My Dreams Like to Torture Me: Part 2

I'm getting to the point where I really hate dreaming lately. The reason for that is because, like I said, they aren't being very nice. The dream I had last night was really very simple. I was with Ricky, and he was showing me this amazing scientific phenomenon, which I was totally mesmerized by. And then, as I was standing there next to him, he put his arm around my waist. It was as simple as that. I was so happy, but then I realized I was dreaming...

Is something wrong with me?

Ok, so, I apologize in advance.

This is going to be a depressing post

because I'm feeling really crappy.

So, if you're in a good mood, I wouldn't

recommend reading this.

I'm so sick of dating, already.

I knew this was going to happen,

as I was getting into the closing months

of my mission, I was like 

"Crap, I'm going to have to start dating..."

And that's EXACTLY what it's been like!

I freakin hate dating!

I HATE it!

I HATE IT!!!!

Does that illustrate the point?

Ugh!

Of COURSE it would be during the holidays

when everyone's being all lovey

with their lovers, 

and then there's me, sittin over here

by myself like:

"I hate you."

It doesn't help that, really, I'm just

really mad at Ricky. Or about him.

Something.

He's the one who's always on my mind,

but I'm starting to think that everything

between me and him was just a fluke

and so like, not even worth my time.

But of COURSE it would happen with him,

right after I find out a bunch of crap

from Nick about what went down between

me and him earlier this year.

That was a really sucky conversation to have.

Ok, I'm totally getting off topic here, because

I can't even think straight, I'm so angry.

This is almost funny, except 

it's totally not.

Ok, let me give the run-down on the conv.

with Nick. That'll explain a lot.

So, while I was on my mission,

just after Nick got home, my parents went to

his homecoming, and got to get to know his

parents, and after that,

EVERYTHING went downhill. No joke.

I had no idea why, until finally I asked him straight up,

and he said that his mom thought

my family was weird.

So then I was like "Say what?"

Yeah, so I guess I've been harboring

that little fact and it's been festering inside

me for the past who knows how long,

because I'm so freaking angry about it

I don't even know what to do with myself.

So, what this has to do with Ricky is,

I guess from that little bit of info from Nick,

I have this little voice inside me that's like,

"No one who is 'temporally fortunate' will

ever want you, because you were raised in poverty."

Yes, this is true.

I was freaking raised in poverty.

It's not my fault that for most of my life, 

my parents could barely afford to keep a roof 

over our heads, let alone feed us or teach us

how to be proper, perfect little children, and 

make sure we looked absolutely fashionable.

I think they had bigger concerns on their plate.

Yes, Ricky's family is very well-off.

Like, extremely well-off.

He's very well-off, and he's only 21..

Whereas me, I'm 21 and only have like,

$50 to my name.

So, basically what this comes down to,

is I feel like no one who is decently well-off

will ever want me because I'm freaking poor 

and uneducated, and apparently my family

is weird because we're not the perfect

Mormon family where nobody fights or 

even disagrees.  Heaven forbid that ANY

family should ever act like that.

That just makes me so angry...

So flippin angry, I could scream.

I really ought to take up a martial art.

That way I won't kill someone someday

by accident.

Ok, I'm gonna backtrack for a second.

Why I'm so mad about what's going on

with Ricky is because it's been like, a month and

a half since I've actually heard from him, like

been able to have a good, long conversation

with him.

He never responds to anything I send him, so

I'm just kind of assuming that there's nothing there

anymore.

That's why I'm so upset.

I feel like he's gone, and I don't know what I did.

I wish I knew,

but it seems to be happening this way lately,

that I like a guy who's really great, but then

they disappear for some reason,

and I never find out why.

Oh well.

Our mutual friend is coming home soon.

He can freakin go marry her for all I care.

I'll find someone else.

Or I'll just grow up a bachelorette 

and never get married.

Yep. There's my rant. 

 

 

5 down, a Million to go

So, David asked me earlier this week 

if we could meet up and talk tonight, and 

kinda sort things out.

We did. He came over tonight, and we
talked for a little while, driving in his car,
but that didn't go anywhere. I was actually
really peeved about where it went,
or I should say where it DIDN'T go.
He basically didn't talk the whole time.
So, he dropped me off,
and I went inside, just thinking: "...huh?"
And then he texted me and was a LOT
more talkative, so I was like "Where was this
10 minutes ago?"
I guess he felt bad, or guilty, something, because
he asked if we could try again, talking, I mean.
I agreed, hesitantly, because if it turned out
anything like the last one, I was going to
let him have it, big time.
I was definitely surprised, because when I went
back out to talk to him, we just sat in his car
in front of my house, and he was
completely the opposite of what he was 10 minutes
previous. In fact, he was almost
interrogating me for answers of why this was this way
and why I acted this way, etc etc.
Now, before you go getting defensive and
labeling him as a jerk, let me just say, for myself,
that I did a freaking crap job of breaking up.
Like, no joke.
Crap job.
So, he kind of had a right to be asking
so many questions.
Anywho, so, I was really taken aback by
all the questions, and I kind of just wanted to
curl up into a ball and hide.
Especially because most of the questions he was
asking were based around the idea that he wanted
to know the exact reasons why I didn't
want to date him anymore.
That was a really hard conversation to have,
and I ended up crying because I felt so shallow
about the fact that I was having problems with
not being very physically attracted to him.
I still feel at least somewhat bad about it, frankly.
Either or, we ended up coming to a very
solid, good agreement, and I would still definitely
consider him to be a very good friend.
It was interesting though, some of the things
we addressed - which were the reason for my
sudden emotional breakdown - weren't about him
at all, and I kind felt the same way I did when
we hung out last Tuesday and I ended up
bawling into his chest for over an hour.
It was a really strange, almost "spiritually
cleansing" moment, I might call it.
Nothing like that has happened since way before I
left on my mission.
And since I've been back, it's happened twice.
The reason for the title this time, was after
I'd finally gotten a hold of myself,
I muttered "One more down."
Speaking figuratively of the bricks that I have
on my shoulders.
David disagreed, and said "I think that was two."
And I said "Probably more like five."
So, that's where that came from.

All the Single Ladies!

That includes me.

Yep.

I'm single again.

Amazingly enough though,

I actually feel really relieved.

And I'm starting to understand what

some people talk about when they say

that sometimes people really try

to get you to think that you're thinking

the same way as them when really 

you're not.

Like, I can see now, David was 

REEEAAAALLLY

trying to convince me to stay here in TN,

to give up my dreams in Utah,

so that we could stay together and 

get married.

It was hard for me to see it in the beginning, 

but as our relationship progressed,

he was asking way too much of me right

from the get-go. 

I think he was probably just really excited to 

have a Mormon girlfriend,

and so he wanted to head straight for the 

altar.

Not my cup of tea.

I sincerely hope that he's alright after this.

I feel like I was pretty gentle about it.

But, I can't bother myself about it too much,

because I'm not responsible for him.

I did learn a ton about myself in the past 2

weeks since we've been together.

Like, honestly, it doesn't feel like it's only 

been 1 1/2 weeks. It feels like it's been a month,

or more.

I am grateful that I was able to have this

experience, but I'm also really grateful

that it has come to an end, also.

Well This is New

So, a couple interesting things happened today.

One:

My dad called me and we had a 

long conversation about me and David, 

and where all that's going.

Two:

I'm very soon going to have been in the

shortest relationship of my life.

I'm breaking up with David. 

I kind of decided that today.

That's really weird, honestly.

For those of you who know me well,

I don't do short relationships.

I can usually determine the ending of a 

relationship before it even starts, 

so I usually don't start them unless 

I see them lasting for a long time.

But, I guess this one was different.

Either that or I'm just learning to be a 

lot smarter than maybe I have been

previously.

It was super weird though, when my dad

called me earlier today though.

I knew what he was calling about before

I even picked up the phone,

but just the fact that he called wanting to

talk to me about it was weird enough.

He's my dad.

He never wants to talk about that stuff.

Or at least I've never thought so.

But, he brought up something that I thought 

was really interesting.

I had always thought that the whole 

physical attraction thing was just a carnal

desire and that it really didn't matter a whole lot

in regard to marriage.

When I was on the phone with my dad though,

he said that physical attraction is just as

important as spiritual attraction.

Some people are spiritually attractive to me.

Some people are physically attractive to me.

I need to find someone who is both, 

because like it even says in the scriptures,

"All things are both spiritual and temporal."

Meaning that the physical attraction is 

also important.

I'd never thought of it like that.

I'd always just thought that if I find a really great guy,

it won't matter if I think he's drop-dead gorgeous,

because he'll be super righteous.

Turns out I was wrong about that.

Maybe that's something I was supposed to learn

from this whole thing.

Who knows?

 

David... oh David...

So, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote...

Holy crap, a lot has happened.

Ok, let me sum up.

So, since the last time I was on here:

I "hung out" with this guy named David,

who I thought was just a friend,

but then he came running with me one day,

and he seemed genuinely interested in me as a person,

and so I basically spilled the beans about 

everything that's occurred in the space of my short

21 years of life.

We had a lot of deep conversations for

not knowing each other too well.

Somehow, I suddenly found myself falling for 

David, and I started freaking out.

Sunday came and went, and, same thing,

I felt like I was falling for him so bad, I could

barely stand it.

Sunday night, he called me and kind of 

"called me out" on my feelings that I was trying

to hide, but wasn't doing a very good job of, 

and he basically said that he was very interested in me,

and he wanted to see if we could try this out.

We spent over an hour and a half talking about

EVERY aspect of our relationship, and how we would

expect it all to pan out.

Then, at the end, I suggested we pray about it and

talk again the following day.

I did so, and it was so weird,

I got the most powerfully peaceful feeling that I've had

while praying in a very long time.

Like, a VERY long time.

So, I decided "Ok, we'll give this a try."

That was a terrible summary, I apologize.

So, here we are, over a week later, 

and I am starting to ask myself why in the world

I'm doing this.

Here are the pros in the relationship:

We're good at communicating

He's good at reading me

I'm good at reading him

We agree on a lot of things

We both love church

We're committed to staying pure

He takes me on actual dates

He is an amazing member-missionary!

He's 27

That's all I can think of right now.

Ok, so, here's the cons of the relationship:

He's SHOVING the "marriage idea"

down my throat.

He has bipolar disorder

He's not a virgin

He didn't serve a mission

He's currently not able to go to the temple

He's super touchy-feely. I thought I was... no way.

His family seems reeeaaaallly odd.

His roommates aren't super good influences.

 He's more "modern" than "old-fashioned"

He's kind of awkward.

He's 27...

Ok, so, I feel somewhat terrible for 

writing down all those things.

So, let me explain a little more.

I understand that people have checkered pasts!

I know!

I have my own!

It's the fact that his past isn't exactly totally IN the past yet.

He's still working through some things.

Remember my post about what I think is attractive in a guy?

Well, David only meets some of the things

that I wrote.

Some things he does the exact opposite.

For example: he and I were talking about

video games for some reason, and he asked if

I had ever played.

I said I had played some, but I didn't have any skill

playing FPS games. (First Person Shooter)

And the first thing he says is:

"That's so hot that you know what that means."

I don't know..

At his age, he's pretty set in his ways of how he

wants to treat a girl, and what he wants to call her, etc.

Me, I have my preferences. 

They're not the same.

And, another example is:

David isn't the most drop-dead gorgeous guy out there.

I usually don't date those kind of guys anyway 

because they annoy me.

But, I think it makes a big difference if you're in a crowd

of people, and as you're looking at people, you think

"Oh, wow, that boy is cute."

And then you look at your boyfriend and go:

"Eh... yep. That's my boyfriend..."

It makes a difference!!!

It's taken me 5 years to figure out what I want

in a relationship.

The things I've seen that I know I want the most are

respect, propriety, class, dignity, and confidence.

I only just figured that out over the past 2 years, 

watching my Mission Presidents interact

with their wives.

David doesn't fit that...

But, here's my question.

Are my expectations too high?? 

Am I asking too much??

Because, literally speaking, I was never attracted to

ANY of the Elders on my mission. Not even slightly.

I was attracted to how my Mission Presidents 

carried and behaved themselves.

So, basically, I'm attracted to old men.

That's wonderful.

Oh man... this is a serious problem.

I feel awful, because I feel like I'm somewhat

debating on whether or not I should break up with David.

Because I kind of am.

I mean, we've been dating for a week, and he already 

asked me to come to Utah with him over Thanksgiving

and meet his family.  

Forward, much?

I don't want a guy who's that forward...

That just loses dignity and class.

It shows a lack of self-control.

In my opinion anyway.

Alright, I think I'm going to be done with my rant...

I hope no one reads this...

Marriage proposal...Question Mark?

So, probably one of the weirdest things of my 

whole life happened today.

Ok, so, I have this friend, who used to be my

'boyfriend' in 8th grade, but come on.

8th grade is 8th grade...

Time has gone by, and we've still been friends,

but I've NEVER had an interest in him

to ever be more than that, because I think

he's a bit manipulative.

I'll show you why in a second.

Ever since I got back from my mission, 

he's been wanting to call me and talk to me about

'something', but he wouldn't tell me what, 

because I wouldn't call him.

I didn't want him to have my phone number,

and dag-gum, if he starts calling me all the time now,

I can block his number, so no biggie, right?

I hope not.

Tonight, he was on my case about it again,

so I finally said "What the heck? Fine."

So, I called him, and asked what he wanted to

talk to me about.

He started off by reminding me that he and his 

former wife are divorced, and I knew

what was coming next.

He asked if I had any interest in him as more than

friends. 

I said I 'wasn't sure', because "I'm trying to not be

'more than friends' with anyone right now"

That may or may not be true.

Ok it's not true.

But, I knew where he was going, 

and I was trying to be kind.

He went on to tell me that he's been given 3-5 

years to live by his doctor before he's 

supposed to die.

He has cancer.

So, he's down to just over a year before

he hits the 3 year mark.

To cut to the chase, basically 

he asked me to marry him.

He tried to encourage me that "if we spent more

time talking, texting, spending time together, etc.,

I'd probably see that there's something there."

Thanks for telling me how I'm going to feel.

Not happening.

Then, to add to it, he goes on to tell me

that ever since he was 12, all he's ever wanted to be

was a dad, and he's afraid that now he won't get

the chance, so he was wanting to get married before

his time is 'up', but he didn't think he's find anyone

soon enough, so he wanted to try for someone

he already knows, and likes, and so he wanted to ask

me if I would be up for it.

You don't just ask someone if they're 'up for marrying you'.

Marriage isn't just a split-second decision.

Let's think about this for a second:

If I were to marry him, he's made it clear that all he 

wants from me is a child so he can be a father before he dies.

And then, say I were to marry him, I'd probably have a 

Honeymoon baby, and then just a few months after that,

my husband would be dead, and I would be left

as a widow, with a very young child.

Would that sound like a good idea to anyone?

Let me know if I'm just being judgmental here.

But I'm pretty sure I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible for him,

terminal illnesses are not something I have a whole

lot of experience with, but I do know what it's like

to have someone close to me die. 

That in and of itself isn't fun.

It's got to be just awful for it to be yourself.

But, he wants to be a father so bad that he's 

willing to potentially ruin the life of a woman 

just so he can say he was a father before he dies?

I believe in dreams.

But I don't believe in dreams that ruin other people's lives.

And that's certainly not going to be my life.

So yeah, I had my first marriage proposal tonight...

It was really weird.

 

You're cute, even over the phone...

Cutest thing happened last night!

So, I will admit this openly,

adjusting to "normal" life has been really hard.

It's hard to see or find meaning in 

anything I do nowadays. 

Days go by, and I just feel like "really? 

it's only been that long?"

Because it feels like forever.

So, I've been having a bit of a struggle with it,

and last night I just couldn't handle it by myself,

so I asked Ricky if I could call him when he 

got home from where ever he was.

He said I definitely could,

so then it was just the waiting game.

It was interesting, I asked if I could call him,

but he called me.  

I thought that was a really cute gesture.

As we were talking, I was pretty much just

venting, telling him everything about how I was

feeling, and sometime during the conversation,

I got emotional and started to cry a little bit.

But, being me, of course, I was trying

to swallow it and hide it.

At one point, he asked me a question,

and I was trying to answer, but I had a huge

lump in my throat, so I paused for a minute.

He asked if I was ok, to which I responded

that I was fine, and then he asked if I was crying,

to which I just said "maybe..."

and he said "I can hear it."

Me, being myself, I said "I'm trying not to."

and he responded by saying "I can tell, 

I know you don't like to, but it's ok. You can

let it out."

If we were in person, and he touched me

when he said that, I probably would have totally

melted and everything would have come out.

But, it was just over the phone,

so I held myself together.

 It was so sweet though, after I'd explained

everything about how I was feeling and why,

he had me read a couple scriptures that pretty much

said exactly what I needed to hear.

And we told each other that we would remind

each other to both read and pray, so neither of us

will forget.

It's funny, sometimes he talks really fast 

on the phone and I have to ask him to repeat what 

he just said.

It was really interesting though, at the end of our

conversation, we were talking about

personality types.  I had taken the "16 Personalities"

test and figured out that I'm an "ISFJ".

But anyway, we were talking about that, and 

Ricky told me that his result was an ESFJ,

so very similar to mine, but he's more of an extrovert

than I am.

So, after we got off the phone, I was a total creep 

and looked up the personality profile for ESFJ.

And, I liked everything I read!

Conundrum...

Ok, I'm going to complain about something,

and hardly anyone reads this so I'm going

to be COMPLETELY HONEST about it!

So, I have a problem.

Guys like me.

Now, before you punch your computer screen

pretending it's my face,

let me explain why this is a problem.

I'm REALLY PICKY about who I will

and won't date.

BUT, I also try to be sensitive to others' feelings,

including the feelings of guys that I'm 

not interested in romantically.

I know it takes a LOT of guts for a guy to ask a girl

for her number, or on a date, etc. etc.

I KNOW! 

So, then, I'm left with this problem that I can't

seem to be "just friends" with a guy.

It seems impossible for me to even "friends zone" them!

I've tried!

What happens?

They come back again later asking the same questions

I said "No" to before! 

Ugh!

Now, when I say I'm picky about who I will 

and won't date, let me explain that as well.

I'm old-fashioned.

I was at a meeting today, where people came up

and introduced themselves to me, and each time

someone would come up to introduce themselves to me,

I would stand up.

Common courtesy, polite, etiquette, maybe? 

I actually had a guy tell me that I shouldn't do that.

Excuse me? 

Guys aren't the only ones who should be polite.

That's what I mean by old-fashioned.

I believe old habits are still relevant, 

and should be used.

Nothing makes my heart flutter more than

when I guy calls me "Ma'am."

I hate the terms "Babe", "Sexy", "Hot,"

etc. Derogatory terms. Yuck.

Not attractive at all.

So, when I walk into a church full of guys

all dressed like punks with their bright-colored

suspenders and bowties and VANZ
whatever the heck else they come up with,

I don't take interest in any of them!

But, say a guy walks in with a nice suit on with a 

WHITE SHIRT, a modest tie, meaning

not too wide or too skinny, and not too wild or crazy,

and is clean-shaven, has a good haircut, 

and is wearing a belt that matches his shoes, 

and his socks match his pants,

WOW!

There's an attractive young man!

So, now, girls, I know you still probably want to
punch me in the face, because I've gotten
that response before when I try to vent about this
because it really actually bothers me that I can't
walk into a room, even a church-event,
where there are single guys
and not have at least one of them ask me for
my number.
It's annoying!!!
It's not a confidence-booster, because the ones
who ask are all the WRONG guy!
And don't tell me I'm being judgemental because
I base my first impression partly on how they dress,
because you can tell a lot about a person
by the way they dress and how they present
themselves.
So, here's the root of my problem:
I feel like I hardly have any girl-friends because
for some reason girls seem to hate me,
and I hardly have any guy-friends because
for some reason I can't just be "friends" with a guy,
because they always want it to be more.
So, there's my vent.
I feel like I have no friends.
The end. 

Smorgesboard... I'm not sure how to spell that

Well, this past week has been weird.

On a good note I got to talk to Ricky the other day

via Google Hangout.

Thank the Lord Almighty for whoever invented that.

But anyway, as I was saying,

this past week has been really strange.

Probably because it's really starting to set in 

how different home-life is going to be from the 

mission field.

And it's not necessarily a "different" that I like.

Regular life just seems to meaningless 

now that I've served my mission,

which makes me feel horrible because 

I do enjoy being home with my family, but

I feel as if everything I do here is almost pointless

and doesn't really make a difference to anything

or anyone.

It's an awful feeling, and I don't like it.

It doesn't help that my personal habits of 

reading my scriptures and praying have been 

rather "shot" because things have gotten so crazy,

and for some reason I feel like if I try to set some

time aside to actually pick up and study,

it'll be kind of blind because I don't have an objective.

I don't have specific people that I'm studying for.

Which then makes me feel apathetic, because

of course I can be making contributions to

my family's spiritual welfare, but for some reason

I don't feel inclined to do that because I feel

like that's my parents' job.

I don't know.

I miss my mission...

I miss it a lot.

I miss the direction, the structure, 

everything having significant meaning,

etc. etc.

I want to go back, but I know that's not 

possible.

It doesn't help that my older brother is still on his mission

and so now I almost feel envious of him because

he's doing all the wonderful, meaningful stuff.

But, I was honest and told him that I

feel like I'm having "post-mission depression", 

so maybe he'll have some suggestions on what I can do

to try to find meaning for my life.

I feel weird asking Ricky about it, but I know

that that's in part because I'm afraid to get too attached

to him, even though I feel like he's a guy I would want

to marry...figure that one out.

But maybe I will ask him about it, because

I need some help, before this gets bad.

Holy Awkward... Story of My Life

Ok, so, this is really annoying. 

Everything's been going pretty ok with Ricky

except that the other night, Ricky and I were Skyping,

which was great by the way,

and NICK called me!!! 

Why the heck did he call me???

I didn't answer the phone right away, but I decided 

I would call him back when I was done Skyping.

He would only be calling if it was something important,

right?

So, anyway, I finish talking with Ricky, and I decide that
out of the goodness of my heart, I will call Nick back.
I call, and he sounded awful.
He sounded really depressed.
I think he might have been crying, honestly...
So, we were talking, and he said he just wanted to talk..?
So, we were talking, and Ryan texted me and said
he wanted to try out Google Hangout because
Skype is retarded.
Is that surprising?
Of course not.
So, I gave him my email address, and then he asked
me to get onto my email, so I did.
Keep in mind, I was still on the phone with Nick...
When I got onto my email, Ricky was already on,
and he video called me right then!
I didn't even think about the fact that I was now
talking to two guys at the same time, and neither
of them knew who the other was...
or at least I didn't think about it until it was too late.
When I realized what happened, I quickly
tried to end one of the conversations, and
it ended up being the one with Ricky.
But, by then, they had both heard each other's voices
and had said "Who's that?"
I gave a short introduction for both of them,
but then Ricky had to go, so the video call ended,
and then I was left talking to Nick.
I explained exactly who Ricky was, and that
I'm very interested in him.
Nick tried giving me some dating tips and such,
and I said that nothing had even been said about
the way we feel about each other, to which
he responded that that was the smart thing to do,
since long-distance relationships never work,
and I just said "I know." in a very "DUH" way,
because hey, that's what happened with me and Nick.
So, it took about 3 days for me to be able to
talk to Ricky again after that night, but luckily,
I did just talk to him last night, and I got to
explain who Nick was,
and Ricky seemed more contented with
knowing that I wasn't two-timing.
That is so not me!
I mean, sure, I'm a free spirit,
but that's just rude.
But yeah, that's my awkward story...
Ta-da! 

I'm just a little too over you, because I have someone else

Wow, so, I have a lot to fill in on for the past little while.  

So, I think I mentioned how Nick has a girlfriend now,

which turns out he asked her to marry him.

No big deal.

So, anyway, I don't think I ever mentioned Ricky.

That cover name doesn't do his real name justice at all,

but I can live with it, because I get to use his real name

in real life.

So whatever.

Anyway, Ricky is probably one of the best guys I have

ever met in my whole life.

Ever since High School, I've always really admired and 

looked up to him, and thought of him as just a gem that any girl

would be so lucky to be able to call him hers, but I never saw

myself as being able to call him mine, because I thought he 

was way out of my league, because I wasn't

the perfect little Mormon girl who got her 

Young Womanhood Recognition when she was 14 or 

whatever, but I just always thought he was really awesome.

Anyway, so when I came home from my mission, 

he asked me to hang out, so of course I said yes!

We ended up watching Star Trek 2 together at his house, 

which was a lot of fun, and turns out he's a really big nerd too!

That kind of totally made my life.

Anyway, after Friday, he said he would be coming to my

Homecoming the next day, and then he asked me again

when I was leaving for Tennessee. 

Did I mention that? My family is moving to Tennessee.

Tomorrow, actually. 

Anyway, he asked me when I was leaving, and I said "Monday"

and he looked genuinely disappointed that I was leaving.

When he dropped me off, he gave me a huge hug

which I could have just melted over, and then of course, I saw him 

on Saturday, which was also great, although we didn't

get as much time to talk, although we agreed that he was 

going to come with me to church the next day, so I would 

see him 3 days in a row!  I seriously felt so lucky!

So, he came to church with me today, and afterward, he came over

to try to help me with something with my email, but we 

couldn't figure it out, which was annoying.

But, after that, he went home, and then I remembered

that I had forgotten to get a picture with him!

So, after we got back from my Grandma's house 

(where we had gone for dinner)

he came back over and we talked some more, 

and it was really weird, while he was here,

Nick called me...

It was seriously the weirdest thing. I answered the phone,

and there were a lot of awkward pauses, 

so I said "I'll call you back." 

So then I could finish talking with Ricky.

When it was time for him to leave, he hugged me once, 

and it was really long, and then we kept talking,

so then he hugged me again, and that one was really long too,

and then after that we kept talking, so then when he actually left,

I got another hug, so I got 3 hugs from him tonight!

And we're making plans already for the things 

we're going to do when I get back.

Am I a little wonderstruck?

Yes.

After I came inside from walking Ricky out to his car,

I decided I better call Nick back, because I would 

feel bad if I didn't keep my word.

So, I called him, and he said he just called me because

he felt like he should...? Whatever that means.

But anyway, we started talking, and I asked him how

he was doing with his girlfriend being gone on her mission,

and he was telling me about it and then he said

"This is really weird to be talking to you about this."

Which, I agreed, it was a little strange, but

I figure I can at least be his friend still.

I mean, it was really strange, we were talking about 

him and some other girl,

but for some reason, I felt completely and totally calm,

totally at peace with the way the situation had turned out.

I think I can say I'm legitimately completely over Nick.

Like, I didn't even have a pang of heartache while I was

talking to him about his girlfriend.

I feel like that's a major achievement on my part!

It was really weird, as much as he says he is, 

I don't think he's totally over me yet.

It's sad, and I almost told him that I have someone else,

but I figured that might be a little much, considering

he just "lost" his girlfriend to the MTC.

So, I figure I'll be his friend and maybe 

help him actually wait for her, and hopefully things

will work out between them.

Like, I legitimately hope that things for them work out.

I really do.

It's just nice to be able to have moved on, not just because

I have this amazing guy that I really like, but just

because I got over him by myself before I even came home.

First RM date... awkward!!!

So, just a little disclaimer,

my definition of a date is when two people of opposite genders

are together doing some kind of activity, doesn't matter

what it is, if they're doing it together, it's a date.

If they're not already married, that is.

Anyway.

So, Tuesday, Peter came over! 

I don't know if I had said this, but he and I had kind of "ended" 

our friendship back in 2012 because he started dating

some awful girl who really did him wrong.

But, that's beside the point.  

While I was on my mission, he wrote me, and said

he wants to be friends again! Yay!

When, I got home, he asked me if we could hang out, 

so he came over yesterday while I was packing.

Oh yeah, my family is moving across the country, btw.

After I was done packing up all my stuff, he wanted

to take me out somewhere, even though I was the one with the car.

So, we went to Cafe' Rio.  

I felt so bad, I kept doing all sorts of missionary things...

For example:

1. I almost opened the door for myself and for him.
2. I was using my "mission manners" while we were there.
3. I kept checking my watch.
4. I started to get a little antsy when we had been there
for over an hour...

Yeah, it was a little embarrassing.

Luckily, he's a good friend and didn't give me 

too much of a hard time about it.

The weirdest thing though, was how when we first

got there, I literally started freaking out inside

that I was by myself with a guy... 

I didn't say anything about it, 

but I was kind of having a mini-panic attack inside.

But, I'm glad I had this one to kind of "practice" with,

because I'm going on a "date" with someone I actually

really like on Friday, and I really hope that one

doesn't turn out super awkward... 

Missing the Mission

Well, I guess to start off, I'm back!

I'll write more about my mission experiences as I go along.

I just have to do some fill-in on the craziness

that's happened in the past 9 months.

So, y'all remember "Nick"? 

I wrote him for his whole mission, and he wrote me

for the first half of mine,

then for some reason, after he got home, he just

kinda disappeared, and I didn't know

what happened to him.  

All I knew was that I was really worried

about what was going on.

It became really distracting from my work, and I would

try to get in contact with him all the time, 

but to no avail.  He hardly ever responded.

At one point, I even asked my Mission President for advice 

on what to do, because I was having a really hard time with it.

And don't judge and say "You were just so focused on him,

you should have just focused on your mission."

Here's the thing: if I knew what was going on,

whether it was good or bad, I would have been fine.

The fact that I didn't know was the thing that killed me.

He advised me to send "Nick" an email,

so I did, asking him where we were, whether we were still on

or whether it was off. 

He responded by sending me a letter saying

"Sister Hansen, you really need to stop thinking about me

and focus on your mission."

Of course, after that, I was really upset, and so the next week

I told him - tactfully - to stop writing me.

I didn't hear from him for about 4 months after that, 

when he wrote me a really random letter, and I almost thought

that things between me and him might improve,

but after that I didn't hear from him anymore,

that is, until I got home last week.

I called him, just to see what he was up to,

and I heard from my parents that he had posted a picture 

of him and some other girl on Facebook.

Was I surprised?

Not really.

But kind of a little.

He and I had a good conversation, but he was being 

pretty shady, which was weird.  He said

he'd call me in a few days, so I said fine,

and I waited a few days, and finally I texted him and 

he ended up calling me.  He asked me how my Sunday was

and I told him, then I asked the same question,

and he said it was good.

He'd had to work, then he drove up the canyon,

and I made a guess and asked him if he'd gone with 

his girlfriend, and he said yes.

Then he went into this big whole thing apologizing for

not telling me and trying to give me "reasons" for 

why he had never told me about her.

I kept my cool the whole time we were on the phone,

even though it kind of felt like a knife-twist again.

He told me he was sorry for hurting me like that,

and I told him that I had gotten over him back in 

February, which is true,

but it really hurt to hear him actually say

"I don't love you anymore."

That one kind of stung...

But, I'm so grateful that this happened after my 

coming home from my mission, because

there are so many things I learned there, that I know

I wouldn't have learned anywhere else.

One of those things is that as long as I keep praying and

relying on my Savior, I can overcome anything, 

including heartbreak.

I sincerely wish for everything to go well for "Nick" and 

his girlfriend, because if it's meant for them to be together,

then it's meant to be. 

I can live with that.