Dating is spelled R-e-t-a-r-d-e-d

So, I talked to Ty again today, just to figure out what we thought we should do about our situation.

He called me, and we talked about everything, and of course, he wanted me to tell my view of it first.

I had prayed about it a lot, and what I thought was the best thing to do was, if we see each other at all, that it should be at a bare minimum, if at all.

He said what he thought of it was that if we spend lots of time, he would fall for me again.

I guess he really really likes spending time with me, more than a lot of people.

It's flattering, but at the same time, slightly alarming.

I understood what he meant though. Just because of our past, if we were to spend a lot of time together, we would eventually miss what we had, and go back to what was going on before. Which, if I felt he and I would eventually be together, that wouldn't be a problem. But I already know it's not him.

And, honestly, I'm ok with that.

Which is really weird for me to say, because for the longest time, I was sure that he was the one, but now I know he's not. Even though he is a very good guy, and he has become very much a man within the past few months, he's still not the one for me.

At least, I'm more than sure that he isn't. 

It's such a weird sensation, feeling almost as if I already know who it is that's meant for me, but I still need to grow.  

Although, hopefully that growth doesn't involve dating.

Because I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of Jason being a dork. 

I've decided I'm done with him, and any other guys I meet at Institute, or any other social events put on by the church.

That's the only reason they do big gatherings for Young Single Adults, to get us to socialize and pair off and get married.

NO THANK YOU.

I'm perfectly fine where I am, I don't need any extra drama of people trying to find marriage partners.

Bleh.

I still need to write Nick back. He wrote me the week before I went to Girls Camp. I should probably do that. That's the nice thing about him not being here, hehe. I don't have to deal with the drama of that.

Why is dating so dramatic? 

Marriage is just as dramatic.

Does it ever end?

Why is the most important reason for us to come down to earth also have to be the most frustrating?

Thank you Satan.

Get out of my love life.

Interesting Night for the Weirdness

I did something crazy yesterday, because I'm sick of Jason being a retard.

So anyway, I basically spent all of yesterday all on my lonesome, 

because my family was all gone crawdadding, and my brother had work, then he was going on a date.

And I was doing nothing. 

At all.

So, I went to Costa Vida for dinner, which yeah, I sat at a table all by myself.

No big deal. Then I went over to Macey's because it's close to it, and I was just walking around looking at random stuff, and I had this little thought.

That I should text Ty. 

At first, I was just like, "whatever." and I ignored it, because I couldn't talk to him. That'd be weird. But then it kept coming back, and I couldn't get the thought out of my head.

I started to wonder if I could actually pull it off. But I was way too chicken to try to just start talking to him.

So then, I tried coming up with this little plan.  I would text him and another friend whose name starts with T and just say that I'd sent it to him on accident...Oops.

I was all set with it, but as soon as I pushed "send", I panicked and pushed "cancel."

My heart was pounding, and I could scarcely breathe, but I felt better, because I hadn't actually gone through with it.

Then my phone vibrated.

And I swore to myself.

Apparently once the signal is sent, it's sent and there's no cancelling it.

So, I did exactly what I'd thought out and said "Sorry, that wasn't meant to go to you!" 

At first, he asked who it was, and I avoided the question, but then he said "Wait, I know this number."

And I swore to myself again.

I explained to him what had "happened" and he was totally chill with it, and even struck up a conversation with me.

I was actually really surprised that he didn't just go "oh, it's you. Ok bye" because that's what I had expected all along, but no, he just went on about how I had given him a graduation present and he knew it was from me, and I was like "well yeah, duh."

and he said "you should've signed your name on it." 

and I was like "H no."

so then he asked what I was doing, and I said I was walking around the outside fence of the temple by myself, because my brother was going on a date, and my parents were gone still. He asked if I would like some company, and I said "sure", so he came up to the temple, and we found each other and started walking around. 

We walked around the temple once, I think, then we walked back up to the street and across to the park, where we found a table and kicked it.  Not literally kicked it, but just sat down and talked, which PAY ATTENTION! when we were talking, I found out who barked at me that one time.
It was his friend.  He was telling me how said friend has gotten into a habit of barking at people, and as soon as he said that, I busted up laughing, but he never knew what I was laughing at...
Thank heaven for that.

(For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, I'd recommend reading this:)

I Promise I'm Not a Stalker!

When i got tired of sitting down, we walked again, but this time around the whole perimiter of the park, and around the Developmental Center which is close by.

When we got back to the temple, we went on a drive, and we drove around basically everywhere, including the pond he took me to in December where we'd had our discussion on everything that had happened, and I'd ended up crying in front of him. 

It was actually rather interesting, he asked me if I remembered what happened at that place, and I was like "oh yes, I remember very well." 

He asked what I meant, and I told him that the whole thing with me crying in front of him had really kind of embarrassed me, and he asked why, because he'd seen me cry countless times before that, and I said that that time, I really hadn't wanted him to see me cry. He said he understood, and then he said, teasingly of course, that when I had jumped when he put his hand on my shoulder, was the most insulting thing that has ever happened to him. 

I explained that I hadn't had phsyical contact with pretty much any of my guy friends in months, and him touching me felt like I'd just been electrocuted, and he nodded.

After we were done talking there, we went to his highschool and walked around the track outside of the football field. 

It was really weird, all the places we went were places that hold a lot of memory for us.  He told me earlier though, that he's been doing a lot of things to relive old memories before he leaves though, so I'm guessing that's what was going on.

I wouldn't think he would want to relive the memory of walking around the park though, because at least for me, that wasn't exactly the most pleasant memory I've had with him.

So yeah, when it got to be kinda late, we went back to the temple so I could get my car, which, miraculously, hadn't been ticketed, and before I got in my car, he gave me a hug, and it was actually a really long hug, which was weird for him. Usually when I gave him hugs, they were very short, unless you go back a reeeaaallly long time to when we were together, then there was hardly even a moment when we weren't basically attached to each other.

I feel so weird talking about this, because it's not upsetting to me at all, to be talking about our mistakes, and the good times. It's not making me miss him nearly so bad, and I'm not getting all upset and crap. Instead, I'm just really tired, but that's because I stayed up too late talking to him.

We were confused about what to do now, now that we've broken the ice and talked again.

He asked if I considered us to be friends, and I said I'm not sure, because ex's being friends is usually kind of risky.

So yeah, I think I've decided I'm going to tell him I can see him once, maybe twice more before he leaves, and I'll come to his farewell, like, at his church, but I won't come to his house because that would just be too awkward.

But I think that's what I'm going to do. 

And as for Jason?

I'm done with his games.  He's back from where ever it was that he disappeared to, and I still haven't heard from him at all. So yeah, I'm not even going to try anymore. I'm sick of it all.

Ready for the fire?

K, so, I've been at girls camp since Tuesday, got back today, and guess what?

Haven't heard anything from Jason all week.

I even had 7 text messages right when we came out of the canyon from camp, and NONE of them were from him!

What in the heck!

Needless to say, I'm pretty pissed.

I don't take being used like this lightly.

He asks me to come over and hang out with him, has a little fun with me, then disappears?

He either better be seriously maimed, or dead.

Or he's going to be very shortly.

Next time I cross paths with him, which probably won't be until next Thursday.

Whatever.

As it would turn out, Nathan and Jason are very good friends, and today, Nathan was asking me about camp, and about what my plans were for today, and I told him that if Jason texted me back, I would go hang out with him.

Then the conversation switched to the relationship between Jason and I.

Nathan insisted that Jason is madly in love with me, which I scoffed at and said "Pfft, I'll believe that when he tells me." because this secretive, not-talking-to-you-for-a-week thing is really getting on my nerves.

I've had similar treatment before, and he has no good excuse for it.

So yeah, pretty much, if he's not already dead, he's going to be in a remarkably short amount of time.  About as much time as it takes for me to whip out my pepper spray.

We'll see if he wants to walk me to my car next week.

I won't let him.

I'm mad.

And if he knew, he wouldn't even dream of making me mad.

I'm the wrong person to make mad, because I get ferocious and nasty when I'm angry.

He better be ready for the fire, because it's coming.

Why does this have to be so boring?

I don't know why, but it seems like with every guy I date, I can usually tell on the first "date"

whether I want to or could possibly be with said person forever.  

Mark was a no.

Nigel was a no.

Ty doesn't count because we had planned out our whole future together. I thought I was going to marry him.

Nick, I don't know.

Jason, ugh, I'm kind of thinking no, but frick, what fun is that??

I mean, we're supposed to date to have fun, but also, we're looking for a partner in marriage.

If I can't see myself marrying the person I'm dating, what's the point in even dating them in the first place?

To just have a fun time with the person?

No, at least I would assume so.

Because you put yourself through a whole lot of unneeded heartbreak for no reason whatsoever, that could have easily been avoided.  

So, what's the point?

I don't know. I know I shouldn't just stop dating till I find the person I know I'll marry, cuz if I stop dating, I'm never gonna find him.

I don't know, maybe I need to give Jason more of a chance to prove himself. After all, I have only been on one "date" with him.

Only now he's being weird.

He rarely ever talks to me, and it's been 3 days since he was Mr. Flirt Up a Storm With You. If that was all just for nothing, I swear I will kill him.

Cuz that's just rude.

Like, really rude.

Idk, I've even asked him if he wants to hang out when I get back from Girls Camp on Friday, but he hasn't even responded to me. 

What's with that?

I'm hoping it's just some sort of weird unforseen circumstance, like his phone is having problems, or he's just busy. But I'm not gonna be at Institute this week, so I won't see him. So if he doesn't get back to me, I'm not gonna see him for like, 2 weeks.

Which would be really lame.

But if he doesn't respond to me, I guess whatever. 

Gotta remember, I'm being hard to get.

It shouldn't be this easy for him to get to me.

So why is it?

This makes no sense.

Ugh, I've said it many times, and I'll say it yet again.

I hate guys.

Boys.

Men.

All of the above.

I hate them all.

They make life so friggin complicated and frustrating.

Why can't they just be simple to understand, like they always claim, but everyone knows it isn't true?

Bah, beats me.

Whatever.

We'll see what happens on Friday when I get back from camp.

Oh frick, I'm a horrible person

Hi, so, I have another story. Only it's not about Mark. 

I'm really rather glad I made the post about how Mark is driving me nuts, because I've already found somebody else...

Little bit of back story though.

K, I met this guy when I was in 7th grade.

I had the biggest crush on him for years, but I never told him.

Now, I see him rather frequently.

Guess who?

Jason.

Yes, Jason who kidnapped me to the Nerf war last week.

Because, let's be honest, if anyone else had done that to me, I would have punched them.

But it was Jason. So I didn't.

I can't really explain it...

He's more than captivating to me. He's intoxicating. Not that I need it all the time, but it's a definite perk.  

Another thing I can't exactly explain.

I can be around Mark and be all cuddly and whatnot and not even think twice.  But, Jason puts

his arms around my waist and I'm two infinity and beyond cloud 9.

My chemistry with Jason is towers over mine and Mark's.

It's a little shrimpo next to my chemistry with Jason.

So anyway, here's the story.  

I went to Lifeguard Games today, and it was fantastic, but afterward, I texted Jason because he'd asked me if I wanted to come over and watch Stargate with him, which I was fine with. 

I've seen the movie, might as well see the best.

So, I went over to Jason's house, and he was there, it was gonna be just us two.
I texted him that I was at his house, then when I opened my car door, he was standing out on his porch waiting for me.  So I followed him downstairs where his TV is, and he asked me if I wanted popcorn, I said sure, even though I don't exactly eat popcorn all the much, because the kernels always get stuck in my teeth and it's really frustrating. I could tell he'd put quite a bit of effort into this because everything was all neat and tidy, which as everyone knows is a rarity concerning guys.
So, we start watching the first episode, and I'm pretty interested, and we're talking every now and then, he's explaining things about the show that are confusing to me. Generally, everything was going fine, then during the second episode we watched, he started flicking kernels at me.
At first, I tried just ignoring it, but then one of them went down the front of my shirt and I gasped and bucked forward, catching the kernel in my shirt. I glared at him, and he looked rather embarrassed.
"Sorry..." He muttered, as I let it fall out the bottom of my shirt and caught it in my hand.
After that, he kept throwing them at me, so I started throwing them back, but after that got boring, he decided he was going to poke me instead.  As soon as he started trying to poke me, I jumped and moved over to the other part of the couch.
Side note: the couch was one of those round couches that curves so it can fit in a cornered room. I started off sitting in the corner because that's the best spot by far, but then he made me move onto one of the straight parts when he tried to poke me.
As soon as I moved over though, he grabbed one of my arms and pulled me back to the corner. Even if I'd been pulling against him as hard as I could, it wouldn't have done any good. He's way too strong.
Kinda like Ty...
Only Jason is a bit more forward than Ty ever was.
Jason's very much the type of "straightforward" person who doesn't wait on ceremony for anything.
I'm only hoping it isn't one of those things where he just does things like that to get some action from girls, because that would piss me off. I'm not gonna be used like that.
So after probably 15-20 minutes of him exploring which parts of my body are ticklish, which is almost all of it. He didn't touch me anywhere that he's not supposed to, but everywhere else...yeah.
I started getting a little annoyed by it, so I just tensed my whole body, and I can usually stand being tickled when I do that. He got frustrated by that, and asked "where's the spot on you that you can never help but be tickled?"
I looked at him dumbfoundedly and said "Like I'm gonna tell you. You wouldn't be able to find it anyway."
"Is that a challenge?" He laughed, and I backpedalled.
"No. I'm just stating the obvious. No one has ever found it."
"Why not?"
"Because it's kind of out of the ordinary."
He poked me right in the middle of my forehead.
"...really?" I asked, then broke into a laugh.  "If that was really it, I just - I don't even know, oh my gosh."
So then he kept poking me in random places. I was covering said ticklish spot with my hand inconspicuously, and he tried tickling my fingers.
"Will you give me a hint?" He complained. So, I was very vague.
"You're remarkably close." I said, because he had touched my fingers. I figured he would keep going up my arm or something. Nope, he reached under my hand and got it on his second try!
As soon as he touched it, I spazzed out completely, but he grabbed me, laughing, and attacked it. I grabbed his wrists and tried to keep him from getting it, but he'd always manage to get away and get me again.
Once, he trapped one of my arms between his knees, and my other arm he held with his hand, and he just kept tickling me relentlessly. I don't think I've ever been tickled that much at one time. 
He stopped for a minute, and I laid there on the couch gasping for breath.
"You wanna breathe for a minute?" He teased, and I couldn't even respond I was so out of breath.  Then suddenly, he started tickling me again and I squealed.  My arms were trapped, I was completely vulnerable, so all I could do was squirm and try to get my arms free, which wasn't going to happen.  I'm not sure why he did this, but when I was trying to not let him tickle me, my left shoulder would hunch up and curl away from him, and he'd always grab my shoulder and pull it back against his chest, and sometimes his fingers would graze over my jaw line and over my neck, and around my ear. It made my breath catch in my throat whenever he would do that, and he would blow air against my neck and over my ear, which would also have a weird effect on me, and I think he knew that.
Eventually, he let my arms go and I crossed them over myself protectively, curling my legs up into a total fetal position. I don't know whether he found this funny or what but he said,
"Dude, what's up with the security wall?"
I shrugged, and after a long time, I peeled my arms away from myself and just rested against his chest.  His fingers grazed over my arms, and over my neck and jawline again, and then he tried to tickle me again, and I'm not exactly sure how, but I ended up half-lying in his lap holding onto one of his wrists with both my hands, and holding his other wrist between my knees. 
He ended up getting out of that, and tickled me again, until my alarm on my phone went off and I stood up, but after I turned it off, and said I had to go, he grabbed around my knees so they buckled and I fell toward the couch, then he pushed against my back till I was about 3 inches from him, then grabbed me, kind of in a half-hug, half-cradle style type thing which was odd. I told him I really needed to go because I had to pick up my brother from work, and stood up again. I picked up my backpack which I use as a purse, and headed towards the door. He asked if I would come back after I dropped my brother off at work, I said I wasn't sure.
He asked if I wanted him to walk me out, and playfully, I said that it would influence whether or not I would come back.  He looked genuinely concerned, and walked me out to my car. He didn't hug me good-bye, but I thought about everything that happened for the rest of the day.
I can't help it that I'm so irresistibly attracted to him.. I seriously don't know what to do. He's 21, returned from his mission, and that means that if things go bad, I can't use the usual excuse of "well, I don't want to distract you from your mission" that I usually use on younger guys, like Mark. Which, speaking of that, I still need to do that...
See?
I'm horrible.
Blah.

That's embarrassing...

Ok... 

so, Mark is kinda starting to get on my nerves.

Today, I went filming with some friend's of mine (one of them is making a movie)

and Mark brought me food, which was really nice of him and all,

but when he got there, he just kinda walked in acting like he owned the place

(which is HUUUGE pet peeve of mine)

and I don't even know why, but he put my cup of water on top of Peter's head.

Not the water. The cup. With water in it.

I was like "What the heck?"

So then, he's just walking around, I don't know if he was trying to look impressive

or what, but whatever he was doing, it was kinda goofy.

So anyway, then it was time for us to leave because we were all done filming, and 

I was gonna ride with Mark to Fidget's house, because my car was there, 

but I still had my bag from the food Mark brought me. Mark took it from me, and 

just tossed it Fidget's car...

I looked at him like "Dude, what the heck?" and was like "That's really impolite" as

I picked it back up, and he said "Well, they're going somewhere like that anyway."

because all the rest of the people were going to go to McDonalds to get food.

But even so, you don't just dump your trash in someone 

else's car for them to take car of. 

That's just rude.

So I was like "No, this is mine, I'm taking it with us." 

I was really rather embarrassed.

I'm probably not going to bring Mark around Peter and Fidget anymore, cuz I was seriously

so embarrassed. 

He was being kind of a jerk to them. Like "I'm so much better than you sorry saps."

I can kind of understand that, however, because he lives in a very nice house, and 

doesn't have a whole lot of financial responsibility.  

In other words, he's still quite immature. He just acts like he's just as mature

as the rest of us, which kind of annoys me.

I'm really glad I never kissed him now. 

Good thing too.

I mean, I did make the commitment to myself that the next man I kiss is going

to be the one I marry, and I'm not breaking it for anyone.

I have an insane amount of faith that it will work, and that the Lord will help

me and guide me along the way, as long as I keep everything in perspective and

keep doing all the right things.

I'm not too surprised that I don't feel that Mark is the one for me.

It was fun, and nice, while it lasted, but I don't think it's going to go anywhere 

further than what it is right now, which means that it's gotta end.

Surprisingly though, I'm not as upset about the whole thing as I would have thought

I would be...

Maybe I'm just becoming desensitized to the whole shpeal.

I don't know if that's good or bad... 

This is why I don't do lessons on marriage! I end up getting kidnapped!

That basically completely sums up how Thursday went for me.

I went to Institute, after driving half an hour on the freeway and back to get 

my cute little laptop that I happen to be typing on right now. He's the best.

But anyway, I went straight from driving to pick it up to Institute, 

went and sat down in my class, and Nathan (who, by the way, hasn't really spoken 

to me in almost a month, but I don't care) was sitting in my classroom.

He got up and came and talked to me for a minute, and was like 

"So when's that lesson on marriage?"

I said "It better not be today or I'm leaving."

Guess what?

OF COURSE it was that night! Frick.

So, I sat politely through the whole lesson, and even put in some 

comments here and there, and after the lesson was done, I headed

out to where they give us food every night.

Yeah, I go to Institute for the food. And the spirituality. Dur.

But mostly the food. Haha

So anyway, a VERY old friend of mine has been coming to Institute lately.

A friend I met back when I was 12. He was 15 at the time, and I won't lie,

I had a total crush on him back then, but now I'm like "Ew."

The point of that is that he was walking around with his friend talking to 

people, and decided to come say hi to me.  

I'm gonna call him Jason.

His friend's name is going to be Kyson.

Ok. 

So, I'm standing talking to one of my friends, and suddenly Jason

comes up and says "Gracie-lou-freebush!" which was my 7th grade nickname,

and then he just GRABS me and hugs me!

I was like "Uh...Hi Jason."

So, as if that wasn't already awkward enough, then he and his friend wouldn't

LEAVE.

They joined our circle and were talking to us, and then Jason decided to people on the

other side of the circle were cooler, so he blocked out me and my friend.

She says "That was kinda rude, he just basically closed us out."

We were talking loud enough so that he could hear us, but he wasn't

paying attention, which was one of the things we talked about in Institute.

How girls will have "secret" conversations loud enough for guys to hear

but the guys won't be paying attention so they miss out on something that

was probably really important. That's what Jason was doing, and I thought it was

hilarious.

 Finally, Kyson turns and is like "What?"

So I say "Nothing, we weren't talking to you."

Then Jason turns around and is like "What? What were you talking about?"

Me and my friend laughed at him. Then he looked really concerned.

"No, what were you saying? Tell me." He said, and I could tell he was nervous.

So I said "No, I was talking loud enough for you to hear, but you weren't listening."

I was relishing in every moment of this. Yeah, I'm a jerk, whatever.

It started to get a little darker, then Jason says "You guys should come have

a Nerf war at another church pretty near here."

My friend says "I can't, I have work early in the morning."

So then they turn to me and Jason says "Come on, you gotta come."

I say "I don't know..." 

but in my mind, I'm thinking "Frick, think of an excuse!!!"

I didn't come up with anything fast enough, because suddenly Jason starts coming

toward me, so I back up right into Kyson, who swipes my feet out from under me,

and Jason helps him pick me up and they start carrying me away from the building!

"Put me down!" I screamed, and I squirmed out of their grip. 

Jason smirked, and said "You gotta come."

"Ok, fine, I'll come." I gave in, and he was about to grab me around the shoulders

but I backed up, putting up my hand and said "I'm driving myself."

And he said "Ok, then let's go to your car."

"My car is up at the park." I said matter-of-factly, and he shrugged.

"Ok, come with me to my car, and I'll take you to your car."

My mouth hung open uselessly, and he said "Ok, let's go." and took my arm,

leading me away from the building. I walked with them down the street to where his 

car was parked in front of this old lady's house, who was an old family friend of theirs.

His cousin is a good friend of mine, and as we were passing in front of the house, 

I looked in the open window and she was sitting at the table talking to the old lady.

Of course.

She looked out at us like o.O

and I made a face like "Help!"

I got into his car though, and thank heaven he drove me up to my car, like he said

he would. I will admit I was nervous he wasn't going to.

When we parked next to me car, he got out and practically raced around

the front of his car to open my door for me, then he did the same for MY car door,

which was nice and chivalrous and all, but honestly, I was like "dude, you're

trying too hard." inside.

"Are you gonna come?" He asked as I got in my car.

"I told you I would." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Ok.. don't ditch me." He said, and I nodded at him, half-smirking.

I followed him to the church, and we found where we needed to suit up

and get all of our guns/ammunition. 

I knew more about Nerf guns than he did, which was hilarious, because he

kept getting his jammed and I'd have to fix it for him.

It made me super nervous though, because every frickin time he wanted to 

talk to me, he would literally stand RIGHT OVER ME, which I've been

told means that he was "inconspicuously" trying to look down my shirt, which I 

certainly hope not, because that's sick. Either way, it made me feel super nervous.

After two rounds of teams, we were reloading, and he reached over and poked me

in the side! I haven't seen him in 6 years but I guess he still remembers that I' m

super ticklish. Ugh. So anyway, Kyson saw me jump, and after that, both of them wouldn't

stop poking me, and I swear I nearly punched one of them in the face. But, instead, I just

shot them in the face with my Nerf darts.

For the last round, we were playing zombies, and we all went and hid in the chapel 

overflow, under the benches. It was dark, and Jason's head was at my feet, and we were

just whispering about random stuff, and suddenly he grabbed my ankle. I jerked my foot

away and was like "What the crap are you doing?" 

"You're not ticklish there, are you?" He asked, and I was really temped to just kick 

into the darkness and hope I hit him in the head. I refrained, though, but later,

he grabbed my leg, higher up on my calf, and I kicked his hand.

"Stop touching me!" I hissed, hearing a soft "ow." come from where he was hiding. "Ok,

fine." He said, and I sighed, exasperated.

After that round, it was time for me to go home, but Jason was leaving at the same time. 

Of course, he came and opened my car door for me again, and I got in, he said 

it was nice to see me again, then shut my door and I drove off.

Two nights ago, I was on my laptop again, working on a project for my Girls Camp

this year (I'm the assistant Girls Camp Director for my ward) and Mark 

(the guy I've been kinda dating, kinda not) had asked me if I wanted to hang out,

but I told him I better not because it was kinda late, and he said "Ok."

Not kidding, two seconds afterward, my phone starts vibrating up the wazoo,

and I look at it, and Jason was calling me! (I left out that detail, he'd managed to snag

my number.) I answered, and he was like "Hey, me and some friends are gonna 

watch a movie, you should come." and I was like "I can't tonight, I'm pretty busy."

and he says "Why? What are you doing?"

Talk about invasive!

If I wanted you to know, I would tell you what I'm doing! Dur!

So I told him what I was doing, and he was like "oh...ok." but then I felt bad, so 

I said "Maybe another time."

And now I'm seriously regretting it.

I don't know when he's gonna try that again, but I really hope it's not anytime soon.

That would just be weird.

That's my story from last week. 

Mark was gone for a week fishing in Alaska, everyone kept being like "It must

be so hard with him gone." and I'd be like "no, not really" and they were like

"Whaaat???" and I'd just laugh.

I'm not committed! Come on!

And this is why, crazy stuff happens when you commit to someone.

Bleh.

Who am I kidding? 

Crazy stuff happens even if you aren't committed to someone.

Guys are just retarded.

Frick

It's been almost a year,

and I'm still not even close to over Ty.

What is wrong with me??

Maybe it's the fact that I'm still

friends with his sisters on FB?

Maybe it's because I drive past his house 

all the time, although I gave up the 

watching his house to see if he's there.

Don't worry.

Uuuugh, I just want him to be gone! Gone,

on his mission, away from me, out of my life,

and don't bother me ANYMORE!

I want to move on.

I don't want to hold onto this forever, but that's

exactly what's happening, and I don't know

how to stop it.

I still think about talking to him sometimes.

I wonder what it'd be like.

I don't know.

I kind of just want to die, and not have to deal

with it anymore. 

I want to run.

I want to get away.

I can kind of see why he debated moving to

California with his dad in October.

He was running from me.

Now I'm running from him, but to him at the

same time... Go figure.

My grandma tells me she's so proud of me now

and the "good things I'm doing"

which is great, I am making a lot of good decisions

from what I can see right now.

But I still hurt so much, and I ache for that feeling

of love I used to get from him.

I always wonder if he'll invite me to his mission farewell.

Would I be able to handle it?

I would want to go and show my support, but being 

that many people, AND him...

Oh my gosh, I'm rambling.

I need to stop.

Ok.