlessly, his arms enclosed around me and I melted into him.  I wasn't crying tears anymore, but I was still hyperventilating, but he held me tight against him.  

His heartbeat was right against my ear, and I could hear it literally pounding, but, clenching one of my fists, my own heartbeat was faster..

Not because of any romantic feelings between us, no way. But, I think we were both nervous because we didn't exactly trust each other. 

He held me for a loooong time, and when it was time for me to go, he walked me out to my car, giving me a long hug before letting me go, but then, for some reason, he asked me if I'd let him do something, and he kissed my forehead.

I asked him why he did that, and he said he'd wanted to all night.  

Let's hope the "no romance" thing remains a mutual agreement.

As Promised

So, I said on Facebook that I was going to post about what happened that made me kind of freak out about falling in love. Because, I'll openly admit, I'm afraid of falling in love again.
The reason why?
In my second letter from Nick, I hadn't really expected it, but close to the bottom of the first page, he said the "L" word, and not in just a 'friend' type way, but like, in a ROMANTIC way.
How it was worded was "I L you and I miss you so much! I should've told you before I left.. I was going to, but then I didn't..."
Pretty much left me in utter shock.
I had no idea how to respond to that! I still don't!
Yeah, I know, I feel the same way, but I don't want to tell him! At least not until he gets home... and maybe not even then, because, as I was thinking about it, I'd rather have him be my best friend for my whole life, than a love interest that doesn't work out and I never speak to again.
Because that would SUCK!!!
So, yeah, I spent Sunday trying to figure out how to write my letter and tell him to stop thinking about me and focus on his mission, and through most of it I was choking back tears.. stupid.
It's like before he left, I hate having to be the one to set the boundaries!

Maaaaybe it's just the whole him being in the MTC, he hasn't really started his mission yet, and once he gets to Washington D.C., he'll figure it out.
I hope he does.
Because in my final draft of my letter, which was the 3rd one, I told him that if he doesn't start focusing more on his mission than me, because it's semi-evident in his letters that he doesn't, that I'll have to stop writing to him for a while... :(
I hate having to say that, but what else can I DO?
Ugh...
Missionaries...

1st Letter from Nick

It's been nearly 3 weeks since Nick first went into the MTC. It was rather weird, actually, when I was getting ready to send him my first letter. I was pretty sure I had missed the mailman, so I was gonna have to wait until the next day to have it mailed, but as I walked out to my mailbox, I saw the mailman coming up my street.
Talk about divine intervention.
There keep being weird things like that that happen with our letters. His letters always seem to come on a day when I'm feeling really stressed out or lonely or something, and mine seem to make defy the laws of postage so they get mailed on time.
In his first letter, from a couple weeks ago, he told me he misses my "wonderful smile, and beautiful hair."
I really wonder what he would think when I would smile.. I've never really thought my smile was that great, but I have to wonder if it ever took his breath away like he took mine. And of course, I knew he really liked my hair, because he would touch it all the time.
Aah, every time I think about him, I get chills. Good chills, not bad chills.
It seems like the past 3 weeks have gone by really fast. I wonder if it'll be the same for the next 23 months.