Marriage proposal...Question Mark?

So, probably one of the weirdest things of my 

whole life happened today.

Ok, so, I have this friend, who used to be my

'boyfriend' in 8th grade, but come on.

8th grade is 8th grade...

Time has gone by, and we've still been friends,

but I've NEVER had an interest in him

to ever be more than that, because I think

he's a bit manipulative.

I'll show you why in a second.

Ever since I got back from my mission, 

he's been wanting to call me and talk to me about

'something', but he wouldn't tell me what, 

because I wouldn't call him.

I didn't want him to have my phone number,

and dag-gum, if he starts calling me all the time now,

I can block his number, so no biggie, right?

I hope not.

Tonight, he was on my case about it again,

so I finally said "What the heck? Fine."

So, I called him, and asked what he wanted to

talk to me about.

He started off by reminding me that he and his 

former wife are divorced, and I knew

what was coming next.

He asked if I had any interest in him as more than

friends. 

I said I 'wasn't sure', because "I'm trying to not be

'more than friends' with anyone right now"

That may or may not be true.

Ok it's not true.

But, I knew where he was going, 

and I was trying to be kind.

He went on to tell me that he's been given 3-5 

years to live by his doctor before he's 

supposed to die.

He has cancer.

So, he's down to just over a year before

he hits the 3 year mark.

To cut to the chase, basically 

he asked me to marry him.

He tried to encourage me that "if we spent more

time talking, texting, spending time together, etc.,

I'd probably see that there's something there."

Thanks for telling me how I'm going to feel.

Not happening.

Then, to add to it, he goes on to tell me

that ever since he was 12, all he's ever wanted to be

was a dad, and he's afraid that now he won't get

the chance, so he was wanting to get married before

his time is 'up', but he didn't think he's find anyone

soon enough, so he wanted to try for someone

he already knows, and likes, and so he wanted to ask

me if I would be up for it.

You don't just ask someone if they're 'up for marrying you'.

Marriage isn't just a split-second decision.

Let's think about this for a second:

If I were to marry him, he's made it clear that all he 

wants from me is a child so he can be a father before he dies.

And then, say I were to marry him, I'd probably have a 

Honeymoon baby, and then just a few months after that,

my husband would be dead, and I would be left

as a widow, with a very young child.

Would that sound like a good idea to anyone?

Let me know if I'm just being judgmental here.

But I'm pretty sure I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible for him,

terminal illnesses are not something I have a whole

lot of experience with, but I do know what it's like

to have someone close to me die. 

That in and of itself isn't fun.

It's got to be just awful for it to be yourself.

But, he wants to be a father so bad that he's 

willing to potentially ruin the life of a woman 

just so he can say he was a father before he dies?

I believe in dreams.

But I don't believe in dreams that ruin other people's lives.

And that's certainly not going to be my life.

So yeah, I had my first marriage proposal tonight...

It was really weird.

 

You're cute, even over the phone...

Cutest thing happened last night!

So, I will admit this openly,

adjusting to "normal" life has been really hard.

It's hard to see or find meaning in 

anything I do nowadays. 

Days go by, and I just feel like "really? 

it's only been that long?"

Because it feels like forever.

So, I've been having a bit of a struggle with it,

and last night I just couldn't handle it by myself,

so I asked Ricky if I could call him when he 

got home from where ever he was.

He said I definitely could,

so then it was just the waiting game.

It was interesting, I asked if I could call him,

but he called me.  

I thought that was a really cute gesture.

As we were talking, I was pretty much just

venting, telling him everything about how I was

feeling, and sometime during the conversation,

I got emotional and started to cry a little bit.

But, being me, of course, I was trying

to swallow it and hide it.

At one point, he asked me a question,

and I was trying to answer, but I had a huge

lump in my throat, so I paused for a minute.

He asked if I was ok, to which I responded

that I was fine, and then he asked if I was crying,

to which I just said "maybe..."

and he said "I can hear it."

Me, being myself, I said "I'm trying not to."

and he responded by saying "I can tell, 

I know you don't like to, but it's ok. You can

let it out."

If we were in person, and he touched me

when he said that, I probably would have totally

melted and everything would have come out.

But, it was just over the phone,

so I held myself together.

 It was so sweet though, after I'd explained

everything about how I was feeling and why,

he had me read a couple scriptures that pretty much

said exactly what I needed to hear.

And we told each other that we would remind

each other to both read and pray, so neither of us

will forget.

It's funny, sometimes he talks really fast 

on the phone and I have to ask him to repeat what 

he just said.

It was really interesting though, at the end of our

conversation, we were talking about

personality types.  I had taken the "16 Personalities"

test and figured out that I'm an "ISFJ".

But anyway, we were talking about that, and 

Ricky told me that his result was an ESFJ,

so very similar to mine, but he's more of an extrovert

than I am.

So, after we got off the phone, I was a total creep 

and looked up the personality profile for ESFJ.

And, I liked everything I read!

Conundrum...

Ok, I'm going to complain about something,

and hardly anyone reads this so I'm going

to be COMPLETELY HONEST about it!

So, I have a problem.

Guys like me.

Now, before you punch your computer screen

pretending it's my face,

let me explain why this is a problem.

I'm REALLY PICKY about who I will

and won't date.

BUT, I also try to be sensitive to others' feelings,

including the feelings of guys that I'm 

not interested in romantically.

I know it takes a LOT of guts for a guy to ask a girl

for her number, or on a date, etc. etc.

I KNOW! 

So, then, I'm left with this problem that I can't

seem to be "just friends" with a guy.

It seems impossible for me to even "friends zone" them!

I've tried!

What happens?

They come back again later asking the same questions

I said "No" to before! 

Ugh!

Now, when I say I'm picky about who I will 

and won't date, let me explain that as well.

I'm old-fashioned.

I was at a meeting today, where people came up

and introduced themselves to me, and each time

someone would come up to introduce themselves to me,

I would stand up.

Common courtesy, polite, etiquette, maybe? 

I actually had a guy tell me that I shouldn't do that.

Excuse me? 

Guys aren't the only ones who should be polite.

That's what I mean by old-fashioned.

I believe old habits are still relevant, 

and should be used.

Nothing makes my heart flutter more than

when I guy calls me "Ma'am."

I hate the terms "Babe", "Sexy", "Hot,"

etc. Derogatory terms. Yuck.

Not attractive at all.

So, when I walk into a church full of guys

all dressed like punks with their bright-colored

suspenders and bowties and VANZ
whatever the heck else they come up with,

I don't take interest in any of them!

But, say a guy walks in with a nice suit on with a 

WHITE SHIRT, a modest tie, meaning

not too wide or too skinny, and not too wild or crazy,

and is clean-shaven, has a good haircut, 

and is wearing a belt that matches his shoes, 

and his socks match his pants,

WOW!

There's an attractive young man!

So, now, girls, I know you still probably want to
punch me in the face, because I've gotten
that response before when I try to vent about this
because it really actually bothers me that I can't
walk into a room, even a church-event,
where there are single guys
and not have at least one of them ask me for
my number.
It's annoying!!!
It's not a confidence-booster, because the ones
who ask are all the WRONG guy!
And don't tell me I'm being judgemental because
I base my first impression partly on how they dress,
because you can tell a lot about a person
by the way they dress and how they present
themselves.
So, here's the root of my problem:
I feel like I hardly have any girl-friends because
for some reason girls seem to hate me,
and I hardly have any guy-friends because
for some reason I can't just be "friends" with a guy,
because they always want it to be more.
So, there's my vent.
I feel like I have no friends.
The end. 

Smorgesboard... I'm not sure how to spell that

Well, this past week has been weird.

On a good note I got to talk to Ricky the other day

via Google Hangout.

Thank the Lord Almighty for whoever invented that.

But anyway, as I was saying,

this past week has been really strange.

Probably because it's really starting to set in 

how different home-life is going to be from the 

mission field.

And it's not necessarily a "different" that I like.

Regular life just seems to meaningless 

now that I've served my mission,

which makes me feel horrible because 

I do enjoy being home with my family, but

I feel as if everything I do here is almost pointless

and doesn't really make a difference to anything

or anyone.

It's an awful feeling, and I don't like it.

It doesn't help that my personal habits of 

reading my scriptures and praying have been 

rather "shot" because things have gotten so crazy,

and for some reason I feel like if I try to set some

time aside to actually pick up and study,

it'll be kind of blind because I don't have an objective.

I don't have specific people that I'm studying for.

Which then makes me feel apathetic, because

of course I can be making contributions to

my family's spiritual welfare, but for some reason

I don't feel inclined to do that because I feel

like that's my parents' job.

I don't know.

I miss my mission...

I miss it a lot.

I miss the direction, the structure, 

everything having significant meaning,

etc. etc.

I want to go back, but I know that's not 

possible.

It doesn't help that my older brother is still on his mission

and so now I almost feel envious of him because

he's doing all the wonderful, meaningful stuff.

But, I was honest and told him that I

feel like I'm having "post-mission depression", 

so maybe he'll have some suggestions on what I can do

to try to find meaning for my life.

I feel weird asking Ricky about it, but I know

that that's in part because I'm afraid to get too attached

to him, even though I feel like he's a guy I would want

to marry...figure that one out.

But maybe I will ask him about it, because

I need some help, before this gets bad.

Holy Awkward... Story of My Life

Ok, so, this is really annoying. 

Everything's been going pretty ok with Ricky

except that the other night, Ricky and I were Skyping,

which was great by the way,

and NICK called me!!! 

Why the heck did he call me???

I didn't answer the phone right away, but I decided 

I would call him back when I was done Skyping.

He would only be calling if it was something important,

right?

So, anyway, I finish talking with Ricky, and I decide that
out of the goodness of my heart, I will call Nick back.
I call, and he sounded awful.
He sounded really depressed.
I think he might have been crying, honestly...
So, we were talking, and he said he just wanted to talk..?
So, we were talking, and Ryan texted me and said
he wanted to try out Google Hangout because
Skype is retarded.
Is that surprising?
Of course not.
So, I gave him my email address, and then he asked
me to get onto my email, so I did.
Keep in mind, I was still on the phone with Nick...
When I got onto my email, Ricky was already on,
and he video called me right then!
I didn't even think about the fact that I was now
talking to two guys at the same time, and neither
of them knew who the other was...
or at least I didn't think about it until it was too late.
When I realized what happened, I quickly
tried to end one of the conversations, and
it ended up being the one with Ricky.
But, by then, they had both heard each other's voices
and had said "Who's that?"
I gave a short introduction for both of them,
but then Ricky had to go, so the video call ended,
and then I was left talking to Nick.
I explained exactly who Ricky was, and that
I'm very interested in him.
Nick tried giving me some dating tips and such,
and I said that nothing had even been said about
the way we feel about each other, to which
he responded that that was the smart thing to do,
since long-distance relationships never work,
and I just said "I know." in a very "DUH" way,
because hey, that's what happened with me and Nick.
So, it took about 3 days for me to be able to
talk to Ricky again after that night, but luckily,
I did just talk to him last night, and I got to
explain who Nick was,
and Ricky seemed more contented with
knowing that I wasn't two-timing.
That is so not me!
I mean, sure, I'm a free spirit,
but that's just rude.
But yeah, that's my awkward story...
Ta-da!