I hate Mondays...

Well, today was somewhat better than the past while, but in a couple ways, it might have been worse..

It was great, because I got to spend a whoooole lot of time with Fidget, just me and him, filming, and we went to see a play together, which actually ended up getting pretty crazy, but that's a different story.

Then, after the play, we went back to his house and his parents were like "Fidget, we need you to come upstairs for a minute."

And turns out, his parents are taking his family to Disney World.

I don't know why, but as soon as I heard them all screaming and yelling about how excited they are, I got this sinking feeling in my gut and I kind of wanted to punch something. I was downstairs by myself, and when Fidget came back downstairs, that was the only thing he would talk about for the next like, 15 minutes.  

He asked me if I wanted to go down to the "Man Cave" for a little while before he had to take me home, and I said sure, and when we got down there, the interrogation began... 

He asked me if I was ok.

I said I was fine, but I didn't realize that I didn't look at him when I said it.

So then he said "Can you look me in the eye and tell me that?"

I was like "Dang it.." And then I did it, but he was still like, "I'm not convinced"

So then I tried telling him to just not worry about it, which he told me was dumb because there was 'no way he wasn't going to worry about it'.

After a little while of me refusing to give in, he started guessing what it was.

His first guess was jealousy, which I said "sort of"

Then he said I had to explain myself, so I started explaining about how my parents pretty much never take us on vacations, like, ever, and all the other financial problems that I've been having because of my parents, etc etc, and suddenly I started getting all choked up!

Panicking, I thought "Oh gosh, no!" and tried to hold myself together, but it did not work worth anything, and I ended up totally having a meltdown in front of him.  He'd been sitting on the couch next to the one I was sitting on, but once I'd started getting all choked up, first he'd grabbed my hand, but once I sat up and lost it, he got up and sat next to me and said "Come here." until I'd leaned into him and let it all go.  

Pretty much everything came out.

Even my being upset about having to go back blonde.

That one, I was like "What the heck?" but it kinda  makes sense.  

I'm a little bit of a ditz, and when I used to be blonde, before I started dying my hair a lot, I would get made fun of because I was a "stereotypical blonde".  

Sometimes, it really hurt.  

So, I really am not excited to go back to being blonde at all, for that reason.

But yeah, that's what happened tonight. Ended up having a total meltdown in front of Fidget.

I freaking hate Mondays.

Ok, maybe that wasn't so bad.

So, I ended up talking to Fidget about last Friday, when I thought he lied to me, which I'm still kinda unsure of. But from what he told me, it sounded like he was telling the truth.

I brought it up nicely, when he and I were taking his sister back down to college.  I went along to keep him company.

When we had dropped her off, we went and found a McDonald's to get some food because we were both starving, and I brought it up then.  I was nice about it. I had waited a few days to let myself cool down, and when I asked him, I just said "If you really just wanted to spend time with her, I wouldn't have been mad, I would have just rather you tell me than try to keep it a secret."

He told me that he had been taking a nap for the little amount of time that he hadn't been talking to me, and when I asked him if I could go pick up my laptop, his sister (the one we took down to college) had come up and dragged him out of bed because she wanted him to play Nintendo with her.

Which sounds exactly like something she would do, so I wasn't surprised at all.

He said they had just started playing when I got there, and he said afterward he got mad at her because she made him look like a liar. I am still being wary though.

So far I haven't been disappointed.

The drive back up from taking his sister down to college was sooo scary though!

It was like, 10 at night when we finally left, so it was totally dark, and we were driving through the middle of nowhere on this two-lane highway that had nothing to either side except sagebrush and trees.  Talk about freaky! Some scary music actually started playing on the CD he chose and he started yelling at the stereo because he didn't want that music and it scared me so I jumped haha it was really freaky.

Just as we were leaving McD's though, Fidget was talking about how he wished he'd ordered a pumpkin shake, and I was sooo tempted to look at him and say "Do you want dessert?" in a very sexy way, as to let him know I meant a kiss, but then I chickened out and didn't say anything.  But I kept laughing to myself about it because I couldn't believe I'd debated saying something that corny.

He kept badgering me about what it was I was going to say, and I wouldn't tell him, but after time and time and time again of him begging me to tell him, I finally did, and half-expected him to make a face like "really..?" but instead, he was like "What?? You didn't say it!? No, you have to say those kinds of lines if you think of them! I love lines like that! I think they're adorable."

So that was a pleasant surprise.

I ended up getting in trouble for being past my 12 o'clock curfew that was set in place as soon as I started my mission papers. I'm still getting used to that.  

I don't like curfews.

By the way, I finished my Halloween costume, finally! I'm being Snow White from "snow white and the huntsman", the new movie that just came out. I don't care who says they didn't like it, I am not a Kristin Stewart fan whatsoever and I thought she did just fine. 

So anyone who is stereotypical enough to say that she was just as bad in this movie as in Twilight can just shut up. 

You don't know what you're talking about.

Never lie to a girl. She ALWAYS knows.

I have to rant. I'm beyond pissed off today that I don't know what the heck to do with myself.

On Wednesday, it was Fidget's birthday, and we all had a party over in this clubhouse in one of those special gated communities, big deal, blah blah blah.

It was fun, we had food, I gave him a "6 pack" of root beer, and I kissed him again when he drove me home, all wonderful.

Whatever.

So then yesterday, I had inservice at work from 9 pm till 11, and he wanted me to come over when I was done and we'd hang out for a little bit, but when I was done, he was like "I'm falling asleep, we should probably wait til tomorrow." 

So I was like "Ok, when do you get off work?"

He said he got off at 4.  I got off at 3, so I figured I'd have plenty of time to go home, change, and be all ready for him to come pick me up.  We wanted to go drive up the canyon and maybe film a little bit.  But suddenly, at about 4:30, I get this text from him that says "actually, I'm feeling too tired to go anywhere, let's do this tomorrow."

So I was like "..ok... wait, when do you work tomorrow?" 

He said he gets off at 2. I have to go in at 4:30.

So I said "That won't work."

So then he's like "What about Sunday?"

And I say "I'm ok with going on a drive, but I don't want to film on Sunday."

He never responded to that, but then he says "You're still coming to the Bond movie tonight, right?"

So then I'm like "Um, maybe."

I mean, really, he's too tired to go on a drive, but he's fine to host a movie party?

Yeah right.

So then I was kinda hurt, but I didn't say anything. I had to go pick up my brother from work around 6, so I picked him up, then I asked Fidget if I could come by and get my laptop, because I left it at his house on Wednesday, and he said that was fine. So, I went over to his house, and what do I find?

He's playing Nintendo with his sister, screaming and yelling, full of energy.

So then I'm thinking "Like Hell you're tired. You just wanted an excuse to not go with me."

I wouldn't have been bothered about the fact that he wanted to stay home and play with his sister if he had actually been honest about it and told me the truth.

The fact that he LIED about it reeeeaaally bothers me.

Then, to make matters worse, I went in and asked him if it was still on his desk in his room, and he said yeah, then he let me walk up and get it by myself.  He didn't even look at me.

So, I went back downstairs where everybody was, and was like "Well, I'm gonna go now."

After his sister was like "What are you doing, Fidget? Go say good-bye.", he actually stood up and came and said bye to me at the door, after asking me if I was coming to his movie night, to which I said "Probably not."

So, I went home, and worked on my Halloween costume all night.

That's how my Friday night went.

Definitely nothing like I had expected, or hoped for.

Also, the reason I can jump to this conclusion that he lied is because he's done it before.

It was a day when he was coming home from a football game at the college funded by my church, and he said he was finally getting to hang out with his friend who lives around there. They got home around 6:30, and I asked him what time the Bond movie that night was going to be, and he said 10.

I asked why, because that's cutting it close on my curfew, and he said "I have to do some chores."

Obviously not true, because he had already said he was hanging out with his friend.

So, yeah, I'm rather pissed about this whole thing. I haven't talked to him since I went and got my laptop. I'm gonna wait until he texts me, because I'm hoping to let him sit and stew over it for a while til he figures out that I saw through him.

You're welcome.

I'm not going to say much about what happened Saturday night because it was a nightmare. I'm never doing that again. Ever.

I was over watching another James bond movie with Fidget, Carrie, Brandon, and a couple other people. Carrie's sister, Amber was there.

That's Peter's girlfriend.

Ugh.

I bore her company until she disappeared, and said "I'm bring a surprise!"

Guess who?

Peter.

They're disgusting together, so I hate seeing both of them at the same time.

Anyway, Carrie knew I didn't want them there, and she decided to try to talk to Amber about it. It may not have been the smartest move, but I don't blame her for standing up for me.

Anyway, her sister freaked out and ran off.

So we all went outside looking for her, but heard nothing. Then, she randomly popped out and started running.

I ran after her.

When I'd finally caught up to her, I basically told her flat out what I think of her and Peter, which I don't think she liked very much.  That was after a bit of other discussion.

I still couldn't convince her to come back to Fidget's house with me, so I said "You know, Peter's pretty much hysterical because he can't find you.  Wouldn't you like to at least let him know you're safe? Or do you not love him that much?"

That got her to come back.

Pissed her off, but she came back.

I know how to push people's buttons.

Anyway, as soon as we came around the corner, Peter came running.  I just kept walking, and of course, Amber told Peter eeeeevverything I said while we were walking.

So, now he's pissed at me.

I was sooo tempted to send him a text tonight and say "Sorry I pissed off your girlfriend.  Next time, I'll let her run off and leave you in hysterics. You're welcome." 

I almost wish I had sent it.

The needle has finally pointed North

For those of you who are Mormons, like me, know that in General Conference over the last weekend, they made an adjustment to the age you have to be to serve a mission. Guys can start at 18, girls can start at 19.

Needless to say, I am going to serve a mission.

I started my papers last night, which was awesome :) I'm hoping I can get them finished fast.

 

Anyway, another story.

After I had had my interview and stuff with my bishop, I went over to Fidget's house to watch another Bond movie, and after it was over, he pretty much sent everybody home, but I stayed behind because I wanted to hear this story he said he wanted to tell me.

Funny thing: on my way over, I had this feeling that I wanted to kiss him, and I felt pretty good about it, so I thought to myself "Ok, unless I get a for sure 'NO', I'm gonna kiss him tonight."

So, when everyone was gone, we sat at his kitchen table and talked about a looot of things.  I don't even remember what they all were, but as he was starting to get a tad bit loopy, I decided I had to ask him something.

"I need to ask you something." I said.

"Ok, what is it?" He asked.

It took me a moment to find the right words to use, but this is what came out:

"What do you expect to come of you and me?"

He thought for a minute, then said "Well, a relationship would be nice.  I mean, I think we're both smart enough that we wouldn't do anything that would prevent us from going."

My thoughts were somewhat of the same.  We've both been praying about it a lot, but I'm still not quite sure if I want to get into anything before my mission.  I really want to be able to focus all my efforts on preparing. I'm going to keep praying about it and see.

I told him that I'm really scared about getting into anything, just because I don't want to lose him completely, if, on the offchance, things don't work between us.

We talked til about 1:30 in the morning, then I was like "Dude, you need to go to bed."

So he walked me out to my car, and opened my door for me and then we kept talking. I started getting all shaky and nervous because that feeling came back. The feeling of wanting to kiss him.

At first I didn't do anything about it, but then I kept getting this feeling of "do it, do it, do it."

My lips were dry.

So I put on some lipgloss.

Then I told him I wanted another hug, which he most willingly gave, and he noticed I was all shaky and asked if I was shivering. I said no, and he commented on how badly I was shaking, and I just laughed about it and said "It's nothing. I'm just a little nervous."

"Nervous about what?" He asked.

I paused for a long time, then finally said "Nothing.."

I thought I was just going to chicken out. He asked again, to reaffirm, to which I agreed, but then he said:

"You didn't put on that lipgloss for nothing."

My eyes went wide, and I laughed, caught in the act.

He pulled back and looked at me, and smiled. "Are you going to give me my lesson?"

That had been a running joke between us for a while. If you've seen "Better Off Dead", you know the part where the main guy and the French exchange student are talking about her giving him lessons in the "Love language". They called it "Language Lessons." Brandon and Carrie, whenever we're with them, always are all over each other, so Fidget and I were like "We should just like, make out in front of them and see how they like it."

We never have, but when we first threw out that idea, as a joke, Fidget's first words were "I'm not very good though."

To which I responded: "I can teach you ;)"

So, that was a joke of ours, talking about language lessons.

"If you really want it." I replied shyly

"Yeah, I do." 

"Ok." I smiled a little bit, and then he looked nervous.

"I'm really bad though..."

"You don't have to tell me."  I cut him off, and he started shuffling around.

"I know. Sorry, I always make things like this awkward."

"Well, don't even worry about it, really."  I said, and we both stared at each other for a moment. Then I put my hand around the back of his neck, and he wrapped his arms around me and we kissed.. :) it was somewhat short, but sweet. Once we had let go, we hugged again, and in the silence, he said quietly:

"You're amazing."

I don't know if he was talking about my kissing skills, or just me in general.. Haha

Anyway, we hugged for another while, and talked some more, then he swore he heard a bear or something, so he made me get in my car.  But, he only gave me a hug good-bye, which I was actually really impressed with.  I don't feel like he feels like he needs that physical contact ALL THE TIME like some people I know.

*cough cough* Ty...

I don't know, I just figure, I've been putting off dating and whatnot for another year because secretly I was just hoping that I could kind of write my own destiny, like not date anybody, then have Nick come home and we date and get married, happily ever after, cute. Whatever. With me going on a mision, he's going to be back for about a year before I'm back.  He'll probably be married by then.

So, I've decided that it's time to stop deluding myself, and try to move on with life.  If things work out for us, great. If they don't, oh well. I'm not worrying about it anymore.

I have more important, and more present things to worry about.



Slowly, but surely

So, things have been going rather well since Fidget and I held hands a couple days ago.

I saw him again yesterday after I was done with Institute

Sidenote!

I saw Nathan while I was at Institute, except he was being all stoic and untalkative, which is extremely unlike him, so I asked him if he was mad at me, and he said he was just thinking about things, which, being interpreted, means "I am so jealous and envious because you didn't choose me but I'm going to try to not tell you."

I kinda got on his case for that, and today, he finally came around and was like "I'm sorry I was such a dork yesterday"

Anyway, so I went to see Fidget after Institute, and he wasn't off yet, but our other couple friends, who just recently got engaged, Brandon and Carrie, were there as well, so I talked to them. Peter was there too, and I tried to not talk to him, but Brandon tried to make me, which was rather annoying.

After Fidget was done with work, we all decided we wanted to go out to dinner, and we decided we wanted to go to Denny's.

Funny thing, we went to the same Denny's we were at that night after my inservice, when Fidget first called me beautiful.

When we were there, Fidget kept making little remarks about how attractive and amazing I am, which I found cute and flattering.  He and I hadn't held hands in the car on the way there, and we didn't really do anything while we were at Denny's, or on the way back to his house at all, actually.

But, once we got back to his house, I remembered my car was still at Macey's, so we all drove back in the Mint Green van, and when we first got in, Carrie through something up to my seat, and I looked at it, and it was a skull. Naturally, I flipped out, screamed, dropped it on the floor, and curled my feet up. 

Then everybody laughed at me.

Fidget started making fun of me, saying that the skull was going to bite me, then he picked it up and was holding it, then he screamed, and I thought it was because the skull bit him or something, but really he had whacked his funnybone on something,  so I reached over and grabbed his hand, asking if he was ok, and he said "Yeah, just don't let go."

Carrie and Brandon thought that was just adorable, so then they started making couple jokes and stuff towards us. When we got to Macey's to get my car, Fidget came and opened my door for me, and Carrie rode back to Fidget's house with me.  When we got back, Brandon was making more couple jokes, and said to me and Fidget: "You guys should get married"

Fidget and I just looked at each other in shock, and were like "ummmm....."

Then we went out into Fidget's back yard and were looking at the stars from his trampoline, and Brandon made another comment.  He was like "It's so cute to see you guys finally together."

So yeah, that was basically all of yesterday. 

Today, I was texting Fidget while I was at work, and he said "My cousin wants to meet you."

I figured he meant his cousin Foster, because Foster has talked to me on facebook before, but Fidget was like "Nope, different cousin." 

This particular cousin had started a whole bunch of rumors that Fidget was gay.

Dumb.

But yeah, I was like "What? How did she even come to find out about me?" And he said "Well, my sister was talking to her and was like 'Oh, you've gotta meet Fidget's girlfriend. She's super pretty and nice'." then he said "So yeah, basically my whole family loves you."

I decided to point out that we're not officially dating yet, but both of us find all these funny stories to be incredibly amusing.

Who knows, it may take the fun out of it to start something serious.

Well played, my friend. Well played.

On a rather unexpected turn of events, something that I never expected to happen for another several months happened tonight.

Fidget held my hand..

:)

Haha I was rather incredibly impressed by his timing too.

I went over to his house tonight, and at first, we were up watching more footage of films he's working on, and then we decided to go downstairs into the "Man Cave" and watch Indiana Jones, because I will admit, I've never seen all of them all the way through...

Fidget decided to take it upon himself to show me the world of Jones.

So, during the movie, we were in our usual place, side by side, arms/shoulders touching, but nothing more.  It had kind of started to irritate me because I was just like "Come on, make a move already!"

But then tonight, we're sitting there watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I had seen bits of it when I was little, and it had scared me to death.. It got to those parts again, and I started to kind of freak out and leaned into Fidget's shoulder, half involuntarily, and then this one time, I jumped really bad and afterward, he started laughing and said "Here, you can squeeze my hand if it gets really scary."

And voila, we were holding hands.

There was one part in the movie where Indiana played a smooth move on the girl, so I leaned over and said kinda quietly to Fidget,

"You know, you're pretty smooth too."

He laughed and asked what I meant, and all I did was tap his hand with the hand he was holding, and he started laughing again. 

Couldn't have asked for a better moment though, and he took advantage of it. I was impressed.