One Month is Almost Up

On my end, nothing has changed.

I've decided that I don't want to be

with Cade.

Honestly, I don't really miss him.

What I do miss, though,

is the relationship itself.

This may sound twisted and maybe

a little obsessive,

but that's really what I've been missing.

Being single sucks.

And I really wish I had something to do

with myself.

I mean, maybe I'll be able to finish

my music album, because, my heck,

this has been really hard, and generally

hard things generate really good

music.

It's Over

Cade broke up with me tonight...

Come to find out 

he's been feeling a bit like it 

wouldn't work out for a while, but

he never wanted to tell me. 

I hardly even want to write about this 

because I think I shut off my emotions

as soon as we started talking tonight.

We went to the temple today,

and honestly, I'm so confused, 

because I felt like it went super 

well, but I guess

he didn't feel the same way.

In fact, he said that he really started

feeling like it wasn't going to work

after we had went.

In the car, on our way back to his house

from the temple,

I kept trying to get him to talk about it,

but he was of so little words,

it was really difficult.

But, I did get him to tell me about when

he felt like electrical engineering 

was what he was supposed to do,

career-wise.

He said that it just seemed to "click"

the right way, so he just knew.

That got me thinking.

If our relationship wasn't "clicking"

for him, something isn't right, 

so I was thinking about that a lot while I

was at work, and afterward, I went 

over to his house and we talked about it.

And he admitted everything that 

he hasn't been telling me for

the past 2 months. 

So, we agreed mutually that we're 

going to spend a month apart, and if,

by the beginning of next month,

we feel better about being apart

than we did about being together, then

we're going to just stay apart.

I know I need to sleep, but honestly, 

I don't feel like I can sleep.

It's like, I feel like I want to cry so hard

that I throw up, but I don't feel anything.

I think I literally shut my emotions off. 

Maybe that wasn't the best thing to do,

but as soon as I knew where it was going,

that he was going to break it off,

I felt the wall come up. 

Hardcore, too.

I keep trying to remind myself that this

isn't the end of the world,

and that I learned something from this,

but I have no idea what I learned

from it.

I mean, I guess I learned that I want

a man that can be honest with me.

I told my best friend as I was driving home

(Of course I told her what happened)

"I have better things to live for

than to die for some boy."

Which is true.

But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt,

to have that empty space there.

I hate to say that he wasn't 

taking up much room, but I don't

think the attachment was as strong as it

would have been had he actually been

putting a lot of effort into making me feel

like he wanted me to be

his girlfriend.

Oh well. 

Tomorrow's a new day.

Start fresh, I guess.

Catching Up Post #4

So, for the most part, over the past while,

most of my posts have been made while I've been 

on my phone, so I apologize for the 

inconsistency in the spacing and such.

I can't center the text on a cellphone.

But! Anyway!

This post is nothing but happy!

I already told the story of how I kissed Cade 

about a week ago, and how he'd taken it

remarkably well. 

So, long story short, two days later, we said
"Ok, yeah, let's make this official." 

So, he's my boyfriend now!!!

Fina-freakin-lly!!!

This is pretty much the last catch-up post

I need to do.  I think.

I know though, with all the other guys 

I've been dating recently, I really

got myself into some hot water here.

But, I'm not worrying about it for now.

We're young adults.

We date.

Sometimes we date a lot of people,

but when we decide on one, 

that's that.

I don't think I led any of them on, either.

I never was like "Oh yeah, I really like you."

I think I did a pretty good job at really 

keeping them all at arm's length

up until now, when I can just forget about 

all of them.

Because I'm very happy with my decision,

and I haven't done anything out-of-line,

so I feel like I can just move on with life.

With Cade.

:) 

I like this.

He does too, actually. A lot.

It's so weird to think about how far I've come

in the past 5 years.  5 1/2, technically.

And even if things don't work out with Cade, 

I think I have the skills I need to be able

to pick up and move on with life, 

instead of becoming a total train-wreck.

Yep. Life is good.

Catching Up Post #3

So, last post I had just revealed my Bishop's counsel to kiss Cade.
Here's how that went.
It was a Thursday. I had just finished a meeting at work, and Cade asked me to come up and hang out at his house. I knew that I was going to have to kiss him, so the whole time I was there, I was especially jittery, nervous, and giddy all at the same time. I was with him for 7 hours, the whole time wondering about how I was going to pull it off without it being totally awkward.
When it was time for me to go, Cade walked me out. Normally, he just walks me out to the porch, we talk for a little bit, and we part ways from there. This time, he walked me all the way out to my car. We stood by my car, talking, and I knew that the time was now or never. So, in the middle of our conversation, I said
"Cade, there's something I need to give you."
He was confused, thinking I had something else from Tennessee to give him. He said "ok, what is it?"
Scrambling, I said "you have to close your eyes."
He smirked, chuckled slightly, and closed his eyes. I said "are you ready for this?"
Again, confused, he said "I think so." He was smiling, but his teeth were showing. I was thinking 'there's no way I'm kissing him with his mouth open. Freak. How do I fix this?'
Then I got an idea.
I placed my hands on either side of his face, just below his jaw, subliminally letting him know that this was about to happen. Then I said, "are you sure you're ready for this?"
He said nothing. But, he closed his mouth! Mission accomplished! So, naturally, I leaned up on my toes and kissed him. It was short, but when we parted, he said "wow." I began to shake uncontrollably, as is the norm when I first kiss a guy. Cade laughed, but gave me a huge hug. He told me he hoped I wasn't feeling afraid of him, to which I said "nope, not at all. I was just really nervous."
So, as of then, Cade officially lost his virgin lips. He was pretty ok with that.

Catching Up Post #2

Back to the trip. When it was over, Cade volunteered to pick me up from the airport, and when I landed, he was making my phone ring off the hook because he was so excited to see me, he couldn't stand it.
When we got back to my house from the airport, we were just talking and he wouldn't let me get out of arm's reach, which I thought was rather adorable. If I walked too far for him to reach me, he'd follow me until he could put his arm around me again. Grandma thought that was hilariously cute. I did too. When he was leaving, I told him that I remembered he said something would be different, so I said "what's different?" And he basically said that he needed one more day to solidify, but he said he thought he was pretty much ready for a committed relationship. We said goodnight after that, and I went to bed. I should have been ecstatic, what with him suddenly feeling ready to commit! Right?
Nope. I panicked.
I completely panicked.
I woke up the next morning, and I could remember I was thinking about him, but my heart was pounding so fast, and it wasn't a good kind of pounding. I had a feeling of utter dread and terror.
I was confused about it because if that was a sign from God that the relationship wasn't right and I needed to get out of it, why had He been pushing me to stay in the relationship for so long? It didn't add up to me, so I was debating what to do. I was praying in my heart about it, and I had this feeling I should go see my bishop. So, I set up a meeting, and I was going to be visiting with him that night.
That whole day at work, I was jittery and irritable, so I was glad when I got to go home and go directly to my church building.
When I got there, the Bishop welcomed me in, and I told him my dilemma. He asked me some questions about the relationship, and about Cade, to which I answered honestly, and the answers were all in favor of Cade. Then he asked me a very important question.
"Have you kissed him?"
And I said "no.. not really. We had to kiss on the kiss-cam at BYU, but that's the only time." The bishop told me that didn't count, which I agreed with. Bishop asked me some more questions, and then he sat, pondering for a moment, and then he said,
"Ok, I think - and I can't believe I'm telling you this - that you need to, to put it frankly, plant one on him."
My brow furrowed.
"You mean KISS him??" I asked, dumbfounded.
"Yeah. That's what I mean."
We laughed for a solid 5 minutes about that, because honestly, what bishop ever tells two young adults that they need to be kissing? I'd never heard of that before. But, I agreed, and said I would do my part. I had a good feeling about it, and when I got home, I prayed for confirmation of the instruction I was given.
It was a "duh" answer.
So, there was my next quest: to kiss this boy I had sworn I wouldn't kiss until he put a ring on my finger. More of that next time.

Catching Up Post #1

So, going back like, 3 weeks ago, I was leaving to go to Tennessee to visit my parents.  Before I left, it was my last Sunday, and I was so ticked at Cade because he still was dragging his feet, and was pretty consistently flaking out on me. He showed up at my house unexpectedly, so we sat in the kitchen for a while and talked. During said talk, I opened up about my feelings of frustration concerning his lack of ability to commit. I felt bad even saying it, even though it had to be said, so I freaking started crying while I was talking. And then he started crying, so then it was just a big cry-fest.
He did say though, that he felt he didn't quite understand just how hard it was for me to be in the "limbo" phase - dating other guys, but having my heart completely set on Cade - so he said that after me saying it, and crying, that he understood it a lot more. And now that he knew what the problem was, he went into "fix-it" mode.
"Ok, when you get back, things are going to be different." So I was like "alright", and that was basically our good-bye.
It was incredible though, while I was on my trip, he was so attentive and would talk to me all the time, even though he was 5 hours behind me. (He and his family went to Hawaii while I was gone.) I was thoroughly impressed by his extra efforts to stay in touch.
I'll take a break here until the next post. I have a lot to catch up on.

Guess who?

So, this may come as an intense surprise. Guess who pretty much came back from the dead?
Ricky.
I don't think I posted about the time that he texted me about a month or so ago. I was a real witch when we talked then, like totally emotionless. My wall was up hardcore. So anyway, he just finished finals last week, so he's on summer break, and a couple days ago I got a text from someone in my old group of friends from High School who wanted to get together and have a party. Ricky was going to be there, so I was a little wary of going, but I was thinking "I'll show him. I'll go and be just fine." So then, the day of the party, I was on my Facebook, and he was online, so I was like "I'm gonna prove my point. He won't answer." So, I messaged him. I waited a few minutes, and nothing, so I exited the conversation window, rather pleased with myself, but suddenly it popped back up again.. he had responded! That was the first time in months! And in fact, he was the one doing most of the conversing and asking questions and such. I was honestly shocked. We got off the chat, because I had to go to work, and he was like "see you tonight!" So we got off, and I was going to work, and then he texted me! I was like "ok, what do you want??" because it was like "can you really not wait until tonight to talk to me?" so, we texted back and forth a little, then after work I went to Figit's house - remember him? I dated him before my mission. We're still good friends. Anyway, I was with Figit for a couple hours, then I went over to the party. When I walked in, Ricky was there, and we were all talking and reminiscing and whatnot, and I noticed that Ricky kept staring at me. A lot. And there was one moment when I was explaining to everyone why they never know what's going on in my life, and I just said "that's because I don't really tell anybody anything," and then Ricky chimed in with the things he and I had been talking about. I couldn't help but wonder if he was saying those things just to prove that he was paying attention to what I was saying. Later, we had all moved to the couches, and I ended up sitting next to Ricky, and at one point he turned to me and mentioned that he seemed to have a talent for disappearing off the face of the Earth. I turned to him, and quietly enough that no one else could hear, I said "yeah, I know." rather sharply, and his expression seemed to melt. He said "I'm so sorry that I disappeared back in October. I really feel bad about that." I didn't know what to say, so I just looked from him back to everyone else at least twice, smirking uncertainly, and then said "ok." It was the best I could come up with.
We went on throughout the evening cordially, but he kept smacking me with a pillow. I got him back a couple times. At the end of the party, we ended up leaving at the same time, and as we walked out, we were talking, and got rather carried away in our conversation until I had started to shiver. He offered for us to continue talking in his car, so we went and continued on talking sitting in his car, which is very nice, by the way.
Again, he started talking about how he felt really bad for disappearing, and started to give his explanation. He never mentioned our mutual friend that I knew he had had a crush on for a while, just school. So, I asked him directly if she had anything to do with it. He said she didnt, and continued to explain his behavior, because apparently he somewhat shut down because of the load of schoolwork that had been heaped on him. I understood the shutting down part completely.
So then he me how I was doing, and I could tell he didn't want a "yes" or "no", so I said "better." He wanted to know what I meant by that, so I said "better than I was out in Tennessee." So then he asked what happened. He wanted to know what had happened to me out there. I asked him twice if he was sure he wanted to hear the whole story, because it wasn't a good story, but he insisted. So, warily, I began telling him about how day by day out there doing nothing, I began to lose myself and get lost in a daze. The depression was so bad that sometimes I couldn't get out of bed until the middle of the afternoon. At one point, I had seriously been considering suicide, and had made a plan for how I was going to do it, and that's when I started therapy. I told him that my Branch President in Tennessee made me promise that I would continue out here, so I said I go to therapy every week, and I've been getting a lot better. It was a much different reaction than the one I got when I told Cade. It was the sort of reaction I've been hoping for. He didn't freak out, but he just gave his sympathy as best he could, which was all I needed. So then, here's the climax, he asked me on a date. Originally it was actually supposed to be tonight, but we ended up having to reschedule to Monday, which I'm ok with. I'm exhausted.
But yeah, so, Ricky is back in the picture. He has officially re-entered the "love angle".

Watch out, Cade..

So, no surprise here, Cade still won't commit.
NO SURPRISE there.
So, I've been dating around as much as I freakin want to the past while, just because I can for one, and also because I don't have my eyes half shut yet.  I'm still looking around.
Which brings me to the subject of my post.
Today, I went on a date with a guy who served in the same mission as me.  I always thought that would be weird dating guys from the mission, but it was actually really fun.
He freaking brought over his motorcycle!
It was seriously so fun!
We went over to Costa Vida and got lunch, and just talked about stuff, and then both of us had other stuff to do, so it was a really short date, but it was still a date.  And I really kinda like this guy.  His name is Adam.  (not really, you know the drill). But anyway, the point is that Adam left today to go up to Oregon to do summer sales, but he'll be back in the fall. So, he won't be here for the next approx. 4 months.  But, the point is that if Cade can't commit by the end of the summer, he may very well be freakin out of luck, because I like this guy a lot, and if he comes back here and says "yeah, lets date some more" I'm gonna be like "Heck yeah!"
AND, over the summer, the elder from my mission that I had the hugest crush on gets home. Although he lives in Arizona, but that doesn't mean that we can't talk! We totally will! All the time!
AND, also, around August, my really good friend from work gets home from his mission, and I kinda sorta like that kid too.  People always used to tease us and say that we were a "thing" while we worked together, even though we weren't.  Like, we totally weren't. He was 16. I was 18. Ew. Cougar status.
BUT! Now hes over 18. So, hes legal.
Freak! It's rainin' men! Somebody get me an umbrella!

The Struggle Is Real

So, the last time I wrote, it had sounded like things were going to get serious between me and Cade sooner rather than later. Psyche.  Nothing had really changed.  In fact, if anything, we've taken a step backwards.  It started when he asked me if I wanted to go watch General Conference with him and his family, the Saturday sessions anyway.  I didn't have any previous plans, so I figured, "why not?"  When I went over, we watched Conference, but I was sooo tired, because I had just had a 40 hour work week, so during the 2 hour break between sessions, I konked out on their couch.  I slept for most of the break, until he woke me up.  I forgot an important piece of information though.  Previously,  we had been talking about being "official", but what he ended up deciding was that he wanted to keep waiting.  So, I told him that I didn't want to keep acting like a couple if we weren't actually a couple.  Basically saying that he can't be all touchy-feely with me unless he commits.  Anyway, I digress.  During Conference, he was being all touchy-feely again, which was making me mad, so after the second session was over, I had to go to work, and when he walked me to the door, I said "So, about the whole, not acting like a couple if we're not a couple thing? It doesn't seem like it's going so well."  To which he responded: "Oh yeah.. sorry about that. You may need to remind me about that."  And after a short good-bye, I left.  I was extremely unhappy about the fact that he had totally forgotten about our agreement, so I thought to myself "To heck with everything.  I'm going on dates with all the guys who have expressed interest in taking me out."  And I've done that.  I went on 2 dates last week with different guys, and was supposed to have one on Saturday, but I ended up getting laryngitis from working myself too hard, so I couldn't go.  It was interesting though, on Saturday, Cade ended up calling me to ask if I was busy that night.  I wasn't, because my previous date had fallen through, so he asked if I wanted to go over to his place and watch a movie.  We ended up watching "The Italian Job" which was somewhat painfully predictable, but still a good movie, and then as he was about to take me home, he was talking about how they had had an Easter Egg hunt that morning in his complex, and they had hid like, 2000 eggs or something.  He was making a joke about how he was probably going to find more eggs around the complex, when suddenly I was like "There's one right there."  So he stopped his car, and I hopped out and got it.  He was most thoroughly impressed, which was rather pleasing.  That was Saturday.  Then, Sunday, he called and wanted to know if I wanted to get together, which I did, but I didn't hear from him for almost an hour, so I said "ok, whatever. I'm going to bed." to myself.  It was about 9:45, so I got up from the kitchen and walked back to my bedroom.  No joke, as soon as I got to my bedroom, my phone started ringing, and it was Cade.  He came over, and we talked in the kitchen for a good couple hours until he had to get back home.  During our conversation though, he was talking about how there was a speaker in his ward that day that, during his talk, suddenly said "You know, brothers and sisters, I love grace."  He was speaking about the principle of God's grace, but Cade's roommates all stared down the row at him when the speaker said that.  Cade told me about it, and I started getting suspicious, wondering if he was going to start using the "L" word.  He also asked me if I would go to FHE in his ward with him the next day, which was yesterday.  I said that I would, so last night, I went with him down to Mapleton, to a place where they had a barn and a pond to row canoes in, it was really fun, and super cute, I really liked it.  I kept telling Cade, whenever I would just look around at the place, "I want it."  And he would say "Noted."  After FHE was over, we went back to my house and were just talking about things again, but pretty soon he had to leave so he could get back to school and work on some homework with a friend of his.  As he was leaving, he asked me if he was doing better on 'not being so touchy', to which I said "I think that it's really hard for you to not be, but yes." And then I reminded him, "You can have it back when you're ready." To which he laughed and said "I haven't had anyone tell me that since I was like, 5." That brought up the subject of him not committing, so I said that I was still trying to understand his point of view, and I asked him if he was afraid of committing to someone in general.  He said he didn't think so, but he said "we'll have to talk about it sometime."  To which I immediately responded, "Alright, but you get to bring it up."  After he walked out the door, he said something about the comment made by the speaker in his ward about "loving grace."  So, I just asked him point blank.  "Do you?"  I think I surprised him with my question, because he came back up to the door.  He stood by the door frame as I was leaning against the semi-open door, and said "What exactly is the question?"  with a nervous laugh.  I smirked and just said "I'll let you stew over that one for a while."  And then he laughed nervously again, and said "Ok, I'm getting a cuteness overload, so I'm gonna go now."  I guess me leaning against the door looked really cute..? That covered a lot over the past couple weeks, but hopefully it gets the point across.

Baby Steps

So, yesterday was another interesting day. I had been getting so sick of waiting for Cade to make up his mind, that yesterday I was actually considering, very seriously, breaking up with him. But it would have been just "breaking up" because he hasn't even decided whether or not he wants to be with me. That was a large contributing factor in my frustration. I had started getting impatient with his slow decision-making, partially because I realized that there was an inconsistency in his behavior: when we first talked about being a couple, he was all for it. Now suddenly he's been much more wary and cautious. I was frustrated by that because I didn't understand why he was being so inconsistent. I talked with both my mom and my grandma about it, and both of them told me that I might just be being impatient and that it's ok that we've been taking this long. That didn't make me feel any better about it though, but I had a feeling that I needed to apologize to him about putting so much pressure on him, and I needed to just wait for the time to be right. Oddly enough, I had some of these impressions as I watched Cinderella with the girls in my family yesterday. I had been debating on whether or not I wanted to go dancing with Cade later that evening, but I decided to give it a go. So, we went swing dancing, which was actually really fun! He did really well, which I was impressed by. Earlier, he had said that after we were done dancing, he'd have to drop me off at home right away so he could get to a piano recital for someone in his ward. However, when he picked me up to go dancing, he asked me if I'd want to go to the recital with him. And he said very blatantly that he wanted me to go with him. So, I ended up going to the recital with him. It was sad though, at the end of the recital, my stomach was hurting so bad, I almost wanted to curl up and die. Getting back home was a struggle, but Cade was so kind and considerate, as I had to stop a few times because the pain got so bad. When we got to my house, he and I were talking about everything that had happened that night, and apparently, he had gotten a lot of positive comments from people about "how cute I was". One of which, I could see how it had happened, because the girl whom the compliment came from had made a bee-line straight toward him at a point when he had walked away from me temporarily. At first, when I had watched the spectacle, I had a spark of jealousy, but I realized I had no reason to feel threatened. Apparently, when she had made her bee-line, the first thing she had said was "ok. That girl is so CUTE!" or something to that extent. I'm prone to think that Cade was exaggerating. Towards the end of our conversation though, I spoke my mind about how I knew I had been putting a lot of pressure on him, and that I felt bad about it, because it was unnecessary. He responded by saying that more than being overwhelmed, he was simply amazed that I wanted it so badly because he didn't feel like I should want to be with him. I sometimes feel the same way about him, like I'm unworthy for him to have chosen to want to be with me.
The best part of the night though was when he surprised me. We were just about to part ways for the night, when his voice started to stutter a little, and he said "so..um...don't feel obligated to talk to any guys at church tomorrow. Like, don't feel like you have to.." which I knew was a tiny way of him saying "I want you to be mine." And even though he hasn't said it out loud yet, this gives me hope that that day isn't far off. I had an encompassing feeling of peace, and was glad that I had listened to the feeling I had that had told me to still be patient and wait for the time to be right.

Answers in disguise

Yesterday was an interesting day for me and Cade. He came over in the early afternoon while I was cleaning my car, and we hung out for a little while. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to Stake Conference, and he said he would like to, but at the same time, he said "I want to give those other guys a chance though." And when he said that, I'm pretty sure my eyes turned into daggers. I managed to maintain my composure, but once he left, I was fuming. I went to finish cleaning my car, and I was planning how I was going to break up with him. With his constant pushing for me to date other guys, I felt as if he was pushing me away. And I was sick and tired of it. Cade had said he would call me and tell me if he could come, but I didn't believe he was actually going to call me. I figured he would flake out and tell me he got busy. However, he called me at about quarter after 5, telling me he would be there. I was pleasantly surprised. During Conference, there were a lot of things that stood out to me, particularly about making decisions, counseling together, and that God loves me. All of those things were things that related to me and Cade. I knew that I needed to sit down and talk with him about everything, but I was scared and would have rather not.
After Conference though, we went back and watched a movie at his apartment, which was really fun. I was exhausted though. When he drove me home though, we were able to have a good, long discussion about what's been going on. He ended up telling me that when he would talk about giving the "other guys a chance", it was more of him saying "are you sure you want me?" And when he said that, my anger melted away, and I was filled with empathy. I understood why he said it so much. I was able to tell him that I was sure about my decision, and that he didn't need to second-guess that. It was a really important conversation that we had, and I know it was no coincidence that it happened the way it did.
After I was inside, I was thinking about all of it, and I had a thought that perhaps Cade was experiencing so much shyness and doubt so that I could learn to talk and bring up things that are concerning to me. I've never been good at that, so maybe this is Heavenly Father's plan - to help me learn how to communicate better, because I firmly believe that once Cade is married, he'll have no trouble talking about important things. I believe that very firmly. So, who knows? Only time will tell. He did promise me though that he would make an executive decision soon, which means he may decide that he does want to be exclusive. So, we'll find out soon enough!

Big Hero 6

So, tonight, Cade took me out again, and we seriously had so much fun! First thing was we went bowling at the BYU lanes, but it wasn't just any bowling, it was Skittle bowling, meaning that depending on what color of Skittle we drew from the bag was the way we had to bowl. I probably did better at bowling tonight than I have in my whole life. It was incredible! Then, afterward, we were going to see Interstellar, but it was all sold out, so we ended up seeing Big Hero 6 instead, which was SO funny, I seriously about died haha
I actually did kind of almost die tonight though.. I had a Skittle get caught in the back of my throat and I couldn't breathe at all. Probably one of the scariest sensations ever, by the way. I never want that to happen again.
But, my goodness, Cade is so cute. Part of me is just waiting for him to catch up to me and decide that this is what he wants. Or at least, I hope he ends up deciding that. Oh, whoops, did I just say that?

Valentimes

Alright, wow.
I'm shocked!
So, Cade and I have been pretty much dating since that first date almost 3 weeks ago. Never in a million years thought that would happen.
He's already met all my extended family, and I've met his immediate family, although his mom doesn't seem to like me very much... that kind of worries me, but everyone I know calls that the "mother-in-law syndrome".
I never really knew what that meant.
Now I do.
It's not fun, by the way. Although I can understand her perspective. Given how much I don't like girls generally, if I have sons and they're bringing girls home to meet the family, I may have some concerns as well, so I'm trying to not let it totally overwhelm me and make me panic. Naturally, that's kind of what I want to do, but I'm trying to keep calm.
But, anyway, that's not what I wanted to write this post about.
I wanted to give a particular shout-out to Cade for the best Valentine's Day ever! I had to work this morning, but I guess he was planning to surprise me after I got home from work. Even my grandma and my cousin were in on it! I have to admit, I kind of suspected that he was planning something to surprise me, but I didn't know what. What it ended up being was he brought me Reeses and some balloons, and this adorable card :) it was so cute! Then he took me out to lunch at Zupas and originally we were going to go play Frisbee and take a walk, but we decided to go for a hike instead, which turned out to be BEAUTIFUL!
Go figure. Hiking in February.
It was probably the best Valentine's Day I've ever had in my whole life. No joke about that. And, as a plus, I reached my pedometer goal today. Kudos to me. So, to reward myself, I vegged out on my bed watching Tangled tonight. I figured that's the best chick-flick I have, so I went with it. And it was great! I watched Tangled and ate all my Reeses. It was glorious.

Wait... what just happened?

So, it's been a really crazy last couple of weeks.

I got to Utah, and I'd been really mad over what happened

with Ricky and with the guy whom the previous post is about.

I think I called him David?

Anyway, that's not important.

I have better things to talk about today.

I have much better things to talk about, actually.

I think I've made this pretty clear to 

anyone and everyone who has ever known me,

but I have been completely and absolutely

opposed to being set up on dates.

Like, blind dates.

Bleh.

Even thinking about going on a blind date

would make my stomach churn and I would feel

all jittery and nervous. 

But, when I got to Utah, I was talking to

my cousin, who's also my roommate 

at the moment, and she told me about her friend

Cade, who she said she would really like to

set me up with.

Now, my natural instinct would have been to say

"Thank you, but no."

But for some reason, when she was telling me about him,

suddenly words "Yeah, that sounds great!"

came out of my mouth, and I was like 

"Wait...what?"

So she got a hold of him and said that he should 

ask me out, which he did!

He called me on Thursday and asked if I would like

to go out to dinner, which I said I would,

so we agreed on Friday (yesterday).

I wasn't able to talk to him for very long because

the fire alarm went off at work and I had to run,

but when I went on the date with him 

yesterday, first off, he was punctual,

in fact he was a couple minutes early,

and then all throughout the date he was completely

and totally chivalrous and courteous, he had wonderful

manners, I never heard him say a negative word 

about anyone or anything, he told me all about

his family, especially his four younger sisters,

and by the end of the date, I think I could say 

he had me, hook, line, and sinker.

It was honestly the best date I've ever been on

in my whole life.

And, while we were out, he told me about

how he has passes to go to the BYU basketball

games, and he told me that if I ever want to go,

I can go with him.

Plus, he asked me on another date next week anyway.

Which I'm really excited for.

There are so many things about him that I'm just

enraptured by, I can't even get over it.

I'm just trying to be myself and keep my sense of 

propriety so I don't overstep my bounds.

As far as I know, he doesn't have anyone that he's

"committed" to, or anything, because he seemed

genuinely interested in me.

Like, the way he would look right into my eyes

while we were at dinner. It almost made me

a little uncomfortable the first time he did it,

but then, I had this thought that just said 

"relax, it's ok. Look back at him."

So I did.

He has gorgeous eyes..

And he's really tall.

And his hair is dark.

3 major plus marks for him!

But those are just minor things compared to the rest.

Man, I feel like I'm totally raving about him..

I've only been on one date with him haha

but, the rest is yet to come!

I'm really excited for it!

First blind date?

Success.

 

To Whom it May Concern:

Hey.

Just thought I'd drop in to 

let you know what's happened to me

since the last time I saw you.

You'll probably never read this, but if you

ever see me again, you won't have to.

When you came into my life,

I thought I was following a path that would

lead to happiness.

I thought I could trust you, because

you understood me, without me having to

speak. 

It was almost as if you could

read my mind.

You knew my secret, my weakness, and you said

you would protect it.

What followed was an overbearing sense

of "You're mine" and too much

planning for a future that may or may not

have happened. 

I never said anything because I figured

you knew more than I did about relationships

because you're older than me, but I 

couldn't shake how utterly confused I was

because I didn't think I wanted to marry you,

but you were completely dead-set sure 

that I was yours.

After we broke up, we tried to be friends,

but you wouldn't speak to me.

When you would speak to me, it was some 

snarky, sarcastic remark about how I "spurned" you,

to which I bluntly agreed to, which apparently

left you offended.

When you finally decided to be my friend, 

 it was less of a friendship and more

like a prison.

I couldn't escape you, I couldn't

hide anything from you.

And I believed you every time you told me

what I was thinking, even if it wasn't 100% correct.

And I put up with how bluntly you would 

tear me down, like telling me I'm horrible

at keeping promises.

I was battling depression, and you always said

you were there to support me, and would help

me conquer it, but I know now that you were

just using my vulnerable state to

get what you wanted from me.

When I pushed back, my heart racing and

shaking because I couldn't believe what you tried

to do, you seemed so disappointed.

But not in yourself.

You claimed you felt bad for freaking me out,

but I know better now,

because after I left, we didn't speak for a month.

Finally, it seemed like we were getting

the "friends" thing down, and I didn't feel as nervous

around you.

But then Christmas Eve came. 

Christmas Eve, when my weakness surfaced,

 and instead of helping me keep it under control,

you lavished in it. 

You wouldn't let me leave until I had

given you what you wanted, and I was 

powerless to resist.

I told you I wasn't ok with what happened,

but the next time I saw you, 

it happened again.

I was trying to convince myself that 

this was a normal way of living and

interacting, when in my heart, I knew that it

wasn't me, and wasn't right.

When I explained that I couldn't survive the 

way we were handling the situation,

you told me that the ball was in my court.

You wouldn't push, or try to make me uncomfortable.

I saw you that night, and as soon as I walked in the door,

you tried it again.

When I got angry, you wouldn't even look at me.

You promised me that it wouldn't happen again,

and out of the goodness of my heart

I wanted to believe you.

But somehow I knew you didn't mean

anything you said.

And I was right.

I was leaving soon, about to get on a plane

and get as far away from that place as I could.

You asked if you could see me again.

I said yes.

You came over, and since you had never

been in my new house, you asked me to 

show you around.

When we were out of sight and sound of anyone else, 

suddenly the real you came out again.

I wouldn't let you take what wasn't yours,

and then you tried to guilt trip me into giving in.

I walked away from you.

I wasn't going to let you have dominion over me.

When you left that night, I knew you were angry, 

or disappointed that you hadn't gotten what you wanted.

You said you were fine.

Since then, we haven't spoken.

I flew home.

I didn't see anyone but my roommates for the first 4 days,

and then one of my old friends asked me if I wanted to

go to lunch, like we always used to do.

He and I write stories, you see.

We would soundboard ideas off of each other, and ask

for opinions and feedback.

When I saw him last Friday, I could barely speak.

My eyes averted his gaze the majority of the time we were

together.

I almost cried, sitting there at the table, because I was

afraid he would try to make me talk, like you did

4 months ago.

I was afraid he would find out my secret, 

and use it against me.

Like you did.

My old friend, who has given me no reason 

to distrust him, now has to endure my 

skepticism and fear of being honest.

And that's all thanks to you.

Thanks for leaving me worse off than 

you found me.

Someday, I'll get over my distrust, and I'll

find a man who treats me well. 

I'll have my happily ever after, while you're 

watching from Hell.

And someday, you'll see me across the room,

and instead of giving yourself a pat on the back,

I hope you look away,

realizing that someone had to fix what you broke.

You're welcome.

- Grace