That makes no sense.
But it's kinda depressing.
A lot has gone on since I wrote last. Yesterday was my inservice at work to recertify for CPR and Emergency Oxygen, and I'd already been at work for 9 hours, so I decided to just go to the earlier scheduled time and get it over with. That one guy was there too... and the whole time he hardly said a word to me. He sat next to one of the head guards who was at the inservice, who was a girl. It kinda made me mad because I was like "ok, so i'm trying to keep my distance, so you go and throw yourself at another girl?"
I didn't actually say that.
What's more is that I kinda told her a little bit of how I really like him, so that made me even more mad cuz it's like, backstabber, double-time.
Anyway, so after the inservice was over, I went home, and I had no idea what to do about anything.
Basically you could call it cruel and unusual torture in the mind.
So yeah, I got the feeling that I should text him and see if I could straighten everything out. so I did.
I asked him what was going on, and he told me that he wanted to be more serious than we have been because we only have a month left - less than a month - until he leaves, and he said he wants to be with me as long as possible.
I didn't know what to think about that...
Half of me went "Oh my gosh, yes!"
But most of me went "Wait, that's not right. We shouldn't."
So we talked it out as much as we could over text, and I told him my concerns, but it didn't help at all. He said I should just trust him and go with it, but I said I'd think about it, so he said "ok, sleep on it."
I was still being practically tortured in my mind over what to do about it, so I asked my dad for a blessing. He asked why, and we talked over the whole thing and got down to the root of the problem. I was afraid to say no because I don't want to feel alone, even though I know it's the right thing to do. So, he gave me a blessing of comfort because we both knew that no matter how things turn out, I'm going to end up with some form of pain. It's inevitable, no matter what option I choose.
So today, I had to go to work at 9 again, and I was just working, and it actually went pretty fast today, which was weird, but then it got closer to 1 o'clock and I got super nervous because that one guy had told me that he had a private swimming lesson at 1, and me, through my genius, figured out that my second to last break was gonna be 20 minutes before 1, so there was almost no doubt that we were gonna see each other when I wasn't on stand.
On another one of my breaks, I'd been talking with my Head Guard about relationships for some reason, and we got talking about my predicament, except I wasn't giving him any leads as to who the guy was. But then he said "does he work here?" and I couldn't lie, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes, so then my HG was like "ohhh, he does! Where is that schedule?" Then he walked over to the corkboard and started going through all the names, and I grabbed my guard tube and rotated before he could harass me.
He followed me out to my chair and said "Now I'm really curious. Just tell me. I pinky swear I won't tell anyone."
Idk about anyone else, but to me, a pinky swear is still legit.
So I said "the only major set-back is that....he's leaving on his mission in a month..."
the HG thought for a second, then his eyes got big and he was like "That One Guy?"
and I said "yeah..."
then he went off on how I was smart in my choice of guys because that one guy is such a good guy and whatnot and inside I was thinking "duh, I know!"
so yeah, that's how that went.
When I was on the Corner chair, that one guy came in, and we made eye contact for a split second before I looked away.
My heart was racing.
My hands were sweating.
"It's ok, don't panic. I can do this." I kept telling myself, but when the rotation switched and I got on break, I got all shaky.
I walked in the guard room and there was no one in there as far as I could tell, but I thought he must be hiding or something... but nobody jumped out at me or anything, so I calmed down a little and went to check the locker rooms, and as I was heading for the door, I saw him..
and my heart skipped a beat...
His hands were full of stuff he'd gotten at the food court, so I opened the door for him and he walked past me, giving me one of his little smiles that's contagious no matter what kind of mood I'm in.
I checked the locker rooms, and came back, and nobody was in the guard room except him.. I panicked for a split second. But I walked in, put my pen away, then frantically tried to find things to busy myself so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I went back to my locker to try and find something interesting maybe 10 times, then I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. Then I saw my water bottle. My poor water bottle that fell off my guard chair and got all dented. Still trying to busy myself, I took it in to empty it...
..................................................................................................................................................
...in the First Aid room.
As soon as I'd gotten to the sink, I thought "oh crap, that was a stupid thing to do." and right then, I felt him behind me, semi-grabbing my waist, but standing to my side and watching me.
I tried to make casual conversation and talked about how my water bottle had tragically fallen off my chair and I couldn't fix it, then he tried to get it back to it's normal shape but it wouldn't go, so I took it back and screwed the lid back on. Then I took a step back and just looked at him.
He had on that look I know so well of "I know what's coming, and I'm upset about it, but I'm not gonna tell you."
"You seem awful quiet." I said, barely above the volume of the ice machine.
He didn't say anything.
"What is it?"
He still didn't say anything.
A sudden lump rose in my throat when he looked up at me, and I all but ran out of the First Aid room so I wouldn't start crying in front of him. I put my water bottle back on the shelf, re-gained my composure, and went to face my fate.
He was sitting back in his chair again, and I sat next to him, and tried to make another bit of casual conversation about my work-out plans for after work, then he got up and went and sat on the cot in the First Aid room...
I had no choice, so I followed.
I sat next to him on the cot, and said "i've been thinking about it a lot.."
He already knew what I was talking about.
"And? What do you think?"
I could barely get the words out of my mouth, but I said "it's not the right time..."
There was a looooooong silence after that that killed me inside, but eventually, he said "why?"
"Because, you're going on your mission in a month. We shouldn't get so attached to each other before you leave."
"We won't. We'll be fine."
"You don't know that..." I challenged, and for a second he didn't say anything.
He kept trying to convince me that everything would be fine after that, and I kept having to tell him "no, we shouldn't do it," and eventually I had to say "no, just -" but I couldn't make myself say "stop."
I brought up how I know his parents wouldn't approve of our getting serious before he leaves and he asked why, and I said that even though I didn't know his mom and the rest of his family very well, I could tell a long time ago that they would be disappointed if he had a girlfriend 3 weeks before he's supposed to leave on his mission.
He didn't say anything again after that...
I told him another reason was because I didn't want to have to "Dear John" him if things don't work, and he said he didn't expect me to wait for him, and I told him I wasn't going to, and he said that was good. But I also told him that another reason was because I don't want to receive a "Dear Jane" from him.
My hands started to shake and I wished he would hold them but he never touched me. I grabbed my knees nervously, and he let his knee fall so it rested on the back of my hand, then bent in half so his head rested on his knees.
I wanted to run my fingers through his soft hair sooo bad, but I couldn't do it. It wouldn't help anything.
When he sat up again, he said "I just wanna show you how I feel."
Trying to ignore the lump steadily trying to rise in my throat again, I said "I know...but we can't."
"Just once." He practically plead and I wanted to scream and run away. Why was he making me be the one to say "no"?
I don't think he was doing it intentionally, but it was happening...
"No, we can't. We shouldn't." I said again, and he didn't say anything, but I could tell he had resigned. He stood up for a minute, and put his hand on my head. I didn't know if he was trying to not give in to himself and caress my hair, but eventually he let go and sat back down.
"I'm sorry..." I said quietly, and he just made the face of "don't worry about it." but he never said it.
The last thing he said to me was "I probably better change. My private lesson is probably here." so I got up and made it to the doorway of the First Aid room when I turned and saw his arms were opened towards me...
I gave in.
I went, probably too hastily, into his arms, and we held each other lightly, then tightly for a moment, released, and our hands touched for just a second before I let go and looked away.
While he was still in the First Aid room, I went to my locker again and the lump in my throat finally got caught and one tear found its way past my eye lashes and fell down my cheek. I hurriedly cleared my eyes and took several long breaths before he came back out and I saw there were several more people in the guard room, but none of them looked suspicious of me or him.
Then I rotated, and only saw him briefly while he taught his lesson. He only made eye contact with me a couple times, and I couldn't read his expression.
When he left, he glanced back at me before going out the door, and I had to continue on with my shift, but I felt strangely peaceful, and I knew it was because I'd done the right thing for both of us, but it wasn't quite enough to quench the heartache I felt.
After I had finished teaching swim lessons, when I was leaving the parking lot, I texted him, again trying to make casual conversation, but he was giving one-word answers. Even for him, that's never a good sign.
I explained that even though I said we couldn't get serious, I still wanted to be really good friends, because he's my best friend, and I don't wanna lose that before he goes...
He just said "yeah."
I asked him if he could handle it, and he said "handle. do you think I'm incapable?"
I said "No, just the last time I asked somebody that, I got a flat-out 'no.'"
I'm hoping that I haven't completely ruined a good friendship, and am wondering if anything will ever happen. It is 2 years, and he'll change a lot, and so will I. But maybe there's still hope. I'm not sure though, because...
...he never replied.
But it's kinda depressing.
A lot has gone on since I wrote last. Yesterday was my inservice at work to recertify for CPR and Emergency Oxygen, and I'd already been at work for 9 hours, so I decided to just go to the earlier scheduled time and get it over with. That one guy was there too... and the whole time he hardly said a word to me. He sat next to one of the head guards who was at the inservice, who was a girl. It kinda made me mad because I was like "ok, so i'm trying to keep my distance, so you go and throw yourself at another girl?"
I didn't actually say that.
What's more is that I kinda told her a little bit of how I really like him, so that made me even more mad cuz it's like, backstabber, double-time.
Anyway, so after the inservice was over, I went home, and I had no idea what to do about anything.
Basically you could call it cruel and unusual torture in the mind.
So yeah, I got the feeling that I should text him and see if I could straighten everything out. so I did.
I asked him what was going on, and he told me that he wanted to be more serious than we have been because we only have a month left - less than a month - until he leaves, and he said he wants to be with me as long as possible.
I didn't know what to think about that...
Half of me went "Oh my gosh, yes!"
But most of me went "Wait, that's not right. We shouldn't."
So we talked it out as much as we could over text, and I told him my concerns, but it didn't help at all. He said I should just trust him and go with it, but I said I'd think about it, so he said "ok, sleep on it."
I was still being practically tortured in my mind over what to do about it, so I asked my dad for a blessing. He asked why, and we talked over the whole thing and got down to the root of the problem. I was afraid to say no because I don't want to feel alone, even though I know it's the right thing to do. So, he gave me a blessing of comfort because we both knew that no matter how things turn out, I'm going to end up with some form of pain. It's inevitable, no matter what option I choose.
So today, I had to go to work at 9 again, and I was just working, and it actually went pretty fast today, which was weird, but then it got closer to 1 o'clock and I got super nervous because that one guy had told me that he had a private swimming lesson at 1, and me, through my genius, figured out that my second to last break was gonna be 20 minutes before 1, so there was almost no doubt that we were gonna see each other when I wasn't on stand.
On another one of my breaks, I'd been talking with my Head Guard about relationships for some reason, and we got talking about my predicament, except I wasn't giving him any leads as to who the guy was. But then he said "does he work here?" and I couldn't lie, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes, so then my HG was like "ohhh, he does! Where is that schedule?" Then he walked over to the corkboard and started going through all the names, and I grabbed my guard tube and rotated before he could harass me.
He followed me out to my chair and said "Now I'm really curious. Just tell me. I pinky swear I won't tell anyone."
Idk about anyone else, but to me, a pinky swear is still legit.
So I said "the only major set-back is that....he's leaving on his mission in a month..."
the HG thought for a second, then his eyes got big and he was like "That One Guy?"
and I said "yeah..."
then he went off on how I was smart in my choice of guys because that one guy is such a good guy and whatnot and inside I was thinking "duh, I know!"
so yeah, that's how that went.
When I was on the Corner chair, that one guy came in, and we made eye contact for a split second before I looked away.
My heart was racing.
My hands were sweating.
"It's ok, don't panic. I can do this." I kept telling myself, but when the rotation switched and I got on break, I got all shaky.
I walked in the guard room and there was no one in there as far as I could tell, but I thought he must be hiding or something... but nobody jumped out at me or anything, so I calmed down a little and went to check the locker rooms, and as I was heading for the door, I saw him..
and my heart skipped a beat...
His hands were full of stuff he'd gotten at the food court, so I opened the door for him and he walked past me, giving me one of his little smiles that's contagious no matter what kind of mood I'm in.
I checked the locker rooms, and came back, and nobody was in the guard room except him.. I panicked for a split second. But I walked in, put my pen away, then frantically tried to find things to busy myself so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I went back to my locker to try and find something interesting maybe 10 times, then I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. Then I saw my water bottle. My poor water bottle that fell off my guard chair and got all dented. Still trying to busy myself, I took it in to empty it...
..................................................................................................................................................
...in the First Aid room.
As soon as I'd gotten to the sink, I thought "oh crap, that was a stupid thing to do." and right then, I felt him behind me, semi-grabbing my waist, but standing to my side and watching me.
I tried to make casual conversation and talked about how my water bottle had tragically fallen off my chair and I couldn't fix it, then he tried to get it back to it's normal shape but it wouldn't go, so I took it back and screwed the lid back on. Then I took a step back and just looked at him.
He had on that look I know so well of "I know what's coming, and I'm upset about it, but I'm not gonna tell you."
"You seem awful quiet." I said, barely above the volume of the ice machine.
He didn't say anything.
"What is it?"
He still didn't say anything.
A sudden lump rose in my throat when he looked up at me, and I all but ran out of the First Aid room so I wouldn't start crying in front of him. I put my water bottle back on the shelf, re-gained my composure, and went to face my fate.
He was sitting back in his chair again, and I sat next to him, and tried to make another bit of casual conversation about my work-out plans for after work, then he got up and went and sat on the cot in the First Aid room...
I had no choice, so I followed.
I sat next to him on the cot, and said "i've been thinking about it a lot.."
He already knew what I was talking about.
"And? What do you think?"
I could barely get the words out of my mouth, but I said "it's not the right time..."
There was a looooooong silence after that that killed me inside, but eventually, he said "why?"
"Because, you're going on your mission in a month. We shouldn't get so attached to each other before you leave."
"We won't. We'll be fine."
"You don't know that..." I challenged, and for a second he didn't say anything.
He kept trying to convince me that everything would be fine after that, and I kept having to tell him "no, we shouldn't do it," and eventually I had to say "no, just -" but I couldn't make myself say "stop."
I brought up how I know his parents wouldn't approve of our getting serious before he leaves and he asked why, and I said that even though I didn't know his mom and the rest of his family very well, I could tell a long time ago that they would be disappointed if he had a girlfriend 3 weeks before he's supposed to leave on his mission.
He didn't say anything again after that...
I told him another reason was because I didn't want to have to "Dear John" him if things don't work, and he said he didn't expect me to wait for him, and I told him I wasn't going to, and he said that was good. But I also told him that another reason was because I don't want to receive a "Dear Jane" from him.
My hands started to shake and I wished he would hold them but he never touched me. I grabbed my knees nervously, and he let his knee fall so it rested on the back of my hand, then bent in half so his head rested on his knees.
I wanted to run my fingers through his soft hair sooo bad, but I couldn't do it. It wouldn't help anything.
When he sat up again, he said "I just wanna show you how I feel."
Trying to ignore the lump steadily trying to rise in my throat again, I said "I know...but we can't."
"Just once." He practically plead and I wanted to scream and run away. Why was he making me be the one to say "no"?
I don't think he was doing it intentionally, but it was happening...
"No, we can't. We shouldn't." I said again, and he didn't say anything, but I could tell he had resigned. He stood up for a minute, and put his hand on my head. I didn't know if he was trying to not give in to himself and caress my hair, but eventually he let go and sat back down.
"I'm sorry..." I said quietly, and he just made the face of "don't worry about it." but he never said it.
The last thing he said to me was "I probably better change. My private lesson is probably here." so I got up and made it to the doorway of the First Aid room when I turned and saw his arms were opened towards me...
I gave in.
I went, probably too hastily, into his arms, and we held each other lightly, then tightly for a moment, released, and our hands touched for just a second before I let go and looked away.
While he was still in the First Aid room, I went to my locker again and the lump in my throat finally got caught and one tear found its way past my eye lashes and fell down my cheek. I hurriedly cleared my eyes and took several long breaths before he came back out and I saw there were several more people in the guard room, but none of them looked suspicious of me or him.
Then I rotated, and only saw him briefly while he taught his lesson. He only made eye contact with me a couple times, and I couldn't read his expression.
When he left, he glanced back at me before going out the door, and I had to continue on with my shift, but I felt strangely peaceful, and I knew it was because I'd done the right thing for both of us, but it wasn't quite enough to quench the heartache I felt.
After I had finished teaching swim lessons, when I was leaving the parking lot, I texted him, again trying to make casual conversation, but he was giving one-word answers. Even for him, that's never a good sign.
I explained that even though I said we couldn't get serious, I still wanted to be really good friends, because he's my best friend, and I don't wanna lose that before he goes...
He just said "yeah."
I asked him if he could handle it, and he said "handle. do you think I'm incapable?"
I said "No, just the last time I asked somebody that, I got a flat-out 'no.'"
I'm hoping that I haven't completely ruined a good friendship, and am wondering if anything will ever happen. It is 2 years, and he'll change a lot, and so will I. But maybe there's still hope. I'm not sure though, because...
...he never replied.
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