Music

It's taken a while for me to decide what my favorite love song is as of late. Most of them, I can't stand listening to because they remind me of Ty.  

One that has been sort of rejuvenating is Rainbow by Colbie Caillat, because it talks about how she doesn't know when she's gonna find the one who's perfect for her, but it doesn't mean she won't stop looking.  It's almost like Michael Buble's "Just Haven't Met You Yet", but from a woman's perspective :) 

I like it.

But, the love song that I can't listen to without getting a little teary is Michael's "Hold On"

For any of you who haven't heard that song before, it's a MUST HAVE on your playlists.

The main message is that when life gets tough, and things just aren't working out the way you want them to,

"You have someone here that you can wrap your arms around..."

Oh my gosh, I love this song so much.

It's made it to the list of possibilities for my first dance with my husband at my reception.

And just for the record, I don't actually think about my future wedding very much.

But, I think it would be sooo sweet to do the dance-thingy the traditional way, where the bride dances with her father FIRST, and then her husband taps him on the shoulder and he kind of hands her over to him.  You know, the whole "he's giving her to him" thing.

Oh my gosh, I'm gonna cry!

I'm so sappy!!!

I have decided another thing though... When I dance with my dad, we're gonna dance to "Butterfly Kisses."  I don't know who it's by, but I'm going to find out, because it's perfect.  Another possibility was "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift, but that one kind of got nixed because I didn't grow up on a farm, and I didn't have that many outings with my dad when I was younger.  We didn't have all that great of a relationship...

I do love the line that says "Now I know why all the trees change in the fall, I know you were on my side even when I was wrong, and I love you for giving me your eyes, and staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you know, but I'm taking this chance to say that I had the Best Day with you today."

It's the last line of the song and I actually used to cry when I heard it.

I cry over everything...

Holy crap.

Nothing makes love like music :)

I can't think of a title...

So, I figured as my last post, I mentioned how I was gonna go hang out with Peter, and I was kinda nervous about it, I should tell you how it went.

It went very well.

In fact, we've been hanging out every day this week because he's just sooo fun to be around! It's so easy to talk to him, and be myself, because, I've admitted it many times:

I am a nerd.

So is he.

Yesterday, we watched Star Wars III and VI.

Probably like, the best movie night ever, because Star Wars rocks :) 

Plus, I've kind of decided to start collecting superhero t-shirts, and he told me later that I shouldn't have told him that, because he's started adding to my collection already.

So, I have Superman, Batman, Captain America, and now the Green Lantern.

I'm pretty excited! 

We'll see how many I have when I'm done.

Haha I think it could be a pretty awesome hobby.

So, yeah, he's been a super awesome friend, and he's a good cuddle-buddy too...

I don't think anything romantic will happen between us, but that's ok.

I am kind of sad for him though.. 

He had the biggest crush on this girl up here, she was his first kiss, and he used to talk about her all the time, but now she's dating someone else because I guess he freaked her out because he's a really big flirt.. 

But he told me that he's ok with it, because "she wanted more than he was willing to give (physically)" 

It does make me a little nervous though, because a couple days ago, when I was with him, he was filling out one of those "100 things about me!" survey thingys, and the question was "do you have a crush on someone?" and I couldn't quite hear what he said, but from where I was, it sounded like "Yes," but I'm not sure...

Even moreso, I don't know who he would be talking about unless it was me...

Nervousy?

Yes.

Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody!!!

I don't know about you guys, but my Christmas was awesome :)

But. 

There is something of dire importance I must share.

So, last time, I posted about Peter and Rayray (bleh) and anywho, me and Peter have been talking quite a bit since he moved down to college, I think I already said that, but he came back home for the holidays, and he asked me if we could hang out while he's up here, so I told him yeah, we can go to lunch sometime.

We're going tomorrow.

But yeah, so, a while back, he told me that the way to tell if he's starting to hit on a girl is if he calls them "cute" all the time, or "cutie", etc etc.

He told me I wouldn't ever need to worry about it because we weren't like that.

UNTIIIIIILLLLL

This past week, he's been calling me "cute" all. the time.

So yeah, I don't really know what to think of it.  I mean, he even asked me if I would consider moving down to his college with him so he can "protect me" and whatnot, to which I answered:

"I don't think I need that much protection." 

and he kind of backed off.

But yeah...I don't really know what to do about it, because it's really starting to bug me.  He's got this other girl.  He needs to just go after her and stop coming after me! 

If that's even what he's doing, which it really seems that he is...

We'll find out.

P.S. What'ch'yall think of the new background/layout? Let me know what you think!

Girls = Sometimes REALLY Stupid

Ok, so.. If you've all read my "about the author" section, you know that I started this blog to talk about my love life until I finally find Mr. Right and marry him.  I got that idea from a friend back in highschool.  She said she probably wouldn't use it so I should just use it, but, yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine who dated said friend who gave me the idea for this blog.  Her name (said friend) is Rayray.  Not really, duh, but you know.

His name is...Peter...

So anyway, Rayray treated Peter absolutely horribly.  And this is my former best friend we're talking about.  I mean, he treated her like a princess, like, he was the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she completely walked all. over. him. 

Exhibit A: Her first boyfriend from highschool had moved, so things didn't work out between them, but then I guess he moved back here, and first thing she did was break up with Peter and go and "do it." with her ex. 

Let's just say I was pre-tty pissed and told her off for it.  Their "relationship" lasted about a week, then she realized he wasn't what she wanted, so she broke up with him and went back to Peter.  

He took her back because he was deeply in love with her...But anyway, so she just kept treating him horribly, and he didn't trust her anymore (obviously) and eventually she couldn't stand it and they broke up.

Now, they're going to college at the same college and she's been constantly asking him if they can hang out and whatnot, and she persuaded him at the beginning of the semester to "do it" with her again, which he feels awful about.  

(Speaking of which, she stole his virginity, by the way)

So anyway, he's finally done putting up with her crap and has been steadily erasing her out of his life, which i'm very proud of him for doing, because he does not need that in his life.

It's almost horrible to admit that this girl used to be my BEST FRIEND!!! And now, if you'll pardon me, she's turned into a total whore!!!!

Makes me wanna screeeeeaaaam!

Either I was stupid to even call her my best friend, or she's just stupid. Period.

So anyway, the point I was getting at is, yeah, I got the idea of my blog from her, and la-di-da it was all just fine and dandy till I was talking to Peter yesterday and he was telling me that Rayray has this blog now and she mentioned something about him on it, so I was like "ooooh..." -.- "she better not have copied my idea."

So I told him to send me a link to her blog, and today I went to check it out.

Guess what the title is?

"Take a Number Boys".

Although, correctly, it would be "Take a Number, Boys"

Emphasis on GRAMMAR!!!

Sure yeah, I get lazy and start using horrible grammar/spelling, but when I want to I can sound really intelligent. 

So yeah, Take a Number Boys is her blog for finding her "Prince Charming", but it doesn't sound like she's going to find one anytime soon.  

Let's compare.

Me: The last love interest I had was Nick. He's #2 for me.

Rayray: She is on #11...

Me: I've slept with 0 guys, and I intend to keep it that way until I'm married

Rayray: She's slept with... I've lost count.  It's probably up to about 8 or 9, but most likely more.

If you ask me, I'd say she's thinking it of more as "Take a Number and I'll sleep with you when it's your turn," because that's kind of the person she's become.  She sleeps around.  A lot.

Am I sorry for her?

Yes.

Do I think she's a complete idiot?

Absolutely.

Do I think she'll ever settle down and find a 'Prince Charming'?

no...

So, in a sense, I'm just kinda mad because she's copying the idea that she gave to me which I've been faithfully keeping up to date and showing how much I've changed and matured over the years, and how I'm preparing myself to finally meet my Prince Charming by NOT selling myself out to every guy who pretends to have interest in me, and she's just griping and complaining about how nobody's perfect for her, which, by the way, means someone who will let her do whatever the heck she wants and get away with it.  Someone who doesn't expect commitment from her, faithfulness, integrity, kindness, or anything virtuous by any means.
So yeah... point taken?

Girls can be really stupid.

Commitment

Ok, so, for the past few weeks, I don't know if I've posted anything about it before, but Nathan (if you remember him from before) has been asking me constantly, and i mean CONSTANTLY if I'd be ok with him kissing me.

Uuuuuuhhhmmm...

No?

NO!!!

The first time he mentioned it, I wanted to scream at him!  

But.

The hard thing is... lately, I've had this weird feeling.. the feeling of wanting to be kissed by someone, almost to the point of not caring who the heck it is.  Just, you know, somebody! But, I've managed to keep myself sane and logical enough to realize that's a really stupid idea.  It's still been really hard, and in fact, it keeps getting harder.  But, I'm not gonna be one of those lip sluts that goes around kissing everybody.  

Because, unlike some people, I believe a kiss is something that is special.  It's a commitment of love to the person you choose to give it to.  Not quite so sacred as those divine powers given to us to be able to create life, but it's the precursor.  It helps you find the one that you can share the rest of your life with.  But that doesn't mean you have to try it out on everything that walks on two legs. (And is of the opposite gender, please.)

That's one thing I've seen more and more in this world.  A lack of commitment. Everyone just watches out for themselves, and if something isn't their definition of "good for me", they leave it behind in the dust.

Wake up call!

There are gonna be lots of things in life that won't necessarily be your definition of "good for me." But that's the whole point of the whole concept of "endure to the end."  It means stick it out through the hard times, because you'll get kicked and beaten down sometimes, but stand back up and face it.  

This world has too many cowards as it is. 

Don't be one of them.

Heart to Heart with an Ex...?

So, a couple days ago, Ty asked me if I would come talk to him sometime, so I said that I would talk to him today.  Better to have it over with sooner, right?  

So I met him at a park we always used to go to as a couple and we took a really long walk around the whole place. All the while, he was trying to get me to talk about why I've been feeling the way I have, but it wasn't really getting anywhere, partially because it was frigid, and I just didn't know what to tell him.

So then he asked if I wanted to sit in his car and talk there, which made me kinda nervous, but I said "ok".  We drove over to this pond he goes to (quite often apparently) and we kept talking. 

He asked what parts of his "new personality" I didn't like, and I said that he's been acting kinda like a player, because there was this new girl that he'd always talk about, but when he first met her, he said that he'd decided to "put himself back out there" and look for another girlfriend, but he said it "wasn't hard to find somebody", and something I'd said to him about that before was "You treat finding a girlfriend like shopping for a new pair of shoes."

There were several other points I had complaints about. The biggest one being that I felt he really didn't give a crap about how I felt.  

He asked me to expound on that point and I talked about how he basically just dropped me like a rock, and he said he hadn't intended on doing that, but he got really mad and acted on it, and that's what happened. 

So then he asked me how he could help me feel better, and I said "I don't know, because part of me doesn't want to feel better." and he actually looked legitimately concerned and asked why in the world I wouldn't want to feel happy, and I said that wasn't what I meant.  I want to feel happy, but there were some things my subconscious was wanting that I wouldn't let it have because I'm afraid of getting hurt again.  I wouldn't tell him exactly what I meant, but he assumed I meant having another relationship. That wasn't it though, and as I thought about it, I got a little teary-eyed..

He knew I still had some pent up feelings of anger, and he said he wanted me to just let it all out.

"If I were to let out all my pent up feelings, I'd probably punch you."  I'd responded.

"Go ahead."  He challenged, and I declined, because I can't find it in myself to punch people..  but he asked me if I still felt hatred for him.  I said no.  Then he asked me if I felt malice, or a whole bunch of other 'M' words which expressed hatred or anger.  I said I didn't feel any of them, but the word I was thinking did start with 'M', so then he wouldn't leave the subject alone, because he couldn't come up with any other 'M' words.

I couldn't make myself say it, and he asked why, and I said "Because I'd have to admit it to myself too." More tears started welling up in my eyes, and still, he waited to hear what it was.

"I miss you..." I said quietly.

He didn't respond for several seconds, but afterward, he replied just as quietly: "I understand." Then he kept talking about how that was why he was trying to fix things. All the while, I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face.

I'd only made eye contact with him maybe twice through this whole conversation, but suddenly I felt his hand on my shoulder and couldn't control the way my body reacted. I jumped and cringed away, leaning into the door, the once small tears turning into sobs, and he said "It's ok.." and moved his hand to just below my neck on my back. Eventually, I kind of melted away from the door and leaned down, but not completely in half.  He kept his hand on my back, but nothing more than that, until I had completely regained my composure, then he took his hand away.  

He drove me back to where we had parked, and he asked me where I thought we were in terms of "friends", and if he'd helped me feel any better, and I said I did feel a bit better, and in terms of being friends, I felt like we're "getting there."  

He opened my door for me when I got out of his car, and before he got back in his own car, I asked him if I could have a hug, which he willingly gave me, then we both got in our cars and went our separate ways.

Worst Night EVER!

I've had the flu plenty of times in my life. 

Enough to think I'd had my fair share of illness and aches and not being able to eat anything for fear of throwing up.

None of them compare to last night though.

It started around 10:30, I wasn't feeling all that great after dinner, so my family all told me to go to bed, and I'd wake up feeling better, but I couldn't go to sleep.  My stomach felt like it was churning and bubbling and just plain didn't feel good. I was talking to Nathan at the time, and then, at midnight, I knew it was coming. I rushed to the bathroom and puked. 

:P

When I got back in bed, I managed to get about half an hour of sleep, then suddenly, I felt it coming, so I ran to the bathroom and puked again!

Got back in bed, tried to sleep for another half hour, then it happened AGAIN!

And AGAIN!!!

After the fourth time, I finally decided that I was NOT gonna go through the whole night like this, so I went to my parents room and woke my mom up. Both she and my dad got up and we all went out to the living room.  My skin was cold and clammy and WHITE!

My dad said I literally looked like a ghost.

My mom made me some tea and asked me if I'd try to drink some, so I did, and went and threw up again.

-.-

Then I came back out and tried to drink some water. That sat for maybe fifteen minutes, then I threw up again.  By now, my dad had called someone from our health insurance and asked them about what the heck was going on with my body, and if we should call a doctor.  After telling them everything that was going on with me, they said it would be wise to call a doctor, so they did, and I went and puked again.  

After he got off the phone with the nurse at the doctor's office, we sat for a long time.  The nurse had said for me to drink some Gatorade, or something like unto it, so my mom gave me this stuff called "pedialite" or something.  

It was gross.

And it made me puke again. 

:P 

So then my dad gave me a blessing that I would get better and stop throwing up, then he went to get me some Gatorade and some Coke, and I managed to fall asleep for a couple hours, then when my siblings were getting up and ready for school, I threw up again. 

But, that was the last time.

:D

I slept a loooot throughout the rest of the day, but didn't end up watching a movie until later that night when my dad needed to paint upstairs and I didn't want the fumes to make me sick, so I went downstairs where the TV was.  I managed to eat a little tiny bit before I went to bed, and it stayed down, and I've been getting steadily better.

In the middle of the day, Nathan came to "visit the sick and afflicted", meaning me.  He stayed at my house and we talked for a good hour and a half, then he had to go home and finish stringing lights on his house, but he kept texting me throughout the rest of the day until he had to go to work.

It really sucked though, the whole day I was so sick, the only person I reeeaaalllly wanted to see was Nick.  I could see him in my mind though, coming up the stairs and his brow wrinkling up when he saw me. He was wearing a brown jacket with fur on the inside and a red shirt, dark wash jeans, and of course, his cowboy boots. I'm still waiting on a letter from him. We'll see how much longer it takes...

Hopefully not too long.

Dang it...

So, Nick's mom answered my message on FB.  

More awkwardness, because she said "Hi - I miss hearing about you!"

-.^

That one kinda made me wonder just what Nick said about me when he was at home...

I still have yet to hear back from him, but i'm told the first couple months out in the field are really hard to get adjusted to everything, so...maybe I'll wait another few weeks before I send another letter...

My fingers are craving to get my hands on an envelope with his name in the upper-left corner though..

GAH!

Uuuugh, well, she (Nick's mom) gave me the web address to his mission blog, so i've been reading that.

Gosh...He's soooo attractive in a suit and tie! It drives me insane!

Close behind that though is his cowboy boots, some rugged jeans, and a plaid shirt.

I'm gonna drool.

Just kidding. I'm NOT gonna do that, but he's definitely pretty attractive.

It did make me miss him terribly to see all the pictures of him on the blog.  So much that it's making it reeeaaallly hard to wait till he writes back to me again. I gotta be patient though.  This is gonna be a toughie.  We'll see if I pull through it...

O.O

I'm a champion at "Awkward..."

Ok, so, seeing as it has been almost a MONTH since Nick has responded to my letter, I'm assuming it either never made it there, or he gave me the wrong mailing address or something...

So...

I had to ask his mom for it......

That ONE thing that I REEEAAALLLLLY didn't want to do.

I ended up just messaging her on FB, because, I'll admit it, I'm a complete wuss and can't make myself talk to her on the phone, because, for one, I think she'd be curious as to how the heck I got their home phone number, and just, yeah..

The message itself was really awkward. 

"Hi, i don't know if you remember me.. I'm Nick's friend from work..."
I think that pretty much sums it up right there.

Awwwwkward.....

I am so lonely...

Alright, so, the last couple days have been either traumatic, depressing, or rather sweet and bonding.

I'll elucidate, if that's even how you spell it.

Ok, so Monday, I saw my bestie that I've been friends with for forever and a half, and we went to see her li'l sister's play at their highschool, which was not the same as MY highschool, so she was the only person I knew there.  After the show was over, she went running about saying hi to all her old highschool buddies, basically leaving me behind to sit and wait till she decided to pay attention to me again.

It got me thinking though, about something I didn't really want to think about very much.

What if she didn't view our friendship as importantly as I do?

I didn't really think anything of it, and chose to put it out of my mind until I got home, but once I was home, I became unmotivated to even get off the couch, and I felt really heavy inside.  

The more I longed for her attention, the more I realized that not only that, but I longed to be loved and cared about much as in terms of romance.

I wanted somebody to hold me.  To tell me I mattered to them more than anything else.

This feeling festered in my gut so much that I felt sick, and even while my brother sat at the computer and my dad walked to and fro, I sat curled into the corner of the sofa, shedding a few tears.

I was talking to a friend of mine at the time, and he said "Why don't you go pray about it?"

He's not exactly the "praying" type, but I tell him that every time he's confused or upset about something. I don't know if he listens, but it's worth a shot.

So, I practiced what I preach and went to my room and knelt at my bedside, although, I didn't have the strength to hold myself up and I crumpled against the side of my bed, tears pouring down my face as I mentally cried out every agony I was feeling.  After only a moment, I had this thought cross through my head.

It's a little awkward, but who cares.

I had a feeling like I should go take a shower.  So, I listened, and brought my towels into the bathroom.

Once I'd turned the shower on, and the hot water was spraying all over me, my composure crumpled again, and I leaned against the wall, my drenched hair dripping water.  

Strategically, I aimed the showerhead right at the bottom of the bathtub, and sat with my knees curled to my chest under the downpour. I sat there for over half an hour.

One thing I've discovered that I rather dislike, is that when I happen to have a sob-fit this bad, I end up whimpering like a dog.  I'm a rather silent crier most of the time, but I actually listened to myself as I sat on the floor, and no joke, tiny little whimpers were coming out of my throat.

Anyway, that was Monday.  

Yesterday, I had to work for a really long time, and when I got home, my other friend, who has been previously mentioned, Nathan, asked if he could come see me, and I said "no, I'll come see you in a little bit" because I had to re-condition my hair, as it was filled with chlorine.  Once I'd straightened my hair, I told my parents I was leaving, although, honestly, I didn't exactly tell them where I was going...

They don't really like him that much...

So, anyway, I got to his house, and we talked for a while, and he showed me this amazing song he wrote on the piano, then we went downstairs and watched this movie called "Cutback". I won't bother going into detail about the plot, but partway through the movie, the main character's best friend is killed in a car accident, and the next little bit of the movie is showing how alone the main character is.

That made me fidget in my seat because that was exactly how I was feeling.  

After the movie was over, my friend turned to me and asked what was wrong, because I was being really quiet, and I lied and said I was fine.  That didn't work.  He persisted and persisted until I was sitting about a foot away from him, which was quite a difference, and my breathing was beginning to become shallow.

I wouldn't answer most of his questions, but little by little, he tore down the barricade that's been guarding my heart for the past 3 months.

One of the biggest things I'd been scared of was letting another guy touch me, or put his arms around me, even though I so desperately wanted somebody to hold me.  It hadn't mattered, because I wasn't going to give up and let down my defenses.  

But.

After one of his questions, it had aggravated my emotions to the point where I was gasping for air to keep from crying, and he put his arm around my shoulders.

It felt as though I'd just been struck by lightning, because it had been so long since anyone had touched me like that. Like, all of my nerves were physically shocked at his touch.

He tried to talk to me, but I sat stiff, unmoving, and unyielding to his provocations to let him into my heart.

But.

Again, he's talented with words.  He knew exactly what to say that would make me break, and he said it.  He tried to pull me closer to him, but I flinched away.  I talked to him a little bit about everything I'd been feeling the day before, and suddenly had an urge to have his arms around me.  Because he was a person, he was a guy (obviously), and he was my friend.

"Can I ask you something?"  I asked in a whisper through my tears.

"Anything. Go for it."  He said quietly, and we sat in silence as I tried to get up the guts to ask him if he would hold me.  It was probably close to five minutes that we sat there before I finally asked.

"Will you hold me...?"

Wordlessly, his arms enclosed around me and I melted into him.  I wasn't crying tears anymore, but I was still hyperventilating, but he held me tight against him.  

His heartbeat was right against my ear, and I could hear it literally pounding, but, clenching one of my fists, my own heartbeat was faster..

Not because of any romantic feelings between us, no way. But, I think we were both nervous because we didn't exactly trust each other. 

He held me for a loooong time, and when it was time for me to go, he walked me out to my car, giving me a long hug before letting me go, but then, for some reason, he asked me if I'd let him do something, and he kissed my forehead.

I asked him why he did that, and he said he'd wanted to all night.  

Let's hope the "no romance" thing remains a mutual agreement.

As Promised

So, I said on Facebook that I was going to post about what happened that made me kind of freak out about falling in love. Because, I'll openly admit, I'm afraid of falling in love again.
The reason why?
In my second letter from Nick, I hadn't really expected it, but close to the bottom of the first page, he said the "L" word, and not in just a 'friend' type way, but like, in a ROMANTIC way.
How it was worded was "I L you and I miss you so much! I should've told you before I left.. I was going to, but then I didn't..."
Pretty much left me in utter shock.
I had no idea how to respond to that! I still don't!
Yeah, I know, I feel the same way, but I don't want to tell him! At least not until he gets home... and maybe not even then, because, as I was thinking about it, I'd rather have him be my best friend for my whole life, than a love interest that doesn't work out and I never speak to again.
Because that would SUCK!!!
So, yeah, I spent Sunday trying to figure out how to write my letter and tell him to stop thinking about me and focus on his mission, and through most of it I was choking back tears.. stupid.
It's like before he left, I hate having to be the one to set the boundaries!

Maaaaybe it's just the whole him being in the MTC, he hasn't really started his mission yet, and once he gets to Washington D.C., he'll figure it out.
I hope he does.
Because in my final draft of my letter, which was the 3rd one, I told him that if he doesn't start focusing more on his mission than me, because it's semi-evident in his letters that he doesn't, that I'll have to stop writing to him for a while... :(
I hate having to say that, but what else can I DO?
Ugh...
Missionaries...

1st Letter from Nick

It's been nearly 3 weeks since Nick first went into the MTC. It was rather weird, actually, when I was getting ready to send him my first letter. I was pretty sure I had missed the mailman, so I was gonna have to wait until the next day to have it mailed, but as I walked out to my mailbox, I saw the mailman coming up my street.
Talk about divine intervention.
There keep being weird things like that that happen with our letters. His letters always seem to come on a day when I'm feeling really stressed out or lonely or something, and mine seem to make defy the laws of postage so they get mailed on time.
In his first letter, from a couple weeks ago, he told me he misses my "wonderful smile, and beautiful hair."
I really wonder what he would think when I would smile.. I've never really thought my smile was that great, but I have to wonder if it ever took his breath away like he took mine. And of course, I knew he really liked my hair, because he would touch it all the time.
Aah, every time I think about him, I get chills. Good chills, not bad chills.
It seems like the past 3 weeks have gone by really fast. I wonder if it'll be the same for the next 23 months.

Bowling fun

So, tonight was basically my first actual DATE in my whole life, because:
I had a boyfriend for 2 years, starting when I had just BARELY turned 16, so yeah, basically missed out on the whole "guys asking you on dates" thing.
I was pretty nervous, to say the least. It turned out good though. We went to Cafe Rio to start off, and talked about lots of random stuff, then we went over to Jack and Jills bowling for Unlimited bowling, which was super fun.
Let me just say though, I'm sooo bad at bowling, it's not even funny. I bowled 4 gutter balls in a row probably 3 or 4 times.
I know. I'm pretty talented.
I did end up winning a free prize though haha that was pretty awesome. It was a gift basket with a bunch of stuff in it. Most of it was pretty crappy, but hey, it was free.
When it was time to go, so we could drop off the other girl, we went and found her house, and the guy, my friend who set me up with my date, went and walked her to the door. Me and my date watched intently to see if they would kiss, which they did, and we laughed, but then they kept kissing and we were like "dude, oh my heck!" so when he came back to the car, we laughed and kinda made fun of him a little.
Then we drove to my house and my date walked me to my door.
He was a really good date. When he came to get me, he didn't text me saying "i'm here." but he actually came up to the door and knocked, and he opened all my doors for me, and was very chivalrous, and easy to make conversation with.
All in all, a very awesome date :)

It's only been two days.

It was rather weird having Nick just kinda 'disappear'... I can't really explain it, only that it wasn't exactly happy...
Gosh I miss him so much....
I was on my Facebook tonight, looking through some of my Head Guard's mobile pictures, because she's been saying she's got another boyfriend lately, and I wanna see a picture!
But anyway, back on track, I came across a picture of her and Nick when they went horsebacking together. And I felt a little jealous again...
He looked so handsome, in plaid, and cowboy boots, but he doesn't wear a cowboy hat, thank heaven. I think I would probably die and go to "Hillbilly Hell."
I think about him every time I go to work... it's impossible not to.
As it turns out, one of my managers now knows about the little connection he and I had before he left, because one time when Nick was working with her on a late-night shift, she was teasing him about if he had someone "writing to him on his mission" in the sense of:
"do you have a special girl who's gonna write to you?"
He said "kinda, yeah."
So then she was like "who is it? who is it?" and wouldn't leave him alone about it, and it was rather hilarious, I thought, because she said he kept getting really mad at her, saying "I'm not gonna say anything! You ALWAYS get me to tell you stuff I don't want to tell you!"
She was laughing while telling me this.
So in the last like, 10 minutes of their shift, she was still bugging him about it and she was like "what's the big deal? do I know her?"
and he was like "yeah..."
And for some reason, as soon as he said that, the first person she thought of was ME, so she said "is it Grace?"
And then he started yelling.
"How did you know? Why would you have guessed her first!?"
My manager laughed and said "Idk, she's the only one I can think of who has the patience to put up with you."
So yeah, he admitted that we really like each other to her, but that we were trying to not be serious, and then she started making fun of him, like, giving him pointers on how to "not get into trouble" with me, and whatever.
So yeah, she knows.
Which also means she knows that I'm not dating my other friend at work, who she was sooo certain I was a "couple" with for the longest time, to the point where there were rumors being spread about it.
:P

Why is it the happiest moments in life bring tears?

This will be a fairly short post, but it was one of the happiest moments of the past week.
I was driving with my family up to take my dinky little blue car to the mechanic because it has issues, and I was reading "Charly" by Jack Weyland, which is a very cute novel. It isn't very long, and could easily be a very long book, but it was cute. Anyway, while I was reading it, I stopped for a minute and Nick crossed my mind, and suddenly my phone started to buzz. I picked it up, and it was a number I didn't recognize, but I semi-recognized the first three digits, so I answered.
It was Nick!

(He hasn't gone into the MTC yet, he's still at home.)

I didn't know it was him at first, but after a few seconds of listening to his voice, I audibly gasped and said "HIII!!!" probably a little too enthusiastically...
One of the first things he told me was that he misses me
:)
In the middle of our conversation, he said "K, listen really closely, alright?" and I said "ok..?" then I heard this automated voice, and it was saying pick-up lines!

How funny is that!?

There was the "Are you tired? Cuz you've been running through my mind all day long." And "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" and other cheesy ones like that, but I couldn't help but laugh and feel fuzzy inside. It was cute.
He also asked me to make sure I have my address on my first letter, and I said "I will, i'll probably send it on all the letters, just in case."
We talked for probably 20-30 minutes, then he got really quiet, and i said "you're awfully quiet." and he said "yeah, I know."
I asked him what he was thinking about.
He said "Stuff."
At that point, I knew I shouldn't press the matter cuz the last time he told me something that he was keeping secret from me before, he avoided me for two weeks afterward.
When it came time to say goodbye, it almost sounded like he was getting choked up, which then made ME get choked up! We said goodbye in an un-teary manner though, which was probably a good thing, and he told me he's going to call me tomorrow night.
I really hope I don't cry..
I really really hope I don't cry......
I might get one more phone call from him after tomorrow, depending on if he's allowed to call me from the airport or not. He said that if it's not allowed, he's not going to break the rules, and apologized.
I said "Don't. I don't want you to break the rules."
That was the extent of our conversation, which was very sweet and I'm feeling very excessively happy, but on the brink of tears at the same time. Don't ask me how that works.

The difference between 19 and 5. And it's not 14.

For anyone out there who has a younger brother or sister, they can get pretty crazy, right?
And they suddenly turn into hilarious little monsters whenever you have company.
In this case, I was over at my unbiological sister's house with our other unbiological sister, and her little brother, who is 5 years old, was talking to us, and out of nowhere, he started screaming and running across the room, slamming into each wall over and over again. We watched him for a few "cycles", then one of them said
"Don't you love how this is how 5 year olds try to impress us?"
I nodded, but suddenly another image popped into my head. It had almost no relation to the current spectacle, but I imagined Nick doing the same thing: trying to impress me by running back and forth across the room slamming into the walls and screaming.
I started laughing out loud.
They wondered what I was laughing at, and I told them what I had just thought of, then they both laughed almost hysterically.
It still makes me laugh, actually.
I think it's just because if a grown man did that, we would probably check him into a psycho ward, but when little boys do it, it's just cute. And that's perfectly fine, I think.

So commences the beginning of the next two years...

Well, it happened.
Time's up.
And saying goodbye was harder than I ever thought it would be.
I worked Nick's last shift with him, but the problem was we weren't going to be rotating each other, but I pulled strings anonymously until we were.
The shift was generally very quiet, which was slightly upsetting, but we had a bit of fun. He poured some of his ice cold water on my foot one of the times he rotated me, and the next time, he touched it to my leg, still freezing cold, so I aimed and shot my own ice water, and it hit him right in the back of the neck.
I think I won.
Around the middle of the shift, he asked me if he and I could switch places because he had a private swimming lesson coming a little earlier than 3 and needed to end on the last break. I, being the generous person I am, decided to let him have it.
I'm just gonna say this now, one of my favorite things in the world is watching him teach. He has such patience with his students, and knows how to have fun teaching them. And it was rather impressive watching him swim under the water across the pool and back again without coming up for air...
I probably stared too much...
I tried not to.
I got done guarding about 10 minutes before his lesson would be over, so I went and stuck my feet in the hot tub, inconspicuously waiting for him to come to me. I knew that's where he would go once his lesson was over.
When he did come over, he pretended to try to cannonball in and splash me, so I flinched, but it only hit my legs. He sat several feet away from me, leaned his head back, and said "Last time I'm gonna be in a pool for 2 years. That sucks. I love pools."
I smirked at the statement.
When he got out, I hung back a few seconds, then followed him into the guard room. I stood around talking to the other people in there while he went and changed back into street clothes, then he still didn't go anywhere.
Again, I don't remember how, but we ended up in the guard room alone again, all except one of the swim team coaches, but they were at the computer. He went into the First Aid room. I followed. And we had our last secret hug at work.
A huge lump rose in my throat, and I fought it back as I watched him clear out the last bit of stuff from his previously disastrous locker. Seeing it empty just wasn't normal... As he pulled the drawstring on his backpack tight and put on his leather cowboy boots, I found my voice.
"Mind if I walk with you out to your car?" I asked, my voice shaky.
"Not at all." He said, and we walked out of the building together. I had forgotten my shoes but luckily the new tar on the parking lot didn't stick to my feet and turn them black. Arriving at his car, which was a very short walk, he opened the driver's side and tossed his backpack into the passenger seat.
I was holding on by a thread.
He held out his arms one more time, and we hugged softly.
"See you in two years, I guess.." I half-whispered, my voice actually cracking in my attempt to hold back tears.
"Yeah, I'll be here. Hopefully you'll still be here." He said sweetly, and we pulled back.
"I probably will be."
"Nah, you'll probably be married by the time I'm back." He joked, and I almost hated him for saying it, but I don't blame him. I'm not waiting for him. He knows that.
"I have no intention of getting married anytime soon." I said, putting on a fake grin.
"Nobody intends to, it just happens." He insisted, and I giggled a little bit. Then he stroked my hair a little bit, and said "Bye, Grace.."
"Bye.." I repeated, and he got in his car, but before he closed it, I had one more thing to say.
"Nick," I started, to get his attention, "thanks for everything." I said with probably too much sincerity, because suddenly it was practically impossible to hold myself together.
"You too." He smiled, and we shared our last glance before he drove away.
On my way back to the building, I lost it a little, but I pulled myself together enough to fool everyone into believing there was generally nothing wrong with me. One of the guards wasn't convinced though. He'd watched me walk out with Nick, and when I came back in, he noticed my eyes were watery. I never told him anything though.
I managed to hold myself together pretty well for the rest of the day, but I was sooo sad...
At the end of the day, I decided to watch "Tangled" and let out all my pent up feelings. And let me tell you, as soon as the duet between Rapunzel and Eugene started, it came out. In waves.
That box of creme-filled donuts was so delicious at that moment.
And yes, I ate all of them. All 8. And 2 frosted regular donuts with sprinkles.
I'm gonna get fat.
But yeah, I feel better now. Not completely, but I'll get there. Maybe.
I'm so thankful he remembered to put his MTC address on his facebook page though. He told me if he forgot, I could get it from his mom, but I do nooot wanna talk to her. She scares me... Only because she's his mother.
I know, it's rather ridiculous.
But it's kinda like Nick told me the day before yesterday, when he came over to my house to get me so we could go to Walmart, he met my dad outside, and shook his hand. He said later his adrenaline was pumping like crazy, which I laughed at.
Everyone's afraid of my dad.
I think his reason was just because it was my dad.
But yeah, he's an ordained missionary now. I can't see him or talk to him or anything, basically. I have to wait till he's in the MTC before I can start sending him letters. It's gonna be a long wait.
I never told him about Tuesday, and my prayer. I'm debating whether to tell him in my first letter, or, if I'm still single when he comes back, to tell him then. We'll see how things work out.
But for now, so commences the beginning of the next two years.
Without him.

A blessing in disguise. At FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!

I'm now 150% positive that God has a very hilarious sense of humor.

I had been praying my heart out this week to get to spend one more day with Nick because I didn't know if I would get to see him again before he's gone... He was ordained today, and so starts the beginning of the next two years...
Anyway, in my prayer, I practically begged to get to see him one more time, and I had this really peaceful feeling that I would. After I'd finished my prayer, I got into bed, and I always listen to music while I'm going to sleep. Mostly Colbie Caillat. Anyway, I was gonna listen to Colbie again, and my iPod is always on shuffle, and when I hit play, the song "Fallin' for you" came on, which is the song that reminds me 100% of Nick!
I suddenly had this strange, wonderful feeling of serenity, as if someone in the back of my head was saying "Yes, you'll see him."
I went to sleep happy that night.

Then my manager called me at 4:40 in the morning asking if I would go in to work!

I woke up grumpy.

I told her that I couldn't go in because I was still getting over a cold, and I needed sleep.

(Mind you, I had gone to bed at 1:30)

So then, I tried going back to sleep, but nothing would work. I had this little voice in my head saying "You need to go to work. Go. GO!" So in my head I went "UUUUUGH, FINE!!!" and got ready for work. When I went in to tell my mom was leaving, boy, you better believe she was shocked.
6 o'clock in the morning, going in and saying "Hey, I'm going to work."
Pfft.
So anyway, I got to work at 6:15 ish, and was wondering why in the heck I had been told that I needed to be at work. Was somebody gonna die? Whyyy did I need to be here?
I kept thinking and thinking about it, and on one of my breaks, I went in and looked at the schedule.
Nick was scheduled to work at 9, which was when I would be off.

-.-

*Looking at ceiling, talking to God* "You woke me up at 5 in the morning for THAT!?"

He was probably laughing at me up there.
So, I stayed at work, and eventually 9 o'clock rolled around, and sure enough, here comes Nick, but he's looking for someone to take his shift off!

*Once again, talking to God* "You've gotta be kidding me!"

He needed it off because his mom had volunteered at his little brother's elementary school, but she was sick, so he had to do it for her. I told him I could stay until 12 for him, and he said he could be back by then. So now I'm thinking "Ok, maybe this isn't so bad..."
The next 3 hours went by awfully quick, and before I knew it, he was back. Once I was clocked out, I went to talk to him, and we talked about his date with the Head Guard and how it bothered me, but he didn't tell me because he didn't want to make me jealous, which I kinda suspected, so yeah, I wasn't mad about it anymore anyway. He asked me if I would come back before 3 so we could go back to the park where we first kissed after he was off work.

*Revelation! Happiness!* "I see where you're going with this!"

So, I went home and showered, got ready, and went back to work, stopping by Subway along the way. I had a strange feeling that God was making sure everything was working perfectly as I went. There was no line at Subway, which around that time, there will get to be a pretty long one. When I went back to my car to go out of the parking lot, the person in front of me had pulled out already so I didn't have to back up and turn around. As insignificant as that is, it was a big deal for me.
When I got there, I had to go in and put my stuff for teaching in my locker, and also my purse, so I just hung out in the guard room until he was off, then we left to go to the park. While we were there, we walked around a lot, and ate our Subway, and he kissed me, and we sat under trees, and poked each other.
Generally had a wonderful time.
When he drove me back to work, he said he wasn't sure if doing something tomorrow was going to work, but he would let me know. He also said that he had found out he wouldn't be able to do anything the next day because he was going to be at the temple from the time he got off work till late at night. All at once, I got all choked up because it all made sense now!
This was my day! My promised day!
I made a small, undecipherable comment about it, and he had no idea what I was talking about, and he asked me to tell him.
"I can't. I'm gonna get emotional." I said, blinking my watery eyes.
"That's ok." He said, holding my hand tight.
"No it isn't! I have to go teach!" I said, and his expression fell.
Once I'd regained my composure, he told me not to let any kids drown while I was teaching swim lessons, and I promised I wouldn't, then I went inside and taught.
Which was really boring.
When I went home, I can't remember what I did, exactly, but I remember I had to go to Walmart, and I happened to be texting Nick at the time, and I told him, and he said "can I come?"

*Again, talking to God* "Ok, I'm grateful. You're spoiling me."

I asked him if he intended to drive down clear down to where I live and come with me, and he said "that's exactly what I mean." So, he came with me to Walmart, and we had a grand ol' time haha he showed me the difference between a bad fishing pole, and a good fishing pole. Not like I exactly care, because I'm no fisherwoman, but I do like that he loves the outdoors so much.
After we had gotten back in the car from going to Walmart, we went to Wendy's and got chicken nuggets. We got 15. I ate 4 1/2. He ate the other 10 1/2.
In the same amount of time.
After that, we went back to my house and just kinda hung out with my family. He had to be home at 10:30 though, so he had to leave at 10. I walked him out to his car, and we talked for a minute. I started shivering once we were out there, which sucked, but he gave me a hug to try and warm me up, so it was ok.
Also, he gave me my last kiss.
And it was perfect.
I was half tempted, when he said "Last kiss." to say "Make it count." But I didn't. I'm guessing it's probably a good thing. Might have messed things up.
But it turned out perfectly.
Something I'm sure I'll be grateful for forever.
I'd woken up at 5 in the morning for that.
And I'd do it again any day.

Random Tid-bit

I just realized something.
All of my favorite fairytales have something to do with thinking that the "Prince Charming" character is mean, or stupid, or self-centered or something like that...
I wonder if that means something...?

This is the story of how I died...

You're probably dying to know how it ends right?
I'll tell you.
Something just hit me, hard. To the point where I think I might either eat so much I gain 150 pounds from depression and die, or lose 150 pounds from depression and die.

I have 3 days left till I have to tell Nick good-bye...

I'm only going to see him one more time...


One.


More.



Time...

And on another note, I don't know if I'm even gonna actually get to see him, because for some reason things always fall through for us.
I'm praying to God with all my soul that this one doesn't.
I don't care if I don't hold his hand.
I don't care if he doesn't kiss me.
I don't care if it's only 5 minutes!!
I just want to see him... one last time... before I have to draw on only my memory of his face. Before I have to wonder if things will actually work out, or if I'll be sending him word of my engagement to somebody else...
It's hard to tell.
I don't know what's going to happen. I can only put my trust in the Lord that He knows where I'm going, even if I don't.
That's the only thing I have left... almost. Of course I have wonderful girlfriends and sisters who've got my back, but still, there's so much hurt, if I don't hold on for dear life, there's no telling what might happen to me.
I must say this though.
I am so proud of Nick for choosing to go on a mission. For turning his life around so he was ready to go on a mission. For teaching me the importance of relying on God when I feel lonely, because without that assurance that I have somebody there, I might have caved when it came time to say good-bye.
He's so strong.
He's so righteous.
And it does nothing but make me...love him...all the more...
That's all there is to it..
I love him.
Whether only as my friend, or more, I can't deny it or hide it anymore. I won't tell him, but I can't deny to myself what I feel.
That's the truth.
Perhaps I won't die after all...

Am I jealous? Yes. Does it matter? No.

This is going to be rather short.
Yesterday while I was teaching swim lessons, my friend who's one of my head guards asked the substitute if he would cover for her tomorrow, but when my other friend asked why, she wouldn't say anything about it.
I guess she ended up finally telling him, because I found out today from my other friend, she's going horseback riding with Nick.
I tried to not let it show on my face that I was bothered, and I think I did a pretty good job. It doesn't matter anyway. He's leaving in a week and a half anyway, and it's not like I'm his girlfriend or anything.
But STILL!
He never asked ME to do anything like that!
Ugh. Maybe it's because I told him I've only gone once and that's when I found out I'm allergic to horses, but I haven't felt any allergies for a long time, and my best friend had horses living in the field next to her house before she moved.
But whatever.
He and I ended up leaving at the same time again today because I was sick and he was just helping get things ready for the swim meet that's going on today, and as we went to our cars, I asked him about it.
"so you're going riding with her today?"
"Yeah, is that ok?" He asked.
"Well yeah, and even if I didn't think it was I wouldn't do anything about it anyway." I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"Ok, I don't see why it wouldn't be."
I just shrugged my shoulders again.
"You can do what you want. I don't care." I said with an almost convincing grin as I got in my car. He told me he would have hugged me but he doesn't wanna get sick, and I don't wanna get him sick anyway if he's leaving really soon, so I wasn't bugged about that.
So yeah, I'm kinda peeved, but I don't care. It doesn't matter. He's gonna be gone in a week and a half anyway.
It still sucks though, because I think that would be so fun, but oh well.
Can't do anything about it.

It's snowing in October. Typical.

Ok, so normally you could call me a Scrooge or a Grinch because I haaaate snow.
This afternoon, it started snowing very hard, the big fluffy flakes that I don't mind so much because they're pretty, and I decided that I'm not gonna be hatin' on snow this year, cuz snow is part of Christmas, and there's no way I'm hatin' on Christmas.
I've never been really good at coming up with date ideas, but when winter rolls around, I become a pro.
These are some of top ideas:

*dark is a very important aspect of the date*

1. Watching a classic Christmas movie like "A Christmas Story" or "A Christmas Carol" with a special someone in the living room with a fire in the fireplace, curled up in a warm, red blanket while sipping hot cocoa and occasionally watching the snow (big fluffy flakes) falling outside the window.
2. Taking a trip up to Temple Square (in Salt Lake city for those of you who may not know) with a special someone to see the lights, then walking to the Gateway for a dinner. And during all this, it must be snowing big fluffy flakes.
3. Taking a walk with a special someone down an old main street, for instance, American Fork, Lehi, Provo, any city that has an ooooold main street, while it's snowing big fluffy flakes and stopping at some small shoppe to get hot cocoa or something.
So yeah, those are my ideas. You may use them if you like, but if you wanna tell me which ones you like best, that would be awesome :) and feel free to list ideas of your own.

Not today. Not right now.

Ok, so I think last night was probably one of the cutest nights of my life.
I know.
I say that a lot.
In short, you should be jealous cuz my life is cute and yours isn't.
:P

(Kidding, of course XD)

So anyway, I was at my house, getting ready to go take a shower because I had to get my hair wet during swim lessons so I hadn't even bothered prettying up or washing my hair or anything of the sort before I left for work. I felt gross.
I was in my bathrobe hanging up my big bath towels when suddenly my phone started to vibrate a lot, and I looked at it and "Nick" was calling me.
I rushed out of the bathroom and into my room and answered, and he asked me what I was doing, and I said I needed to get cleaned up from teaching, but he asked me if I would be all ready in about an hour and I said "Yeah, why?" and he was wondering if I wanted to get slushies with him or something, because he was 'heading my way' coming home from his friend's apartment at BYU.
I told him absolutely, then as soon as I was off the phone, I showered as fast as I could then got back in my room and got ready.
For the first time in my life, I changed outfits 4 times before being content with what I was wearing...
It was sad.
He called me at 9, asking if it was ok if he came at 9:30 instead, and I said that was fine, so I cleaned up my room until then, which was productive.
When he got to my house, we decided we didn't wanna get slushies, cuz it was kinda cold, so we went to JCW's and got fries. It was pretty sweet. He was trying to get me to guess names of football players on the Colt's team, cuz they had a game playing on the tube, but I really could care less.

(Seeing as a certain ex of mine was completely into football)

After we left JCW's, we drove to main street in my city, and parked by the park by the old rec center. We got out and walked around, and talked about lots of things. He was commenting on how old the trees were, saying that the park by my work where he first kissed me, the trees were older. I'd forgotten, and he was appalled at me for a moment, but not very long.
We went to the swings in the park and I wanted to show him how I could do a backflip off the swings like I used to, but I'm so out of practice, and kind of a scaredy-cat, I could never do it. He was going as high as he could, so that he free fell for about a second before swinging backwards. We jumped out of the swings, and of course, I slipped and fell on my butt as soon as I landed. I can't remember how he landed, but I'm pretty sure it was solid.
We walked back to the pavilion, and I was telling him how I'd done kind of a "play" type of thing of the Joseph Smith story in this park, and showed him the little house in the playground that we'd used as Carthage Jail, then we went and sat on one of the benches by one of the older trees. Once we'd gotten bored of that, we were walking around some more and we ended up back at the pavilion. He was sitting on one of the tables and I was standing up right in front of him. We stared at each other for a long time before he leaned in and kissed me, and his hands happened to move right over the spot on my shoulders which is extremely ticklish and I flinched.

(Something similar had happened before, and that's how I know he's ticklish on his left side)

He leaned away from me for a second, and I looked sheepish.
"you're ticklish right there?" He asked, trying to touch it again. I squirmed and protested and he laughed at me.
After that it became somewhat of a tickle war. He'd try to get my shoulders. I'd try to get his side. Just before we left, we had a really bad battle. I had my arm around his waist, and brushed his side with my overly long nails and he flinched, then attacked me. I tried to get away and we ended up spinning around, then when we finally balanced, I was only actually standing on one foot, with him holding me up by my waist. We were grinning at each other playfully, then we called it a draw.
When we got to his car, he opened the door but neither of us moved, and I can't remember what happened, but he ended up twirling me around, like a dance twirl.
I asked him what he was doing, and he said "I'm dancing."
"You dance?" I asked, surprised.
"Oh yeah." He said, and took my hand in his, resting his other hand on my waist, and my hand on his shoulder and we danced in almost complete silence, except he was humming a tune I didn't know. He twirled me several more times, then we said we had to go home, so we got in his car and he drove me up to my house.
On the way up the hill to my road, Taylor Swift's "You belong with me" was playing on the radio. He was making up his own ridiculous words to the song, and I asked him what he problem with Taylor Swift is, and he said "She's pretty! I wanna be pretty like Taylor Swift!" and my whole body shook with the laugh that came out of my mouth.
We pulled up to my house and my garage was still open with the light on and Nick noticed our yellow bike hanging up on the wall and said "that's a nice bike."
"it's a piece of crap." I countered.
"I wanna check it out." He said, and we went into my garage to check out the bike. He said it's a good bike, and I told him the problems which he also said would be no problem to fix, then he walked out of my garage. I followed and pulled on the rope tied to the handle to shut the big door.
Our automatic shutter had been broken for years.
I told him that and he said "that blows."
"Eh, it's life." I shrugged.
"Life sucks." He said, his face contorting a little bit.
"Sometimes." I corrected. He suddenly smiled at me, taking me by the waist and pulling me closer.
"Not today. Not right now." He said softly before kissing me, and lifting me off the cement. Involuntarily, my left foot popped as he held me above the ground, and our lips didn't part until he had put me back on the ground. We were both grinning wide, cheesy smiles at each other, before he said good-bye and kissed me one more time before turning and going to his car.

Pathetically Kodak

Geez, tonight was a mix of the worst and best night ever.
It started off as the worst, because my family and I were just going down to Macey's to get treats for FHE (Family Home Evening, for those of you who may not know) and right as we were walking in the store, I see three very familiar people coming out of the store.
Ty's mom, sister, and brother.
I made eye contact with his sister and I think my face probably turned white. I suddenly felt light-headed and nauseous. I could tell she was still glaring at me, even when I looked at the floor, and I heard his mom say very quietly "look, it's Grace."
I felt even more nauseous and walked with my family though I desperately wanted to run. I stayed in the store with them, and got a Mt. Dew instead of candy, but I had completely lost my appetite. We were leaving the store, when my brother remembered he still had to put his paycheck in the bank before going to walmart, so I stayed with him, but I was still feeling sooo crappy. I was texting that one guy at the time as well. I'm gonna call him Nick. So anyway, he asked me if I wanted to meet somewhere and talk about it, and I asked if he intended to drive down to Macey's and get me. He said that's exactly what he intended to do. So, my brother waited with me until he got there, then he parked his car in the parking lot and we talked for a bit. When I was talking, basically just spilling everything about how I was feeling, I started to get teary-eyed, but I swallowed hard and blinked whatever salty assassins were in my eyes back into my brain. I asked him if we could go somewhere, and he said "alright" and we drove to a park somewhat close by. A park me and Ty had walked to a couple times. I said I didn't mind being there, which was true, and we sat and talked more about everything. I didn't have that much to say. Most of it was in my head. He asked me eventually what I was thinking about, and I had told him it had been a pretty crappy day altogether. I'll make a list.
He and I were supposed to work together today, but he left half an hour after the shift started.
I got in "trouble" at work because I haven't been getting my head wet while teaching swim lessons.
I spent almost the whole day at work.
I saw Ty's family.
All in all, it was kind of a bad day.
I didn't tell him the list, but - I'm not sure this was a mistake telling him this, but I don't feel like it was - I told him that I realized how little time is left before he leaves, and how I know it's gonna be hard. Really hard.
While I was saying this, he was looking at the stick-on nails I have on my fingernails, and I told him I'd switched them from the ones I'd had earlier. He said he'd noticed, and I told him I had ones on my toenails too. Then I laughed and said "yeah, I'm a barbie."
When I looked back at him, he was just looking at me and was kinda stroking my chin, then he smiled and said "you're so beautiful."
Me, being the bashful person I am, looked down at my hands and said "oh gosh.." then he brought my face back up to look at him.
"What? I can't just tell you that?" He said with a teasing smile.
"You can, I just can't help it if I blush." I admitted.
"I can't see it if you blush anyway." He shrugged.
"Well, that's me anyway. I'm bashful." I said, smirking, then he leaned in and gently kissed me. We were still in his car, and we heard a light rain falling outside the windows.
We both commented on the rain, and he asked if I wanted to go outside the car and sit in the rain. I said "sure." so we went and sat on the curb by his car, and he asked me to tell him how my day was, and I told him about how it was kinda crappy.
I can't remember what he was saying, but he was saying something along the lines of understanding how I felt, and I started to get really teary-eyed again, whenever I looked at him, counting the times I'd get to look at his face before he was gone. I looked away from him and took several very deep breaths with my eyes shut to try and regain my composure.
When I opened my eyes, he was leaning forward, looking at me.
"You ok?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied, and he turned my face to his again.
"Hey, look at me. Everything's gonna be ok. I promise." He said sincerely, and the lump I'd been trying to swallow clogged my throat again, and my eyes welled up. I tried to turn away from him but he took me in his arms, holding me against him as all my emotion spilled out.
I cried out of fear, mostly, I think. When he leaves, I'm gonna be all but alone.
Fear, and self-pity probably.
I buried my face into his shirt, crying harder than I had in front of anyone in a very long time. When I pulled away, he said "you're ok. It's ok." over and over as he ran his thumbs under my eyes. I told him what I was feeling about being alone, and how I hated it so much. I've never felt so lonely in my whole life, and I feel like I've been left behind by all my friends who are in college now, when that's where I could be as well.
I wasn't looking at him when I told him this, and he turned my face to his again.
"Look at me." He said, but I was feeling self-conscious and was stubborn. "Come on, look right into my eyes." He insisted, and I did. "You're never alone."
Just that phrase brought on a whole 'nother wave of emotion, because I knew he was right. He took a few minutes telling me about how he finally found God and knew what it was like to be alone, but he feels so much better about himself, and about everything now, and while I my eyes were still all watery, but my breathing had finally slowed, he kissed me. The most gentle, caring, softest kiss I've ever been given. It quite literally "took my breath away."
After I'd finally calmed down, he made a comment about how letting out feelings like that to somebody can be very helpful, and I admitted to him about how I hadn't showed anyone that side of me for a really long time, and he said "that means you're opening up to me. That's good."
All this while, he had my face cupped in his hands.
"Thank you." He said with the sweetest smile on his face, and I fell into his arms again.
"Why are you so dang sweet?" I asked, and we sat there and hugged on the curb, as easy as that is, for a moment.
He asked me if I wanted to go on a short walk and I said "sure", so we walked around the park, and saw a couple people up top of the slide, like, making out...It was gross.
So then we walked back to his car, and got in, and he drove me home. When we got to my house, he walked me up to the porch, gave me a hug, and a short sweet kiss good-bye, then I went inside.

My dreams like to torture me...

I had a dream last night, not like anything I might have expected. Not at all.
It was all about Ty.
Here's what happened.
I was going to some sort of like, mini-play type thing, and I didn't have anyone to sit by so I was sitting by myself, and suddenly I get a text from Ty that says "I'm here."
Mentally I freak out, and look around, now reeeaaally wishing someone was already sitting next to me, but as I looked around, I saw him two rows ahead of me, sitting next to this other girl, who by all means was rather...large...but anyway, as soon as I saw him, I practically laid on my row of chairs so he wouldn't turn around and see me. I didn't even pay attention to anything that was happening in the 'play.' I kept glancing at him, and eventually he had his arm around her and she was leaning her head on his shoulder.
Anger flared in my chest.
When the thing ended, I got out of there as fast as I could, but not before he'd seen me. I ignored that fact though, and he didn't follow me. He and this other girl, I think her name was Kaylee or something, I don't remember, and I don't really care. But anyway, the next place I saw them was together by this pond thing. She was like, an emo girl, who wore too much makeup, and had a nose piercing, I think. She was wearing a bikini, and he was in gym shorts and a t-shirt, I think. He's self conscious about his body.
Anyway, they kept kissing, but then he saw me, and said "I'll be back." then came to follow me. I turned and tried to walk away but he caught my arm.
"I've missed you." He said, trying to keep hold of my hand but I wrenched it away.
For some reason our surrounding suddenly changed and it looked like we were in a plane... maybe a bus...I dunno.
"That's great." I said bitterly.
"Can I have a kiss?" He asked, and my mouth actually gaped open.
"You have your other girl. Get one from her. Besides, you'd be cheating on her if I did."
He laughed at that and said "She cheats on me all the time."
"No, I'm not gonna help you cheat." I said more stubbornly.
"Teddy Bear..." he started, and I wanted to slap him. Teddy Bear was the pet name he always used to call me.
"DON'T call me that." I almost yelled.
"Teddy, come here." He said, grabbing my arms and pulling me close to him. He was always a lot stronger than me, and I'm not that weak, but I couldn't stop him. He kissed me for a long several seconds, then finally I pushed him away.
"Can I have a hug?" He asked.
"No." I said flatly, putting as much space between him and me as possible.
Then we were told that we had to go back to my back yard, so we did, and these people were performing a sad love song, and apparently me and Ty were part of it, because we went up and sat on this bench, sang our part about 'missing the other person' and I had to hold his hand for the last few seconds of the song. I don't remember what song it was, but I just wanted to get out of there. It was all so awkward.
When it was over, I walked off the stage and we were back on the plane/bus thing.
"Can I just have one hug?" He asked again.
"No." I said, crossing my arms across.
"Alright." He said sadly, then he had to go talk to some other guy, and I guess he was secretly an army agent because something terrible was gonna happen, and he had orders to go and try and stop what was happening for as long as possible, but the probability of him dying was almost inevitable. I'm pretty sure we were in a plane now, because he went to the back and opened a door, and stood there looking at me.
"I love you. Always remember that." He said, before disappearing into the dark, and I was left wondering if I'd actually wanted to give him that last hug. But now it was too late.
That's when I woke up.

Is it me?

I'm so confused, and torn up.
I don't know what's going on.
I wish I did.
Besides being stuck at work for 10 hours today, there was a  looot of crap that happened.
First thing was I thought that one guy was sick because one of my other friends asked him if he would come in and work for her and he couldn't cuz he said he felt like crap. I assumed he meant he was sick.
After I was done with my lifeguarding shift and had done my re-certification, I was sitting in the guard room and suddenly there was an emergency so that was a whole lot of fun. When it was under control, I had to leave cuz my brother was there, so I texted that one guy to ask him if he was feeling ok enough to work tomorrow. He said he was feeling ok, so I asked him if he'd had like, a stomach flu or something, and he said it was something in his brain...
I was confused.
I asked if he had a migraine.
He said no.
Then I was VERY confused.
I asked what was wrong, and he finally admitted he'd been depressed. I asked what about, and he said everything.
He wouldn't tell me more than that.

Normally, I might have been concerned, but no so much that it was eating at me, but I feel like it was because of something I said that he was depressed. The last conversation I had with him before this one was two days ago, because I'd gone over to his house to vent to him about a stupid guy (the one from my show) and we had ended up practically alone in his house, aside from his brother who was upstairs. We didn't do anything bad, but I was still wearing my lifeguard uniform and it was making me really nervous, so I decided to tell him something I hadn't told him about my relationship with Ty. I'm not gonna say what it was, but I think it made him nervous, or upset him, because after that, he stopped texting me and hasn't really responded to anything I've said until today...
So now I don't know what to think, but I'm probably gonna see him tomorrow at work, so we'll see how that goes...
I'm really nervous.

You disobedient boy, you. I like you.

:)

If that's all I had to say to let everyone know exactly how I feel, I would be in bliss.
When I got to work this morning, I was working with that one guy again, and he was actually rotating ME this time.
(Talk about wishes coming true)
So yeah, it was sooo awkward at first. He wouldn't say a word to me, but he would constantly stare at me still, so I had no idea what to think about anything. About halfway through our shift, he was on break, and I was guarding the lap pool, and he had just checked the locker rooms, and came out and stood right next to my chair.
I glanced down nervously, and said "Hi."
He didn't say anything, so I clambered on down from the guard stand and stood next to him.
"What's up?" He asked.
(This is always the answer to that question when you're at work:)
"Just watchin the water..." I said, nodding my head slightly and pursing my lips. "You?"
He shrugged. "Nothing really."
We stood there for about thirty seconds, maybe even a minute, and didn't say anything.
After a while, he said "Well, I better let you go. I don't want you to get in trouble."
"I just hope you don't think that what I told you yesterday was easy for me to say, because it wasn't." I said, leaning over so he could hear me. My voice was hoarse and raspy, and I couldn't talk very loud.
For some reason, after I had told him that, things suddenly got less awkward. He actually smiled when he looked at me, and was laughing and joking with people, which I watched with a little smirk. I love seeing him spaz out and be insane. It's cute..
So yeah, on my last break, I went to get food at the food court, and as I was walking out the guard room door, I had this funny thought:
That would be kinda humorous if he was watching me and I slipped.
Guess what happened?
As I was rounding the corner of the deck by the fountain, he turned and looked at me. I looked back up at him and smiled,

and slipped...

I didn't fall over, but my arms flew out to catch my balance. When I looked back up at him, his mouth was curled into a smile and I could tell he was struggling not to laugh at me.
"I swear one of these days I'm going to slip and fall on my face and die." I said as I passed, and the smile got bigger, and I felt cherries popping up in my cheekbones and went to get my food.
When I came back onto the pool deck, I walked slowly and carefully so I wouldn't slip again. I never saw him look at me, but I'm betting he did. My back was turned.
On the next rotations, everything was fine, nothing felt really awkward, then on the last rotation, I looked at him, and he made an invisible steering wheel with his hands and raised his eyebrows.
He was asking me to go on a drive.
I nodded with a smile.
After a few minutes, he rephrased the question, and said it would be a little drive. I gave him a thumbs up because I had to be back at work an hour after we were done anyway.
The last 5 minutes of the shift couldn't have gone slower, but when they were over, I practically raced into the guard room because I'd remembered that I'd forgotten to fill out my achievement cards for swimming lessons, so I frantically started doing that, and got about a third of the way finished before he tapped me on the shoulder with his backpack, and I went with him, bringing my cards with me. I kept filling them out in the car on the way there, and for about 10 minutes after we got to the park, I was still filling them out, but I finished pretty fast. I only had 11 students this session.
We started talking about random stuff, then he got a call from his mom saying he needed to call his patriarch. So he was on his phone for about 10 minutes, talking to his patriarch about random stuff, and I sat there, patiently waiting. This was no business that I was going to say "when are you gonna be done?" about, cuz that's just retarded.
After he was done talking to his patriarch, I asked him if he was nervous, and he said no, then we kept talking about other random stuff. One of the things we talked about was how it's almost impossible for me to read him, like his expressions, etc. I can never tell what he's thinking. He kinda smiled and said "well that's good." then I said "then there's me who's a complete open book. I don't really like it." and I think he said something like "there's nothing wrong with that." or something to that extent. I can't remember.
Anyway, we were sitting next to each other on the bench, talking about something else and suddenly he said "can I hold your hand?" and almost before I said "ok," he reached over and took it. While we held hands, I told him how one of my head guards is going to do my eyelashes next week and how I'm super excited for it, and all the while I was talking, he kept glancing from my eyes to my mouth, then he leaned over so he was resting his forehead on his arm on the table, and I briskly rubbed his shoulders. When he sat back up, I said "there is one thing about you that's always obvious."
His expression was suddenly concerned.
"What is it?" He asked warily.
"I can always tell if you want to hold my hand." I teased, and he looked embarrassed.
"Or kiss you..." He said quietly, and I smirked.
"Just a little bit."
His face contorted in what seemed like discomfort, then he said "That's actually what I was thinking about all day today. How I could manage to just be your friend when I really want to kiss you, or be with you."
"I know, I can tell you're fighting it..." I said, and he laid his forehead back on his arm. "But, in all honesty...I am too."
He looked up at me.
"Would you hate me forever if I kissed you?" He asked, running his fingers through the back of my hair.
"Maybe a little." I said without wavering, and he looked pleasantly shocked.
"What? 'Maybe a little.'" He copied my tone and everything, and I couldn't help but giggle, but he turned his face away from mine.
"Hey," I said, turning his face back to look at me, "I was teasing. You should know by now, I'm a tease."
"You are a tease." He agreed playfully, moving his hand around to the side of my neck.
We just looked at each other for a moment, then he drew me closer, and my heart began to flutter. I don't think I was still actually on Earth when he touched his lips to mine, but I magically ended up sitting in front of him again when we parted and opened our eyes.
In all of about 2 seconds, my body began to quiver under my skin.
I looked down self-consciously at my hands, and knew that he noticed.
"You're shaking." He remarked.
"I know..."
I don't really remember a lot of what happened after that, other than we were talking about something else, and we ended up with our foreheads touching, then it was just breathing, then he leaned in and kissed me again, this time a little longer, and I soared clear to Saturn and back.
Then I was shaking worse.
"Dude, you're shaking really bad." He remarked again.
"I know..." I insisted.
"Come here." He said, pulling me into his arms and holding me tightly.
I felt home, completely at peace.
When he released me from his grip, I was still shaking horribly, and I turned away from him, embarrassed, and said "Aah, sorry..."
"It's ok. We should go."
"Yeah, we should. I've only got a few minutes." I agreed, and we walked back to his car, holding hands on the way.
"Why are you shaking so bad?" He asked.
"Um...it usually happens when my heartbeat is racing..." I admitted bashfully, and he actually laughed a little, which made me smile.
He opened my door for me and I got in the passenger seat, trying to lower my heart rate. As soon as we pulled away from the curb, he said:
"I totally disobeyed you...I'm sorry."
"It's ok." I said sincerely.
When we pulled back into the parking lot at work, we sat for a moment, and he kept apologizing.
"Hey, if you wanna kiss me good-bye, I'll let you, but I'm getting out of your car in 30 seconds." I said bluntly.
He sat for a few seconds.
Then looked out the window towards the building.
"Ok, come here." He said, and we kissed one more time before I got out of his car.
"Are we really sorry?" He asked through the window.
"I dunno..." I admitted.
"I'm not really that sorry..." He also admitted.
"Hey, you're the missionary, not me." I teased, heading towards the building.
"I'm not set apart yet." He corrected.
"True. Well, I gotta run in there." I said, and we said our good-byes and I literally ran into the building so I wouldn't be late.

Why am I the one setting all the boundaries? I'm not the missionary.

That makes no sense.
But it's kinda depressing.
A lot has gone on since I wrote last. Yesterday was my inservice at work to recertify for CPR and Emergency Oxygen, and I'd already been at work for 9 hours, so I decided to just go to the earlier scheduled time and get it over with. That one guy was there too... and the whole time he hardly said a word to me. He sat next to one of the head guards who was at the inservice, who was a girl. It kinda made me mad because I was like "ok, so i'm trying to keep my distance, so you go and throw yourself at another girl?"
I didn't actually say that.
What's more is that I kinda told her a little bit of how I really like him, so that made me even more mad cuz it's like, backstabber, double-time.
Anyway, so after the inservice was over, I went home, and I had no idea what to do about anything.
Basically you could call it cruel and unusual torture in the mind.
So yeah, I got the feeling that I should text him and see if I could straighten everything out. so I did.
I asked him what was going on, and he told me that he wanted to be more serious than we have been because we only have a month left - less than a month - until he leaves, and he said he wants to be with me as long as possible.
I didn't know what to think about that...
Half of me went "Oh my gosh, yes!"
But most of me went "Wait, that's not right. We shouldn't."
So we talked it out as much as we could over text, and I told him my concerns, but it didn't help at all. He said I should just trust him and go with it, but I said I'd think about it, so he said "ok, sleep on it."
I was still being practically tortured in my mind over what to do about it, so I asked my dad for a blessing. He asked why, and we talked over the whole thing and got down to the root of the problem. I was afraid to say no because I don't want to feel alone, even though I know it's the right thing to do. So, he gave me a blessing of comfort because we both knew that no matter how things turn out, I'm going to end up with some form of pain. It's inevitable, no matter what option I choose.
So today, I had to go to work at 9 again, and I was just working, and it actually went pretty fast today, which was weird, but then it got closer to 1 o'clock and I got super nervous because that one guy had told me that he had a private swimming lesson at 1, and me, through my genius, figured out that my second to last break was gonna be 20 minutes before 1, so there was almost no doubt that we were gonna see each other when I wasn't on stand.
On another one of my breaks, I'd been talking with my Head Guard about relationships for some reason, and we got talking about my predicament, except I wasn't giving him any leads as to who the guy was. But then he said "does he work here?" and I couldn't lie, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes, so then my HG was like "ohhh, he does! Where is that schedule?" Then he walked over to the corkboard and started going through all the names, and I grabbed my guard tube and rotated before he could harass me.
He followed me out to my chair and said "Now I'm really curious. Just tell me. I pinky swear I won't tell anyone."
Idk about anyone else, but to me, a pinky swear is still legit.
So I said "the only major set-back is that....he's leaving on his mission in a month..."
the HG thought for a second, then his eyes got big and he was like "That One Guy?"
and I said "yeah..."
then he went off on how I was smart in my choice of guys because that one guy is such a good guy and whatnot and inside I was thinking "duh, I know!"
so yeah, that's how that went.
When I was on the Corner chair, that one guy came in, and we made eye contact for a split second before I looked away.
My heart was racing.
My hands were sweating.
"It's ok, don't panic. I can do this." I kept telling myself, but when the rotation switched and I got on break, I got all shaky.
I walked in the guard room and there was no one in there as far as I could tell, but I thought he must be hiding or something... but nobody jumped out at me or anything, so I calmed down a little and went to check the locker rooms, and as I was heading for the door, I saw him..
and my heart skipped a beat...
His hands were full of stuff he'd gotten at the food court, so I opened the door for him and he walked past me, giving me one of his little smiles that's contagious no matter what kind of mood I'm in.
I checked the locker rooms, and came back, and nobody was in the guard room except him.. I panicked for a split second. But I walked in, put my pen away, then frantically tried to find things to busy myself so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I went back to my locker to try and find something interesting maybe 10 times, then I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. Then I saw my water bottle. My poor water bottle that fell off my guard chair and got all dented. Still trying to busy myself, I took it in to empty it...
..................................................................................................................................................
...in the First Aid room.
As soon as I'd gotten to the sink, I thought "oh crap, that was a stupid thing to do." and right then, I felt him behind me, semi-grabbing my waist, but standing to my side and watching me.
I tried to make casual conversation and talked about how my water bottle had tragically fallen off my chair and I couldn't fix it, then he tried to get it back to it's normal shape but it wouldn't go, so I took it back and screwed the lid back on. Then I took a step back and just looked at him.
He had on that look I know so well of "I know what's coming, and I'm upset about it, but I'm not gonna tell you."
"You seem awful quiet." I said, barely above the volume of the ice machine.
He didn't say anything.
"What is it?"
He still didn't say anything.
A sudden lump rose in my throat when he looked up at me, and I all but ran out of the First Aid room so I wouldn't start crying in front of him. I put my water bottle back on the shelf, re-gained my composure, and went to face my fate.
He was sitting back in his chair again, and I sat next to him, and tried to make another bit of casual conversation about my work-out plans for after work, then he got up and went and sat on the cot in the First Aid room...
I had no choice, so I followed.
I sat next to him on the cot, and said "i've been thinking about it a lot.."
He already knew what I was talking about.
"And? What do you think?"
I could barely get the words out of my mouth, but I said "it's not the right time..."
There was a looooooong silence after that that killed me inside, but eventually, he said "why?"
"Because, you're going on your mission in a month. We shouldn't get so attached to each other before you leave."
"We won't. We'll be fine."
"You don't know that..." I challenged, and for a second he didn't say anything.
He kept trying to convince me that everything would be fine after that, and I kept having to tell him "no, we shouldn't do it," and eventually I had to say "no, just -" but I couldn't make myself say "stop."
I brought up how I know his parents wouldn't approve of our getting serious before he leaves and he asked why, and I said that even though I didn't know his mom and the rest of his family very well, I could tell a long time ago that they would be disappointed if he had a girlfriend 3 weeks before he's supposed to leave on his mission.
He didn't say anything again after that...
I told him another reason was because I didn't want to have to "Dear John" him if things don't work, and he said he didn't expect me to wait for him, and I told him I wasn't going to, and he said that was good. But I also told him that another reason was because I don't want to receive a "Dear Jane" from him.
My hands started to shake and I wished he would hold them but he never touched me. I grabbed my knees nervously, and he let his knee fall so it rested on the back of my hand, then bent in half so his head rested on his knees.
I wanted to run my fingers through his soft hair sooo bad, but I couldn't do it. It wouldn't help anything.
When he sat up again, he said "I just wanna show you how I feel."
Trying to ignore the lump steadily trying to rise in my throat again, I said "I know...but we can't."
"Just once." He practically plead and I wanted to scream and run away. Why was he making me be the one to say "no"?
I don't think he was doing it intentionally, but it was happening...
"No, we can't. We shouldn't." I said again, and he didn't say anything, but I could tell he had resigned. He stood up for a minute, and put his hand on my head. I didn't know if he was trying to not give in to himself and caress my hair, but eventually he let go and sat back down.
"I'm sorry..." I said quietly, and he just made the face of "don't worry about it." but he never said it.
The last thing he said to me was "I probably better change. My private lesson is probably here." so I got up and made it to the doorway of the First Aid room when I turned and saw his arms were opened towards me...
I gave in.
I went, probably too hastily, into his arms, and we held each other lightly, then tightly for a moment, released, and our hands touched for just a second before I let go and looked away.
While he was still in the First Aid room, I went to my locker again and the lump in my throat finally got caught and one tear found its way past my eye lashes and fell down my cheek. I hurriedly cleared my eyes and took several long breaths before he came back out and I saw there were several more people in the guard room, but none of them looked suspicious of me or him.
Then I rotated, and only saw him briefly while he taught his lesson. He only made eye contact with me a couple times, and I couldn't read his expression.
When he left, he glanced back at me before going out the door, and I had to continue on with my shift, but I felt strangely peaceful, and I knew it was because I'd done the right thing for both of us, but it wasn't quite enough to quench the heartache I felt.
After I had finished teaching swim lessons, when I was leaving the parking lot, I texted him, again trying to make casual conversation, but he was giving one-word answers. Even for him, that's never a good sign.
I explained that even though I said we couldn't get serious, I still wanted to be really good friends, because he's my best friend, and I don't wanna lose that before he goes...
He just said "yeah."
I asked him if he could handle it, and he said "handle. do you think I'm incapable?"
I said "No, just the last time I asked somebody that, I got a flat-out 'no.'"
I'm hoping that I haven't completely ruined a good friendship, and am wondering if anything will ever happen. It is 2 years, and he'll change a lot, and so will I. But maybe there's still hope. I'm not sure though, because...
...he never replied.