Holy Shiza, I don't know what to do with myself!

Ok, so, last time, obviously, I was severely broken and hurt because of Ty's little announcement that he has somebody else.  I was very upset about it that night, and I tried talking to people, but for some reason, I kept getting the vibe that they were all going "Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before..." but really, it wasn't so much that I needed to drone on about how heartbroken I was. What I really needed was to figure out just WHY I was so upset about it.

My mom came in and was talking to me about it, and I finally figured out that it wasn't the fact that he has a girlfriend that upset me.  It was that it seemed like he told me that for the sole purpose of hurting me again. And after the past several months, when I've been sooo careful about what I do and what I say so I don't hurt him anymore, to have him say something like that, it was more of a "What did I do to deserve this?"  Because I had been trying so hard to be nice and considerate to him.

Speaking of being considerate.

That turned out to be the root of the problem.  Even while we were dating, Ty had a tendency to be incredibly inconsiderate.  Most guys are.  They just say things the way they are, because their feelings aren't as sensitive as girls'.  

After thinking about it for a while, I think that was the case for Tuesday.  I think he had just gotten to the point where he felt he can just talk to me like a normal friend, so he figured it'd be fine if he told me.  

Probably not the best thing in the world to do, but it's somewhat understandable.  I just couldn't bring myself to even possibly accept that he had malicious intent in telling me.  That just doesn't seem like something he would do.  He really is a good person.

I know I don't make him sound like the greatest person ever on here, because I mostly talk about the bad stuff, but he really is a good guy.  Just, not the guy for me.

That night, I decided that it's time to be done being upset about him.  If he's moved on to where he can talk to me like a normal friend, then what the heck am I doing still mourning over the fact that we're not together anymore?  

I can still be happy for him, and I am.  I wish him all the happiness in the world, but it's time for me to accept that he's moving on, and move on myself. I'm tired of feeling so depressed all the time because he's not here to make me feel better.

So, I wrote an oath to myself in my paper journal, saying that I will not spend the entirety of another day being upset over anything that has to do with him.  I signed it, dated it, so now it's in writing, and there is no way I can go back on that.  It's like my oath written in my scriptures that I'll read every day for the rest of my life.  I've still kept that oath.  So, I just have another one to keep now.

Anyway, that's all on that.

Ok, so, I have a story now.

There's a guy that I work with, his name is "Trent".

Trent has a girlfriend who is currently going to college very far away, and he's been really upset about it.  I kinda like Trent, but I know what it's like to have someone come after you right after you've been in a relationship and it sucks, so I've been trying to just be a friend to him when he needs, and not get in the way of this other girl because he still has really strong feelings for her.

I do not mess with other people's relationships.

I think it's rude.

Anyway, so he went on a cruise couple weeks ago, just got back today, and I was working. Didn't have any makeup on, my hair wasn't done, etc. He came walking in as I was walking over to my locker and said "Hey."  

I turned around, barely saw that it was him, only my brain registered him as somebody else, but then suddenly it clicked, and I did a double-take, and I felt like I was oggling at him!

I couldn't even help it! I totally face-palmed myself for that as soon as he'd left.

Cuz I mean, I'm trying to be nice, and not get in the way, but my subconscious keeps making me do things to try to get close to him, and I'm like "No, frick. Stop it!"
Anyway, that's that story.

Different story.

Remember Fidget?  Peter's friend?

Last night, we started a James Bond movie marathon.  There were 6 of us that ended up there.  Me, Fidget, and 3 of our other friends, then there was this girl who's completely obsessed with Fidget.  He doesn't like her at all, so before she got there we had this whole plan in place that me and Fidget were going to act like we were dating so she wouldn't bother him.  When she got there, me and Fidget sat really close together, and I put my head on his shoulder for a minute, just playing the part, kinda.  

I kinda sorta like him, he's really fun to be around, but I just kinda figured nothing would ever happen there.

Anyway, he got up to go get a drink, and the girl asks me "Are you and Fidget dating?"  before she'd even asked me my name.  She never asked me that, actually.

I said "Eh, things are kinda up in the air."  Not wanting to sound like we were anything committed, because I wouldn't be able to keep that going.

So then, I went over to Fidget, and I was like "Well, it's working" all quiet like, and he said "Yeah, but I kinda feel bad.  Just sit between us. That'll be fine."  So I was like "Ok, fair enough." So I sat in between them but nothing else for the rest of the movie. 

Seems pretty normal, right?

So then, today, he went hunting, so I didn't hear from him all day, which was fine, I didn't really mind. Then, at 11:00, after I'd just finished with an inservice for work, I got a text from him that was like "Hey beautiful ;) how art thou?" 

He's kind of a geeky/classy guy. Don't ask me how, but he is.

I seriously almost threw my phone when I read the message. I was like "What!? Aaah!"

So I just responded, telling him I was fine, and asked how hunting was, and we talked a little more about that.  He said that he might not make it back in time to watch the second James Bond movie tomorrow, and that we might have to do it Sunday, but then he was like "I really hope I'm back in time tomorrow though. I'd hate to miss it ;)"

What the heck is he even implying?

Did he secretly enjoy fake-dating me as much as I secretly enjoyed fake-dating him?

I have no idea! 

Bah!

While I was talking to him, me and several of my co-workers were at Denny's, and my friend Janica was talking to her much older guy friends, and they kept asking her to send them a picture of me!  

I seriously don't know what to do about all these freaking MEN! 

Uuuuugh! 

I knew you would be first..

Found out some really fun stuff today.  I was at work, and I'd gotten a couple texts from Nathan, but when I came back in from checking the pool chemicals, I had 3 text messages.

I looked, and one was from a friend from work, one was from Nathan, and the other was from -

guess who?

Ty.

He asked me how my book is coming. (the book I'm writing that's based in his school, that I've had to ask him for help on football terminology), and I said that it was coming alright, but I haven't had a whole lot of time or motivation to write because the past couple weeks have been really rough.

Heck, I'll just type out the conversation.

Ty: Red, Me: Grey, Sidenotes: Green

Ty: Hey, how's your book coming?

Me: It's coming slowly.. I haven't had a whole lot of time..or motivation..to write lol

Ty: Ha and why's that?

Me: The past couple weeks have been kinda rough.. I started up again last night though.

Ty: Uh oh.. are you ok?

Me: Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just one of those weeks when everything goes wrong, then friends start doing stupid things so then it's like *pull your hair out*, ya know what I mean?

Ty: Ha yeah, I understand.  Things can be tough, but you gotta stick with it.

Me: I know, I almost didn't, but I'm alright.

Ty: Did you want to talk about it?

Me: It was just kinda dumb, I'd been having a hard night, and I asked my dad for a blessing, and I felt better, but the next morning I lost my wallet, so I got really pissed off and that day was even worse, to give a basic summary.

Ty: I'm sorry Grace... Things have gotten better though... Correct?

Me: Yeah, it's still frustrating though, cuz I had to get a new drivers' license, new bank cards, everything. It's dumb.

Ty: That is really depressing Grace. Things do happen and hopefully you learned something about life.

Me: Oh, I did lol trust me, I did.

Ty: I'm sorry though..That can't be fun.  Are you on good terms with your friends?

Me: Kind of. One of them I have to stop talking to, and the other (Nathan) I had to tell him that he has to stop trying to make me fall in love with him or I can't talk to him anymore.

Ty: Yikes...Is that your only 2 problems with them?

Me: Yeah. But still. That's my two best friends..

Ty: That's true.. I'm sorry.

Me: Oh well, they don't all stay forever.

Ty: Yeah.. You should branch out.

Me: I have been. Sort of. It's not easy when it's only ever the same people around all the time.

Ty: Maybe the singles ward is the best option.

(He said THE WORD!)

Me: Nooo, I am not going to a singles ward. Ew. No.

Ty: Why not?

Me: I've been, several times. I hate it.

Ty: Ha try a different one. It's a good way to meet new people.

Me: It's a good way to get hit on. No thanks. I kinda have this thing against singles wards...I never want to go to one.

Ty: You should. Dean loved it, met a lot of friends.

Me: She's a lot more of a social butterfly than me.  I'm guessing you go to one, right?

Ty: Nope, I am getting ready for my mission and I have a girlfriend. Did you read that? Singles ward isn't for me.

As soon as I read that, I had the most horrible sinking feeling in my gut and I wanted to throw up and cry all at the same time.  I knew this was coming eventually, but I didn't expect him to just THROW it at me like that... But I finally gathered myself and was able to respond.

Me: I thought you didn't want to have a girlfriend before your mission..? Or am I wrong?

Ty: I didn't, not at all. I went on dates and stuff and my resolve was as strong as ever. But then almost 2 months ago I met her, and she's broken most of my rules.

Me: That doesn't sound healthy to me.. Just sayin.

Ty: Ha not in a bad way, just in my mind set.

Me: Ah, well that's cool. I wouldn't have done it, but that's just me.

Ty: Yeah, I wasn't planning on it.  But I don't know how to explain things when it pertains to her.

Me: Well don't. It's better that way.

Ty: You seem..Mad?

Me: Oh, no, I'm not mad.  I'm just a little stressed out.

That was a complete lie.  But I didn't want him to know that he'd single-handedly just destroyed me again, talking about his wonder-girlfriend. I convinced him that I was just stressed out over saving money for college, and then he just kinda disappeared..

As much as I hate to admit it, I cried while writing this post... Reliving this conversation was horrible. Like I said earlier, this wasn't entirely expected, but I didn't expect it to be this soon, or to have him just chuck it at me like he did.  Just like "Oh yeah, by the way, I'M DATING SOMEBODY!" 

It's like, "Ow.. thank you, I'll just take this knife out of my heart and try to re-stitch it together, again..."

I mean, I'm glad he's happy.

Or at least it seems like he's happy.

Now, all that's left is just to make sure he never knows how I feel about everything.

It still doesn't make sense though. Why do I hurt so bad over it? I expected it. I knew he would be the first one out of either of us to get into another relationship. 

But for some reason that makes it all the worse...

Two-Faced Liars

Most guys that have tried to pursue me insist that they care more about me than anything else in the world.  

It's a bunch of crap.  

Nathan, bless his heart, after last Thursday, tried pursuing me again.  Basically coming right out and asking if we could try being together,

after I had told him that I'm terrified of relationships. 

I gave him my many reasons for why I wanted nothing to do with a relationship with him, but he insisted that it would work, because he was certain that he could make me happy.

But, who was he thinking about?

Him.

Not me.

He wasn't wanting this relationship for "my betterment" as he claimed. Obviously, he just reeeaaallly wants to be with me and he was willing to give any reason he could to convince me it's a good idea.

So, I called him on it.

He denied it to the absolute furthest point, when he finally said "ok, i'm sorry..."

I'm so sick of him doing that.  Claiming to be doing everything for my benefit, but that's not really what he's thinking about.  

It's retarded.

I was venting to Taylor about it again, about how much I hate it when guys do that, and he said "That is one of the easiest tests that Mr. Right will pass and you'll see that"

I will see that.

So all those people that keep telling me "He's right in front of you, you never know who he is."

Yeah, I kind of do know who he is.

Because nobody has passed that test yet.

So, obviously, he hasn't shown up yet.

Relationships come and go. Apparently, so do friends.

So, I lost a friend today.

One of my best friends.

Peter.

I'm not going to say much about it,

only that the only reason I'm even getting

through this is because I went

and talked to Taylor after I had a 

fight with Peter earlier today.

I really miss Taylor.

Like, a freaking lot, dude.

The guy is like my big brother, and I

feel like I haven't seen him in ages.

At the end of our conversation, 

he asked me if anything else was wrong,

and I said nothing

even though it really wasn't nothing.

Oh, we girls have a horrible habit

of doing that.

I know.

But, he, being him, able to see right through

me, figured out what it was, 

without using words.

He advised me to pray tonight, long

and hard, about the decision I had to make

about Peter.

Also, what to do about Nathan.  

I'll get to that story a little later.

I am really grateful that I have Taylor as an

influence in my life, he's really a fantastic

person.

If God would send me a man who was just like

Taylor, I'd marry him.

Reborn

I hate it how after you've had an amazing spiritual experience, something happens and slams you back down and you feel like you can't get up again.

That was yesterday for me.

I had planned on going to the temple yesterday, but then, inevitably, something went wrong.

I lost my wallet. 

And it had my temple recommend in it.

So, instead of going, I spent the whole morning and into the early afternoon looking for it, listening to the Spirit as best as I could to direct me to where I'd lost it, but I found nothing. Not even a trace of where it had been.

Going home in an even worse wave of despair than last night, I sat in my room and began to wonder if my fight was really worth it.  

Did God really care that I was struggling?

Because if He'd been urging me so much to go to the temple, why hadn't he showed me the way to allow me to get there?  I was rather distraught, and the last thing I wanted to do was pray.  

I was angry with God, for I felt that He'd been withholding his help from me. I'd been trying sooo hard to do the right things, but I kept running into roadblock after roadblock, and it's been so frustrating, because I need help. I know I can't get through it by myself, but I felt like He was purposely not helping me.

Naturally, I spent the whole day struggling to remain emotionally intact, and Nathan asked me to come to Institute with him, but I was in no mood to do anything "church-y".
He ended up making me go with him, because he just came to my house and said "Are you ready to go?"
I glared at him a lot, and wouldn't talk to him the whole time we were in the car.
When we got to the building, we sat in the back, and I turned sideways, only half listening to the lesson.
It started off with him talking about Satan, and the way he works.
He showed us this video from Mormon Messages, about how sometimes we can be caught, but we can be freed.  

.

When it talked about the Atonement, I got kinda teary-eyed, and afterward, the teacher continued talking about the way Satan works, and how that related to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
I still wasn't giving all of my attention to him, because I still felt somewhat cheated and abandoned by God.
At the very end of the lesson, he said "I just wanted to share this last video with you, because sometimes, it's not sin that we're trapped in."

This was the message I'd needed to hear all day.  It hit me hard, and I could barely keep myself in check so people in the class wouldn't know I was crying.
After class was over, Nathan took me up to the temple grounds and we walked around, talking about what we'd just learned, and how it applied to me.

There was a video the teacher had shown us the week before, that basically put the Atonement into direct perspective.  It's a great video, I love it.

If you watched it, you saw how at the end of the video, when the girl is fighting against the "demons" to get back to Christ, they tear away her black shirt to reveal a white shirt, but even then, she's still fighting.
By herself.
It isn't until she's given everything she has, and been literally thrown to the ground, looking like she's going to give up and not bother continuing to fight,  that Christ steps in and blocks the demons from getting to her anymore.
As Nathan and I sat up at the temple grounds, I wondered if that's not what yesterday was for me.
If that wasn't my moment of being thrown down, not wanting to get back up, then Him coming in and rescuing me from the demon pushing me down.
One of the things the Institute teacher talked about was how Satan assigns his followers to attack those of the righteous who are sincerely trying to do their best and keep the commandments. But, if that's true, we also have that many of God's angels assigned to be our guardians.  Sometimes I wonder just how many are around me all the time, sometimes it scares me, but at other times, it's a wonderful comfort, knowing I have someone, or someones, surrounding me and protecting me from the adversary.
Since that night, I've been doing better.  Not stellar, but better.
And that's all that matters right now.

Courage

I've never really given a whole lot of thought to the word.  I always just thought of people like Harry Potter, or Frodo Baggins, people who have marvelous but perilous adventures but come out on top in the end, because that's just the way it is.  Good always wins.  

I never realized just what I had been missing.

It's the same for me.

I, in my own way, am like Harry Potter or Frodo Baggins.  I have my own marvelous, but perilous adventure that I deal with every day.  Every day it changes, every day new circumstances arise that were maybe unexpected or unwanted, but they come.  There's nothing I can do to stop that.  

It's called Life.

I've been selling myself short for a long time, thinking that I wasn't worth the extra effort of anybody else because the battles I'm fighting weren't that big of a deal.  They should have been easy for me because they seem to be so easy for everyone else.

Here's my problem though.

I love.

Deeply, truly, and completely.

It devastates me when someone I love is hurt, or sad.  But I've found that it was even worse when someone I love hurt me.  How could they do such a thing if I loved them like I did?

Perhaps that's how the Savior feels sometimes.

He loves us inside and out, and sometimes we spit in his face and make bad choices, despite his constant efforts to remind us who we are, and who we can be.  What must he feel like when that happens?

Perhaps this has been my way of knowing.  But it hasn't been easy, for having been hurt so deeply by someone whom I cared for and trusted more than anyone else, I stopped loving myself, and everyone around me.

I put on a mask, and put up walls so high not even a Mongolian could scale them.

I wasn't able to see the good of any relationship, for if the opportunity came up for me to possibly consider dating somebody, I would run from it, because what I saw was the ending conversation of "it's over." before it had even began.  The pain of abandonment ruled my thinking and I no longer trusted that any good would ever come from any sort of relationship.

I knew I was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to change my behavior, because I was afraid.

Afraid of change.

Afraid of pain.

Afraid to trust.

Afraid to love.

Afraid to let the world see me for who I am.

Because the more people know about you, the easier it is for them to hurt you.  You can only trust that they aren't out to get you.  

I didn't.

I wouldn't have changed either, had a not had a talk with Nathan tonight that changed everything.

He convinced me to go on a date with him, which I was more than skeptical of, being me, but I went nonetheless.

We went to Denny's and talked about my book that I'm writing, but the fact that it was a date still put me on edge.  He knows me possibly better than any of my other friends.  He has this horrible gift of being able to see through me.

When he dropped me off at my house, we started talking about why dates and relationships make me so nervous, and got to the root of the problem.

In a sense, I've forgotten how to trust.

I've been so consumed with my own guilt, pain, and regret, that the thought of being able to love and trust again seemed impossible.

Nathan was a willing listener, but when I wasn't talking, he was teaching me things he's been learning in his therapy sessions, most of which I could apply to myself.

Turns out I've still been asking myself that same question: Why me?

I thought I was done asking that question, but it's still a prominent issue for me, not being able to understand what role this mistake had in making me a better person.  

I've learned from it, that's for certain, but the only good I saw coming from it was being able to help a good friend of mine avoid a bad relationship.  Nathan suggested that maybe that was the purpose, but I said that I don't want to be the example of what NOT to do.  

Nobody likes being the example that people look at and say "Oh, don't do what she did."

It's rather embarrassing and somewhat humiliating.

But after going inside,  talking with my dad, and receiving a Father's Blessing, I've started looking at it a different way.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be the example for what not to do.

Maybe I was meant to be the example of overcoming.  Maybe the purpose of all this is to show people, and myself, that even the hardest trials can be overcome.

This is, without a doubt, the hardest trial I have ever come to face.  It has been a dominant part of my life for the past year, and it's not over yet.  

But it's not over until I give up.

But only I can make that decision, because the Lord isn't going to give up on me. 

And I hope that my friends won't give up on me.

What significance that word has...

Hope.

Hope for the future.

Hope for relief.

Hope for guidance.

Hope for courage.

That was what I had lost.

I had lost hope in ever overcoming, and because of that, it was a huge setback for me, and I almost had to start over.

I very well might when Ty leaves for Korea.

But I have to keep remembering.

I'm not alone.

So long as the sun continues to shine every morning when I wake up, I can rest assured that I'm not alone.

As my dad said in my blessing, the Spirit of the Lord will be my wings, my swift feet, and my strong arms.

I'm still learning how I can fully give my burden to the Lord, because I've tried, but for some reason I continue to mull and despair over the same problem.  

That's the next adventure.

Learning to let go.  To give up my burdens to the Lord.

And most of all, finding the courage to wake up each morning and say 

"I can do this."

I'm so done with disappointment

So, apparently Peter isn't doing as well as I 

had once thought.

Which really kinda pisses me off.

I mean, I put my heart and soul into trying to get

him to come back to church, and it's 

resulted in nothing at all.

What is missing??

I mean, the only thing that's come of it is

he's completely desperate for a relationship,

and because of that, he started 

dating this girl who really isn't a good influence.

If anything, it's dragging him right back into

the hole that I spent a freaking year and a half

trying to dig him out of!

Uuuugh!

I mean, yeah, it's his decision to come back or not,

but I would think it's just somewhat 

inconsiderate when you have a friend who is

putting themselves completely on the line to try to help

you be a happier person, and then to just turn

around and be like "nevermind."

He'd rather have a girlfriend.

I even told him once that he should do what I'm doing,

and just not date altogether, and he was like
"Oh my gosh, I could never do that."

And my thought was "Then you are already gone."

And whaddaya know?

That's basically what's happened.

I'm actually finding that I get along better with

Fidget, Peter's best friend.

He's a really cool guy.

I couldn't ever date him, cuz for one, I'm done

dating guys that are shorter than me,

because it's kind of irritating.

And I think it'd kinda piss Peter off if we 

started dating.

And not to mention, I don't think it'd be worth it

to risk a friendship over the slim chance that you'd

discover that you are actually very compatible

with that person, and could

maybe marry them.

Not at this age anyway.

Maybe when I'm significantly older, but 

definitely not now.

And Fidget is trying to get on a mission, so I 

don't want to get in the way of that. No way.

I'm starting to wonder what is the point of me

even trying to get any of my guy friends out 

on missions, because as soon as I start trying, they start

liking me, and then I try to smack some sense 

into them, and then they get all depressed and go

right back to square one.

I mean, my brother has FINALLY decided to 

start working on his mission papers, and I'm really happy 

for him, like seriously, but it was starting 

to make me nervous, because he was being so wishy-washy

about the whole thing, which is never good.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand, a mission is hard.

Leaving your family for 2 years to go serve a mission,

I've considered serving a mission 

when the time is right for me.

But that's kind of a long ways away, and people have

started betting that I'm gonna be married before then.

Man, I have a lot on my mind tonight...

And I'm stalling time till Fidget gets off work so

I can talk to him.

I even tried talking to Peter tonight, and of course

he's busy with his girlyfriend, so I was like "screw this, 

I'm going to bed." 

I didn't literally say that, but that's what I thought.

Oh, and when I was visiting Fidget at work, 

he told me something wonderful about a certain old

friend of mine.

She and Peter had kind of a thing, and then things kinda

went bad, I won't go into details about it, but 

basically she really pissed me off, so I basically told

her off, and then apparently later, she was complaining

to Fidget, and was like,

"Grace is being really mean to me"

Blah blah blah

It's not being mean.

It's called ramming a railroad spike through your forehead

so you see how much of a moron you're being.

I would have been fine and gotten over it, but now that I

know how she feels about it, I don't think we're ever

going to be really close again.

And honestly, I don't really care.

I'm so sick of two-faced Mormons, who claim to be living

the standards, but then they don't show actual

charity towards people who really need it.

I don't think anything bothers me more than that.

So, if this affects a certain circle of friends for me,

come what may. 

She made her choice.

I don't put up with that type of behavior.

I know, she has psychological issues.

So does he.

Maybe it was just a bad match to begin with.

But seriously, her parents?

Craziest parents I've ever heard of.

She's 19 freaking years old, and she had a 

10:00 curfew.

10:00!!!

What college student has a 10:00 curfew!?!?

One who has freaking crazy parents.

Idk. now I'm just kinda rambling because I need stuff

to do until Fidget gets off work.

Hopefully it won't be very long.

If anything I may just need to go to bed and wait till

tomorrow morning.

Yep.

I think one of the reasons I'm pissed at Peter,

aside from the obvious, is that now that he's got

a girlfriend, he NEVER talks to me anymore!

Honestly, any relationship that tears you away from your

friends is a bad relationship.

You shouldn't be spending that much time with a significant

other anyway. Save it for marriage people.

Gal.

And I really needed to talk to him today.

Cuz today freaking sucked.

The whole "Ty's going on his mission in 4 months" thing

was really weighing down on me and I actually ended

up having a little mini emotional breakdown while

my mom and sister were in my bedroom.

Luckily, I have freaking ninja skills and neither of them

noticed.

Anyway, that's all for tonight.

Peace y'all.

Late Night Contemplations #1

I always find myself thinking deeply late at night.

Mostly just about things that bother me.

Tonight, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about said subject.

So, Ty got his mission call this week, and he opened it tonight.

He's going to Korea. 

Kudos, man.

But like, Idk what's wrong with me, I suddenly feel all empty again.

It's not like he was mine.

I mean, he used to be, but that was a loooong time ago.

I was thinking about that earlier this month, and it's 

been over a year since we were together. 

I guess the reason why it was giving me so much grief

was because I went to the Homecoming football

game at his Highschool tonight, and ohhhhhh

boy did that bring back old memories.  

It's just so weird to think that it was right at the beginning of

football season last year when we broke up.

I didn't go to any games at all last year.

And then going to his school's Homecoming game?

Holy cow, I thought I'd die of deja vu.

My mom is trying to convince me that what I'm

feeling is normal but I kind of don't believe her.

But, k. I just realized I better explain why the heck

I was at the game, because no, I was not trying to 

emotionally torment myself.

I went because I'm writing a book, and it's based in 

his highschool, simply because of location preference.

But anyway, at the beginning of the book, there's the

school's Homecoming game, and I do not know

 football to save my life.

So, I went to the real thing, and took notes.

Yeah, I took notes at a football game.

What the frick is wrong with me!?

I am such a nerd...

I had people staring at me the whole time,

which was really awkward.

but anyway, that's what was running through my head

tonight.

Still not sure what I'm gonna do about Ty.

I'll figure it out though.

 

 

This particular day gets more dull every year.

Do me a favor and don't read this post. 

It's just me ranting about a really unimportant subject,

and I don't want to make anyone feel bad.

So don't read it.

It wasn't so dull when I had a special someone occupying my life,

but now that I'm single, and I'm not a fan of flaunting the fact

that I'm getting old to all of my friends, nobody remembers it.

I don't even really feel like it's my birthday at all.

How droll is that?

You'd think that the day I came into existence would be of

some significance to me, but I'm having a really hard time being

grateful for the gift of life I've been given if no one else seems

to appreciate it.

Perhaps that's just me being selfish.

My parents made me breakfast in bed this morning though,

which was really nice of them, but I'll admit, I almost wanted to cry.

Is that how it'll be for the rest of my life?

The only people who will notice that I'm getting old are my parents?

I mean, even the person I had hoped would remember the most 

hasn't said anything about it at all. But then again, I don't

talk to him very often.

I don't know. Sometimes I seriously confuse myself.

I hate talking about what I want other people to do for me

for my birthday.  I can't be that self-centered, even on a day

when it should be "all about me",  I don't want it to be.

Because really, it's just another day to everybody else.

Kinda lame to think of it that way, I know, but I do.  I can't

really help it.

I mean, do people really appreciate each other's birthdays?

They always say "We're so grateful you came into our lives on

this day" but do they really mean it?

I feel like I'm losing my faith in humanity, but perhaps for a good 

reason.

I've had too many years of disappointment to expect any 

different now. 

I haven't even gotten a call from my Grandma today, and she 

usually doesn't forget anything. 

Maybe that's just the curse of being the second child.

You always get bypassed, because you're not the first,

and you're not the last either, and your're not in the middle, and

any middle child will always claim that they are ignored and 

forgotten the most.

I beg to differ.

In my family of 5 kids, my older brother was celebrated on turning

20 this year.  My sister was celebrated on turning 12. 

My first younger brother turned 10.

My youngest brother will soon be celebrated because he'll be 3,

and he's the youngest anyway.

Me?

I'm 19.

Big freakin deal.

One year closer to leaving my teen years behind, and
I'm the only one who's really noticed.

It's the days like these that make me really wish I still had 

a boyfriend.

Someone who could make me feel special by simply smiling

at me and telling me how special I am to him.

He'd make it a point to remember all the special dates because

he knew they matter to me.

But, for now, I guess I just have to keep being forgotten, by

all except my doting parents, who, despite my reluctant attempts

to get them to notice what it was that I sincerely hoped for

for my birthday, got me lip gloss.

Really awesome birthday, huh?

Crying shouldn't kill me, but for some reason it does.

I have a serious problem.
Like really, I do.
I never cry, over little things anyway, but
when something big happens that really upsets me,
I turn into a total trainwreck.
And then what's worse is the next day,
I have absolutely no energy,
my eyes hurt,
my heart hurts,
my whole body hurts.
It just kills me!

The reason why I bring this up is because
yesterday, it was kind of a lonely day.
I hadn't really done anything but work,
and I kinda wanted to talk to somebody, and
actually have some human contact before bed,
so I decided to ask Nathan if he wanted to
hang out for a little while after he got off work.
I ended up at Macey's when he got off and he
asked if I wanted him to come there.
I said yes, so he met me there, and we hung out for
a little while, and it was good.
We read funny birthday cards, and went through
all the different aisles for no apparent reason.
Then we went back out by my car and
ended up running into some old friends from Highschool,
which was nice to get to talk to them and such,
then Peter ended up texting me,
and in my response, Nathan told me to say
something funny, because Peter and Nathan
don't know each other.
But anyway, Peter was joking around and
said the word "damn" in one of his messages,
and Nathan was reading my texts over my shoulder
and he was like "Oh, he and i would not get along."
so I was like "Hey, don't judge him by the words
he uses."
and Nathan just looked at me and said:
"I judge people by their language."
so I said, trying to joke:
"Well damn it, stop it."
He gave me this look, and then just turned
around and LEFT.
Like, turned around, walked to his car,
and left me standing there in the parking lot
by myself.
I sat there for a second, completely shocked
and taken aback, but then suddenly it was like
someone had literally stabbed a knife into my heart
and re-opened the memories of the night that I broke
up with Ty.
Because he did something similar.
He left me there with no explanation, no good-bye,
nothing.
I got into my car and drove home, trying to not let it
bother me, and just saying "whatever, if he wants to be
like that, let him. It's no skin off my nose."
but for some reason, even after I got home, I couldn't go to sleep,
I couldn't even calm down.  I just sat by the computer
where my brother was watching videos on Youtube.
It was a good half an hour or 45 minutes and then
suddenly I got a text from him that said:
"Are you ok?"
And the rest of the conversation went like this:
(Me: grey, Nathan: red, Sidenotes: green)
I didn't respond.
"If you don't respond I will send out search parties
for you."

"Go ahead, I dare you."

"Why are you mad?"

"Did you seriously just ask me that?"

"Yes I did."

"That's a dumb question."

"No, I kinda feel like you don't have a reason."

"Whatever. Go away."

"You leave, and this is good-bye"

"Fine."

"So what is your choice?"

This put me over the edge again, because 

if you remember, the night I broke up with Ty, he had

basically given me the same ultimatum.

Stay, or go. So, I said nothing.

"Your silence is impeccable. Very well, I hope
this choice made in anger suits you."

"I should have made it a long time ago."

"Your words don't hurt me anymore."

"You decided to be a big tough guy now, huh?"

"No, just an honest one."

"An honest, judgemental one."

"No, you have no idea what that kind of language
does to me."

"No friend would stay with you after being LEFT

like that."

"You swore AT me."

"Yeah, I did. And you're being a complete girl 

about it."

"No, Grace. I'm not. I'm standing up for what
I believe in, and you're being very rude about it. Yes,
I was a bit dramatic about my leaving, and I do apologize
about just leaving you standing there, but I will not stand for
that kind of language around me."

"And yet you use it yourself. You hypocrite."

"Oh yeah? When?"

"Twice, with your father."

"But it's not the same as when you use it."

"Yeah, whatever. I would have maybe apologized for it

had you not left me standing there."

"Well then let's have another go at it then."

"At what?"

"Let's go back and do that over."

"I'm at home. I'm not leaving."

"Do you want me to come over then?"

"I don't care."

"Wow..."

"What? I'm just being honest."

"I'll be up there in just a minute."

By now, it was about 12:30 so I just kinda
rolled my eyes. Figured if he wants to come try
to make amends, fine.
But honestly, I didn't want him to come.
Because I knew that if he came up to talk to me about it,
I would end up losing my cool, and probably cry.
So, he got up to my house, and I went outside,
he started talking, saying he was sorry for just leaving
me there, but I didn't say anything.
I had no desire to talk.
Finally, he asked what my thoughts were on everything,
and I just said that I knew he didn't mean for it to
be as severe as it was, but I didn't think he understood just
how much it hurt me, and how many scars it re-opened
 for him to have just up and left like he did.
Right when I started talking, I got all choked up,
and tears started to fall down my cheeks.
He asked if he could hug me, I didn't say anything,
and he wrapped his arms around me, but I kept
my own crossed over my ribs.
He held me for about 30 seconds, then I said I needed
him to let go so I could clear my eyes.
We kept talking, and I kept getting more and more
emotional, and at one point, he was talking about how
if something had actually happened to me, he would've come
running, and all I had to say was:
"But over something as little as tonight, you had no problem
just leaving me there?"
He tried to explain his actions again, but it made no sense
and just made me hurt even more, but he
kept saying "I will do anything to keep our friendship
intact. Anything you want me to."
Another wave of tears had decided to attack my face,
and my breath failed me as I whispered "Just don't leave..."
He wrapped his arms around me again and assured me
that he wouldn't, and after a moment, I pulled
away, and began to explain that I couldn't
keep doing this flip-flopping thing that we've
been doing for the past year and a half
because it's hurting me too much.
To be giving my everything and then having it amount
to nothing but fights and arguments and then one of us
leaving and then coming back.
And the whole point of it is I'm trying to get him on
a mission, because I know he wants it, but he's struggling,
but it's so hard to watch him keep making mistakes
and gimp along when I'm trying to get him back
on the right path.
Same goes for Peter.  Only not quite in the same circumstance.
I've been trying to get him to realize that he doesn't need
only human love to carry on, that it isn't the most
important thing, but every response I get is more of
"I can't do this.  It's too hard."
And is soooo frustrating.
All the while that I was explaining this to him, I
was basically sobbing, and it was rather odd
because I was suddenly incredibly aware of
the fact that he could feel my shoulders heaving
with my shuddered breath.
But it didn't stop the merciless tears that continued
to flow down my face in rivulets.

When I had finally composed myself, and we had come
to an understanding, I went inside.  But this morning,
when I woke up, I felt like I had just barely dried
my eyes, for my body was weak and I had no strength
to even hold myself up.
My legs ached all through work, and the rest of me seemed to
simply slouch along the whole day.
I hate crying.
I hate it sooo much.
Because it pretty much kills me. It takes all my
physical, mental, and emotional strength and rips it all
up until there's nothing left. That is, until I'm able to
recuperate and stitch myself back together.

Happy Birthday!

Hard to believe that Nick is 20 today! 

That's so weird to me.

Last I heard, he's doing really well on his mission,

so I'm not worried about him at all.

Just, now he's old...

until I turn 19. 

Actually, nope.

He'll still be old, even when I'm 19.

Cuz the space between 19 and 20 is huge.

But yeah, just thought I'd give him a shoutout

on here, seeing as he hit the big 2-0.

So there you go.

Happy Birthday, Nick!

P.S. I'm thinking about changing my background
and layout stuff again. I'm getting a teeny 

bit bored of this one...

I am rather ashamed to call you my friend.

I seriously cannot believe some people.

People who have the nerve to say they're doing the right thing

when they obviously haven't thought it through,

and they're just being a puppet for somebody else

who jumped to conclusions.

That is one thing I have the most trouble forgiving.

Especially when it hurts someone I care about.

I don't care if you were my friend before,

you hurt one of my best friends,

you better believe I will freaking come after you.

And it may not end well.

But do I care?

No.

Because everybody knows most friendships end

with time.  

I've been fortunate to have made several friends who

I believe will last a lifetime, and if anyone else tries

to mess with them, and I mean ANYONE, you better

be ready to feel the heat cuz I'll come straight out of the

depths of Hell and swallow your soul.

 

This kind of two-faced puppetry isn't tolerated with me.

It never will be.

I won't hold a grudge, but my good opinion has been lost.

And it can rarely ever be returned,

unless you astonish me.

But I doubt that will happen.

 

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about,

don't bother asking, because I won't tell you.