I have a serious problem.
Like really, I do.
I never cry, over little things anyway, but
when something big happens that really upsets me,
I turn into a total trainwreck.
And then what's worse is the next day,
I have absolutely no energy,
my eyes hurt,
my heart hurts,
my whole body hurts.
It just kills me!
The reason why I bring this up is because
yesterday, it was kind of a lonely day.
I hadn't really done anything but work,
and I kinda wanted to talk to somebody, and
actually have some human contact before bed,
so I decided to ask Nathan if he wanted to
hang out for a little while after he got off work.
I ended up at Macey's when he got off and he
asked if I wanted him to come there.
I said yes, so he met me there, and we hung out for
a little while, and it was good.
We read funny birthday cards, and went through
all the different aisles for no apparent reason.
Then we went back out by my car and
ended up running into some old friends from Highschool,
which was nice to get to talk to them and such,
then Peter ended up texting me,
and in my response, Nathan told me to say
something funny, because Peter and Nathan
don't know each other.
But anyway, Peter was joking around and
said the word "damn" in one of his messages,
and Nathan was reading my texts over my shoulder
and he was like "Oh, he and i would not get along."
so I was like "Hey, don't judge him by the words
he uses."
and Nathan just looked at me and said:
"I judge people by their language."
so I said, trying to joke:
"Well damn it, stop it."
He gave me this look, and then just turned
around and LEFT.
Like, turned around, walked to his car,
and left me standing there in the parking lot
by myself.
I sat there for a second, completely shocked
and taken aback, but then suddenly it was like
someone had literally stabbed a knife into my heart
and re-opened the memories of the night that I broke
up with Ty.
Because he did something similar.
He left me there with no explanation, no good-bye,
nothing.
I got into my car and drove home, trying to not let it
bother me, and just saying "whatever, if he wants to be
like that, let him. It's no skin off my nose."
but for some reason, even after I got home, I couldn't go to sleep,
I couldn't even calm down. I just sat by the computer
where my brother was watching videos on Youtube.
It was a good half an hour or 45 minutes and then
suddenly I got a text from him that said:
"Are you ok?"
And the rest of the conversation went like this:
(Me: grey, Nathan: red, Sidenotes: green)
I didn't respond.
"If you don't respond I will send out search parties
for you."
this choice made in anger suits you."
does to me."
I believe in, and you're being very rude about it. Yes,
I was a bit dramatic about my leaving, and I do apologize
about just leaving you standing there, but I will not stand for
that kind of language around me."
By now, it was about 12:30 so I just kinda
rolled my eyes. Figured if he wants to come try
to make amends, fine.
But honestly, I didn't want him to come.
Because I knew that if he came up to talk to me about it,
I would end up losing my cool, and probably cry.
So, he got up to my house, and I went outside,
he started talking, saying he was sorry for just leaving
me there, but I didn't say anything.
I had no desire to talk.
Finally, he asked what my thoughts were on everything,
and I just said that I knew he didn't mean for it to
be as severe as it was, but I didn't think he understood just
how much it hurt me, and how many scars it re-opened
for him to have just up and left like he did.
Right when I started talking, I got all choked up,
and tears started to fall down my cheeks.
He asked if he could hug me, I didn't say anything,
and he wrapped his arms around me, but I kept
my own crossed over my ribs.
He held me for about 30 seconds, then I said I needed
him to let go so I could clear my eyes.
We kept talking, and I kept getting more and more
emotional, and at one point, he was talking about how
if something had actually happened to me, he would've come
running, and all I had to say was:
"But over something as little as tonight, you had no problem
just leaving me there?"
He tried to explain his actions again, but it made no sense
and just made me hurt even more, but he
kept saying "I will do anything to keep our friendship
intact. Anything you want me to."
Another wave of tears had decided to attack my face,
and my breath failed me as I whispered "Just don't leave..."
He wrapped his arms around me again and assured me
that he wouldn't, and after a moment, I pulled
away, and began to explain that I couldn't
keep doing this flip-flopping thing that we've
been doing for the past year and a half
because it's hurting me too much.
To be giving my everything and then having it amount
to nothing but fights and arguments and then one of us
leaving and then coming back.
And the whole point of it is I'm trying to get him on
a mission, because I know he wants it, but he's struggling,
but it's so hard to watch him keep making mistakes
and gimp along when I'm trying to get him back
on the right path.
Same goes for Peter. Only not quite in the same circumstance.
I've been trying to get him to realize that he doesn't need
only human love to carry on, that it isn't the most
important thing, but every response I get is more of
"I can't do this. It's too hard."
And is soooo frustrating.
All the while that I was explaining this to him, I
was basically sobbing, and it was rather odd
because I was suddenly incredibly aware of
the fact that he could feel my shoulders heaving
with my shuddered breath.
But it didn't stop the merciless tears that continued
to flow down my face in rivulets.
When I had finally composed myself, and we had come
to an understanding, I went inside. But this morning,
when I woke up, I felt like I had just barely dried
my eyes, for my body was weak and I had no strength
to even hold myself up.
My legs ached all through work, and the rest of me seemed to
simply slouch along the whole day.
I hate crying.
I hate it sooo much.
Because it pretty much kills me. It takes all my
physical, mental, and emotional strength and rips it all
up until there's nothing left. That is, until I'm able to
recuperate and stitch myself back together.
Like really, I do.
I never cry, over little things anyway, but
when something big happens that really upsets me,
I turn into a total trainwreck.
And then what's worse is the next day,
I have absolutely no energy,
my eyes hurt,
my heart hurts,
my whole body hurts.
It just kills me!
The reason why I bring this up is because
yesterday, it was kind of a lonely day.
I hadn't really done anything but work,
and I kinda wanted to talk to somebody, and
actually have some human contact before bed,
so I decided to ask Nathan if he wanted to
hang out for a little while after he got off work.
I ended up at Macey's when he got off and he
asked if I wanted him to come there.
I said yes, so he met me there, and we hung out for
a little while, and it was good.
We read funny birthday cards, and went through
all the different aisles for no apparent reason.
Then we went back out by my car and
ended up running into some old friends from Highschool,
which was nice to get to talk to them and such,
then Peter ended up texting me,
and in my response, Nathan told me to say
something funny, because Peter and Nathan
don't know each other.
But anyway, Peter was joking around and
said the word "damn" in one of his messages,
and Nathan was reading my texts over my shoulder
and he was like "Oh, he and i would not get along."
so I was like "Hey, don't judge him by the words
he uses."
and Nathan just looked at me and said:
"I judge people by their language."
so I said, trying to joke:
"Well damn it, stop it."
He gave me this look, and then just turned
around and LEFT.
Like, turned around, walked to his car,
and left me standing there in the parking lot
by myself.
I sat there for a second, completely shocked
and taken aback, but then suddenly it was like
someone had literally stabbed a knife into my heart
and re-opened the memories of the night that I broke
up with Ty.
Because he did something similar.
He left me there with no explanation, no good-bye,
nothing.
I got into my car and drove home, trying to not let it
bother me, and just saying "whatever, if he wants to be
like that, let him. It's no skin off my nose."
but for some reason, even after I got home, I couldn't go to sleep,
I couldn't even calm down. I just sat by the computer
where my brother was watching videos on Youtube.
It was a good half an hour or 45 minutes and then
suddenly I got a text from him that said:
"Are you ok?"
And the rest of the conversation went like this:
(Me: grey, Nathan: red, Sidenotes: green)
I didn't respond.
"If you don't respond I will send out search parties
for you."
"Go ahead, I dare you."
"Why are you mad?"
"Did you seriously just ask me that?"
"Yes I did."
"That's a dumb question."
"No, I kinda feel like you don't have a reason."
"Whatever. Go away."
"You leave, and this is good-bye"
"Fine."
"So what is your choice?"
This put me over the edge again, because
if you remember, the night I broke up with Ty, he had
basically given me the same ultimatum.
Stay, or go. So, I said nothing.
"Your silence is impeccable. Very well, I hopethis choice made in anger suits you."
"I should have made it a long time ago."
"Your words don't hurt me anymore."
"You decided to be a big tough guy now, huh?"
"No, just an honest one."
"An honest, judgemental one."
"No, you have no idea what that kind of languagedoes to me."
"No friend would stay with you after being LEFT
like that."
"You swore AT me."
"Yeah, I did. And you're being a complete girl
about it."
"No, Grace. I'm not. I'm standing up for whatI believe in, and you're being very rude about it. Yes,
I was a bit dramatic about my leaving, and I do apologize
about just leaving you standing there, but I will not stand for
that kind of language around me."
"And yet you use it yourself. You hypocrite."
"Oh yeah? When?"
"Twice, with your father."
"But it's not the same as when you use it."
"Yeah, whatever. I would have maybe apologized for it
had you not left me standing there."
"Well then let's have another go at it then."
"At what?"
"Let's go back and do that over."
"I'm at home. I'm not leaving."
"Do you want me to come over then?"
"I don't care."
"Wow..."
"What? I'm just being honest."
"I'll be up there in just a minute."By now, it was about 12:30 so I just kinda
rolled my eyes. Figured if he wants to come try
to make amends, fine.
But honestly, I didn't want him to come.
Because I knew that if he came up to talk to me about it,
I would end up losing my cool, and probably cry.
So, he got up to my house, and I went outside,
he started talking, saying he was sorry for just leaving
me there, but I didn't say anything.
I had no desire to talk.
Finally, he asked what my thoughts were on everything,
and I just said that I knew he didn't mean for it to
be as severe as it was, but I didn't think he understood just
how much it hurt me, and how many scars it re-opened
for him to have just up and left like he did.
Right when I started talking, I got all choked up,
and tears started to fall down my cheeks.
He asked if he could hug me, I didn't say anything,
and he wrapped his arms around me, but I kept
my own crossed over my ribs.
He held me for about 30 seconds, then I said I needed
him to let go so I could clear my eyes.
We kept talking, and I kept getting more and more
emotional, and at one point, he was talking about how
if something had actually happened to me, he would've come
running, and all I had to say was:
"But over something as little as tonight, you had no problem
just leaving me there?"
He tried to explain his actions again, but it made no sense
and just made me hurt even more, but he
kept saying "I will do anything to keep our friendship
intact. Anything you want me to."
Another wave of tears had decided to attack my face,
and my breath failed me as I whispered "Just don't leave..."
He wrapped his arms around me again and assured me
that he wouldn't, and after a moment, I pulled
away, and began to explain that I couldn't
keep doing this flip-flopping thing that we've
been doing for the past year and a half
because it's hurting me too much.
To be giving my everything and then having it amount
to nothing but fights and arguments and then one of us
leaving and then coming back.
And the whole point of it is I'm trying to get him on
a mission, because I know he wants it, but he's struggling,
but it's so hard to watch him keep making mistakes
and gimp along when I'm trying to get him back
on the right path.
Same goes for Peter. Only not quite in the same circumstance.
I've been trying to get him to realize that he doesn't need
only human love to carry on, that it isn't the most
important thing, but every response I get is more of
"I can't do this. It's too hard."
And is soooo frustrating.
All the while that I was explaining this to him, I
was basically sobbing, and it was rather odd
because I was suddenly incredibly aware of
the fact that he could feel my shoulders heaving
with my shuddered breath.
But it didn't stop the merciless tears that continued
to flow down my face in rivulets.
When I had finally composed myself, and we had come
to an understanding, I went inside. But this morning,
when I woke up, I felt like I had just barely dried
my eyes, for my body was weak and I had no strength
to even hold myself up.
My legs ached all through work, and the rest of me seemed to
simply slouch along the whole day.
I hate crying.
I hate it sooo much.
Because it pretty much kills me. It takes all my
physical, mental, and emotional strength and rips it all
up until there's nothing left. That is, until I'm able to
recuperate and stitch myself back together.
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