Is it me?

I'm so confused, and torn up.
I don't know what's going on.
I wish I did.
Besides being stuck at work for 10 hours today, there was a  looot of crap that happened.
First thing was I thought that one guy was sick because one of my other friends asked him if he would come in and work for her and he couldn't cuz he said he felt like crap. I assumed he meant he was sick.
After I was done with my lifeguarding shift and had done my re-certification, I was sitting in the guard room and suddenly there was an emergency so that was a whole lot of fun. When it was under control, I had to leave cuz my brother was there, so I texted that one guy to ask him if he was feeling ok enough to work tomorrow. He said he was feeling ok, so I asked him if he'd had like, a stomach flu or something, and he said it was something in his brain...
I was confused.
I asked if he had a migraine.
He said no.
Then I was VERY confused.
I asked what was wrong, and he finally admitted he'd been depressed. I asked what about, and he said everything.
He wouldn't tell me more than that.

Normally, I might have been concerned, but no so much that it was eating at me, but I feel like it was because of something I said that he was depressed. The last conversation I had with him before this one was two days ago, because I'd gone over to his house to vent to him about a stupid guy (the one from my show) and we had ended up practically alone in his house, aside from his brother who was upstairs. We didn't do anything bad, but I was still wearing my lifeguard uniform and it was making me really nervous, so I decided to tell him something I hadn't told him about my relationship with Ty. I'm not gonna say what it was, but I think it made him nervous, or upset him, because after that, he stopped texting me and hasn't really responded to anything I've said until today...
So now I don't know what to think, but I'm probably gonna see him tomorrow at work, so we'll see how that goes...
I'm really nervous.

You disobedient boy, you. I like you.

:)

If that's all I had to say to let everyone know exactly how I feel, I would be in bliss.
When I got to work this morning, I was working with that one guy again, and he was actually rotating ME this time.
(Talk about wishes coming true)
So yeah, it was sooo awkward at first. He wouldn't say a word to me, but he would constantly stare at me still, so I had no idea what to think about anything. About halfway through our shift, he was on break, and I was guarding the lap pool, and he had just checked the locker rooms, and came out and stood right next to my chair.
I glanced down nervously, and said "Hi."
He didn't say anything, so I clambered on down from the guard stand and stood next to him.
"What's up?" He asked.
(This is always the answer to that question when you're at work:)
"Just watchin the water..." I said, nodding my head slightly and pursing my lips. "You?"
He shrugged. "Nothing really."
We stood there for about thirty seconds, maybe even a minute, and didn't say anything.
After a while, he said "Well, I better let you go. I don't want you to get in trouble."
"I just hope you don't think that what I told you yesterday was easy for me to say, because it wasn't." I said, leaning over so he could hear me. My voice was hoarse and raspy, and I couldn't talk very loud.
For some reason, after I had told him that, things suddenly got less awkward. He actually smiled when he looked at me, and was laughing and joking with people, which I watched with a little smirk. I love seeing him spaz out and be insane. It's cute..
So yeah, on my last break, I went to get food at the food court, and as I was walking out the guard room door, I had this funny thought:
That would be kinda humorous if he was watching me and I slipped.
Guess what happened?
As I was rounding the corner of the deck by the fountain, he turned and looked at me. I looked back up at him and smiled,

and slipped...

I didn't fall over, but my arms flew out to catch my balance. When I looked back up at him, his mouth was curled into a smile and I could tell he was struggling not to laugh at me.
"I swear one of these days I'm going to slip and fall on my face and die." I said as I passed, and the smile got bigger, and I felt cherries popping up in my cheekbones and went to get my food.
When I came back onto the pool deck, I walked slowly and carefully so I wouldn't slip again. I never saw him look at me, but I'm betting he did. My back was turned.
On the next rotations, everything was fine, nothing felt really awkward, then on the last rotation, I looked at him, and he made an invisible steering wheel with his hands and raised his eyebrows.
He was asking me to go on a drive.
I nodded with a smile.
After a few minutes, he rephrased the question, and said it would be a little drive. I gave him a thumbs up because I had to be back at work an hour after we were done anyway.
The last 5 minutes of the shift couldn't have gone slower, but when they were over, I practically raced into the guard room because I'd remembered that I'd forgotten to fill out my achievement cards for swimming lessons, so I frantically started doing that, and got about a third of the way finished before he tapped me on the shoulder with his backpack, and I went with him, bringing my cards with me. I kept filling them out in the car on the way there, and for about 10 minutes after we got to the park, I was still filling them out, but I finished pretty fast. I only had 11 students this session.
We started talking about random stuff, then he got a call from his mom saying he needed to call his patriarch. So he was on his phone for about 10 minutes, talking to his patriarch about random stuff, and I sat there, patiently waiting. This was no business that I was going to say "when are you gonna be done?" about, cuz that's just retarded.
After he was done talking to his patriarch, I asked him if he was nervous, and he said no, then we kept talking about other random stuff. One of the things we talked about was how it's almost impossible for me to read him, like his expressions, etc. I can never tell what he's thinking. He kinda smiled and said "well that's good." then I said "then there's me who's a complete open book. I don't really like it." and I think he said something like "there's nothing wrong with that." or something to that extent. I can't remember.
Anyway, we were sitting next to each other on the bench, talking about something else and suddenly he said "can I hold your hand?" and almost before I said "ok," he reached over and took it. While we held hands, I told him how one of my head guards is going to do my eyelashes next week and how I'm super excited for it, and all the while I was talking, he kept glancing from my eyes to my mouth, then he leaned over so he was resting his forehead on his arm on the table, and I briskly rubbed his shoulders. When he sat back up, I said "there is one thing about you that's always obvious."
His expression was suddenly concerned.
"What is it?" He asked warily.
"I can always tell if you want to hold my hand." I teased, and he looked embarrassed.
"Or kiss you..." He said quietly, and I smirked.
"Just a little bit."
His face contorted in what seemed like discomfort, then he said "That's actually what I was thinking about all day today. How I could manage to just be your friend when I really want to kiss you, or be with you."
"I know, I can tell you're fighting it..." I said, and he laid his forehead back on his arm. "But, in all honesty...I am too."
He looked up at me.
"Would you hate me forever if I kissed you?" He asked, running his fingers through the back of my hair.
"Maybe a little." I said without wavering, and he looked pleasantly shocked.
"What? 'Maybe a little.'" He copied my tone and everything, and I couldn't help but giggle, but he turned his face away from mine.
"Hey," I said, turning his face back to look at me, "I was teasing. You should know by now, I'm a tease."
"You are a tease." He agreed playfully, moving his hand around to the side of my neck.
We just looked at each other for a moment, then he drew me closer, and my heart began to flutter. I don't think I was still actually on Earth when he touched his lips to mine, but I magically ended up sitting in front of him again when we parted and opened our eyes.
In all of about 2 seconds, my body began to quiver under my skin.
I looked down self-consciously at my hands, and knew that he noticed.
"You're shaking." He remarked.
"I know..."
I don't really remember a lot of what happened after that, other than we were talking about something else, and we ended up with our foreheads touching, then it was just breathing, then he leaned in and kissed me again, this time a little longer, and I soared clear to Saturn and back.
Then I was shaking worse.
"Dude, you're shaking really bad." He remarked again.
"I know..." I insisted.
"Come here." He said, pulling me into his arms and holding me tightly.
I felt home, completely at peace.
When he released me from his grip, I was still shaking horribly, and I turned away from him, embarrassed, and said "Aah, sorry..."
"It's ok. We should go."
"Yeah, we should. I've only got a few minutes." I agreed, and we walked back to his car, holding hands on the way.
"Why are you shaking so bad?" He asked.
"Um...it usually happens when my heartbeat is racing..." I admitted bashfully, and he actually laughed a little, which made me smile.
He opened my door for me and I got in the passenger seat, trying to lower my heart rate. As soon as we pulled away from the curb, he said:
"I totally disobeyed you...I'm sorry."
"It's ok." I said sincerely.
When we pulled back into the parking lot at work, we sat for a moment, and he kept apologizing.
"Hey, if you wanna kiss me good-bye, I'll let you, but I'm getting out of your car in 30 seconds." I said bluntly.
He sat for a few seconds.
Then looked out the window towards the building.
"Ok, come here." He said, and we kissed one more time before I got out of his car.
"Are we really sorry?" He asked through the window.
"I dunno..." I admitted.
"I'm not really that sorry..." He also admitted.
"Hey, you're the missionary, not me." I teased, heading towards the building.
"I'm not set apart yet." He corrected.
"True. Well, I gotta run in there." I said, and we said our good-byes and I literally ran into the building so I wouldn't be late.

Why am I the one setting all the boundaries? I'm not the missionary.

That makes no sense.
But it's kinda depressing.
A lot has gone on since I wrote last. Yesterday was my inservice at work to recertify for CPR and Emergency Oxygen, and I'd already been at work for 9 hours, so I decided to just go to the earlier scheduled time and get it over with. That one guy was there too... and the whole time he hardly said a word to me. He sat next to one of the head guards who was at the inservice, who was a girl. It kinda made me mad because I was like "ok, so i'm trying to keep my distance, so you go and throw yourself at another girl?"
I didn't actually say that.
What's more is that I kinda told her a little bit of how I really like him, so that made me even more mad cuz it's like, backstabber, double-time.
Anyway, so after the inservice was over, I went home, and I had no idea what to do about anything.
Basically you could call it cruel and unusual torture in the mind.
So yeah, I got the feeling that I should text him and see if I could straighten everything out. so I did.
I asked him what was going on, and he told me that he wanted to be more serious than we have been because we only have a month left - less than a month - until he leaves, and he said he wants to be with me as long as possible.
I didn't know what to think about that...
Half of me went "Oh my gosh, yes!"
But most of me went "Wait, that's not right. We shouldn't."
So we talked it out as much as we could over text, and I told him my concerns, but it didn't help at all. He said I should just trust him and go with it, but I said I'd think about it, so he said "ok, sleep on it."
I was still being practically tortured in my mind over what to do about it, so I asked my dad for a blessing. He asked why, and we talked over the whole thing and got down to the root of the problem. I was afraid to say no because I don't want to feel alone, even though I know it's the right thing to do. So, he gave me a blessing of comfort because we both knew that no matter how things turn out, I'm going to end up with some form of pain. It's inevitable, no matter what option I choose.
So today, I had to go to work at 9 again, and I was just working, and it actually went pretty fast today, which was weird, but then it got closer to 1 o'clock and I got super nervous because that one guy had told me that he had a private swimming lesson at 1, and me, through my genius, figured out that my second to last break was gonna be 20 minutes before 1, so there was almost no doubt that we were gonna see each other when I wasn't on stand.
On another one of my breaks, I'd been talking with my Head Guard about relationships for some reason, and we got talking about my predicament, except I wasn't giving him any leads as to who the guy was. But then he said "does he work here?" and I couldn't lie, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes, so then my HG was like "ohhh, he does! Where is that schedule?" Then he walked over to the corkboard and started going through all the names, and I grabbed my guard tube and rotated before he could harass me.
He followed me out to my chair and said "Now I'm really curious. Just tell me. I pinky swear I won't tell anyone."
Idk about anyone else, but to me, a pinky swear is still legit.
So I said "the only major set-back is that....he's leaving on his mission in a month..."
the HG thought for a second, then his eyes got big and he was like "That One Guy?"
and I said "yeah..."
then he went off on how I was smart in my choice of guys because that one guy is such a good guy and whatnot and inside I was thinking "duh, I know!"
so yeah, that's how that went.
When I was on the Corner chair, that one guy came in, and we made eye contact for a split second before I looked away.
My heart was racing.
My hands were sweating.
"It's ok, don't panic. I can do this." I kept telling myself, but when the rotation switched and I got on break, I got all shaky.
I walked in the guard room and there was no one in there as far as I could tell, but I thought he must be hiding or something... but nobody jumped out at me or anything, so I calmed down a little and went to check the locker rooms, and as I was heading for the door, I saw him..
and my heart skipped a beat...
His hands were full of stuff he'd gotten at the food court, so I opened the door for him and he walked past me, giving me one of his little smiles that's contagious no matter what kind of mood I'm in.
I checked the locker rooms, and came back, and nobody was in the guard room except him.. I panicked for a split second. But I walked in, put my pen away, then frantically tried to find things to busy myself so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I went back to my locker to try and find something interesting maybe 10 times, then I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. Then I saw my water bottle. My poor water bottle that fell off my guard chair and got all dented. Still trying to busy myself, I took it in to empty it...
..................................................................................................................................................
...in the First Aid room.
As soon as I'd gotten to the sink, I thought "oh crap, that was a stupid thing to do." and right then, I felt him behind me, semi-grabbing my waist, but standing to my side and watching me.
I tried to make casual conversation and talked about how my water bottle had tragically fallen off my chair and I couldn't fix it, then he tried to get it back to it's normal shape but it wouldn't go, so I took it back and screwed the lid back on. Then I took a step back and just looked at him.
He had on that look I know so well of "I know what's coming, and I'm upset about it, but I'm not gonna tell you."
"You seem awful quiet." I said, barely above the volume of the ice machine.
He didn't say anything.
"What is it?"
He still didn't say anything.
A sudden lump rose in my throat when he looked up at me, and I all but ran out of the First Aid room so I wouldn't start crying in front of him. I put my water bottle back on the shelf, re-gained my composure, and went to face my fate.
He was sitting back in his chair again, and I sat next to him, and tried to make another bit of casual conversation about my work-out plans for after work, then he got up and went and sat on the cot in the First Aid room...
I had no choice, so I followed.
I sat next to him on the cot, and said "i've been thinking about it a lot.."
He already knew what I was talking about.
"And? What do you think?"
I could barely get the words out of my mouth, but I said "it's not the right time..."
There was a looooooong silence after that that killed me inside, but eventually, he said "why?"
"Because, you're going on your mission in a month. We shouldn't get so attached to each other before you leave."
"We won't. We'll be fine."
"You don't know that..." I challenged, and for a second he didn't say anything.
He kept trying to convince me that everything would be fine after that, and I kept having to tell him "no, we shouldn't do it," and eventually I had to say "no, just -" but I couldn't make myself say "stop."
I brought up how I know his parents wouldn't approve of our getting serious before he leaves and he asked why, and I said that even though I didn't know his mom and the rest of his family very well, I could tell a long time ago that they would be disappointed if he had a girlfriend 3 weeks before he's supposed to leave on his mission.
He didn't say anything again after that...
I told him another reason was because I didn't want to have to "Dear John" him if things don't work, and he said he didn't expect me to wait for him, and I told him I wasn't going to, and he said that was good. But I also told him that another reason was because I don't want to receive a "Dear Jane" from him.
My hands started to shake and I wished he would hold them but he never touched me. I grabbed my knees nervously, and he let his knee fall so it rested on the back of my hand, then bent in half so his head rested on his knees.
I wanted to run my fingers through his soft hair sooo bad, but I couldn't do it. It wouldn't help anything.
When he sat up again, he said "I just wanna show you how I feel."
Trying to ignore the lump steadily trying to rise in my throat again, I said "I know...but we can't."
"Just once." He practically plead and I wanted to scream and run away. Why was he making me be the one to say "no"?
I don't think he was doing it intentionally, but it was happening...
"No, we can't. We shouldn't." I said again, and he didn't say anything, but I could tell he had resigned. He stood up for a minute, and put his hand on my head. I didn't know if he was trying to not give in to himself and caress my hair, but eventually he let go and sat back down.
"I'm sorry..." I said quietly, and he just made the face of "don't worry about it." but he never said it.
The last thing he said to me was "I probably better change. My private lesson is probably here." so I got up and made it to the doorway of the First Aid room when I turned and saw his arms were opened towards me...
I gave in.
I went, probably too hastily, into his arms, and we held each other lightly, then tightly for a moment, released, and our hands touched for just a second before I let go and looked away.
While he was still in the First Aid room, I went to my locker again and the lump in my throat finally got caught and one tear found its way past my eye lashes and fell down my cheek. I hurriedly cleared my eyes and took several long breaths before he came back out and I saw there were several more people in the guard room, but none of them looked suspicious of me or him.
Then I rotated, and only saw him briefly while he taught his lesson. He only made eye contact with me a couple times, and I couldn't read his expression.
When he left, he glanced back at me before going out the door, and I had to continue on with my shift, but I felt strangely peaceful, and I knew it was because I'd done the right thing for both of us, but it wasn't quite enough to quench the heartache I felt.
After I had finished teaching swim lessons, when I was leaving the parking lot, I texted him, again trying to make casual conversation, but he was giving one-word answers. Even for him, that's never a good sign.
I explained that even though I said we couldn't get serious, I still wanted to be really good friends, because he's my best friend, and I don't wanna lose that before he goes...
He just said "yeah."
I asked him if he could handle it, and he said "handle. do you think I'm incapable?"
I said "No, just the last time I asked somebody that, I got a flat-out 'no.'"
I'm hoping that I haven't completely ruined a good friendship, and am wondering if anything will ever happen. It is 2 years, and he'll change a lot, and so will I. But maybe there's still hope. I'm not sure though, because...
...he never replied.

Thinking of him: 50...55...64...87...113...

Aaalllllrighty. Well that was interesting and VERY nerve-wracking.
My pulse is still at 113, probably...
K, so I saw that one guy at work again today, and he wasn't supposed to be working today but he took part of the morning shift for one of the other guys. I was walking in the guard room to put something away and suddenly I SAW HIM.
Mentally, I did this: *scream, stumble backwards, fall, get up, nervously brush off, and run out the door*
Physically, I did this: *see him, jump a little, keep walking over to locker and put whatever was in my hand away*
I ended up rotating him again (i frickin wish the head guard would make it so he'd rotate ME once in a while...)
So anyway, we were out on stand, and he was on Baby Mountain, I was on chair #1, and this other girl was on corner, which, if you connected the dots between the three stands, it'd make kind of a triangle. So yeah, it was time to rotate and I was walking over to him, and of course, he was staring at me, and when I got over to him, he said "walk with me", and with Baby Mountain, if you walk around the actual water toy, the people at the other stands can't see you... so yeah, we walked around the toy, and as soon as we were out of sight, he grabbed my hand..
So I was pretty much on cloud 9 for the rest of the shift.
That's not even the best part though!
He was leaving at 12, Again, so I asked him if he was leaving right at 12 and he just said "whenever that other dude gets here." so I was hoping it wouldn't be until really close to 12 cuz my break started at 12...
Luckily, the other dude didn't get there till it was already time to rotate, and I could see the one guy still staring at me all the time, and I knew that he knew that I knew that we both wanted a hug before he left.
So I was rotated off my chair and I was on break, so I went and put my guard tube away, then went out and did a super fast lockerroom check cuz I didn't want him to leave before i got back!
So yeah, I got back on the pool deck, and waited for the other dude to take the one guy off stand and I was by the door, and as he went in the guard room, he looked at me, and I knew right then, it was true indeed. we both wanted a hug.
So I followed him back into the guard room and he glanced around, seeing there were a few people in the pro-shop, but the manager wasn't in her office, so we went in the first aid room, and when he hugged me, he actually held my waist.. usually he puts his arms around my shoulders, and I hold his waist, but today it was the opposite. It kinda freaked me out for a second, because before we hugged, his face just kept getting closer and closer to mine and I was like "oh my gosh, is gonna try to KISS me???" but he didn't, and then besides that, I was wearing a guard tank-top, and for a second when he first hugged me, his hands slid under the fabric of my guard tank, and on the skin of my shoulders, but then he stopped, thank heaven. I didn't have to pull away and tell him "no." Then I felt like there was somebody there so I pulled away anyway, and found out it was one of the swim coaches, and he was standing right outside the door, pretty much, so I walked out, and when he saw me and the one guy, he said "that's kinda awkward." so I said "what?"
Stupid answer.
The one guy was a genius and changed the subject.
I'm so bad at this stuff. The keeping it a secret stuff.
I'm trying though.
But anyway, then he had to leave, but after I was done teaching swimming lessons, I went back in the guard room and checked my phone, and he had called me!
Most of me freaked out, wondering if he was calling to say "you're awful at this." or something like that, but I called him back, and turns out he was just trying to find somebody to take his shift tomorrow because his mom surprised him with a doctor's appointment tomorrow... which also means that I don't get to work with him tomorrow.
But anyway, I told him that somebody else we work with would most likely take it for him, so I told him I'd text him her number, then I asked him what he was up to, and he was at a barbecue that he'd told me about before he left work. I was like "ooh, that's cool." then he was like "yeah, well, i gotta go. i'll see you later."
and me, being stupidly twitterpated and "not there" in my brain, said:
"see ya too."
I'm still figuratively beating myself in the head for that one. That was really stupid.
So yeah, then I didn't talk to him at all till I was at the play tonight, and I wanted to talk to him sooo bad but I didn't wanna seem overbearing or anything of the sort. So, I left my phone alone until after the play ended, then I texted him asking how the barbecue went, and he said it went good. so then I was still trying to make conversation but it felt like it got kinda awkward so I was like "i should probably let you go, unless you're gonna be up for a while and wanna talk." and he said "i'm gonna be up." so i said "ok, cool, idk when i'm going to bed, but i should soon cuz i have to wake up at 6 for work."

THEN

he said "well I want to ask you something."
and my heartbeat went from 'thump.....thump.....thump....' to 'THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP!'

(50...55...64...87...113)

I had no idea what to say other than "ok.. ask away."
then he said
"um, nevermind..."
and my mind went
"WHAAAT!?!?!?"
but I had a hunch that it was something involving our strange 'relationship' thingy... so I said
'? ok.." then he apologized, and I said "it's ok, don't worry about it."
but really I was just kinda saying that because now I can't stop thinking about it!!!
What was funny though, was I was still at the playhouse with one of my really good girl friends, and I was screaming to her about it and pretending to bang my head against the door, and she had just barely been asked out on a date by the guy she likes, so she was super giddy too.
After that one guy said "well i wanna ask you something" I felt my own pulse and went "dude, my pulse is racing. This is weird." then she felt my pulse and said "whoa." then i felt hers (These were all on our wrists, by the way.)
and hers was pretty fast too. So then I was like, "k, I wanna try something. Think of something depressing." so she kinda did, haha, and her pulse slowed down. then i said "ok, think about him." and her pulse sped up very quickly.
Then she did the same thing on me.
She said "think of something depressing." and I thought of the night I broke up with my ex, and remembered how awful I felt. It slowed down a lot.
then she said "now think about him."
and ohhhh my goodness....
it. sped. up.
VERY.
much.
so much that my friend actually went "whoa" and started laughing...
So yeah, that was how today went.
Great fun.

He's going on a mission. I can't marry him. Obviously.

Anybody ever had that feeling where you know everything that's going on but nobody else does and you wanna tell people but you CAN'T and it kills you but you can't DO anything about it???
That's how I felt today.
It was awkward.
And amazing.
I cried a little bit.
But that's not important.
Today was that one guy's farewell, and I showed up to his church about 15 minutes early because I live clear the heck out here and he lives like 20 minutes away from my house or more and I wanted to be sure I found his church so I didn't miss anything. Anyway, I got there and he was talking to his mom, and I went and said hi and we were talking a little bit, then his grandma was like "why don't you come sit with us?" so I was like "Uh, ok..." because the previous night (or the night before...) me and that one guy had talked about how things were gonna go down, and we agreed that we were gonna kind of avoid each other so people wouldn't be like "Oh my gosh, look! They totally like each other!" or anything like that.
OH!
And another thing, everyone in his family remembered what my name was!
That was a little weird...
But anyway, the meeting was good, then he got up and gave his talk which was amazing, he did such a great job :) listening to righteous men talk about the gospel is awesome. And I'm just gonna say it, he looked like a STUUUD in his suit!
At the end of his talk, his brother and a couple other guys got up and sang "Army of Heleman" (I hope I spelled that right...) and both that one guy and me got all teary-eyed! I was like "aah, no, don't cry! you're making me cry!" in my head.
So anyway, after the meeting was over, we went over to his house and had food, and the whole time we were there, I was trying to follow up on what we had agreed and kinda avoid him and finally I found the other dude, my friend who keeps making fun of me about everything, and we were talking, and he was making fun of me some more, of course.
We went and got food and when we sat down, they had set up all their tables with pictures of him in his suit and honestly, they are AWESOME pictures. But, the problem was, the one that was in front of me, seriously looked like he was staring into my soul and it kinda made me feel uncomfortable so I turned it away, but then my dude friend moved it back and I wanted to punch him.
So anyway, after my dude friend left, I had no one to talk to, so then that one guy's grandma came up and started talking to me and she kept bringing up that one guy and how amazing his talk was and all that, and she said that I'm "such a pretty girl" so I was getting this feeling like 'this lady wants me to marry her grandson, like, right now.'
That was awkward.
basically what was going through my head was "lady, I'm trying to make things as easy for us as possible by not being all clingy and just bein chillaxed" but of course she didn't know that cuz we haven't told anyone in his family about it.
Of course I've told my mom. She had it figured out that I liked him even before I did. So did my dude friend, for that matter.
That's awkward too.
WHY IS IT ALL AWKWARD???
WHYYY?!?!?
But anyway, then the other peeps from my work were gonna leave so I was like "dude, I'm not staying here all by myself. I already look like a freak." so I told him I was gonna go, and he gave me a hug, which I could totally tell we both wanted to be longer, but we had to make it short cuz there were people around, and Idk if they said anything to him about it after I left...I hope they didn't. He probably covered for it pretty well. But yeah.

Apples and Cherries

This is gonna a pretty short post but something funny happened at work hehe
I had just gotten done teaching swimming lessons and was drying off putting my sweats and T-shirt back over my guard suit and was talking to my friend up by the computer.
He was telling me how he was now single too cuz he and his GF decided they needed to just be friends and he said he was tired of making girls feel bad cuz apparently the girl kept blaming herself for everything...? so anyway, he said he was done steady dating people, then I was saying "good for you!" and such and suddenly he brought up the other guy from work...
(The one I like...)
because he figured out everything between me and him. As soon as he mentioned him, I felt my face get a little flushed.
"Oh, look at that, your face is turning red!" He suddenly teased, and I felt it get hotter.
"Shhh!" I hissed, glancing around nervously at the passing people. "nobody's supposed to know!"
He just laughed and continued making fun of me, saying my face went as bright red as my sweats, which are very red indeed.
Somebody overheard me him teasing me about having "apples in my cheeks" and asked what the heck we were talking about, but he kinda ignored them and said "no, you've got cherries in your cheekbones. They're smaller."
I raised an eyebrow and said "ok..?"
Then we just laughed sum'more.

Yep. Shneaky shneaky.

So... I never said anything about what happened at work on Tuesday. Hehe...
It was funny.
I had gotten to work and found out I was rotating the guy I like again, so we were sitting across the pool from each other and again, he kept watching me. Except this time I watched back a bit. Most of the time I turned my head though cuz I didn't want my face to flush.
Work went on for the first few hours like that. He'd look at me, I'd make eye contact with him, we'd both smirk, then look away.
So THEN, I went over to talk to him while I was on my break cuz I was super bored, and I was telling him about what happened on Sunday with Ty's dad possibly moving, and all that jazz, and he was just listening but he kept leaning closer to me, and he was holding his guard tube right on the edge so his hand kept brushing against mine but mine was in my pocket, so I took it out most of the way, but my thumb and index finger were still in my pocket.
So we held pinky's.
Every now and then he would glance back to see if anyone was watching, then he grabbed my hand and held it while still holding onto his tube and after a few glances, we let go cuz we didn't want anyone to see...
Not to mention, we would probably get in trouble...
So then he told me that he was probably gonna go home early cuz we had a new guard that was in training but the managers felt she was ready to not have to shadow anyone anymore so he was gonna go home early. When he was taken off his chair, I went on break at the same time so we both walked in the guard room and i put my tube by my locker and answered a text, then before I could put my phone away, suddenly I heard him say "I need a hug." Then he wrapped his arms around me... :) nobody else was in the guard room but we hid behind the far side of the fridge just for good measure. When the head guard came in, she told him that he and another guard were gonna do some jobs so they went and cleaned the tiles in the lazy river with magic erasers for a while, and did little odd jobs, and by the time I got on my next break, he was getting ready to leave, so I went in the guard room and he was in there, towel around his waist, wearing a green shirt, and I knew he wanted to give me another hug before he left, so I just stood there, because the maintenance manager was still in there, jabbering on about something (I don't even remember what)
And eventually my foot started to tap in impatience, although I made it seem like it was just a nervous habit or something. I glanced over at the guy and he was looking at me and while the maintenance guy's back was turned, he said, really quietly, to the point where he was pretty much just mouthing the words:
"I want to hug you."
I just nodded.
I'm lame.
So when the maintenance guy finally left, he went in the first aid room and I followed him and we hugged for a few seconds, then the head honcho manager came in the door (she didn't see us, but we heard her) so we pretended to be busy with something in the first aid room till she left again then we hugged for another few seconds, then the maintenance guy came back in and was talkin about something, then the head guard came in and said "there's something sticky on the handrails by the slide." then was trying to explain WHICH handrails, but he wasn't getting it.
Me and the guy were just standing next to each other, kinda snickering, but i could tell we were both thinking "Oh my gooosh, just leave."
So then he says:
"Why don't you go SHOW him?"
Then they left.
And he went back in the first aid room.
I followed and before I put my arms around him, said "You're sneaky."
and he said "oh, I know." in this way that made my heart flutter.
So then we hugged for a couple more seconds, and he tousled my hair, then he had to leave.
Yep.
We're sneaky.

K, you just went from good boy to bad boy. Retard.

Oh my goooosh!
Frickin wanna shoot myself in the eyeball!
So, yesterday, after I went to work, "Larry" texted me again. I'm just gonna write down the whole conversation and add in some little explanations and side notes along the way. It was flippin ridiculous. But before I do that, I don't care anymore, his name is Ty. I'm fed up with giving him a fake name. And if he reads this, I really don't care.
Ty = normal
Me = green
Sidenotes = grey

Ty: So ma'am, have you thought about it?

Me: A little

(He was talking about being friends)

Ty: What'd you come up with?

Me: Nothing

Ty: That's depressing

Me: I told you what I expect of you if you wanna try to make this work. If you don't care enough to even try, fine. I really don't care.

Ty: I'd like to try, but when you don't have a vendetta against me.

Me: That's an assumption. I don't have a vendetta against you

Ty: It seems as though you do. I believe we tried this a little too early.

Me: Believe what you will. My expectations are going to stay the same no matter how long we wait.

Ty: Maybe

Me: They will. You may not believe me but I'm not lowering them.

Ty: Why do you want me to fight so bad in the first place?

Me: Because I want you to show me you deserve my friendship.

Ty: And how do you think you'll decide whether or not you got what you wanted?
Me: I'll know. (For crying out loud, not like I would've tortured him.)
Ty: And how do you mean by fight?

Me: Have you really never heard the term to "fight for somebody"?

Ty: That would make sense if the person I was fighting for would actually be around.

Me: What do you mean?

Ty: I don't know how I would fight for you over a text.

Me: Well, you'll have to figure out how to make it not over text. I'm not just gonna be a texting buddy.

Ty: You said last night me comin over to the play would be complicated.

Me: You said you didn't have time anyway.

Ty: No, but you said it'd be complicated nonetheless.

Me: Ty, you said you didn't have time.

Ty: It's cuz I didn't, but you still said it was complicated.

Me: I never said it was complicated.

Ty: I can't remember exactly what you said, but I know it was in the area of you not really wanting me around.

Me: I never said that. You assumed I didn't want you around.

(What I really said was "don't worry about it." about the play, and when he asked if it was because I didn't want him around, I said "idk how I feel about it..")

Ty: I'm sure it was along those lines.

Me: Nope.

Ty: It really was.

Me: It wasn't.

Ty: It was.

Me: Nope, it wasn't.

Ty: What'd you say?

Me: I said I didn't know how I feel about it.

Ty: I'm still pretty sure it was something else.

Me: Well then why don't you go check if you're so sure?

Ty: I don't have it.

Me: I do. That's what I said.

Ty: Nonetheless, it doesn't seem like you want me around.

Me: If you wanna take it that way, fine. I don't care.

Ty: Well is me being around something you can deal with?

Me: Not if you're gonna keep acting like this.

Ty: I still believe we need to give it more time.

Me: I think the only reason you're saying that is cuz you think by then I'll become subservient and willing to do things your way. It's not gonna happen no matter how long you wait though.

Ty: I don't want you subservient and I never did, I never asked you to do anything for me. I want to wait because you're still mad. This friendship thing is supposed to be a way that we can stay intact and hangout every now and again, not a way for us to start a weird and twisted thing where I end up beaten down. I'm willing to make things work, but I'm not going to bow down to your every will, because that's a form of mental abuse and I won't stand for it.

Me: Who says you're gonna end up beaten down? Unless you mean beaten down as in you actually having to let go of your pride for a little while. And if you think I'm just gonna mentally abuse you, why do you wanna be friends?

Ty: I mean sit here and beg for every little approval and if I end up upsetting have to think I'm the worst person in the world. What you're asking is so different from what a normal friendship is. U may think I'm crazy, but all the texts we've had over the last month and a half I've gone to other people and asked for advice, and I let them see all our texts, this is the one that's confusing everyone beyond reason.

(This is where I got pissed off beyond all reason. I had told maybe a couple people about the text conversations we've had but I never needed to ask for advice and I wanted to give him a little privacy about our conversations. So yeah..I was pissed)

Me: Fine, I'm done. I'm not dealing with this anymore. This is ridiculous.
Ty: I just think it's way too soon. Emotions have to let themselves go and time needs to help things.

Me: No, this isn't my emotions running wild. This is me finally having my head on straight. K? I'm done.

Ty: Do what you will ma'am. I can go out saying I tried, that's all that matters.

Me: Except you didn't. Another one of those things you'll kid yourself into believing for the rest of your life.

Ty: Haha tell that to the 13 people I've shown everything to. And feel free to keep the delusion that everything was always my fault.

Me: And go ahead and keep telling yourself you're not like your father.

Ty: Haha that doesn't effect me at all. I know who I am through and through. I'm done arguing cuz I'm not up for saying mean things to people I got a soft spot for and I'd hate to make you cry. So I'm done.

(Oh yeah?)

Me: Well I'm glad you know you're a jackass.

Ty: Haha insulting me isn't gonna do anything or get any reaction outta me. Well, I'm sorry we couldn't be friends. We're too set in our ways. But it's been this way forever haha

Me: You're not sorry. You're gonna laugh about this.

Ty: I am genuinely sorry, I really wanted to try. 2 years is a lot to give up in a month. But I'm not up for having to risk myself emotionally, physically, and mentally for the small chance at maybe making you happy.

(Shows how much you really care.)

Me: You were the one to walk out on everything, not me. I suggested us staying friends and going on dates and you said "No." You gave me no other choice but to break up with you over a frickin text, and when I did, you walked out on everything, and weren't even man enough to face me the next day. If anyone did any heartbreaking, it wasn't me. So don't give me the whole "2 years is a lot to lose in a month" thing because you walked out on me.

Ty: Grace, it's cuz when you asked I already knew what you actually wanted. I mean, Jamie told me that day how mad she was with you, cuz you were flirting with Josh more than normal that whole week and started getting more physical. I went to trusted people in my life and asked what I should do. It was your choice to break up, mine was whether or not I wanted anything to do with us after, and as I've tried the last little while to be ur friend you wouldn't have anything of it unless it was by ur terms. Heartbreak was on both sides, I had told you when it happened after the first time I didn't know how I'd react if it happened again. (and yet he says he knows himself through and through.  Yeah, sure.) That's how I reacted, but I tried to commune with you and all I got was more heartbreak. This is why I thought we needed more time, this is why I thought you needed to make sure you got everything out, so we didn't come into this guns blazing.

Me: Geez, you really are just like your dad. Victimizing yourself like that. You're unbelievable. Of course you would go to Jamie, although why you would trust her I have no idea after she tried to break us up once already. I never got super flirty with Josh, and especially not physical. But whatever, it doesn't matter anymore.

Ty: Haha I didn't victimize myself at ll, and yet I went to my family just barely and asked if that's what I should say before I sent it. I let you know the facts on my side of the break up, that was my intent witht he whole thing, besides when did u own up to ur faults pertaining to our breakup? U didn't u just blamed me for it all.

(He didn't say anything about me having any faults when we broke up. He had no complaints. So Idk where this came from. Figured I might as well find out what he was talking about.)

Me: K, tell me my faults, and I'll own up to them if they're true.

(This is the novel)

Ty: Obviously u wanted to break up, u just didn't want to tell me. U beat around the bush for a reason. I'm almost certain ur family member that day never told you to break up, u just wanted to find a way to introduce the concept. I knew of ur disappointment of when I wanted to quit football, and that's because you prided in me playing and liked to share it with others even though it was killing me on the inside to play (That was his dad, not me.) U say I was lazy, when you brought up non-money things I was willing to do it and have fun with it, I knew right from the get go u were someone who wanted material things, and wanted money spent on them, but it's a bit hard to do when money was scarce. I never tried to make you a servant, I never asked you to do one thing for me, because I didn't want you to feel I was controlling in any way. I never demanded you do anything rather than tell u of my dislike. I was always there for you when u needed me, because I care, and u did a good job of that as well, but in all honesty, we had a great relationship. We struggle now (Idk if he was implying the possibility of getting back together or what.) because things were left unattended and ends needed to be cut. So now its ur turn to let out.
Me: I don't need to let out anything, only that you were wrong on more than half of those assumptions. But you won't believe me, so there's no use in defending myself in what I already know. But go ahead and tell everyone you know that I was demanding and wanted to break up with you for a long time. I know I'm a little materialistic, but what girl ISN'T, Ty? And no, you weren't always there for me when I needed you backing me up. Ever since March and the whole shpeal with Adam. (That's the guy who kept watching me at work.)
Ty: So when we first started talking about breaking up and I asked "you wanna break up, don't you?" and you said "maybe...Idk..." u had already thought it out. If the situation was flip flopped, how would you honestly react, I can only assume from previous sputes we had had but what do you think you'd honestly do?

(Right after that, I got a text from him that was meant to go to somebody else. It said "I do. The extent of what I say is. She's upsetting me a lot right now." That pissed me off even more)

Ty: By the way, I never told anyone any negative. even after when people started saying rude things, I'd yell at everyone to be quiet and not defame you. (So what, you're trying to be my savior? And maybe you never said anything negative, but you SHOWED EVERYONE EVERYTHING WE WERE SAYING!!!)

Me: K, for one, you never asked me that, and I never said that. I said "well, should we break up?.." and you said "no, I don't wanna do that." and I said "well, idk what we're gonna do." and speaking from my own perspective, I would've tried to understand and if was needed, I could've backed off.

Ty: I never told you no, I don't wanna. I didn't want you to feel I was holding you back.
Me: Don't even try that. You said no. And who else are you talking to about this? (Speaking of the text that was meant for somebody else.)
Ty: Sophie and my dad right now, but they went to bed. All the people I have, have been my mom, papa p, mama brimhall, coaches hunsaker and harward, sho, dean, my dad, sophie, cole, dillan, aj, jamie, and lastly bro. Fano. And when we actually broke up, I was talking to papa p, cole, sho, aj and dillan the whole way through.
Me: Wow. (you're "impressive") You know who I talked to, before I broke up with you?
Ty: Nope.

Me: My mom. Before I made the decision she came and found me and we talked. I didn't say a word to anyone else.

Ty: That's where we differ. I let them read all the texts and asked what I should do. Some told me to break up and not deal with drama, others said try and talk it through, and others said if she wants to break up with you, that's her decision not yours.

Me: That is where we differ because I can do things by myself. I don't need other people telling me what to do.

Ty: I had friends giving me advice. I followed what I thought was best.
Me: I followed what I thought was best. (as in I didn't need someone whispering suggestions in my ear.)
Ty: That's good, I'm glad u did. That's where we're the same.

Me: That's not what you just said. You followed what others thought was best. You just picked whichever option was best out of the ones they gave you. I had to decide my options myself. We're different. I can think for myself.

Ty: Haha I did what I thought was best, I can promise you that. I didn't pick the option because they gave it. (Exactly, frickin baby.)

Me: You didn't have to come up with the options yourself though. Not at all.

Ty: The one I chose was always the one I thought I was gonna end up going with.

Me: That's not the point.

Ty: That is my point. Doesn't matter now, because the end result was something I was completely alright with.

(Then why the h*** did you even wanna TRY being friends in the FIRST PLACE?!?)

Me: Well that's great for you. I think it's pathetic, and I'd say that to anybody.

Ty: Haha that's fine.

Me: Alrighty then.

Ty: Indeed.

Me: Yep.

Ty: Well ma'am, if you ever feel u wanna talk to me, go for it. I'm not gonna bug u no more. I'm going to bed. 'night.

Me: I'm not starting anything with you. If anything's happening between us, it'll be coming from u. I don't need you anymore. G'night.

And that's what happened. I told him he has till next Saturday to come get the rest of his crap from my house or I'm getting rid of it, so I'll have to see him one more time but I really don't care. I've already deleted him from my phone, and myyearbook (I'm not even gonna use that thing anymore. It's full of skanks.) and I think I'm gonna burn everything he ever gave me. I probably will. I'm not gonna keep it. The thing that really disgusted me is how he was pretty much dangling my reputation over my head saying "come be friends or I'm gonna tell everybody what happened and they'll all hate you. But if you decide to be good and be my friend, I'll make everything all better."
Sicko.
The only thing I'm somewhat worried about is the Jamie that was mentioned in the conversation works with me, and I already knew she hated me. She was the girl that it took me forever to finally make him realize that she and I weren't gonna ever be friends, cuz she can't stand me. So yeah, now Idk how she's gonna act at work. I told my manager though, just in case she decides to take it to dramatic levels, so now she's got my back. Thank heaven.
So yeah, then this afternoon, before I was heading over to work, I got on the myyearbook thing just to check it out one more time, cuz I'm gonna delete my profile so he can't follow me, and it looked like he and his friend Cole were having a conversation over the "question" thing on the wall. I don't know what the whole conversation was, but judging by what was said, it definitely wasn't good. The question was "why, do you *********?" (the word starts with an 'M', in case you were wondering.)
His answer was "no fool, you're just mad yours isn't even big enough for anyone to suck."

Your eyes just got big, huh?

Mine did too!

Yep, explanation for the title of this post, right there.
Anyway, I actually feel a lot better after typing all that out.
Anyway, I'm finished.
Peace out.

There is nothing wonderful about this post

Yesterday I found out that "Larry"'s dad is moving to California in a couple weeks. Found out today that "Larry" might go with him...
Idk how I feel about that...
I mean, yeah, i broke up with him. Shouldn't I be fine if he decides to run away from everything and "start fresh" as he says? I would hope I would be but apparently that's not gonna happen. Idk, when he told me, I guess I just realized how much I'm not over him...
I've spent the whole day today trying to hold back a wave of tears that's threatening to break loose, cuz I told myself I'm not gonna spend the next forever crying over him.
I don't even know how I feel about anything. And I can't explain why I don't know, or why I feel any certain way, or anything. One minute I'm fine, next second I'm full of insecurity and throwing up walls so nobody can get in and see what I'm feeling or anything like that. I've never been this guarded before. It's weird. And I think people are starting to get annoyed by it, but I don't really care.
I'm hurt.
People can complain all they want but it's not gonna make me act any certain way. I do what I want, or what I feel I need.
And right now I need solitude.
sometimes...
Other times I need friends.
And I have girl friends for that,
cuz boys are stupid...
Sometimes.
Anyway, I'm done.

Voila! We part ways as unlikely friends

Well, I kinda have some closure on what happened with that dude from the show I'm in. We were at the show and he wouldn't even make eye contact with me so I texted him and was like "we need to talk." and he said "is this gonna make my day worse?" and I said "I would hope not."
So he came and talked to me and I asked him what the heck was up, and if we were gonna be awkward around each other, and he said he just needed time because the more he stewed over what happened between me and him, the more upset it made him, so he said I needed to give him a couple days to just let it go and then we'd be fine. I said "ok," and that was the end of that conversation. After the show was over, he texted me and said it wasn't just me. He hadn't been talking or really looking at anybody, so I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything. He said no. I guess you could say I didn't take no for an answer because I stayed after the show till no one else was there but me and him and we had a serious talk about everything. I admitted my faults, he didn't really admit anything which still makes me glad I did what I did in telling him to back off, but we had a good heart-to-heart as friends. He said he was gonna drive me to my car because I didn't have shoes but as I went around to get in the passenger seat, I stepped on a bunch of those stupid pricker weeds. It hurt. He was a gentleman and rushed over to me and took them out cuz I was leaned up against his car hardly able to stand, then I pulled some pretty sweet moves and managed to get in his car without touching the ground again. And at the end, we had a nice, awkward, friend handshake, to which after a split second, I said "this is awkward." then we hugged for a second, then I got in my car and we said goodnight and parted ways.

Ready or Not...

What?
Who said I had to be ready for anything?
I'll tell you.
It's called "being-ready-to-finally-receive-closure-on-a-breakup-that-happened-3-weeks-ago."

I was on another one of my online accounts other than Facebook, a site that both "Larry" and I have accounts on, and I still haven't brought myself to delete him as my friend, although I kinda feel like I should, because its' getting soooo hard to get on my profile and see things he's posted and I know he's falling back into some of his old habits. Bad habits, like swearing, and I think he may even be starting to become one of the "typical" football players that normal people despise because they're hot-headed and players and just
MEH.
It really hurts to see anything from him or hear anything about what he's doing, especially now that I'm worried that he's slipping into those bad things again... but I did all I could.
That's been the hardest thing to come to grips with. I did what I could for him, but it was weighing down so hard on me I didn't even know who I was anymore. It kinda makes me think of that time I wrote on here about a fight he and I had where he told me "he was losing himself faster than ever before because of how much I was asking him to change."
I was asking him to change for the better.
To be more of a chivalrous gentleman.
To be more righteous.
That sort of thing. How I was changing was:
I was never right.
I needed to always talk to him or he'd go crazy.
I couldn't talk to him about things that were bothering me emotionally because he's always say it was impractical.
I missed out on a lot of time I could've spent with my friends because I was always texting him.
I didn't enroll in college because I was so worried about what would happen to him if I couldn't be right by his side all the time cuz he needed me so much.
So, overall, what came of the relationship is:
I have almost no friends
I'm not in school
I'm working my butt off so I CAN go to school
and I've become a social stick in the mud in the dating area.
that's what happened to me...
and he says I hurt him worse.

Girl Power!

Ooooook, tonight was probably the funnest night of my LIFE!
Aside from also being awkward and stressful and kind of irritating...
To start it off:
My dear friend who I talked to because he needed to back off of the whole "girlfriend" thing, who also said he wanted to try being friends, wasn't even civil to me tonight. I was like "hey," like normal, and he said "....evening."

You can roll your eyes. I did.

So after that I kinda just ignored his presence, since he seemed so keen to do so to me. And after that everything just went to the dogs tonight. One of our characters suddenly dropped out and we didn't have another character and the understudy who was asked to cover the bigger part suddenly threw a hissy fit and decided to go all "diva" on us. She was all "I can't do it. I don't know the songs. This is stupid, just tell the people to go home." and so on so forth. It got to the point where I actually might have punched her in the face, I was so irritated. So anyway, after all that "drama" was over,

irony...

we were gonna have a cast meeting and go over some stuff and we were all sitting there and suddenly my director comes in carrying a cake, and I see him and immediately stand up to leave but the guy who plays Pockets in the show stood up in my way and became a brick wall. It was kinda funny listening to all them being like "no, come back here, you're not leaving," actually haha it amused me.
They sang to me and we had cake, then we went over the chorus girls' songs for the show, then me and 3 of the other girls went to Wendy's after dropping off one of the guys. Probably the funnest night ever! When we were at Wendy's, we talked about date ideas, and boys we like, all the normal girl-talk haha I kinda felt weird not bein all "my boyfriend is the best" but I felt awesome being able to talk about what kind of guys I like and don't like, not withholding anything because I CAN.

HAH!

It's a wonderful thing to be single.

Awkward Smiles and Shifty Eyes

So I said how yesterday, the dude I work with suddenly stopped pretending I don't exist and gave me a hug yesterday. Today, he seriously wouldn't stop staring at me at work! And I had to rotate him on stand and every time we would look at each other and then like, look down or pretend to find something very interesting in the empty pool. The last time I rotated him off the lap pool, he got down off the guard chair but then didn't move, and I had my water bottle in my mouth, thinkin "what are you doing, dude?" and suddenly he says
"Hey Beautiful."
And my face goes O.O
And I think I turned red.
I'm not sure.
I'm really confused though, and I don't really know what to do. Well, k, that's a lie, I know what I need to do, just now it's gonna be a little harder...

Boys Are Stupid...Sometimes

Uuuuugh, sooo much crap going on I wanna shoot myself in the head! So, for the past 2 weeks, the guy I was talking about, the one that I work with who's going on his mission in little over a month, has been basically acting like I don't even exist! It was really frustrating but I understood why. Duh, he has a mission that he needs to get ready for. But anyway, during that 2 weeks, I kinda started to like this other guy a little bit, but he's 5 years older than me. Not only that, I noticed a few other things really fast that I knew I wouldn't like if I dated him. For one, he doesn't have a job, but he's working on that, which is good. He's got a really dirty mind, he even admitted it, and yeah, stuff like that. But anyway, since I've figured out all this stuff it's made me less attracted to him, so yeah, now I've gotta tell him that I'm not interested in being his girlfriend, even though he's been mentioning how excited he is about it for forever and it's kinda freaking me out.
That's just the beginning though.
So, the guy I work with, who was pretending I didn't exist, suddenly decided to talk to me and stuff today. At work, we had the same shift, and there were only 4 lifeguards, and I caught him staring at me sooo many times! It was driving me nuts! I'm like "dude, make up your mind!"
So then after work, I had changed into my workout clothes cuz I was gonna go exercise and it ended up just being me and him in the guard room. We were standing in front of the white board probably 3 or 4 feet apart, and he took a step sideways so he was standing literally right next to me, and I kinda gave him this weird look like "what are you doing?" and walked over to the table to put my water bottle down.
After which we continued to pace around the guard room awkward-style.
So then he was over by his locker and I needed to put my phone in mine and as I walked by him he suddenly stuck his arm out and stopped me.

brief moment of shock and confusion right there

He held out his arms for a hug so I gave him one, but he didn't let go, and when he did he kinda grabbed my hand and I pulled it away and put my phone in my locker (which I was trying to do in the first place.) He had walked into the first aid room and I followed him and he gave me another hug, and I was like "is this even allowed?"

Missionary Protocol or whatever

He said "no."
So I said "Then why?"
He shrugged his shoulders. Then I made him let go.
When he had to take off, I had to stay stuck at work until almost 6 o'clock, so then I texted him and he actually responded, and I told him I was amazed cuz of how he acted for those couple weeks. I told him that. He said he was kinda ignoring me, but now he was over it and said "we can control it now, ya?"
So I decided to be a grown up, righteous woman.
It sucked.
I said "I don't think it'd be a good idea for us to start anything when there's only a month left till your mission. It'll save us a lot of heartache if we just let it be and you can focus on what you need to be doing to get ready."
I'm still not exactly sure how he reacted to it...we'll find out, I guess.
But yeah, now I have to worry about his other guy who's pretty much ready to lead me to the altar, and I have to be like "back off dude" although in a much nicer way. We'll see how that goes too.
Oh, and just a little side-note, I turned 18 today.

New (Year's) Resolution...?

I probably should've made this resolution a loooong time ago, but I'd never really thought about it because I was "so in love," but with the wrong guy. And I'm pretty sure this is what I need to be doing - my resolution.

My cousin is getting married tomorrow to the most amazing guy, they're sooo cute together! But anyway, before she met him, she was the type of girl that was just friends with anybody and wouldn't get serious with anybody, and I mean anybody! Her soon-to-be husband even had a hard time getting her to commit. She told him several times "we should stop seeing each other," and now look, they're getting married! She was the kind of girl that was friends with everyone, but that nobody could get. I wanna be like that. I don't care if I'm hated, or if guys think it's the dumbest thing ever, because when the right guy comes along, he'll fight to get me, and not to sound cocky, I deserve the best. Every girl does though, just some are a little too tolerant, I find. That's where I was a couple weeks ago. Some guys are good, but some are better, and some are the best. That's where I'm setting my standard, and I'm not gonna settle for anything less.